jan, my twin sister, was just here
for three days. i've walked my husband
down the road of cancer, and now, jan,
my dearest friend in the world.

i drove her home to sacramento,
and then headed to modesto, to take
colson, my son, to dinner, and to walmart
to buy what he needs for a new job. again,
saddened by his struggles as i am with jan's.

then....
i began to think of Holy Week.
yesterday being Good Friday.
i called each of my children.

remember, today is when we humble
ourselves because Jesus died for our sins.
remember to look for the poor. do something
in Jesus's name for someone.

brock drove in from long beach.
my second oldest son. last night, late.
we'll go to church together tomorrow
before he heads home. Easter Sunday.
the JOY of the Resurrection!

"how precious is the flow..
that washes white as snow..
no other Fount i know..
nothing but the Blood of Jesus."

being brilliant didn't deliver me
from my sins and addictions and corrupt
core, willpower (and you have to have this
to qualify for three boston marathons...and
run ANY 26.2mi.race without stopping) couldn't
lead me out of darkness. only the Blood
of Jesus.

for jan. for my children. for all of us.
only Jesus's Blood can free us of enslavement.
fling the doors of imprisonment wide open.
we are all broken in some way. sick, and
needing healing. of body. or heart and soul.

cry out today.
to the ONLY One who offers
deliverance. the One who moves mountains.
slices through every impossibility,
and raises clean sunrises out of
dark, polluted fears and failures...and
the ropes of terror that bind us. cripple us.

i am not a saint.
i need all the grace everyone
else does. let's drink of the Cup,
and eat the Bread together.
and know...ALWAYS know...
that the Blood will NEVER lose
its power.

today, i took care of a newborn baby.
beautiful. tiny. that sweet-baby smell.
it brought back so many memories of
when my four were newborns.

then, suddenly, they became teenagers.
almost overnight. and i was a single mom
through most those years. living by faith.
will had died, and cancelled his life-insurance
policy. we didn't have him, or steady finances.

i have loved every stage of my children's lives,
but do you remember when you were a teenager?
my sister and i hardly put our heads on the pillows
at night because we were afraid our teased hair
would get squashed. when we hated how we looked
en route to school, my mother would say,,,oh,
you are young and beautiful!

young?!! what did that
have to do with anything?!
i have said the same thing to my sons,
and they have looked at me the same
way i looked at my mother.

none of my children have gotten into
drugs. so far, no girl has gotten pregnant
that i know. but i had two children that
just fit perfectly into the school box.
homework. projects in on time. studied
on their own for tests. and i have two
who got a's on their tests, but could NEVER
get their brains around homework after 8 hrs.
of classes. my favorite letter of the alphabet
became "d" because it meant they at
least passed the class.

brandt, my youngest, who is now a firefighter
with the air force, would gladly tell you of some
of his escapades. how he and his friend stole
lighters from long's drug, and accidentally burned
an abandoned house to the ground. and how his
learning instructor called me every single day of
8th grade.

mrs. anderson?
yes?
brandt went across the street today
and pushed a port-a-potty over where there
is construction.

mom, i don't know why i did that.
i just thought it was a funny thing to do.

colson's english teacher happened to sit
behind me one sunday morning at church.
i had authored 17 books, and was terrified
colson had not passed her class because,
of course, he never did his homework.

even brock, in gifted classes, came home
one day and said,
mom, i have to drop out of high school.
i can't go on. i'll take my GED tomorrow
if you will let me.

and then,
all those car accidents
divided up between four teenagers.

today,
remember the one thing that matters
more than ANYTHING else: relationship.
no matter WHAT my children did, i believed
our relationship was all that really mattered.
they would tell me things i honestly can't
believe most teens would EVER tell their
parents. about sex and pornography and
the terror of rejection.

i wanted to say alot of things,
but i just listened. they trusted me.
it gave me a window in how to pray for
each of them. i would go in, every night,
and talk to them after the lights were out.
lying next to them, in the dark, where words
and emotions came so much easier.

i'm not a child expert,
but if we don't have a loving
relationship with our children,
then they will wander farther away.
yes, i had rules.some might seem silly.

no piercings until you are l8.
brock never complained, but on his l8th
birthday, i went with him to a tattoo shop
where some guy was supposed to be the BEST
with piercings. he had so many on his face that
i could not even really tell what he looked at.
i would not have even wanted him to touch me.
brock and i subtly eyed each other. i put $40
on the table. and stood by brock while he got
his lip pierced. it looked horribly painful, but it
was the best moment of brock's life, i think. smile.

no matter where your teenager is,
and i have seen mine fight and scream
and heard them use school verbage that
melted my insides. BUT, i told them every
single day that i was so PROUD to be their
mom. that i was the richest lady in the world.
i have hugged them. baked them brownies at
10p.m. at night. i've tried to keep my feet on
the ground, and take their momentary insults
without reacting too much. and yes, i called
the police one night because one of my sons
refused to show me any respect. but...

we are wrapped together
by chords of love and loyalty
and mutual respect. and in the
darkest of times, we run to each other.
if your child does not graduate from high
school, it is a disappointment,but there are
worse things. one of my sons is having
such a hard time finding himself. he is
in another city. staying at different friends'
houses, and i won't let him come home
because we have tried EVERYTHING together.
i tell him i think it is my fault. i'm not very
good at boundaries, and he NEEDS that.

but...
often, i drive to where he is.
take him out for his favorite sandwich.
get him a haircut. sometimes buy him
new underwear and socks, and maybe
a cd (he chose johnny cash. i approved).
but i don't give away money. i don't let
him see my tears when i drive away. i
know he has to figure out, on his own,
at 21 yrs. of age, how to find himself.

he calls every few days.
we always talk about how much
we love each other. i've told him,
in the past, that self-respect doesn't
just walk in the door, but i don't
anymore. i remind him, though, to
cry out to Jesus. to pray. that i'm on
my knees, for him, every day.

don't compare your family to
other families. to how well their
children seem to be doing. don't torture
yourself this way. i'd much rather my
children wander around, and find themselves
today than when they are thirty-five and forty.

relationship.
between us and God.
and between our children,
wherever they are,
and us.
that is everything.

there are a lot of losses
for every important gain.
roadblocks. mountains. rivers.
doors slammed in our faces.
corners of our souls caving in.

and then, God
gradually begins to lift us
into the light. away from the
weariness and fray. the depression
and doubts. and He begins to breathe
life into our dreams.

i have always been a dreamer.
always believed that nothing is
impossible with a giant God.
i've spoken it. written it. and
taught my children. written the
glory of what God can do if they
don't give up across the walls of
their hearts.

brock is my second oldest. ll months
younger than taylor. since junior high,
he has dreamed of playing bass in a band.
though academically gifted, college has had
no appeal. hey, he was willing to live in
his car just to tour with a band. he spent
hours and hours at the computer in our kitchen.
scrolling to all the bands. listening to every
genre of music. i'd take him to local con-
certs. he looked normal. everyone else would
be hanging around the doors with mohawks and
piercings. terrified me.

no piercings in this family until you are
eighteen yrs. old, and NO tatoos until you
are living on your own.

brock and i spent hours at the guitar store.
i'd sit on a speaker, and watch him pick chords
on all kinds of basses. i truly knew how beauti-
ful his heart was. how he wanted to minister to
kids. i was on his team!

he and taylor moved to san diego after taylor's
college. he auditioned for a big band and got se-
lected. toured 6 wks. each summer. that band dis-
mantled. he started a couple bands of his own, but
no one had his passion. and darkness settled in.
consuming any hope. abolishing the dream. he was
with me on a trip to alabama. he told me about his
despair. mother's day, 2008. we started walking.
brock, again, handing me his pain like a gift. soul
to soul.

then, last night.
the call came.
mom! remember the band i told
you about. played background for
a big, hollywood movie? i auditioned
last night, and am playing with them
at a big gig in hollywood in may!

sometimes, it is years.
i've been through the wilderness
myself. no sound from heaven. not
even a whisper. for years and years.
BUT, with a great, glorious God, and
time, dreams DO live. never, ever, ever
give up. the losses add up, and cres-
cendo into a magnificent, new tomorrow.

there are days
when things happen.
unexpected. out of the blue.
and our lives feel shattered.
i've had days like that.

for you maybe it was
a car accident. your fault.
your insurance. something you
do not have or cannot afford.

or someone you really, really
love walking away. saying goodbye.
forever. twisting the pain in your
soul. cutting chunks out of
your heart.

so many possibilities for what
feels like life altering calamity.
and ruin. oh, i understand.
fear and hurt that
stomp into every inner piece
of you. with their big muddy
shoes. slams you on your face.

God gave me
some scriptures today.
be holy for I am holy.
our Savior Jesus Christ came
so He might purify us
for Himself.

then, He reminded me,
over and over and over
to fear not.
be strong. He is with us.

somehow, His grace,
we just must get through it.
His power. His strength. His
arms wrapped tightly around us.
even if we feel numb.
we trust
Him. we read His word
and hold on to every promise. I stand
with you today.

we will sing for joy over your victory, and in the name of our God we will set up our banners. may the LORD fulfill all your petitions.
psalm 20:5

a publisher sent some quotes
from an old book of mine.
written in my 20's. to be used
in a new book coming out
by another author.


i am not a fan of everything
i write. i've cried at the
publication of every new book of mine.
cried after reading the first five pages.
wandering how i could have let ANY
publisher print such pitiful stuff.


but when Jesus chooses to put
His hand on ANYTHING or ANYONE,
He often chooses the least. the unex-
pected.


i thought a couple of lines
i penned when i was too young
to really even wear makeup
might help you today.


quote: everything must balance.
if i want to love deeply,
i should expect to suffer deeply.
this means i more or less choose
for myself what i want to put in
and take out of life. nothing great
or noble comes cheaply.


in your marriage today.
or trying to survive...raise...
adolescent children. or have
an obscure, unrewarding job...
choose to love and listen and give
with all your heart. knowing
suffering is part of the equation.
but victory, somewhere along the path,
is promised. a crease of light
rolling across the dark devastation.


another quote:
new year's eve.
it matters what you do
with a year. it counts.
the old is the foundation
for the new.


today, we've passed
new year's eve, 2008.
into the third month of 2009.
but let's join hands
and tangled legs. hearts
a little askew. let's go for more
than 2008. scratch the past failures
out with a black marker of the
second chance. race for The Star.


paint promises across the sky.
give your chilren room to
get lost and find themselves.
even if we thought we'd done
a better job and where they are
isn't exactly what we can brag
about, or had in mind. let our
children see us on our knees.


let's run to Jesus this year.
let's cry out. even if the window
is open. praise God for the boss
we don't like. and the teacher who
doesn't seem to notice how brilliant
our children are. for spilled milk
and babies crying. and our friends
who are late for dinner, and the
bread is cold.


i want to fly this year.
even if i fall now and then.
soar with the message
that Jesus lives, and He
is glorious.


i want to love
the homosexuals next door
without one sliver of judgment.
wrap them in God's big, warm
blanket that brings us together
and reminds all of us that
all God cares about is the heart.
did God say we aren't to love everyone?


i hope you are with me.
that i can reach out and
grab your hand. it will be a
much better year that way!

God tells me things
when i am at the gym.
talks to me.
maybe because He has
my undivided attention.

it has always been this way.
even during my early years of
ten miles every morning at 5:30.
air on my skin. alone along the
charles river. boston.

what a wonder!
the eternal God of the
universe unveiling His thoughts
to me. i miss hints from Him.
getting myself, especially as
a mother, into all sorts
of skewed emotions.

yesterday,
i had a nasty work-out.
eight miles on the edge
of acute, abominable misery.

God reminded me
that i casually say things
to make myself look better.

how many miles did you go
today? oh, 8 or 10 or 12.
whatever it is.

how are your children doing?
well, taylor is thriving in college.
brock has a great job.
colson is so authentic.
brandt's a firefighter.

God reminded me
these are all His gifts.
my health. my children.
and that my life is full
of imperfections. He would
prefer me not to tell people
how far i have run...or
my children's victories. ever.
but rather, that some days
are good. others rough.
my children have challenges.
usually one or another at the moment.

when i have been raising
children fourteen years.
and loving my neighborhood
in complete obscurity, i find
my confidence leaking.
drip by drip. and
pride sticks its head in
with a crazy, crooked jab.

no one remembers who you are,
ann. and today, no one really
cares. suddenly, without meaning
to, i quietly tell someone
i am a writer.
was once successful.
the minute it takes for me
to say that, a cloud forms
on the horizon of my soul.
shatters the impact of who
God is and who i'm not.

last night
i fell on my face.
as low as i, a
weak, insecure, prideful
servant could be. prostrate.
shamed that i can love Him
so, yet try to lift myself
so as not to be hidden.

forgive my failures.
let's build bridges
instead of walls. too
much pain in all our lives
to brag about anything.
Jesus is our mission.
the light.

love unconditionally.
no judgment. ever.
only beautiful, clean,
glistening love.

i see a light!
a pin-point on the screen
of a million stars. but a
little brighter than the rest.
a new seed planted.
sprouting like a clean, new
morning. i finally had the
courage to read your responses
to my new blog. your wounds.
your dreams. reaching out to
me so we can join hands again.
reach for the stars. believe,
with all our hearts in our giant
God...and He, plus love, can change
everything. i love you. i welcome
you back into my life and journey.

i hope that none of you thought
that quietly raising my children
the last fourteen years changed the
passion and love i have for Jesus!
never! never! never!

in fact, yesterday, i was standing
in an aisle at target, and knocked
something over. my long, skinny legs
reached, on tiptoe, and
i knocked a strip of price codes
to the floor. the lady standing
next to me said she had just
had back surgery, and couldn't
pick it up. i smiled at her.
my face suddenly flushed with
kindness.

back surgery? ouch!!
i shattered my femur in my
left leg last year, to my hip
bone, and i know, for sure, what
bone pain is.

oh, then you know.
you look strong today.

well, i am a fighter.
when they told me i'd probably
be walking with a cane in 6 months,
i wept for a day. i'm a runner.
the wind in my face. the en-
dorphins pumping. with tears of
agony, i started walking the halls
of the hospital.
and every morning and afternoon,
i doubled the distance. nurses
started standing in the aisles,
cheering me. but...

i told them they could praise me for
staying fit and running marathons,
but this?! no! this was about Jesus.
His power. His love.

tears began to brim in this lady's
eyes. and spill over. she reached
her arms around me, and i hugged
her, and kissed her cheek.

my neighborhood.
God put my clumsy self
right in the same aisle with her.

oh, the sky is painted yellow.
a million red balloons.
Jesus written across
the horizon. darkness made light.

God loves you,
and i love you,
and that's the way
it should be!

i was at the legal aide office
in sacramento. i have learned
the help...at least some of it...for
desperate, single mothers. i had a
problem, and was waiting for my
appointment when an african-american
woman sitting next to me asked
if i was there about housing.

no.
are you in a desperate place, too?

well...do you think they can charge
me rent when they are evicting us?

hmmm. i wouldn't think so,
but i don't know much about
that area.

she looked anguished.
desperate. abandoned.
i know those feelings.

i took her hand in mine.
Jesus is bigger than the legal
system. don't plead with Him.
begin to praise Him that He
never abandons us. never!
thank Him for this struggle,
and that He is going to fix it.

a surprise.
a star in the sky.
out of the ashes. before our
very eyes. beauty rising,
and taking form. and
all that we most feared
gone! flattened. levelled.
and the miracle we need
fulfilled in ways we had never
imagined.

my name is charelle.
charelle, my name is ann,
and i'll be praying.
i need a miracle too.
we will stand together.
mothers crying out
in praise.

Jesus puts people right in
front of us. we never have to
be looking.

brandt's best friend's father
was having a birthday
cookout. brandt was invited.

mom, i know what i want to give
tyler's dad. there are only two things
i know he really likes:
bud light and cigars.

i looked over with a frown.
honey, you cannot take either of
those to the party.

but mom, birthday gifts
are to make people happy!!

i was grateful the party wasn't
until a few days later. i began
to try and come up with something
acceptable for this non-church
going man. i knew tyler's mom
more than i did him.

suddenly, the day had arrived.
other things had crowded out
all thoughts of this party.

brandt, our money is tight.
let's go to chevron, and see
what they have. but NO
bud light or cigars! he was unhappy.

we are both roaming around
the store. here are the cigars, mom!
brandt, men have special tastes in
cigars. keep looking.

mom, they have separate
cans of bud light. we could
get him just one.

our dialogue raised
an octave. no one else was in
the store, and our emotions,
on both sides, were unraveling.

finally, i conceded.
okay. ONE can of bud light.

i looked toward the front of the
store, and saw the cashier with
her hand over her mouth, unable
to stop smiling.

mom! brandt whispered.
don't say anything that will
embarrass me. just pay for it,
and carry it out.

we pulled up to tyler's house.
i asked brandt to ask tyler's mom
to come out to the car.

lorin, please forgive me!
brandt was determined that
bill would only be happy
with cigars or beers. he loves
giving gifts. making people happy.
i'm terribly embarrassed, but
please know it came from brandt's heart
of love, and i finally conceded.

laughing.
ann, bill will love what
brandt brought. i know brandt
has a big heart. thank you!

you might think that was a
terrible testimony, but it was
about innocence and love -----
and i decided it built a bridge.
changing the world means meeting people
where they are. without judgment.

so, fellow dreamers,
let's roll up our sleeves.
open our hearts. and throw
kindness and mercy and
compassion to all those
around us.

we run together.
shoulder to shoulder.
in Jesus' name.
you and i. a giant God.
and love.

please respond to me.
i really love to hear from you.