taylor is my first-born.

may 16, 1984.

as with my other birth mothers,

i visited robin in her hospital room

to remind her that she could change her

mind.  that we would do whatever we could

to help her.  that no matter HOW much we

longed for this beautiful, darling little boy,

we wanted God's best for him and robin.

 

two hours later, will and i walked in,

and with tears streaming down her face,

she wrapped him tighter with the little

blanket i had brought to bring him home in....

and then robin lifted him to me, and said,

"ann, i carried him just for you!"

 

the sun broke away from a cloud.

the earth glistened.  the flags waved.

the children sang.   the world

laughed and cheered and clapped.

and will and i took home the baby we had

so longed to have.  as with his brothers, we

drove away from the hospital 24 hours after

his birth.  the balloons painted the sky,

and God had finally, after so many losses, started

what we call 'family'.   laguna street. idaho falls, idaho.

 

the little town of idaho falls may not excite most              

people, but all four of our sons were born there.

for us, it is what you call a 'treasure'!

 

taylor jenkins anderson.

named after ken taylor of the Living Bible.

all our children have sur-names of great men we

longed for them to emulate.  being a first-born

is no easy journey for any baby.  as parents, we

all somehow believe we are going to do it better

and finer than anyone else.  taylor was the most

beautiful and brilliant baby the world had ever experienced.

 

though completely inexperienced in child-rearing,

will and i felt like pros.  we were going to do this right.

taylor would stand taller, be smarter, conquer every obstacle

in ways no other child had ever achieved.  the fact that

he was precocious made us look alot smarter at this

endeavor.  when he was seven, he was doing all of will's

payroll.  i shudder when i remember getting up one night

to check on the children, and found taylor's bed empty.

i found him in the basement with tears in his beautiful, blue

eyes.  "mommy, daddy is going to be upset with me.  no

matter what i try, i can't get daddy's payroll to balance."

 

that will would give a little boy such a task infuriated me,

but i smiled, and assured taylor that daddy would completely

understand, and he was coming back to bed with me.

 

i remembered that on a rainy friday morning, i had stopped to

drop taylor off at his first grade class, in a hurry to get everyone

else to day care on the only day i went into the office.

 

"mommy, will you walk in with me?"

"oh, honey, mommy is in such a hurry.  you can go in

by yourself.  you are a big boy, and i know you can do this." 

 

taylor was relentless.

he somehow could not face his class all my himself.

he was so sweet.  so unaware of his brilliance.  finally,

i turned the car off. locked the doors and took taylor's hand,

and approached his classroom door.  i suddenly noticed

that tears were streaming down his face.  until that moment,

i hadn't understood that this was a hard day for my child, and

i fell to the floor in the hall, and pulled him into my lap, and hugged

and kissed him and told him how sorry i was to not understand

better.  he began to wipe his tears away.

 

"mommy, are all my tears gone?"

i weep, as i am right now, every time i remember that morning.

how profoundly i loved my child.  i want to do that day all over

again, and get it right this time.  i don't think anyone should talk

about parenting unless they have a few years of it under their

belts.  i think with each new child, we become less demanding

of performance.  more relaxed.  not so worried about what

people are going to think of us and our children. 

  

story of taylor continued tomorrow.

it was the craziest thing.

how it happened.  like so many

moments in my life.

my first night home from dallas and brock's and my

incredible time together.  maybe 3 a.m., and

i fly out of bed to go to the bathroom.  so tired,

and suddenly crashing into something (my eyes were

still closed with sleep).  crawled back into bed, and

didn't know until morning that the metal in the lamp

by my bed was completely bent, and the left side of my

rib cage was stabbing me with terrible pain.

in the mirror, i saw that my right arm was covered

in bruises and scratches.  can you believe this?  it's

completely different, but sort of like being hauled off to

jail with a dui when i can't even stand the smell of al-

cohol.  these "happenings" lead me to places i've never

visited before.

after five days of horrible pain, i pick up

an order from my doctor to get x-rayed.  i'm lazy with

things like this.  going clear to the hospital.  finding

the x-ray dept.. putting on a little, almost nothing

gown.  all of it an irritation and intrusion. 

at the desk where i am processed, a lady begins to

type my info. on a  form.   i had no idea that my

vocation is listed on all my paperwork,

and says i am a self-employed writer.

"what kind of books do you write?"

i smile.  i never feel comfortable talking about my

writing.  but i tell her the books are about the journeys of

my life.  and how Jesus helps me....and others can relate

because life is life for ALL of us.  that we are ALL broken,

and need the Lord.

she stops typing.  removes her glasses, and looks at me.

"my mother was diagnosed with cancer the first of march, and

six days later, died.  she was thrilled she was headed for Heaven

sometime soon.  but i'm still not comprehending why a

loving God would do this.  would take her and leave me here

to suffer such a loss."

"well," i say.  "now i know why i am here today.  it is NOT

about x-rays and a fractured rib.  i was personally sent,

by God, to comfort you.  to tell you that He is with you through

this enormous loss.  that you are not overlooked in the crowds of

millions.  the God of the universe cares and has plans to turn this

loss into something beautiful."

Jesus is meticulous when it comes to His children.

always watching.  comforting.  assisting.  like the gush

of racing waters, so is His passion to lead us to higher places.

the next time you have an unwanted interruption in your life,

be ready for God's next assignment in your neighborhood.

it's called ADVENTURE!

i can't think of anything that could be defined

as failure if one picks himself up and gets back

into the Race.  it is kind of like a lie is only a lie

if you don't immediately turn around and tell the truth.

just so you know,

i don't write about my children without

their permission.

colson and i had lots of business to take care of.

it seemed he would work somewhere (oh, he once made ALL

the pizza dough for a popular place here) for four or five months,

and then, he'd quit and be ready for something new. all my

words about staying the course and being loyal to one employer

did not sink in.  he would come home and play "war of the world craft"...

or something similar...for hours. he'd apply here and there, but

he just got stuck staying up most of the night, and sleeping

most of the day.

about three years ago,

colson announced he was moving back to modesto,

45 min. from here. where he had graduated from high school.

"colson, if you move back today, you cannot come home again.

unless it's Christmas or Easter or a family gathering.  do you REALLY

understand this?"

"yes, yeah, mom.  okay."

"colson, i realy mean this!"

i remember the night he called as i was

walking into a prayer class.

"mom!  it's pouring rain, and i have no where to sleep,

and i'm cold and so hungry.  you HAVE to come get me!"

"honey, i can't. i'm just walking into a class.  listen,

colson, find a bathroom.  go into a stall, and get down

on your knees, and ask Jesus to help you right now."

"you mean you are going to leave me out here?!!

to sleep on a park bench? mom....."

trust me, it was one of the hardest moments of my

motherhoood.  it nearly killed me.  i loved my son

more than all the seams around my heart and soul; and

with every pump of my heart, pushing my blood flow

through my  body. that is how much

i love him and my other three sons

more than breath and morning breeze.

more than anything but Jesus.

could i stick to my guns?

well, i did.   over and over and over.

and colson took amtrak to boulder, colorado,

and returned to modesto. and he FOUND HIS WAY!!

two years of unrelenting tough love.  literally, one of the

toughest  things i've ever done.  every piece of me

wanted to enable colson's happiness.  that is how

lost i was. and how much i love him and wanted his

happiness.

today, my beautiful son is married to a very sweet,

feisty little gal, and the father to her yr. old baby daughter

who adores him.  he works hard.  never complains about

his work. NEVER.  he and christina are very young, but i

just lie on my face, and pray and pray and pray.  i'm very

proud of colson .  he's my star i wear everywhere!

colson, my third son, has done so many jobs that
i probably can't even remember.  he's BOLD.  confident.
i mean....on Christmas eve, a year ago, he sold two, 90 yr.old
ladies, each a kirby vacuum cleaner.  i think they go for $2500!
he was the no. one person to get through the door of people's houses
so his team could display the vacuums.

he started at mcdonald's as a high school freshman,
and in less than three months, he was the night manager,
the second top position there.  then, there was jack in the box,
a fast-food mexican place.  he sold magazines door-to-door.
cleaned for a big company that assisted farmers.  he took an
assignment of getting democrats to sign over to the republican party.
i sat in a car and watched him.  talk about a HARD job. but he got
it done!

but colson is fearless.  he can sell you on almost everything.  and...
if you dig deep, way down under all the layers of his life, you will
find the purest soul.  i mean open and quiet ..  brutally
honest with himself.  in all my years, bar none, i have never known
anyone as pure as colson in heart and spirit. 

he stopped by to spend the night.
he had spent the day helping a bee-keeper.
he had to be really hungry for that job!!

he was on one bed in my room, and i in the other.
"mom, can we watch t.v.?"
"no t.v.," i answered.
"well, what should we do?"
"well, we could talk  or pray. something like that."

"mom, i really disappointed God today. "
"did you, honey?"

the room was dark. tucked away from the noise of traffic,
and people.

"yes.. and in the end, hurt myself."
he told me what the problem had been.

"colson, the most beautiful thing about Jesus is that
He forgives us every single time.  He takes a contrite
heart, and in an instant, forgives the offense, no matter
how small or big it is.  and it is settled with the Lord for all time."
suddenly, i heard his heavy breathing. he was out for the night.
had taken care of business with His Maker.

of course, there was the day when i picked him up from school,
and he nonchalantly mentioned, "we're on pregnancy watch."
i nearly plowed into the car in front of me, and felt rage rising
in my throat.  who was "we"?" 
"and, son, where is your honor?"

fortunately, no babies on the way.
but that was a very hard day for me.

if when i die, and my ministry has been resurrected,
i want colson to run the business.  to see that the beautiful truth
that EVERYONE can change his or her world with God's love is possible
for everyone. 
colson is a brilliant writer, and purely Christian.  and he makes
the Lord His confidence even when he fails or has done wrong.  he
knows...always..where to run to in trouble.

he crashes the darkness of night
and carries the joy of every sunrise
on his genuinely-radiant face.

more on colson tomorrow!

well......
did the thrill of the Cross knock on your door
this morning? did the wonder of Sunrise and visions of
the old, rugged Cross pass through your minds? the
magnitude of the PRICE Jesus paid. did it catch your breath
just for a moment, and wash the dirt and muck and lazy disconnect
of your lives into sudden awareness of how lost you've really been.
how deep and broad and vast God's love is to clean you up,
and let you start over?
did you shout as the sun slowly lifted over the
horizon, and you let it absorb and cleanse and warm
the very pieces of you that had become cold and questioning
and dark.
"there's room at the Cross for you...
there's room at the Cross for you.
though millions have come, there is still
room for one (will never be too crowded....)
there's room at the Cross for you..."
(old hymn i love)

oh, it makes me want to dance.
to skip and laugh and trust and believe
and be carried away by this awesome, beautiful
reality. let's raise our arms and see the face of God
across the sky, and believe NO MATTER HOW much
our lives are screwed up, the Savior has it all covered.
covered.
completely hidden by the dark side so
Light can bloom in us in ways it never has before.

last week, as you know,
brock, my second oldest, flew me to dallas.
he lives with the guitar player (of his band) and
adam's mother. brock on the couch at night, and
i slept in the band room on a futon. adam's mom is a
widow, a single mother like me. blessing me. she's
a fantastic cook. and she is the only woman
salesman at a very large nissan car lot. thirty or so guys
try to push her around, but there isn't even one co-dependant
bone in her body that i noticed.

i gave her "Jesus calling", the cleanest, litlle devotional book
that i LOVE. so she's reading it every morning, and told me
today that since she started on "Jesus Calling", she has sold
two cars on thursday. two on friday. and two on saturday.
Jesus throwing out the life-line to a beautiful person who has
only known much sorrow and struggle. i'm thrilled she and her
son love brock so much.

let's make every day Easter.
let's celebrate the deliverance it brings.
all for Jesus. all for Jesus.
every morning and hour and afternoon and
day committed to being ALL for Jesus by His power.

love each of you. love your comments.
deeply touched. they feed me courage and
boldness and strength. please pray for the little
korean lady at the dry cleaners. i KNOW God is
counting on me for her salvation. we've nurtured
a beautiful friendship because i take all my dry cleaning
to her. who in your world do you need to build a bridge to?

people don't talk about the Blood much
anymore. preachers don't have alot to say.
but the BLOOD is what following Jesus is ALL about.
nothing BUT the BLOOD!

washing our sins...red like crimson.
transforming our hearts to white as wool.

"how precious is the Flow
that washes white as snow...
NO other fount i know..
NOTHING but the Blood of Jesus..."

an old hymn i love.

in the dark streets of minneapolis and boston and new orleans...
the dark places that sin lives, shout it out: NOTHING BUT THE BLOOD
OF JESUS.

with all the secrets that have wedged themselves into the very fiber
of our families for centuries...NOTHING BUT THE BLOOD OF JESUS.

where darkness thrives, and greed and evil, NOTHNG BUT THE BLOOD
OF JESUS.

yes,
EVERYTHING is ALL about the precious Blood of Jesus!
the POWER . the Blood is the power. bathe in it. claim it.
for yourselves. your wayward children. those hard-pressed on
every side. it is all about the story of the Blood.

mom, remember how you've always taught us that the way
a person looks on the outside is NOT what really matters?! that
life is all about the heart?

yes, brock, i remember. but thank you for reminding me.
sometimes i weave off the center of the road, and fall off the
edge. and have to climb back up to where TRUTH really lives.
and afterall, what God really considers important.

brock's girlfriend is beautiful. quiet. petite. and brock says
she has treated him better than any girlfriend he has ever had.
hands down. no exceptions. i liked her immediately, but
was struggling with one thing: she is a tattoo artist. tattoos
are not my favorite thing. you know, where they SHOW everywhere.
i sat, looking at brock's beautiful, unmarred arms, and just
settled then and there that i was going to love him the same. and
kristie, too. good-bye to judgement and worrying what others think
and , "won't you regret these some day, honey?"

done.
no more comments.
just acceptance and pure, untarnished love.
because, after all, i REALLY DO believe that "out of the heart come
the issues of life...."

brock, you've got it, honey. the REAL deal.
thank you for challenging me to live up to all i believe!

i had an unforgettable time with brock. tornadoes, and hail the
size of soft balls, and humidity, too. i met his best friend there. adam.
and adam's mom, gloria. i fell in love with both of them. and it was
all a gift from brock. i knew i'd really cry when i told him good-bye.
i tried to hold it until his van was out of sight.

colson and taylor will come next week.
but today,
i am stilled. quiet. thinking of what this day (good friday)
really represents. and then the clouds will be lifted. and Light
will shine into our deepest parts. and oh, may Jesus find me worthy.
not perfect . not together...for all the world to see. but in my core,
at the very center of me, known and seen only by God Himself,
may my heart be beating steady. steady. easy does it. running
the Race because Jesus died for this. He calls us to this. running
to win the battles through His power.

whatever your battles today ,
remember that Jesus died just for those. and you. and He will
always...always...be ultimately victorious in the Cause that
darkness will be made light, i love you all. continue to read your
comments. to feel warmed and blessed and deeply moved.
we are His soldiers and warriors in this battle called ife.
never ever give up. every Easter reminds us that Jesus is STILL
the Light of the world.. He is winning the cause for righteousness.
and Light will shine on our faces.

radiant and resonating His Peace and His deliverance from ourselves.
have an Easter that will bless and glorify the One Who lived it out for us.