i have a very bossy friend.
and the problem is, she's very smart.
she never forgets anything, and watches
me as i stumble along in life. i mean, she
has something to say about the way i keep
track of my finances. about my addiction past.
the way i wear my hair. or all the little things i
need to work on. i have learned to be very
still and quiet. to listen, and keep saying,

"i'm sorry. i'm so sorry.
well, will you forgive me?"

"yes, i know i should have handled that situation
better. i fell short that day, for sure."

it is one of the most painful relationships i've ever
had and one of the very best. i can never measure up. never
high enough. her mission is perfection, i think. yet, how
many people who love us really tell us the whole truth as
they see it?

i feel as if i am in the military, and she owns me.
and it is taking all the patience she has to put up
with me. and when i miss something, i have to
figuratively be punished. you know, 100 push-ups
or two miles around the track.

i'm not sure how long this schooling is going to last,
but obviously, God put her in my path to try and shape me.
i truly love her, and she loves me. i am just realizing what
a great disappointment i've probably been to so many people.
my brain moves too fast,and i'm always switching from one
subject to another. i have a few gifts, but in most things, i am
genuinely, mentally challenged. probably it is this way for
all of us. we are each given a couple great strengths, and
the rest requires humility and hard work to cope with.

my friend and i are on opposite ends of a continuum.
i mean, completely different. yet i know she is helping God.
the way He desires me to be. and i am trying
to hang on to the love pieces so the judging won't hurt so much.

if you, too, have a friend like mine,
decide to be thankful. to try and embrace the truth,
and let the other stuff fall away. husbands and wives have
some of this grief, i know, but i think it is easier to hear the truth
from a good friend. marriage has enough struggles of its own.

well, i just want you to know i am
doing my best to be a better person every day.
and when i slip, there is always someoone right there,
besides God, who lets me know. smile. sigh. let's just
keep running this glorious Race, willing for God to bring
into our lives whatever He sees we need.

only today
have i been able to read
all your beautiful comments and
thoughts. and see the contributions
some of you sent.

it's like salve on a wound.
a fresh morning sky.
friends surrounding me with love.
hope after darkness.
joy after fear.
despair followed by promise,

thank you for being in my life.
for loving me. reading my simple blogs.
running at my side. sharing your sorrows
and struggles, too.

when i can't go anywhere,
i can't find people who need Jesus.
encouragement. truth. love.

tell people around you that God loves them.
standing in the grocery line. or someone
waiting for the bus. speak it. people will
be utterly changed. trust me. completely
in awe. God loves THEM??!!

needing a car isn't nearly as difficult as
needing a new heart or kidney or liver.
or longing for a wandering child. a prodigal.
or having to move out of your house of 25 years,
and not knowing where you will go. but,

it's been hard.
haven't been to the gym in 6 wks.
or here to do blogs. alone. and i keep
trying to blot out the terrible memories of that
van suddenly in my face. crash. crunch. glass
breaking. rolling around and around. not knowing
when or if my car would stop.

i am absolutely positive that
my heading out the door, and then,
dropping everything, and going back in
to have my quiet time made all the difference.
i cannot remember EVER being filled with such
a sense of serenity as i did that morning the second
time i headed out the door. and that peace never
left me through the entire crash. i think it kept me
from tensing up and receiving severe injuries.

"Jesus paid it all.
all to Him i owe.
sin had left the crimson flow...
He washed me white as snow."

hear the drums.
the marching bands.
the excitement of the crowds.
the joy and promise of a future and a hope.
that dreams can live and troubles can be
turned to blessings and music can still the
noise and rowdiness of our lives.

i hear the celebration
of all those who have been touched
by the vast love of God. an armload
of groceries delivered to your front door.
someone willing to watch the children in a crisis..
a car that pulls over to the side of the road when
another car is obviously having problems. ask
Jesus to use you. to help you build the strains of
symphony wherever you go. in big moments
and small. making the world a better place for broken
lives around you.

still no car.
i wonder what God is thinking?
for today, i just need something to
get around in. i want to buy from an owner.
nothing fancy. but power locks and windows.
mechanically in tact. please pray for me. for
this car. that i will happily accept whatever
God gives me.

my identity used to be wrapped up in the kind of car
i drove. can you imagine?! i just knew people would think
i was more important if i had a cush sort of car.
i started with porsches and mercedes,
and ended up driving beat-up old vans that will would find at a
bargain. pitiful cars. no air conditioning in 107degree heat. once,
brock, colson , brandt and i crawled into an old van, heading
for one of taylor's basketball games. when i turned it on, the
entire front end, under the hood, fell to the ground. dropped onto
the asphalt. in one big lump.

well, today, my identity is completely in Jesus.
i have none. i am of no significance apart from Him.
absolutely none. may i be able to see this truth for
myself as i accept whatever God thinks i need to drive.

looking for another car.
i turn in my rental today.
my insurance gave me two weeks.

and here i am.

last saturday, a couple friends of mine and i
went out to used car lots, looking.
every car in each lot. 105 degrees.
nothing! just nothing!! hot and grimy and
weary and wondering.

i told my pastor's wife that when she
hears a big noise, and sees an old car pull
into the church parking lot, she will automatically
know i've arrived. i loved my kia sorento. it had
everything on it. taylor had found it for me two
summers ago when he was home.

life happens.
just like death.
in a second. a moment. and
everything changes. someone
walks into his job of 24 yrears, and
is notified he is being fired. "do not
show up tomorrow!"

a woman from facebook says she has
sent out 500plus job applications....i don't know
how often or for how long....but she is putting one
foot in front of the other. i'm so glad she told me
about herself. finding a job or a car that i can
afford is so difficult. today, i am going to the bank.
to the grocery store. getting whatever i need in
case i can't leave my house. without a car, there
is no where for me to go since i'm in the country.

i'm afraid. i cannot remember one day that i haven't
gone somewhere. errands or visiting someone or
heading for the gym to workout. and how will i look
for cars? or get here to panera's to blog?

"fear not, for i am with you. do not be
dismayed. I am your God. I will
strengthen you; i will help you; i will uphold
you with My victorious right hand." (isaiah 41:10)

whatever your needs are today,
and whatever are mine...we are commanded
to be CONTENT. that the closer we draw to Jesus,
the more power He infuses in us.

the accident was not my fault, but i was left
with some big problems. Jesus always stops us
when we are just roaming around. on some level,
self-sufficient. He calls us to bow down. to sit and
rest. to be silent and listen. so He can use what is
happening to us to stretch our wings and help us to
fly higher and farther for Him. to learn to be utterly
dependant on Him. we are waiting, Lord. waiting
for You.

it is such a challenge to get my body
ready for another day. wash my face.
eat. brush my teeth. decide on what i'm
going to wear. brush my hair out. put on
some make-up. day after day and year after
year.

are you a morning person?
oh, i wish i were. i have a friend who
gets out of bed at 4:30 a.m. every day,
and loves heading out of her driveway
at least by 8 a.m. .

if i had a job at the airport, and had to
open one of the shops at 5:30 a.m. every
day, i would rather go on to Heaven. when
i taught school for two years, fresh out of college,
i hated having to fly out of bed. always having to show up
very early. day after day after day. on the
week-ends, i would set my alarm real early so i
could just bask in the joy of turning it off and
going back to sleep.

the only years i consistently ran out my door
at 5:30 every morning were the days i was in my
peak marathoning. getting out of bed and just
pulling on my shorts was the hardest. i loved
running ten or more miles before much of the
world was even awake.

living.
it is not something of small effort.
it takes determination and discipline and
fortitude to get through 24 hours a day.
especially when life is hard and our children
are struggling and our health is compromised
and some friend has hurt our feelings and we've
lost our jobs.

Jesus promises to keep us in perfect peace.
He tells us to cast our burdens on Him, and He will
sustain us. that our hearts must not be troubled or
afraid. we are not to worry about what we will eat or
drink because He is with us always.

"Lord, our souls are cast down. lift us up.
smooth our wrinkled, complicated lives, and
may we shine for You. may we remember that
living is ALL about YOU. and praise. thank you,
Jesus, for holding the whole world in Your hand."

i lie in bed and sing,

"as the deer panteth for the water
so my soul longeth after You. You
alone are my heart's desire, and i long
to worship You...."

"You alone are my strength and shield.
and to You alone does my spirit yield.
You alone are my heart's desire, and i
long to worship You."

a tear will slide down my face.
my heart will calm down.
Jesus is my Song. my morning Star
and evening Sky. Jesus is everything.

as warriors,
may we long for Him.
yearn for His presence.
hear His voice. and run
for the Goal. may all our hopes
and dreams be wrapped up in our
devotion to Him. the Savior of this
broken world and our struggling lives.

as warriors, may we always remember
that this is His Race, and we are here
simply to serve Him. to worship and bow
down. in humility and devotion and love.
and to finish the course.

i read the line of a song:
"could we live like Your grace is
stronger than all our faults and failures...
so could we live like this and shine in all
the world?" (matt rodman)

it is evening.
car lights are turning on.
stores are lit from the outside.
i can look out and see the breeze
bending limbs. and every day,
at its close, i've been working on not
focusing on things i didn't get done today,
but on the one or two or three things i DID
accomplish.

as i kneel at night,
i'm painfully aware that it has not been
a perfect day. that i have sinned in word or
thought. that i've not taken the debt collectors
on,and once and for all, settled my payment
plans and pushed them off my back. i know
i could have given more. run harder. faster.

oh, the Blood of Jesus.
it covers all the things left undone.
forgives all the discrepencies. washes
away our fears and self-loathing and doubts.

"what can wash away my sins?
nothing but the Blood of Jesus.
what can make me whole again?
nothing but the Blood of Jesus.

"how precious is the flow
that washes white as snow....no
other fount i know...nothing but the Blood
of Jesus." (old hymn of the church)

each night,
may we all forgive ourselves for
all the shortcomings. for all the things we did
in earlier years that we wish we could undo. may
we remember we are all strapped with jagged, glaring
failures and humanity, and may we lay it all down
at the feet of Jesus. just lay it all down.
roll our burdens off our shoulders, and lay them down.