today finally arrived.
brandt and jasmine and my
doll-baby colben pulled left out of
their driveway ..and i, right.

their car packed to the hilt.
two dogs in their kennel at
the back of their suv. colben
in the middle row. brandt and
jasmine...22 yrs. and 24 yrs....
with sunbeams radiating off
their faces. living out the miracle
of the firefighter position in
harrisburg, pa...the great and
glorious God making good
on His promises:

"call unto Me,
and I will show you
great and mighty things
you know not. call....
unto Me!"

                 colben

an open hand.
never holding on to people,
places, or things. especially
my treasured and adored
grandbaby and children.
fingers stretched.

my palms flat.
fingers spread.
"Jesus, take out or put
into my life whatever You
desire. may i not hold too
tightly to what i most love
so You are always first. and
can accomplish whatever You
desire."

my heart wound
like a tight knot around
the yearnings of my mother-soul.
running tears forming a river
of love that leads to true
Redemption for all who swim there.

i wept behind tinted windows.
praying God will use my sons
to change the world when i am
old and gone.

oh, i love this passage...
"the Servant grew up before God...
a scrawny seedling.
a scrubby plant in a parched
field.

"there was nothing attractive
about Him...He was looked down
on and passed over.

"a Man who suffered.
who knew pain firsthand.
but the fact is, it was OUR
pain He carried. our
disfigurements....
"it was OUR sins that did that
to Him. that ripped and tore and
crushed Him. OUR SINS....

"He took the punishment,
and that made us whole.
and God piled all our sins
on Him. on Him...."
isaiah 53

i'm sorry i didn't say very nice
things about where we stayed
in fresno. it is a first-class organization.
i was just so scared,
and aghast at all the crooked
corners ramming into me
that i forgot love put us there,

and Jesus had a plan even in this.
stripping me of every morsel of
self so as to be prepared for a
battle of massive force about to
confront me.

are you sort of there today?
shattered? in pieces? scared?
the glories of the Lord are being
perfected in you. and the deeper
and darker the descent, the more
glorious and thrilling the work
that is being accomplished.

keep running, warriors.
fight the adversaries. this is
not a race in perfection. never!
but a journey in love's power.
God taking up the cause of all
black sheep.

"if you'll hold on to me for dear
life, "says God, "I'll get you out of
any trouble.
I'll give you the best care
if you'll only get to know and
trust Me.
call Me and I'll answer, be at your
side in bad times; I'll rescue you,
then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of
salvation!" psalm 91

memorial day week-end.
the most incredible, difficult
holiday of my life.....and it
still startles me when it comes
around each year.

memorial weekend. 1996.
herb and dona, dear friends
of mine, saw my fragile figure
and shadowed sadness, and
knew something was terribly
wrong.

will and i were having intense
struggles. i literally felt i could
physically die. no hope left.
and they boarded me and our
four young sons on a plane
that friday, the start of the holiday.

the five of us landed in fresno,
california, where there was a
Christian counselling center that specialized in missionaries and
Christian workers. herb and dona
knew people there.

we were dropped at the apartment
assigned to us. ancient. dirty,
shag carpet. old. we knew no one.
the whole world seemed to have
disappeared until after monday.
no car. dropped, it seemed, into
an almost-worst madness than
we had left. i was petrified, but
had to remain calm for the children.

and i didn't have any pain
medicine with me. back in
the days of my serious addiction.
the children and i all slept in
one bed every night spent there.

i never remembered
that i had spoken at fresno arena
with dale evans (roy rogers). or
keynoted a large, women's
conference at a major church there.
fresno was as removed to my
brain as the congo.

it was 107 degrees that wk. end.
a jungle of boiling pavement,
unknown faces, busy streets...
and my body beginning withdrawal.

many things happened.
i spent 30 days in a drug rehab
that changed my life. jan flew in
and took care of the children.
everything was for the boys. there
was NOTHING i wasn't willing to
endure for their safe well-being.

we are many years down the
road. i'm in recovery. will and i
eventually reunited...and 16 mos.
later..was diagnosed with cancer
and passed away. by God's grace,
i saw my children through adolescence, and beyond. a single
mom. a widow. passionate about
Jesus, and the world.....and consumed with love for my sons.

feet back on the ground.
healthier than ever.
indebted to a couple in
pennsylvania who put a lot
of money on the table to save us
for a year.

i still tremble as i write this.
excruciating pain and suffering
that God used to bring me to the
other side of complete brokenness.
and blessed me with new friends,
and the most-amazing sons ever.

i salute the veterans.
i now have a 24yr. old who
is one. but for me,
memorial day wk.end
will always represent the most ravaged,
terrifying days of my life. days
that led to my greatest victories
and adventure.

"surprise us with love
at daybreak; then we'll skip
and dance all day long.
and let the loveliness of our God
rest on us. confirming the
work that we do." psalm 90

oh, Jesus, we hold on to You
forever. alleluia. amen.

i drove to sacramento
last night after celebrate
recovery. to spend the
night with jan before her
surgery today.

we slept
on couches
next to each other
so as not to disturb
tom's sleep...and to
talk between bathroom
and sleeping. still so one.
so connected. tom and i
were with her until they
rolled her into surgery around
noon. she came through
amazingly. Jesus reigns.

the very top manager
at mcdonald's called colson
in. she wants him back to
be night manager even though
he felt demeaned and walked
out the other night. colson
went to his crew and asked them
to forgive him for bailing.

he has brilliant people skills.
is a hard worker. it is that quick-fire
temper we keep working on. in
one day off, he got another job.
part-time. so now he has two
jobs. oh, i love his pure core.

if a mother didn't have
prayer. to the living God.
the crying-out of heart and
soul for her children....where
would our hope lie? what would
i do? where would i lay my tear-
soaked longings for my children?

"on Christ, the Solid Rock, i
stand. all other ground is
sinking sand. all other ground is
sinking sand."

my friend, claudia, reminded
our group at celebrate recovery
to "reveal and heal". i confess
tonight that my righteousness
is as "filthy rags". i confess
i am NOTHING without Jesus.
that i get weary of the Race.

i am always
only seconds away
from my next humiliation.

please
take my hand...and i want
to take yours...
and may we
"trust in the Lord with all
our hearts...." (proverbs 3)
and love every one who passes
our way.

all for Jesus.
all for Jesus.

an old pic of jan and me

after i talked her into running

a 10k with me.

"and i will worship.
worship.
eternal hallelujahs to the
King. eternal hallelujahs
to the King...."
10,000 reasons

home.
all the excitement and
planning. and welcoming
and celebrating are over
for now. glorious anticipation
has translated into unpacking.
re-entering the real world.

finding out one of my children
had gotten a $100 tattoo, and
now had no money for food.
that did not sit well. weaving
back and forth across the line
of fundamental growth. oh, i
understand. it's the story of
my life.

ended up sending
less..way less..with
instruction: eat dollar
specials and top ramen.
how far, darling, can you stretch
it?

who enjoys
these motherhood moments?
not me!!!!

please pray for jan.
she's having surgery
tomorrow. my treasured
jan.

re-entry has never been
easy for me. at least it's
tuesday. since childhood,
mondays wreck havoc with me.
good thing tonight is celebrate
recovery.

life is not made of lots
of big moments. mostly
ordinary ones. it's what we do
with every day living that
determine the rare miracles.

"and we will worship..worship...
glory hallelujahs to the King."

taylor and ann

dinner at benehana to celebrate taylor's graduation
and birthday...and brandt's new job

"if you search for Me

with all your soul, you will

find Me.... "  deuteronomy 4:29

i've spent the last four days

in monterey with my children

and friends and family

celebrating taylor's birthday and

commencement. chilly. breezy.

blazing sun..and rippling tide.

poor brandt.  2nd degree

burns while sitting on chairs

during the ceremony, all the

wind and breeze playing havoc

with his skin.

colben, ann

brandt, taylor

AND...

we were hugging and kissing...

tears swimming in our shining

eyes.  woohooing that brandt

is officially a new firefighter,

heading for harrisburg, pa...and

taylor with degree in film.

we toasted the boys.

toasted debby for coming 

so far. ultimately. with tears

in our eyes, we clinked our

hotel room glasses to the

glorious God Who is the ONLY

one who can orchestrate such

wonders and surprises

for every-day people who

tried to pay their dues.

all  the years of ups and downs.

the hard work. loneliness. discouragement. i, the mom, 

lying upstairs.  face buried in carpet.

uh-uh!! no enemy was going 

to tell me miracles didn't happen.

and races couldn't be run and

won.  with our God,

rainbows show up on

frequent basis.

more later.

but i know you prayed.

thought of us .  my children did.

thank you.

oh,  don't worry.

brock broke up with his

girlfriend. and colson got

sick and tired of too little

respect in his managerial post

at mcdonald's..and quit.  the boys had

a pow wow on how they  could

see him through.

always watching each other's

back.  my feet are so swollen.

sooo sore.  these feet!!!!  time,

my doctor says.  feels like

forever.

lastly, 

taylor's

birth mother came..

and she and i shared a room.

taking walks. holding  hands.

whatever anyone thought. we

are mothers to a fine son.

"you will seek Me

and find Me...when you seek with every breath and

golden yearning of your souls."

i'm running into Your arms,  Jesus.

as fast as i can.

robin, my birth mom...debby, our wow friend....and taylor

tomorrow,
everyone heads to
monterey, ca.
celebration begins.
taylor's birthday.
and graduation.

and i'm sitting in the
beauty shop to have my
hair highlighted. smile. and
getting a tan this afternoon.
a big fuss, but i think life
is a celebration.

would you please pray for
our time together....as i pray
for your days, too? and may we
never forget to remember that
in the twists and turns of living,
we must hold on to joy.....and
laughter thrown in along the way.

""oh, Lord,
i know the way of man
is not in himself; it is not
in man who walks to direct
His own steps."

"commit your works to the Lord,
and your thoughts will be established..."

"He will be our guide
even to death...."

find something
that tickles you today.
something to smile about.
life is too short not to.
i love you.