it was one of those flawless

days. june 7, 1981,

the day will and i married.

a sunday afternoon, my favorite

day of the week. a large, old

church across from the boston commons.

my holy father,

a pastor for fifty years, 

married us...and raymond

berry, will's football hero...

the all-time great, wide receiver

for the baltimore colts, walked me

down the aisle. a choir of ghetto

children preceded me down the

aisle, singing.

today,

i understand why most

brides break into tears as they

start down the aisle. in our hearts,

we really mean to be married

for the duration of our lives. only

when you are getting married

do you understand how huge it

is, for better or worse, to give

yourself away...'til death.

before our wedding,

i never once asked will

how much money he made.

at that time in my life, i was

wealthy. many best-selling

books. a full staff. and...i

chose to sell my condo

on the atlantic waters in boston

to be completely committed

to will's life as a potato farmer.

i pray you will stick with me

through these blogs because

it is a story of love and rage and

pain....and finally, today, victory.

and victory didn't come when

will died 13 years ago, but

within the last year.

just painting around the edges.

a rough overview. large strokes

of glaring errors and massive

leaps of forgiveness. a door that might open ...

and suck enough air in to make the rooms of your

hearts grow. and soften. and

blow the enemy out the side window.

if will and i never talked money

or budgeting before walking

down the aisle, and i never saw

one penny of his income for years,

you can imagine how we started.

and though i utterly believed this

was the man for me, i had

never learned to love myself so

how could i genuinely love anyone

else?

i will do my best

to show you what it's taken

for God to still be teaching the

children and me that love can

live inspite of harrowing obstacles.

with much prayer and love.

and hoping you had a beautiful

thanksgiving.

this may take several blogs

to complete. i don't believe i have   

ever, in detail, talked about my

19 years of marriage. 

some marriages glide along as smooth

and unruffled as glass in a pond.

each of us believes that will be 

our story as we stand at the marriage altar.  

our relationship

will out-do all others. i wore

optimism around my shoulders,

always, believing any tree could

reach higher in the sky. any dream

could live. and love is so powerful

that nothing is impossible.

all i ever really wanted, next to

Jesus, was a husband and children.

it never occurred to me that God

would say "no"......or that it would

be the most difficult journey of my

life.

i had experienced so much

rejection in my life, and had few

skills in building a relationship

with a man.

"oh, my soul, bless God.

He forgives your sins...every one.

He heals your diseases...every one.

He redeems you from hell..

He crowns you with love and mercy.

He wraps you in goodness.

He renews your youth."

psalm 103  

we've had some tough moments

as a family recently, and brock

called from dallas.

"mom, just think of what today is ."

"today? november 27.."

brock!!!!

the day daddy died 13 years ago!!!

november 27, 2000.

i had completely forgotten.

and we began to talk about

how hard it was to live with dad...

but ultimately, the good he brought

into our lives.

(continued tomorrow).....

three years ago,

my beautiful, brilliant, darling,

incredible grandbaby, colben,

was born. he's my first and only

grandchild, so please forgive me

if i think he's the shining sun and 

bursting stars of the galaxy.

it was november 25, 2010.

and that year was thanksgiving

day. i had just put the stuffed

turkey in the oven when brandt

called and said jasmine was in

labor. taylor was the photographer

of the event, and we were all in

the delivery room when colben 

pushed his beautiful little head

into the world.

i could never have known

that day how this baby was

going to bless my life. that the

most difficult times 

were coming, and colben was

God's kiss on my tear-stained  face

 and the garden of my soul.

neither did i know that God 

had given me the most generous,

unselfish daughter-in-law

who allowed me all the time

i needed to enjoy and love on

her baby. brandt is the fire-

fighter in the family, and now

they live by her family in

pittsburgh. i'm so happy for them,

but how i miss my little, star-kissed

baby doll.

colben william anderson.

with a head full of ringlets,

warm, honey-colored skin and

chocolate-glistening eyes.....

happy birthday, 

big boy! you color the sky

red and yellow and purple

and green..... and make

grandma laugh. oh, i treasure

you, colben. grandma loves

you.

"Jesus loves you,

this i know...for the Bible

tells me so.

little ones to Him belong.

they are weak, but He is strong..."

yes. yes. yes.

Jesus loves you.

yes. yes. yes.

be a dreamer for Him,

too.

"this is the air i breathe.

Your very words spoken

to me....and i..i'm desperate

for You. i'm lost without You.."

i was standing with a couple of

very good friends...and they

were brewing thoughts

and feelings about someone i

love very much. i just stood

there while they verbalized 

some negative pieces of this

woman. there would be a spurt

of laughter, and the conversation

progressed to a higher level.

trust me, i have failed, at 

times, to not cover people's

backs, but raising four sons

as a widow. being responsible

for their character building, and

my deep, pure belief that love

transcends all differences, the

core of my belief system has

stood the tests of time. i have

four sons who always have my 

back. absolutely always. and

the same goes for each other.

i looked at my friends, smiling.

we are all so human. flawed.

imperfect. write my name at

the top of the list.

"ann, why are you suddenly so

quiet?"

"i just wish we could talk about

something else. we're all so

imperfect. let's believe in the

best in each other. what else

can we talk about?"

that simple.

we made a quick, smooth shift,

and i felt so much happier.

"HE WHO COVERS OVER AN

OFFENSE, PROMOTES LOVE,

BUT WHOEVER REPEATS THE

MATTER, SEPARATES FRIENDS"

proverbs 17:9

this thanksgiving,

let's breathe God's air,

and dance in the desperate

beauty of His Presence.

i pulled out of my

driveway, heading for

the freeway to sacramento.

jan is finally home from back

surgery and i was on my way

to be with her while tom was

at work.

i live about ten miles from town.

by the side of the road,

with a big, solid rod of some

kind, stood an unshaven,

almost toothless man. heading

for the stop sign, i couldn't get the

image of him out of my mind.

what would Jesus do?

there was something wrong

with this picture, and i know

it might seem foolish, but i

felt compelled to turn my car

around, and see if God needed me

to assist Him with this

seemingly broken man.

he squinted at me through

stunning, almost-blinding

morning sun.

"hi, sir....where are you headed?"

he proceeds to tell me his car

gave out on him a couple hours

ago, and he was walking home

to get a part. that he was a

mechanic in lodi. hmmmmm.

"sir, do you know Jesus?

because He sure knows you,

and He cares about everything

that matters to you."

he vehemently shook his head

"no"!!!!! he wasn't interested.

  

i quietly spoke. doors locked.

my window partially down.

when i asked about the heavy

rod he was carrying. he told

me it was his walking pole.

"well, maybe you didn't notice,

but you whacked my rear view

mirror off, and i can see pieces

of it right now, around your feet.

i forgive you the way Jesus

forgives us."

pulling away,

i think of a little market,

and i swing by. buying a

bottle of 7-up...and getting

a little cash, i drive back to

the road where i'd left the broken

man, loved by God. 

i keep my distance. remain in my car....

but press the window down

again.

as i hand him the cold drink,

and a couple bills, i begin to

sing to him.

"freely, freely

you have received...

freely, freely give.

go..in My Name, and because

you believe, others will know

that l live."

"don't forget...Jesus loves you."

not a thank you or a smile.

no gratitude or ...

"i'm sorry about your mirror."

but,

Jesus says we are to

love our enemies and do

good to those who flunk

in kindness.

we are all runners in the RACE.

not the10k or boston marathon.

the run for eternity. and we are

to bring all we can with us.

i don't always know how to

run up the rugged hills, or how

to help others really understand

how imperative the Race is. we

are simply called to love. may

God empower each of us to run,

and by His grace, win.

   

"and Jesus said...

come to the water.

stand by My side.

I know you are thirsty.

you won't be denied.

l felt every tear that

in darkness you cried.

and l'm here to remind you

that for those tears l died."

close of another Sabbath.

jan back home ten days after back

surgery and much pain.

"ann, i have to wear this ugly

body brace. my hair is awful.

my spray tan is gone except

for brown spots where i've

been washed and i.v.'s have

been put in. i can't be alone

tomorrow when tom goes to

work, but no one is allowed to

see me like this but you and tom."

well...

my foot is almost 8 weeks

down the road from another

surgery. not better, but worse.

but i can drive with my right

leg. take extra pain medicine

with me...and try.

like Jesus.

bending over the blind.

"Lord, that i might see."

having a sick man lowered

through the roof because of

the massive crowds.

"rise up and walk."

touching the lepers.

the untouchables.

kissing a child's skinned knee.

ministering to a dying, aids'

man. smoothing his gown.

wiping his brow.

calling a dead child back to life.

Jesus was always busy

healing the sick and infirmed.

a woman with a blood issue

had only to touch the hem of His

garment. thousands pushing and

trying to get close, but the second

she touched His cloth, He knew.

God never misses anyone with

unaltering faith. the courage

to believe. to know there is NOTHING a great God can't do!

absolutely nothing.

so...

this week,

amidst the troubles and

sorrows and wrenching, missteps of life, may we keep

our eyes open for the sick and

dying all around us. may we be

what Jesus requires of us.

may we especially remember

that almost everyone comes

to Jesus at a point of need.

i have a friend just diagnosed

with breast cancer. 36 yrs. old.

mother of six. please...pray.  

and that i'll be strong enough to

get off this couch, and nurse jan

so she'll feel no shame.

and for you,

i pray the same.

of life.

"and...

He walks with me

and He talks with me

and He tells me i am His

own...."

veronica.

my very dearest korean

friend. it's been two months

since i've been to quality cleaners.

veronica and her husband's

business. as you know,

they live in my neighborhood.

i've been too ill, but i miss her.

i've hugged and kissed her...

and tried to be Jesus to her.

she always kisses my face.

in very broken english,

she tells me every time

i walk in that i'm her very

best friend. she loves me.

and for over three years, 

i have tried to pour love on her head.

paint peace on her walls. and

wait for her to open her

heart to Jesus. never a sign

of desire to know Him.

eight months. i felt she probably

missed me, too. Jesus has pulled

me deeper and deeper through

a shroud of pain...to remember my mission. my calling.

i limped through the front door

of quality cleaners.

"veronica, hey!"

and running through the

racks of cellophane-covered

clothes, i see my little, tiny

friend with pure love and joy

and worry all spooned together

on her face. we throw our

arms around each other. i'm

much taller, and i bury my face

in her neck, tears soaking her

skin. her arms tightly squeezed

around my waist. i'm not fancy

today. skinny jeans and a simple,

cropped top, and uggs.

veronica finally loosens her arms

and steps back. her face also wet

with tears.

 

"every morning, i pray to God,"

(and she emphasizes God!) "and

i ask Him to make you well. "

her liquid, dark eyes glisten,

and she points to Heaven. she

is excited to tell me. to let me

know she's been praying for me.

she keeps pointing up, and

saying God.

veronica has stepped over the

line. from belief in a foreign god...to

an acute awareness of a living

God. Who loves us. Who listens.

Who cares. Who answers. a miracle!

pure and untarnished and beautiful.

"and the joy we share as we tarry

there...none other has ever known."

walking with Jesus. we

don't have to search for people

every day to love for Him. He

will put them right in front of us.

you and Jesus and i and love.

right where we live. changing

the world.