ann kiemel

i know you understand
pain and sorrow and loss and
fear. for me, they have become some of my best friends.
let me add failure to the top of this
list.

either we choose
to become bitter and
resentful, or we join hands
with these pieces of life that
break and bend us. all my
successes have really contributed
nothing to my character and
compassion and kindness.
nothing. and if we are truly
honest, we understand that we
deserve no credit for achievements
anyway. that is the stuff of an
amazing God, bestowed upon
us even as unworthy as we are.

failure.
that is a part of
every day in my life. at least
one tinge of judgment crosses
my mind. or i'm late to church. or
i neglect more time with
Jesus. or i worry and fret
more than i pray and trust.
but failure has taught me kindness
and pure love for all those around
me. it continues to lift me out
of myself and into a cavern of
caring for everyone i see. failure has woven gentleness
through my soul and out my
fingertips and into the muscles
of my careless thoughts.

tonight,
brandt called.,
his voice uneven. quiet.
so opposite from this morning....
when he said he'd found a
two bedroom, one bath apartment
for them. thrilled. excited.

"mom, they told me
my credit wasn't good
enough. i have never been
late or missed my rent. ever!
i have my budget for jasmine
and me and colben...and i've
been paying off our first year's
debt every month. no one
has rejected me before, mom."
24 years old. married almost
four years. a father.

brock called, en route to the
airport for los angeles, and
his band concert this week-end.

"mom, i left an envelope under
my doormat for colson. all
his money went to rent so i
left him $30 for groceries, and
$6 for a pack of cigarettes. but
he has to walk 14 miles to
pick it up because i was about
to miss my flight. i feel really
badly."

taylor eats one meal a day.
almost six foot three, and
thinking of college loans
accruing interest now that
he's graduated.

my hair..pulled back in a ponytail.
my face streaked with tears.

"fear nothing......
not wild wolves or flying arrows.
not disease. not disaster.....
because God's your Refuge.
the High God your very own home."
ps.91

to you. to my sister, jan. to
my children....remember,
"God's eye is on the sparrow.
and He watches over you."