"ho, everyone who is thirsty in spirit...."

 

thirsty?

ravaged by heat waves of doubt and

despair.  begging...longing to dip our

fingers of pain into cool waters.  our

scorched hope and dreams begging for

a Savior. 

 

rain, Lord, rain.

rain down our faces and shoulders

and into every dark place in our lives.

 

i'm thirsty, Lord.  in my soul.

down to my toes that take me running...

right beside you.  but  sometimes i don't

feel worthy.  heat rising off my hurt and pain

and disappointments.

 

"ho, everyone who is weary and sad..."

are you tired of the journey?  disappointment?

never expecting years and years for dreams to live.

sacrifice and pain and yes, even the death of the vision.

i've taught my children that dreams CANNOT live until

they first die.  and dying....utterly surrendering to God's will..

is one of the hardest tasks any human can plough through.

 

surrendering what we think the vision should be,

and allowing God to take over.  our very best plans

are counterfeit to what God has instore for us.

 

"come to the fountain,

there's fullness in Jesus....

ALL you are looking for,

come and be found.."

 

we're coming Lord.

running. stumbling. arms reaching out.

do you see us, Jesus?  hear the noise

of our feet slapping on the road behind you.?"

we are coming.  we are so human. You know

we are just dust.

 

"i will pour water on him that is thirsty.

i will pour floods upon the dry ground.

open your hearts to the gifts I am bringing.

all you are looking for, I can be found."

(an old hymn we sang on Sunday night

meetings)

 

the Lord has EVERYTHING

we need to have our thirst quenched.

He sees the whole world, and waits for

us to run to Him.

 

here. take my hand. and you take the hand

next to you.  and we will pass it around so

the whole world knows.  rain, water, rain.

 

 

 

 

it was a large crowd.

a mass of people in a big auditorium.

i spoke a very simple message about Jesus and me

and love.  sharing stories about my neighborhood.

singing little songs.  everything about Jesus. glorifying Him.

oh, i am passionate about all God can do through

ordinary people of strong faith.  

 

Jesus is ALL about love.

the prostitute.  the blind man.  the fishermen.

the gay.  the struggling and broken and all

who cannot see any way out of the holes

they have fallen into.  usually by choice.

 

keep remembering this as i tell you

this story.  God's love can shake a mountain

and deliver people through the red sea.

 

i had signed books for almost two hours

afterward, and was getting weary.  each person

was very significant to me.  my "detail" there to

protect me took each of my arms, and told ALL the

others that i was done for the night.  i kept turning

around and saying, "i'm so sorry.."

 

as we started to turn a corner in the building, i turned

and saw a young woman.  completely gothic.  everything

black.  tattoos as i recall, and piercings.  can't remember

all the details, but she was definitely from a sub-culture.

i was instantly drawn toward her.  she was alone.  apart

from the rest of the book line.  and i knew it had taken ALOT
of courage for her to be standing there.

 

and  hugged her.  i said, "i love you...i really love you.

and so does Jesus."

 

and then, i was out. 

and that was years and years ago.

still single. ALOT of years ago.

 

last year,

i received a letter from this

girl's parents.  they had tried to find

me several years.  they wanted me to know

what had happened to their daughter since that night.

 

within a week, she was signing up for school.

she graduated from college.  married.  became a mother

of four.  and today, is commited to Jesus and working in

their church.

 

beautiful as a towering redwood.

precious as a newborn.

miraculous as crushing goliath

in one breath.  all and only what a

great, magnificent God can do.

the Blood of Jesus. running down

the ridges and alleys of our hearts.

covering and protecting our reckless

behavior, when we get lost.

 

the Blood that never runs dry. 

 

 

 

 

i've complained so over my cell phone.

i'm on a plan with my two oldest children,

and we are breathless, waiting for july to

come so we can get better phones.

 

last week, i dropped my phone.

grabbed the back piece, put it back

together, and suddenly began to wonder

why i couldn't get the phone to turn on.

even after hours of charging.

 

my neighbor, who can fix just about anything,

took a look at it, and solemnly asked:

"ann, where is your battery?"

 

my battery!!

oh, no. i thanked God over and over,

knowing He can see it even now.  wherever

it is.  but i grabbed a little, almost worthless

phone i had in my drawer.   it tells me there

are seven messages, but refuses to help me find

them.  no texting.  no beautiful picture of my grandbaby.

 

But i've learned a very important lesson.

to STOP griping about my cell phone.  it is true.

we never appreciate anything until we lose it.

today, i got out of my car at the doctor's office. dropped

the phone.

 

grabbed this silly little phone, made sure the battery

was in it.  put the back on....but couldn't get it to

turn on!  i was standing there, so frustrated.  now

what?!!  i suddenly looked up, and a young guy

was sitting in the passenger-side front seat, playing

around with his cell phone.  right next to my car!

 

"hey, can you help me?  i don't know how

to turn this cell phone on?"

 

he took it.  smiled.

and instantly turned it on.

not a second of thought.  as

fast as a new york minute.

i have four sons who can do the same.

 

i thanked him so much, and started to

walk away, when it dawned on me that God

had orchestrated this very moment.  i went

back to his window.

 

"i know Jesus had you park right

here for me.  i don't know if you know Him,

but He sure knows you!  He hand-picked you

to help me."  and i smiled into his eyes.     he

said "wow"...and that was it.

 

remember, God is always putting

people in front of us because they need HIm.

keep watching.  alert.  tomorrow is another day

for us to keep helping Jesus change the world.

no encounter is too small.  God knows the whole

story, and all He asks is just for us to love others

and remind them that Jesus really lives.

that word "REMORSE" keeps coming to me.

it is more than 'i'm sorry'...not even close to

"well, i failed again'.  seven letters put together

that sort of punch you in the stomach.  make your

legs shake.  beef up your heart rate.  takes us to our

knees in the reality that we have failed God or another.

 

remorse.

a disbelief that we are capable of humanly crafting

something that is going to do great harm to another,

or to a redemptive cause.  the deep, aching regret

that we cannot change what we've done.  can't dress it

up and color it like a rainbow and flick it aside and just

sigh and go on with life.

 

uh-uh.  no way.  not possible.

remorse can only transform us and heal us

and be redeemable if we fall on our faces and

confess to the only One, Jesus.  who knows ALL

the pieces.  the hidden lies.  the unseen ugliness.

the well-kept secrets that we'd almost rather die

than confess to another human being.

 

remorse can kill or transform us.

it all depends on what we do with it.

the Bible says we must confess to Jesus, and

then,  to another.  that is where the crunch comes.

it may take months or even years before we have the

courage to say it out-loud to another.  but i know

about courage.  it is a gift from God.  it is not something

we have to pull out of our inner core.  this was one of

the most amazing things i've learned in my Christian walk.

my father-in-law, dr. henry brandt, taught this to me.

 

remorse over an abortion/s?  a closet alcoholic?  em-

bezzeling someone's money?  wound the tender hearts of

our children in a very damaging way?  i think remorse

covers everything dirty and nasty and wrong, and we are

desperate for the Savior.  the Blood.  for forgiveness from

Jesus and others and yes, even for ourselves. this is often

the hardest part of all.

 

there is some remorse that isn't intentionally commited.

an earnest mother who forgets something in the house,

and leaves the children in the car for just a second,  but

something terrible happens.  and she can't fix it.

 

remorse.

i am so  glad we have a Savior.

i can usually forgive anyone of almost anything

because i've messed up enough myself that i have

no business being critical of another. if you are living

with remorse, just remember that God can work GOOD out

of ANYTHING.  beauty out of ashes.  blessings unimaginable.

 

a time comes when we have to dust ourselves off.  wrap

the comfort of the Lord around our shoulders, and move on,

truly believing that there is hope and deliverance for us all.

 

 

"swing-low, sweet chariot.

coming for to carry you Home.

swing low,  sweet chariot....

coming for to carry you Home..."

 

as a little girl, i loved someone coming behind me

and pushing my swing up.  over and over.  higher and

higher.  the warm air. my pony-tail flying back and forth.

i felt more powerful.  could look down and see the sand.

or look up and feel the beeze and see the big, huge sky.

 

swing low.

drop to your knees

and put the side of your face

to the ground.  feel the fresh, cool earth

and listen.  listen for the sound of joy rising

up as tree-roots spread everywhere, and the

grass blades shoot higher, and the geraniums

who have learned to live through almost anything.

 

that is why i LOVE geraniums.

you can water them, or forget to.

rains can come and drown them, but

just as sure as the sun will come out again,

so will geraniums peek up from their muddy,

damp houses and sing again. 

 

i want to be like geraniums.

let the winds and hail and rain come.

let the world throw you a curve that makes

you  bend and fall to your knees and wonder

if you will ever rise again to laugh and sing and

grab another's hand.  and believe...

 

against all odds.

to breathe the clean air and

the rich, rich love of Jesus, and know

that, ALWAYS, His arm is NEVER too short.

nor His love.. nor His forgiveness.  He is

the Rock. and....

 

i can hear the chariots coming over and over

to pick up those who have been faithful. and carry

them Home.  maybe haven't been very perfect. maybe

messed up alot...like the prodigal son...but  the chariots

still come.  with the choirs singing very soft and low...

and carrying us through the Gates.  into the massive,

strong love of God.  can you hear the music?

 

listen.  please

be quiet enough to feel the miracles

of new people arriving at Heaven's door

again and again and again.  and know that,

some day, the chariots will be carrying us up.

and we will be in the lap of God forever and ever and

ever.

 

i love you all.   ann

 

 

chuck colson died over the week-end.

he was in president nixon's inner circle,

and went to prison for several years.

he found Jesus, and started what is, today, a

giant ministry in prisons.

 

will and i named our 3rd-born son 'colson'

after this great  an.  chuck wrote to colson multiple times,

and we discovered that we each had been named

for two daughters in an alabama family.  four children

who are accomplished violinists.  kiemel and kolson.

first names.  chuck and i loved that.

 

in a blink, Jesus called.

and chuck stepped from earth right into Heaven.

as if he was taking a walk in the park. 

or was asleep, and awakened in the arms of God.

he doesn't have to shave anymore.  or take vitamins.

or attend dinners that he wished he could just stay

home instead.  God gave chuck a window of HOW fallen

the world  is.  he lived in the cesspool of hollow and

evil and dark the world really is.  and Jesus knew He

could count on chuck to change his world when he

was released.  and change the world he did!! 

 

years ago,

he would ask me to speak at different

prisons.  that experience of time and time again,

standing and looking into all the faces that Jesus

truly loved and gave His life for are moments i'll

always treasure.    i was much younger, and the all-male

prisoners would start trying to distract me because

they didn't see women very often.  but my message

was pure.   i knew God's love was real; His salvation

able to cleanse  any and all.  i didn't smile.  i was

simple..  one woman with a giant God and the BLood

of Jesus that can deliver ANY and all.  and each time,

Jesus would quietly slip into the large rooms.  and it was

as if i could physically see Him touching one...and another...

and another.

 

of all the Christian leaders in the world, there was

NONE who encouraged me more.  who was ALWAYS

a faithful friend..  and utterly believed in me.  always.

and when he spoke publicly, i was spell-bound.  a servant

after God's own heart.  chuck colson....i am REALLY going to

miss you.  and i know that the millions you have impacted

will continue with his message and love.

  

redeem.

phones are beautiful, hand-designed

little gadgets that you can carry in the palm of

your hand.  or stick in your jean's pocket.

in california, we are not allowed to talk while

driving.

 

i was just beginning to punch the button and

call jan quickly when i saw the officer, across the

street, and i was messed up bad!! $300 for the ticket.

i'm still paying $25 a month on it. sighhh.

 

forgive me for whining yesterday.

i found a LITTLE, old telephone in a drawer,

and all it does is dial-out numbers, or pick up

calls.  i just have to have phone numbers close by.

 

so....

i've been thinking

HOW much we miss things when

we lose them.  we jump out of beds.

run down the side-walk.  pick up our cell phones.

all the time, really not noticing how blessed we are.

in fact, i don't think ANY of us TRULY appreciated things

enough until we lose them.

 

it's time for ANOTHER mammogram?

another physical?  i what?!!! can't play in this

inning because i just got a little bruise on my

arm?  yes, whining and lazily frowning because we

can't do what this morning seemed so normal.

 

my husband used to say, and i don't think

it was original with him, but it impacted me:

if we lost EVERYTHING we have today, and suddenly,

tomorrow, get everything back,  wouldn't we enjoy

and be so much more grateful than we are today?!!!

 

when i can't find something,

i always start thanking God because He can see

EVERYTHING.   every rain drop.  every grain of sand.  and...

whatever it is that i feel certain i need.  though i didn't

think much about it a few minutes ago.

 

every swaying willow.

the sun soaking into our skin as if

it belongs there.  the tide rolling in, and

out.  a cool breeze.  when we REALLY need one.

to look into the faces of those we love, and always blown away

by all the beauty and magnificent  hearts they possess.

 

my children are such good sports.  they allow me to

write about all their struggles, rather than tell you about

all their achievements because they,too, have learned that

is what helps them and others.

 

be GLAD!

grab a hand here...and another behind you.

kick up your feet. dance. laugh hard, eyes shining

because life really is such a magnificent adventure.

and today, i join you in standing tall. looking everywhere and

letting your joy show.  let it roll around on your face. make happy

sillouettes against the back-drop of a clear sky or pouting, dark clouds.

 

remember

that tomorrow........or this afternoon....

what we just expect...and enjoy..might never

be there again.  but then,

also remember that even in the deserts of our hearts,

God promises we will laugh again.  that He will ALWAYS

raise beauty out of ashes even when we've forgotten to

thank Him for what He has done this very moment.

i love you,  ann

 

 

 

the battery on my cell-phone is gone.

i thought the battery was dead, and plugged it in

to charge.  suddenly, my friend looked inside and saw

there was no battery.

 

what does a battery cost?

i don't even know.

can't call brock to let him

know, FOR SURE, that i had not

forgotten his birthday.

 

i'm filled with anxiety, yet i remember that Jesus

says not to worry; He is Sovereign!!

that there is power in praise.  i know that God

can see exactly where that battery is. 

 

please pray.

i know jan is desperate to get

me, too.  she just had her foot operated

on.  it's not that i have no friends, but everyone is

out on this warm, lush spring day.,

 

back to isiah 53: 4-6

 

"surely He took up our infirmities,

and carried our sorrows.

yet we considered Him stricken by God,

smitten by Him and afflicted.

He was pierced for our transgressions,

He was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was laid

upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed.

 

we all, like sheep, have gone astray.

each of us has turned to his own way; and

the Lord has laid on Him the iniquitiy

of us all.

but He was pierced for our transgressions.

 

He was oppressed and afflicted,

yet He did not open His mouth;

He was led like a lamb to the slaughter,

and as a sheep before his shearer is silent

so He did not open His mouth." 

 

i'm not sure about you,

but these are some of the most beautifully-crafted

words i have ever read.  who...?  any? know someone

who lived out his life as has the Lamb of God??!!

i want to be like Him.

 

to sing a thousand songs for Him.

live a thousand lives for His glory.

march to the drum-roll with Him.   but,

i know, for sure, as a flawed human, that even

with all the gusto and choir music and nudging of my

fellow-warriors, i won't be able to.

 

this is the story

of the Divine.

of a crown of thorns on His head.

of a "heart of sorrow, acquainted with

grief."  so i bow my head.

and worship Him.

Christ, the Savior of the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

it's been a busy day.
full of unexpected complications.
but i know i am to praise God for His
sovereignty.

sunday night, i was drawn to isaiah 53.
find a Bible. dig for one. go to any church
close by and ASK if they will give you one.
call a friend. you HAVE to have a Bible to
capture, for me, the most moving, beautiful,
unveiling of Jesus and His life BEFORE He
was even born of mary.

look in the index of the Bible.
take your finger and rub it along the list of
books until you find isaiah. turn to the page
listed. please. you have to. you cannot miss this.
my favorite book in the entire Bible.

it haunts me. moves me to tears. the
superficiality is torn from the walls of my sometimes
wayward heart. oh, the world has it all wrong. the
Christian arena is, itself, falling prey to the luscious lies
of secularism, and we don't even seem to notice. so subtle
are the ways we are pulled in.

i'm just going to quote a piece of it today. more later.
Isaiah 53:2-3:

"He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like the root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him.
nothing in His appearance that we
should desire Him.
He was despised and rejected by men.
a man of sorrow and familiar with suffering.
like one from whom men hide their faces.
He was despised, and we esteemed Him not."

everything the world celebrates ... and most Christians, too,
is for us to look as beautiful as we can. do what it means,
by all costs, to be accepted and loved. the very thought
of being despised horrifies us.

but Jesus accepted a rejection that none of us
can imagine. lived with suffering and sorrow.
we RUN...no, we race from such things befalling
us. we protect ourselves and our children at all
costs.

"a tender shoot...
and a root out of dry ground...."

glory! glory!
hallelujah for the Lamb.

thank you for all the touching comments.
for standing with me. travelling this road.
running next to the THE Runner. flow, grace, flow.
purge us of worldly views. cover world, cover.
that our hearts will not be diverted from the scrubbed-
clean beauty of the Savior of the world.

i sinned yesterday.

and probably will before today is over.

my friend arises very early to pray, and....

first, she praises God.  then confesses yesterday's sins.

 

so here i am.  confessing to you that

i seem to keep sinning in word, thought, or deed.

over and over and over.

i run to Jesus.  i don't usually

wait until tomorrow morning.

so anxious to be back in perfect

communion with the Lord.

 

there were many things i had to accomplish

yesterday.  the bank.  the dry cleaners (mainly to hug

my korean friend). getting my hair high-lighted.  do another

blog, etc.  my friend, who is a pill addict, kept calling me

and totally forgetting that she had done it ten minutes ago.

and would start talking nonsense that i couldn't even understand.

finally, i lost it.

 

"what  have you taken?

i hate when we can't really talk.

i never know if you are going to be

on or off re: your pills.  you can sound

so good and energized and normal for two or

three days, and then, out of nowhere, you crash

back into the flooded confusions, and i,

somehow, crash with you."

 

"and  i get so frustrated!!"

 

then, God started reminding me of ALL the times,

when i was using, and didn't make sense, i'm sure,

to others who called me.  and ended up so frustrated

over me.  i'm amazed friends stuck with me.  where was

my humility and compassion?!

 

i call my friend, and i humbly ask her to forgive me.

confessing my own failures in the past when my addiction

was in full-swing.  i tell my friend HOW much i love her.

and we start mending the bridge where it has been

compromised between us.  over and over and over again.

 

confession is good for the soul, Jesus says.

if God brings something to mind, you, too, can run

and make peace.  the sun will shine again. the

choirs will start singing.  you will hear the swell

of voices who have also been delivered again and

again and again. 

 

yesterday, i sinned.

please, Lord, make my heart right

with You.

 

it comes as a whisper.

a very quiet urging.  a calling.

relentless with love.  just think of

how beautiful it is to live with relentless love

from Jesus.  moving through.  always travelling with

us. that whispering. 

 

"come, follow Me..."

"count the cost...."

"love Me more than your father or your mother.

 more than anything."

"there's room at the Cross.."

"confess your sins..."

"no one is without sin....no one."

"when you do it to the least of these...."

"do not despise this small beginning..."

"trust Me with alll your heart..."

"fear not...."

"all things work for good..."

"He is faithful..."

 

THE BIBLE

 

i read a man's words:

"i'd rather be a doorkeeper....at the House of God..."

to put someone's hand on the latch that opens the

door for Jesus to come in.

 

there's the little, petite dry cleaning lady who speaks in

halting english.  she's korean i think.  hugs me....

"i am so happy when you come...so happy...."

can she understand my English?  is she buddhist?

i just keep loving her.  asking God to show me how to

help her open the door.  i kiss her each time.

 

my son's best friend's mother in dallas.

i gave her "Jesus Calling".  she reads with her

coffee every morning.  when she started, she sold

two cars that day.  two cars the next day.  and two the day after.

Jesus is whispering.  patiently, quieting knocking.

 

i love my world.  i love those around me.  i want them to

know Jesus, too.  i'm dreaming.  believing.  listening.  watching.

are you?  are you seeking the lost?  are you smiling..such a small,

simple gesture.  such a burst of love for someone.  grabbing

someone's hand.  squeezing it.  throwing your arms around someone.

seeing they are troubled.  saying, "i know it is going to be okay.  whatever

it is, it is going to be okay...."

 

let's keep running with Jesus.  holding on to every thread of hope

we can.  trusting.  bowing.  yearning.  more of Jesus.  more of Jesus.

this is our earnest plea.

before i finish my thoughts on taylor, i wanted

to remind us all that we will ALWAYS fall short

of the "glory of God." Jesus says that no one,

not even one of us on this earth, is righteous.

that no one has done good.  not a man on earth

who does not sin.

 

this should humble the self-righteous, and encourage

those who feel they fall way short of God's goodness.

as parents or students or business employed or

even queens and kings are of any good except through

the love and compassion of God.  and yes, of course,

the Blood.  Christ's Blood that spilled from Him into

every crevice and wound and sin...and continues to

this very day. 

 

"covered by the Blood, we are covered

by the Blood..our sins are all covered by the Blood..

our iniquities so vast have been blotted out at last...

our sins are ALL covered by the Blood."  (old gospel hymn) 

 

taylor:

 

i see so much of taylor's birth mom in him. all the

best pieces.  when he was old-enough to understand,

and met his birth mom (she had been with him often

as he grew), i believe for the first time, taylor understood

himself.  it was a precious moment for me.  like robin, he

is quiet.  definitely not a show-off.  tentative.  and i've learned

that he is always way down the road from me in my thinking.

always!

 

taylor bites his nails.  have you noticed all the first-born people

around you who bite their nails?  i have.  it makes perfect

sense to me.  back to the pressure and expectation we tend

to place on our first-borns because we are ignorant and foolish

and proud.  at least that is true of will and me.

 

when he was a newborn, i would lay him on my bed,

and read the Bible out-loud to him.  somehow, i felt that if

i could just plant the seeds of God's vast love into taylor's

tiny, little being that he would ALWAYS feel the gentle love

of God.

 

what taylor is today is completely different than what he was

as a little boy.  or even as a teenager.  he's developed a voice.

where he is confident and free to talk and express and teach and

be funny.  when he was applying for a scholarship back east, he

had to write an essay.  he spent hours on this essay while i just

paced and prayed.  he was scientific and mathematical and never

believed at that time that he could write.  however, i had seen his

school work and i knew it was in him.  finally, after midnight, he

came in and asked me what i thought he had chosen to write

about.  i called it right, and he immediately handed me  his

masterpiece.  i still have it.

 

eventually, taylor walked away from full scholarships to several

schools.  moved to san diego (with brock at his side), and spent

several months trying to get a job.  it was not easy, but he finally

was hired by a publishing company, and was in charge of all

those at computers.  the bosses had him host the big guys from

the east when they came west, and taylor got the idea to send a

letter about himself and the company; a fun thing.  clever.  every

couple of months.  when he learned that he could do life, he applied and....

 

he was accepted into cal.state univ. monterey bay.  the school he

really wanted to go to.  in the middle of this journey, he changed his

major from marine biology to film.  with his specialty in editing.

he has a full-time job at a film company in monterey, and goes to

school full-time.  like my other three sons, he has moments of

doubt about himself, but inspite of will's and my faults, he grew

up to be a lion.  bold and strong.  it took  losses and some

pain for taylor to sort out the pieces of himself, but he and God

did it. 

 

i spent many, many, many hours holding and cuddling my sons.

i kissed them and celebrated them and to this day, lie flat on my

face by my bed, and cry out to God for them.  we rode bikes together

and played in made-up forts in the back yard and collected pets and i

baked more sweet things than i did good, pure nourishment.

 

don't be hard on yourselves as parents.

remember: no one is good.  no one is without sin.

not a single man or woman on this earth.  we do the best

we can as parents, and we always remember that unconditional

LOVE is all there is and all there was and all there will ever be. and

tied onto that is truth. pure and unsullied and holy.  amen.  amen.