ann kiemel

sunday.
clean and crisp and shining.
just the way i long to be for Jesus every day.

church...and out to lunch with
a girlfriend. including hot-fudge sundaes.
we both need calories. smile.

please know...yes. yes. yes. yes.
i read EVERY comment on blog and facebooks.
and they are like best homemade soup spoon-fed
to me. until every anxiety in me is quieted. all the
restless yearnings over my children's well-beings and
life in general are soothed and quieted. you tell me
that somehow...in some unbelieveable, beyond-grasp
way ...that my life counts. that you love me. that inspite
of all my flaws and messy pieces, God truly raises beauty.
truly, you must know that i cannot connect all this in my
brain, but i just keep embracing your kindness like a
starving beggar. and writing these feeble blogs in blind
faith in God's power. and i love you and smile and get
teary-eyed and blessed. please know. just know HOW
much i love you all and lap up every word.

on february 20, focus on the family is going to play an
OLD speech of mine that jim dobson used to use once
in awhile, on air. trust me, i will NOT be listening. nor
have i ever listened to this tape. it would horrify me. but
i thought you might like to know. once, i keynoted mary kay's
(mary kay's cosmetics)internationalconvention in dallas. at
least 25,000 women were in the audience looking at mary kay
as if she were literally a visiting angel. just before i spoke, she
whispered to me that she had listened to some speech of mine
269 times. i could barely make it to center stage to speak.
it was overwhelming.

i flew home.
asked my secretary if she could find a tape
of that speech mary kay had mentioned. all i could
think was that God must have really annointed me,
wherever i was. handing me the tape, i headed to my
car. the only place i could play it. excitement in my
heart, i turned on the car and pushed the tape in.

maybe it was a minute.
but i am positive it was NOT longer
that i listened to that speech. i sounded as if
i was five years old. everything i said seemed such
silliness. so horribly executed. punching the tape out,
i sat in my car and wept. God really does look for weakness
to raise His beauty through. our service for Him, whatever that
is, has nothing to do with us except we say "yes, Lord" to whatever
He asks. He takes our "yes'es", and blows His breath into
the cracked, ugly pot of our huge inadequacies, and touches
people around us.

never believe the lie that it is you that
is such a gift. your talent. your power and might.
Jesus says we are to glory in one thing only: that we
know Him. that He is Lord. we are His.

the devil is brilliant at beating us up.
breaking our bones of courage and grace.
twisting our stomachs into knots. putting
a taste of bitterness in our hearts. reminding
us of all the offenses against us. oh, he's
clever and nasty. he succeeds with me..somewhere..
every day.

this morning,
i flew out of bed (usually crawl out).
i got on the rug. flat on my face with my arms
stretched as far out as possible. pajamas on and
hair uncombed and a quiet rumble of anxiety coming
from somewhere inside me.

"oh, Jesus, i'm YOUR job.
i am too hard for me.
crying out, Lord. crying out.
YOU are the ONLY One who can
deliver me. my only Hope."

maybe we should all start the
day just like this. humbled before
God. begging for His covering.