"God's voice is glorious in

the thunder.  we can't even imagine

the thrill of His power."  job 37:5

tonight, my hope is built

on Jesus.  jan has pneumonia.

one of my sons is broke

i got a letter from the irs.

tonight  is celebrate recovery.

last  week, i couldn't even raise

my head.   the entire time i

shared, i said things like,

"I don't want to be here. i don't

like it. I don't want to go on

living."

that night i thought i'd lost

jan....and didn't  want to go on.

these words are so grim, i know.

my foot?!!!!  what am i going  to

do?!  orthopedists and a podiatrist

think so differently.  i'm terrified.

God says:

"count yourself lucky.

how happy you must be.

you get a fresh start.

your slate's wiped clean."  psalm  32

there are days 

when some of us

just walk.  

one foot in front of the

other.  one moment at a time.

the rains come

and the storms pummel

us.   all we need is the hem

of Jesus...and the refusal to

stop.  that's what you do

in a race .

run!

don't look back.

KNOW the God of the

universe has NEVER failed.

trust me, i'm right beside you.

thank you again for all your

comments. each one. i trace

the love and

beauty of your words....

and tuck them in my heart 

forever.

the sunday message

was delivered by a pastor

from israel.  "do you REALLY

want to change?"

there are prayers that scare me.

"Jesus, humble me."

"Lord, change, at any cost,

what doesn't please You in me."

"Jesus, take away or put into

 my life anything You desire."

i went forward at close of

service.  "don't return to your

seats until you know God has

changed  you."

"bless the Lord, oh, my soul...

oh my soul. worship

His Holy Name. sing like

never before, oh my soul.

i'll worship His Holy Name."

10 000 reasons

just ask Jesus today

if there is anything He wants to

change in you to make you

a more true warrior for Him

let's be bold.

all of us.

and see

what  kind of

army Jesus has in 

mind.

may this be the start

of a life-changing week

for all of us.

"Jesus is all the world to me.

my life. my joy. my all.

He is my friend from

day to day...without Him i

would fall...."

i just called jan to say

"good night".  a week ago

today, a medical team of 12

were trying to resuscitate her,

and get the large pieces of

meat out of her lungs.

crying out to the Warrior

Divine...and then to you,

all the soldiers of the Cross

who run this glorious, difficult.

Race with me.  you were armed

and ready...and your praying

was heard by the master

Redeemer.  there is no question,

with my family that YOUR

prayers were the key.

i took my friend, sarah, to

chevron tonight.  a celebra-

tion for one more week with jan.

it was a little humorous, we

combed the aisles.  two sodas.

the bakery shelf  for little,

crumb donuts....and  an ice

cream bar.  when i' m with

someone who loves and

trusts me,  i know God

 has stitched the world

together perfectly.  it can

be very lonely when the world

is closing in....and  you truly

feel all by yourself.  BUT....

if you are in a big, overwhelming

struggle, and you don't know what 

to do, be silent. still. Jesus

is whispering,  "but I do!"

He always has the answers.

please  never forget. life is unbearable without this  truth.

for all
whose prayers
seem to be hanging in the
wind.  for every one who has
a rebellious, lost child...or
one who hasn't been delivered
of some level of disability.   for
the marriages that are cracked
at the seams and so hurtful......

"take a good look at my Servant.
I've bathed Him with My Spirit, My
life. He'll set everything right.
He won't brush aside the bruised
and the hurt...and He won't
disregard the small and insignificant. He'll steadily
and firmly set things right.."
isaiah 42

God did these incredible
miracles for jan....yet i can tell
you i have almost felt hell
hanging on my back since.
life has turned upside down
in so many areas. the enemy
is a smooth one. great victories
often followed by bent inequalities.

"we need a Savior.
we need an Anchor.
be very sure. be very sure.
your Anchor holds...
and grips the Solid Rock."

ourRock?
Jesus.
the ONLY One.

much to say.
to share.
lost yesterday's
blog.
let's continue
to pray for one
another.
for the sun to rise..
and warm our faces and
broken spirits....and take
every wound. laying
them on the ground.
allowing the heat of God's
compassion to burn off
every piece still twisted
by anger or fear or sadness.

all my love to each
of you today.
ann

.

what is that quote...

"victory is won on the mountain,

but realized in  the valley."

today,

jan had two visiting 

physicians.  both had been

in emergency when they brought

her in. unconscious. not breathing.

each wanted to meet the woman

who had miraculously beaten the

odds and lived. with no brain damage.  the same night, they had

lost a thirty - yr. old under the same

circumstances.  one spared. one

taken.

for me,

one difference.

jan had an army of warriors.  YOU!!!

prepared.  faithful. on call.  and

tonight, jan's nurse lined up chairs

along the wall with plenty of' pillows

and blankets, and i'm keeping vigil

by her bed. hopefully, i don't fall off

my 13"-wide bed.

this morning,

i was so overcome

by God's vast array

of grace and goodness...

by your battle readiness.

still shaken by what we thought

the worst could be...

that i cried out to Jesus.

to change me forever.

my friend and i planted

geraniums...and i made some

fresh vows to never be a petty

person any more....and to give

my life away for the poor and

broken in ways not done before.

"let the beauty of Jesus.be seen in me...

all His wonderful passion

and purity. oh, Thou Spirit divine,

fill this being of mine...'til the beauty

of Jesus be seen in me."

thank you.

everyone.

for all your prayers

and concern.

there was no make-up on 

today,  tears streaked my

face...and my nose ran.

abounding gratitude.

"hallelujah! hallelujah! hallelujah!

He is higher than we ever

could imagine...and closer

than our eyes could ever see...

He is magnificent....He alone

is holy...no one else as glorious

as He...."  10,000 reasons

jan is off the ventilator.

no brain damage.

they were able to suck

out all the food in her lungs.

one of you wrote:  warriors

enlisted.  praying.  oh, fellow

warriors, because of you, i

have seen a miracle.

it's 5am.

i'm still crying.

i sat on the edge of Jan's bed

in icu.  i read her every one of

your comments.  speaking your

names as i went. tears rolling

down my cheeks.

tom and i headed to the

hospital.  sobered with every

terror possible bubbling in our

thoughts.  jan. our jan.  a complete

vegetable?  i refused to cry.

reserving all emotion; gathering

strength to hold me upright in

prospect of the worst.

so many of you have heard

the worst.  lived through the

darkest.  please never believe

my struggles are more significant than

yours.   my black shadows

only draw me closer to you.

you must all know 

that jan and i have had our

petty struggles. our insecurities. with each other.

but everything in my life

was forever changed july 20-21.

whatever jan wants,

i want.  whatever she thinks,

i want to listen.  the hurtful

moments will always carry a

different hue of meaning.  to

see her on the ventilator,  her

face swollen and bruised.  i

am forever transformed by

the wonderful grace of Jesus.

her first words off the

ventilator were:

"lordy. lordy...i have to go

home today."  smile.

thank you.

every one.

beyond words.

"...may you have strength

to comprehend with all the

saints...what is the

breadth and length and height

and depth..

and to know the love of Christ

that surpasses knowledge..

that you may be filled with

all the fullness of God..."ephesians 3

we are not empty.

not alone.

ever.

thanks, warriors.

enlisted and ready.

thank you so!!!!

a piece of meat lodged

in jan's throat. unconscious

for 7-10 minutes while tom

raced her to closest hospital.

food in lungs.

possible brain damage.

weeping. jan in icu. i was out

of town.  so scared. darkest

moment of my life.  10-12 minutes to

resuscitate her. ventilator.

the massive unknowns.

called my neighbor. her

husband is out of town.

we crawled in bed.  i held her

hand.  snuggled close.

children of  the Great I Am.   

how much better? cling to Him.

just running. weeping. trying to

keep the praise going.

fell flat on face. guest bedroom.

praising Him. my spirit dancing.
victory is my war cry. 
victory is my song.
please keep

praying. so gratefully. love, ann

oh, the beauty and comfort

of your words.  your prayers

for jan and me.  such kindness.

please forgive me for not

blogging.  two days after jan's

diagnosis, my orthopedist said

i have to have surgery on my

left foot...or the pain will never

go away.

and maybe i will never

be able to run again.

big, ugly, cruel words

splashed across the core

of my running passion.  i 

think you have to be a runner

to really grasp this.

but God can pick up shattered

glass and glue it back together.

He has given water when we are

thirsty and bread when we are

hungry.  Living Bread.  He never

allows a bruised reed to break.

and when i punched my window

down today...and stuck a $10 bill

in a  begger's hand, i truly saw

the face of God.  yes! i did.  the

very reason Jesus died was

for this man. and i shared Jesus

with Him.  a glorious thing!!!

"You are my Hiding Place.

You always fill my life with

songs of  deliverance whenever

i am afraid...i will trust in You...

"i will trust in You..

let the weak say i am strong

in the strength of the Lord."

so.

please know.

wherever your wounds are,

there stands the Savior.

and without sorrow,

i would not be kind and tender,

but blind and empty and insensitive.

i will always be running

the Race.  and always reaching

out my hand for yours. after

all, we are warriors for the Savior

of the universe.

roll around 

in the comfort

of His big, soft lap.

and may we all remember

God is ENOUGH.

always.

jan invited me

to join her and tom
when they went in today to
see the oncologist.

she is no longer in remission.
her numbers are high, and
they are starting her on a
potent medicine daily. also,
the doctor didn't realize jan had
an identical twin sister. they
can use me, if needed, for a second
bone marrow transplant.

tom returned to his executive
office, and i drove jan and me
home. we crawled into bed,
side by side, for the rest of
the day. shell-shocked.
holding hands. crying ourselves
to sleep.

"energize the limp hands.
strengthen the rubbery knees.
tell feaful souls,
"courage! take heart!
God is here, right here,
on His way to put things right.
and redress all wrongs.
He's on His way! He'll save
you." isaiah 35

jan and i have always
been together. shared
the womb and since.
please pray for our family.
especially jan. i dearly
love you all.

tomorrow,

jan goes to her oncologist

to find out if she is still in

remission.

last night,

taylor and i flew back

to sacramento from pennsylvania.

saying good-bye to my children.

and my grandbaby.  a pure treasure!

tonight,

i'm trying to not be fearful

about jan.  to not be sad that

my happy days back east are

over for now.  or downcast

that taylor boards amtrak early

in the morning for monterey.

he and tony have two bookcovers

to complete.  deadline due.

colson called.

"mom, i've had a lot of hardship,

but what would i have to offer

others if my life had been easy?"

oh,  i pray i can wear shoes

again instead of flip-flops.  and 

that debby has re-entered her

world with peace.

isn't life a journey?  a constant

adjusting to the

highs and lows. the bumps

and skids handed to us.  often

every day.

jan is known for ordering

things off t.v..  last  night,

when taylor and I arrived from

the airport (tom and jan were

in san francisco

with their sons), I saw an un-

opened box with "tummy tuck"

on it.

"oh, ann, it was one of those

crazy ideas.  you wear it so many

hours a day, and it slowly

melts your fat away.  i thought it

would be good for tom, but  began to realize it could hurt

his feelings. i'm sending it back.."

tom and taylor and i laughed

hard. tom is the best-looking

executive anywhere.

it was the laugh we all needed.

and then...

"His yoke  is easy, His burden

is light.  i've found it so...i've

found it so.  He leadeth me by

day and by night...where

healing waters flow."

time to get back in my

groove. you know the hardest

moment every day is opening

my eyes each morning.  i'm so

NOT a morning person.   yet, 

for many years,i flew out of bed.

pulled on work-out clothes....and

did a 10-20 mile run.

take time to walk in his Word.

to form quiet moments where

you can hear God. the road map

is always different.

and  tell it to  Jesus .

"He is a friend that's well known.

there's no other such a friend

and brother. tell it to Jesus

alone."

how i love each of you.

you are warriors with me.

all for Jesus. 

there are few things i enjoy

more than having my children

call to talk...

fifty minutes ago,

brock called...my second oldest.

besides working for bank of

america, which bores him almost

to tears, he plays bass in a band.

he sees the right band, always,

with one thought:  this could be

the bridge to broken people.

he eats and drinks the dream. yearns for the reality,  

and we've spoken hours ....

talked miracles...of this longing

in his heart.

taylor and i are still in pennsylvania.

what great  hours.  i knew it

would go too fast.  colben says,

"grandma should sit here by me."

taylor has carried him everywhere.

walked the dog since brandt worked

today.  drives the rental.  changed

diapers.

then, colson called.

how much he loved us.

"mom, i'm really sick.

something doesn't feel

right."'

what is the hardest, most

important job...the most difficult

assignment of my life?!

motherhood. parenting.

out of the blue, Debby...said, "let's

do a little shopping."   something

i rarely do for myself."

let's do our best

everyday

to make life...

more beautiful....

to smile easily.....

and lift each others' burdens.

especially those in our

families.  sometimes the hardest to

help.

jasmine

brandt and jasmine

colben

no time to detail the blessing

and love and commaraderie

of our time with brandt and

jasmine and

colben....

and debby and taylor and me.

wonderful!!!

enclosed are pics of memories.

please pray..and somehow

catch the fun. much love,  ann

brandt and jasmine

colben and taylor

colben and taylor

jasmine

taylor and debby

long flights to

pennsylvania.

after 2 a.m.

thinking of all your

prayers.  your investment

of love toward my son and

daughter-in-law and

grandbaby.  how i love you

all, and thank you.  for caring.

believing.  being an integral

part of our little family.  thank

you, debra, for letting brandt

stay with you until an apartment

was found....and jasmine and

the baby made it here.

isn't Jesus wonderful?!!

"He's higher than we ever

could imagine...and closer than

our eyes can ever see...magnificent!

He alone is holy..."

10, 000 reasons

this isn't much of a blog.

but i wanted to send my

gratitude.  i wanted to glorify

Jesus.  that Jesus helped me

make this trip .....injured foot

and all. this is a gift, and i'm

so grateful.

yesterday, i stopped by to see

my little, korean friend, veronica.

she kissed the cross around my

neck.

"i wear this because i am a

Christian. what is your spiritual

belief,  veronica?"

she didn't seem to understand,

but threw her arms around me,

kissing me.

"oh, ann, i'll love you forever!"

i believe for my neighbor.

"I will not doubt though all my

ships come sailing home with

broken masts and sails..."

because Jesus is.

because nothing can stop His love.

because we are all so broken,

and He is our only, true Deliverer.

tomorrow,

taylor (who could fit his job

around this) and i are getting

to fly to pennsylvania to

see brandt and jasmine and

colben.  yeahhhhh!!!

to see the firehouse. their

new  apartment.  oh, to wrap

colben in my arms...and kiss

and tickle him until he giggles.

i've missed him (all of them)

so much.  because of my left

foot, i really need taylor to help

me on the long, cross-country

flights.

of course, i'll be wearing one

of those fancy, walking boots

(sigh).  i hope you don't judge

me for not being pushed in a

wheel chair through airports.

i think i'm just not spiritually

humble enough.  a sense of anxiety

begins to rise in my throat just

thinking about it.  today, how i

respect all who are wheel-chair

bound.

my friend, debby, is coming, too.

she found a specialist....foot, 

ankle...and i'm taking the catscan.

another opinion before another

surgery.

we all so need to have something

to look forward to.  there are many

moments of desolation in life.

mornings kill me.  the courage

to face a new day.  a darkness

that slips in between my shoulder

blades...and out the tips of my

fingers.   Jesus is my plea.

my only Hope.  

brock called.

"mom, i saw such a broken, sad

man today. i gave him $16, and

told him Jesus loved Him."

"darling, you couldn't tell me

anything that could touch me

more.  you are making a difference

for Jesus in a crushed world.

oh, brock, darling, i love you."

so...

my fellow friends and warriors...

press forward.   grab the hem

of Christ's garment and allow the

tenderness of His vast compassion

and love and deliverance sweep

away the enemy's lies.  words

that speak everything NOT true

and pure.

i stand beside you.

and will...until my last breath

on earth.  ann

"surprises"

"I will sprinkle clean water on

you, and you shall be clean."

ezekiel 36

new heart and spirit.

self-will abandoned.

just what i long for.

to be like Jesus.

the gal behind the front counter

at my beauty shop is darling.

when i was in saturday, i noticed

her nail polish. mentioned that

i loved it...no acrylics. just

polish on nail.

"ann, do you want me

to do your nails?"

she whispered that it was

so slow...saturday afternoon..and

she was bored.

she was carefully polishing.

"linda, do you have a personal

faith?  a spiritual relationship

with Jesus?"

"well, i was raised catholic, but

i don't go to church....."

an ordinary day.

started like all the rest.

a prayer first thing:

"Jesus, i am just ann.

one ordinary woman.

please give me someone

to love to You, today."

surprises!

i love them.

the pure, untarnished

moments when Jesus taps

you on the shoulder, and

reminds you this is one of

those moments for Him.

oh, it is the greatest stuff

in all my life.  loving and

serving Jesus.

be watching.

listening.

quiet enough to know

when God has set up the

perfect setting to share Him.

i so love you all.

thanks again for your loving

comments.  forgive me for

not responding personally

more often.  your words keep

me going.

july 4

july 4, in monterey.

breezy. hair-swept. the sun

dancing on the rippling, busy

waves among throngs of people.

taylor and i start out.

camera slung over one shoulder...

and with his other arm, taylor

hanging on to me.  pain meds

in my system so i can walk.

a photo shoot to achieve, and

rocks to climb over..and steps

to conquer. maneuvering through

wind and sun placement in the

sky and cars and bikes and

many smiling faces.

having to take this pain medication

is definitely not addiction, but

survival.  watching runners put

tears in my eyes.  i dream of

the day i can toss the pills,

and even just walk without

searing knife jabs.  at least we

finally know i'm not just a

"slow heal";  the bone just

never fused.

this is, as i've mentioned, for

the new cover of my book,

"seduced by success..".

deliverance. wholeness.  and

having my sweet, tall, lean

son.. fresh out of school with

his film degree...position me.

and study the sky. and smile

in whole-hearted support, while

snapping away.  how much

better can it get?!!

suddenly,

i was done.  enough.

we headed for the most

authentic, french bakery

and ordered a princess cake

with marzipan.  an almond croissant. two baby quiches,

and a raspberry pastry. cold

drinks. a cozy table.

we inhaled it all.

we both have that blessing

of calories somehow sliding

right out of our systems to

places far away and unknown.

my mother weighed 125 pounds

almost her entire life, and at

5'8", i'm even a little less.

BUT!!!! 

there are many other things

i don't have that i wish for. i

hope that before i die, someone

will discover a pill you can swallow

that instantly turns white skin

dark.  maybe not' til heaven.

i pray you had a blessed

fourth!  happy birthday, sara!

"i will tell of the kindnesses

of the Lord....yes, the many good

things He has done..."  isaiah 63

celebrate

Jesus

today!!!!!

"ann, and private photographer...taylor"

"words"

words.

the right ones,

spoken in kindness,

can make someone's day.

jan's husband got me to the

amtrak station at 5:45 this

morning.  because taylor is

doing this photo shoot for

national distribution  of

"seduced by success", i

had to bring various outfits.

i had my purse and a puma bag

over one shoulder..and a giant,

$1 marshall's bag stuffed with

special camera and tripod and

mucho clothes...in my right

hand.  waiting for a cart to take

me a mile away to my train,

a beautiful, black woman came

and waited next to me.

"oh, i love your top!" she said.

my eyes widened.  sparkling.

"thank you!" i replied.

"oh, and i love that braid

in your hair.  i'm a beautitcian, 

so i notice things like that!"

i'm not an early morning

person, and my bad foot

makes standing so painful.

but my heart nearly stopped.

one of my favorite missions

is to speak beauty to others,

and God had actually sent

a stranger to do that for me!

"my name is ann.  you know,

words are so  powerful.  they

can instantly change someone's

day...for good or for bad.  thank

you for such kind words.  i

didn't feel very special until

you spoke to me."

my eyes became liquid pools

of gratitude and joy.

"i'm on my way to my brother's

funeral in los angeles..."

"oh, that makes me sad.

was his death sudden?"

"he died of liver cancer."

her beautiful grandbaby was 

in her arms.  assuring her that

i would be praying...that i was

so thankful we had Jesus in

these moments of our lives...

i got on the cart, and was

whisked away.

the Bible says so much about

words.  one of my favorites is:

"a gentle word turns away wrath."

no matter what lovely things

we think about someone, they are

worthless unless we speak

them.  it is a free gift we can

give every day.  above all

others, speak beauty to your

children.

beautiful words.

wrap your children in them.

paint them across the sky.

speak them in the grocery store.

at the dry cleaners. to the

cashier at the bank.

all day,

i thought of those lovely

words spoken to me. i chewed

on them. rolled them around

in my brain.  snuggled into

the warmth they brought me.

and every single comment

you post to me is like glistening,

fresh rain on a brutally-hot day.

thank you so much for taking

time to speak love to me.

"i can see Jesus making miracles today"

i stood in the fenced-in

backyard...almost all my clothes

peeled off.  my dear friend...the

only one except jan who i'd trust

to be so exposed.  a can of tanning

spray in her hand.

tomorrow.

very early, i am climbing onto

amtrak for monterey.  taylor is

doing a photo shoot for "seduced

by success."

i'm so crazy in love

with my sons.  i just don't

get excited about cameras

focused on me.

taylor wants the blue sky and

california pacific ocean to somehow

carry the beauty of God's deliverance in my life.

white flowing something 

to wear. wind in my hair.

oh, i want to fly.

to gather the lonely

and broken.  to

promise that Jesus IS

the Deliverer.  

please pray for taylor these

few days.  for me.

it's fun....but i just want

Jesus to be glorified.

i can see Jesus 

making miracles.

let's start today.

"call unto Me..."

i drove to sacramento

last night.  tom insists i sleep

with jan when i visit.

at 2:10 a.m.,

i stumbled out of bed

for the bathroom.  smashed

my sore toes into a wall....

and got back in bed, holding

jan's hand.  moaning. pain

makes me a baby.

67 yr. old women...

snuggled. side by side.

like third graders. talking.

squeezing hands.

"oh, ann, this is like

childhood.   like forever."

sisters.

warriors.

runners focused on

the Race.

you. me.  driven....but

not too much so because

we must try and find all we can

who will grab our hands  and

run with us to the Eternal City.

"Jerusalem..Jerusalem....

lift up your hands and sing.

hosanna..in the highest...

hosanna  to the King!"

Jesus sent an angel along.

truly, a real one.

brock turned his apple

computer into a pawn shop for 

a week, to get money, and got

his car fixed..  taylor got an

extra day's work .  God's angel

dropped some cash into their

accounts.  completely stunning

us all.

"call unto Me and I will 

show you great and mighty

things you  know not...call

unto Me. "

"delight yourself in the Lord"

"delight yourself...in the Lord......

and He will give you the desires

of your heart.."

-colson texted that it sure got

hard being broke for a month.

-brock called and said his car

wouldn't start.

-taylor has a fantastic, part-time

job....well, two...but really needs

more income with college loans

to pay off..

i see people, every day, who are

the "hurt...the maimed..the poor.."

so...

what does "delight" mean?

i long for my children and me to

get it.  to be grateful for ALL we

have.   to celebrate the laughter

of a child.  the breeze against our

skin.  how beautiful it feels to

look up and see someone smiling

at us.  the feel of colben's hand

in mine.  oh, i miss that little boy.

delight!

even though my last

blog just disappeared off the

screen.  and a cat scan showed

that the bones that were fused

in my foot had not fused as they

were supposed to.  and though

the clouds turn dark and oceans

roar...and the earth shakes.

commit it all to Jesus..and

He will bring the needs and

desires to fulfillment.

"come to the water"

colson texted:

"being broke for a whole

month gets to you."   

the most important thing to

colson is his rent.  he's been

eating top ramen every day.

we were talking this afternoon,

and i was reminding him that

Jesus always comes through.

a very, very, very sweet angel

put money in his account.  unbe-

known to us. Jesus always,

somehow, in time, makes a way.

colson was craving a hot dog.

God took care of it.  i wept.

woohoooo for Jesus.

i plan to take amtrak to

monterey on tuesday.  taylor

is doing a photo shoot for the

cover of the reprint of  "seduced

by success."   last week,  his

partner, tony pinillos, took 98 different shots of me for

"i'm running to win."

taking my picture is one of

my least-favorite activities,

by the way.  i just suck it up

and pray; so much rather be out

changing the world for Jesus.

life really is NOT about us.

i only see me    

as a vessel...

and a very inept one at that.

today,  i accomplished almost

nothing.  saw so many co-dependent pieces about myself.

went to church, but somehow

lost my way in the middle of

the sermon.

i've earnestly prayed.. and

promised God i will do better

tomorrow.

here are some children i try

to invest in. struggling situations.

"and Jesus says...

come to the water.

stand by my side.

I know you felt every tear that I cried.... and I'm here to remind you

that for your tears I died-.."