early.

awakened

in night.  got jan

up. we ate klondike bars....

and cried.  oh, i don't want to

lose jan.  praying for jan's healing.

we get impatient with each

other, sometimes.  don't know

why.  it's friday again.  i am driving

home today....and jan's dear

friend is caring for her over the

weekend.  i hate to leave her.

"Jesus, Jesus...how i trust Thee.

how i've proved Thee o'er and o'er.

Jesus, Jesus...precious Jesus.

oh, for grace to trust Thee more."

brandt is three hours

later than west coast.

he called last night

from fire station.  such

a good talk.  i put it on speaker

phone so jan could enjoy.

i don't think there's a co-

dependant bone in jan's body.

me?  i'm always trying to keep

the world happy.  i think it's

the most difficult part of our

relationship.

i received probably the most

scathing comment of my career

a week ago.  that i pity myself.

that i feel sorry for myself.

do you celebrate

the glory of the risen Savior?

do you realize that we all have

blind spots?  do you long to be

more like Jesus?

i do.

oh, i do.

God's truth is marching

on.  and i've learned there is

a thread of truth in every

criticism.  must go.

may we pray for each other

today.  and march to victory.

brandt and colben

i saw the beauty of Jesus

today.  when a lovely lady

came to jan and me while

we were pumping gas.  she

had no money, but her eyes

were glistening.  when we spoke

the name of Jesus, the sky lit to

a clear, pure blue.  and we helped

her a little.

jan and i stopped at her

favorite little dress shop,

and we told the sales' clerk

that one could feel the warmth

of shining love when we reach

out and touch the fingertips

of God's vast grace .. 

and she said her heart yearned

for that.

i have been with jan

while tom and their son, nash,

are at a 60.2 mile race.  had

to call an ambulance for jan.

found out with latest catscan

that my bones did not fuse in

my foot so surgery is a must.....

BUT...

"bless the Lord,

oh, my soul,

and ALL that is within me....

bless His Holy Name...."

"He has done great things...

He has done great things...

He has done great things..

bless His holy Name.."

we have been eating

chocolate eclairs.  and

pinkleberry frozen yogurt.  and

lots of gummy bears.

"But Lord, be merciful to us, for we have waited for you. 

Be our strong arm each day and our salvation in times of trouble."
~ Isaiah 33:2, NLT ~ Isaiah 33:2, NLT

if we don't cut back on sugar,

mercy will be our war cry.  smile.

my fast, hurried, disjointed blog

yesterday was done with a good heart.

i so wanted to give you

something on a lazy, easy, saturday

morning that would inspire you

to pull on your running shoes of

life....and watch God surprise you

with answers to prayers, and glorious victories where you

needed them most.  

however, tom asked me to drive

him to the train station in sacramento..that would take him

into the city (san francisco)

where he would meet nash for

their flight to europe....and nash's

62-mile race in the alps. jan is

too ill to drive, and i'm taking

care of her some of this time.

so....

i was sitting on my bed.  still in

p.j.'s. writing almost as fast as

a jet breaking the sound barrier.

racing.  heart in earnest as i said....

but the outcome was tacky...and

hard to follow. please don't judge

me. i had the blog posted before

reviewing it.  dashed to my car

in my p.j.'s. drove almost an hour

to tom and jan. and made it to

the train station in time.

it is dark outside.  jan's asleep.

and i had to find this blog (yesterday's) because i instinctually

felt it wouldn't be worthy of God's

assignment.

i'm too sleepy to give you

what i want to share, but i will.

bottom line, the Race is all

about love.  God's beautiful heart

living in us.

today is the Sabbath for most

of us.  enjoy Jesus. lay your

burdens down.  sing and clap

and raise your hands in praise.

let's celebrate the easy and difficult,

knowing God is using it all to

build us in the faith...and help us run this glorious, difficult Race 

so that Jesus will be glorified,

and we'll cross the finish line

to the glorious City.

until later.

asking forgiveness.

i love you.

today,

i go to jan's

until her friend

flies in from cleveland.

tom is travelling with nash

to europe, where nash has

trained hard for a 50-mile

race in the alps. tom is the one

who planted the running bug

in all of us.  i'm praying for

nash (a gruelling feat).

august  30.

some people are created to run

long distances; others, sprints.

if we have knee problems, we

usually must drop out of at least

long-distance pursuits.

following Jesus is so much like

running the races.   it is never

a part-time effort.  it takes constant

focus and dedication.  we fall.

get lost now and then.  get pushed

and shoved.  hurt. sometimes,

there are injuries along the way.

but Jesus calls us...

to run and win.

to hold onto His joy even

when the wind and rain

are beating us..and pushing us

around.  to trust Him even when

someone pushes us off the

path when we get distracted.

fellow warriors,

keep your eyes on the course.

when it's extra rough, cry out

to Jesus. the Author and Finisher

of our Race.  always stop, if you must, to help a brother or sister.

in difficulty.  we are never to

focus attention on ourselves.

our faces toward the Son. the

breeze and sweet aroma of His Presence is what keeps drawing

us.  what is our joy.

.

when we fall,

we must get up.

keep the rhythm.

shut the noise

of dissenters out.

sing.

what a choir.

everyone running toward

the goal in Christ Jesus.

don't allow mud and rocks

to defeat you.

when we've finished our

course...and see Jesus face to

face...all our trials will be over.

Victory to the One who Is

and was and will forever be...

our Song and Hope.

no more sorrow. no more crying.

in the sweet by and by.

just you and me and Jesus.

our children who left us early

in our arms. friendships rejoined.

i'm thinking of

each of you today...

praying for you.

"it will be worth it all when

we see Jesus..."

the beautiful, little family i've been with a lot...

trying to assist the ill

mother of six...

invited me to dinner

tonight.  yummm.

steak on the grill. watermelon.

real mashed potatoes. zucchini

and portobello mushrooms.  it

was really lovely. at 9:30p.m.,

as i drove home, a light

flashed on the dashboard.

something about checking tire

pressure.  what if a tire flattened

on a dark country road?  i was

alone. one gas station a road over.

Jesus is so magnificent.

opening doors for me to share

Him.  on days when i need and

i yearn to speak His Name.

"Jesus, please give me the

perfect person to help me."

a young guy is pumping gas.

big truck.  "sir, can you help me?"

another guy walks by.

"hey...can you go in and tell them

to turn the air on?"

he gets behind my wheel.

backs the car to the air pump.

pulls out a little flashlight.  grabs

the gauge. pumps perfect level of air in.   

two back tires.  job done.

for him, as easy as breathing. for

me, it might as well have been

russian.

"hey! i don't know if you know

Jesus, but i  love Him. i count on

Him. when i drove in, i simply asked

Him to give me someone to help."

"and nate, Jesus hand-picked

YOU.  here's a little cash...and thanks.

remember! God LOVES you! " his

smile is wide.  my eyes are shining.

it's all about that Name.

dance with me.

listen to the choir and the birds

in the trees and the oceans roar

as the tireless Lord of the

universe goes about His glorious

duties of the day.

and as we,

inspite of setbacks and hardships,

respond to Him.  singing our hymns

and watching...waiting....for every

moment Jesus gives us to speak

love and show mercy.   there is

a River...that never shall run dry.

come, Jesus, come..

run, River, run.

"the lines have fallen to me in

pleasant places; yes, i have a

good inheritance."  psalm 16

it's been one of those

days that doesn't fit.  where

i knew i was an inconvenient

traveller.

i had my catscan on cd  to

deliver to my orthopedic surgeon.

on time. almost there when i

suddenly became filled with

anxiety, and pulled into a gas

station...to use the restroom.

instantly, there was a swoosh....

and diarrhea poured out of me.

the bathroom was only for

personnel.  i stood there..white

pants...in disbelief and utter

humiliation.  the salvation army

was across the street.  the

place where some angels reside.

crying, a woman led me to a

bathroom.

missed my dr.'s appointment..

went to Jan's to strip and wash,

but she was busy on the phone...

and i was in the way. an inconvenience.

"Jesus says, and we know that all things work together for good...

to those who love God and are

called according to His purpose."

romans 8:28

i know this is alittle raw to talk

about.  to have the entire market

stand around, staring at me....

and i can't move.   but..

if Jesus tells us it all works

for His good, then we must

believe.  even on crooked,

lopsided, seemingly misplaced

days we never want to remember.

we must just take life as it comes.

trust God and move on.

"all to Jesus, i surrender.

all to Him, i freely give.

i will ever love and trust Him...

in His Presence daily live....

"i surrender all ..

i surrender all. all to Thee,

my blessed Savior.  i surrender

all."

"Lord, i give up all my own plans

and purposes; all my desires and

hopes, and accept Thy will for

my life.  i give myself, my time, my

all utterly to Thee to be thine forever.

fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. 

use me as Thou wilt.  send

me where Thou wilt.  WORK OUT

THY WHOLE WILL IN MY LI FE

AT ANY COST, now and forever."

betty scott stam, missionary

with God's help,

i surrender my life to Him.

my feet and His answer for their

healing.

i surrender my children, who are

His magnificent gifts to me. they

are my life.  my dreams come true.

oh, may they always know how

much Jesus loves them.  that they

are shaped for greatness in

His Kingdom.

i surrender jan, and her cancer.

i praise You, Lord, for all the victories these past six years.

and praise you for what the future

holds. i can surrender because

You are a trustworthy God.

because of Your awesome power,

i surrender my neighbors to You.

every potential opportunity to

love them to You.

and

i surrender

my comrades...

my fellow warriors...to the Race

we must run.  to the mountains

looming ahead and the sorrows

You may ask us to walk through.

"glory, glory hallelujah..

His truth is marching on!!!!"

there's a sunrise for you

this Sabbath weekend.

watch for it.  i love you!!!   ann

colben

my friend, kat, sent

me these beautiful verses:

"open your mouth and taste.

open your eyes and see...HOW

good God is.  blessed are you

who run to Him...

"worship God if you want

the best; worship open doors

to all His goodness."

psalm 34:7-9  the message

what a day!

brock called on his way home

from work...and i had a scattered

brain. had had a catscan

and physical therapy before

i see the surgeon on monday. my

friend was in the emergency room

at lodi memorial.  i, in the grocery

store.

an empty conversation

with my son.  it broke my heart.

it felt like being at a rock concert,

and chattering about nothing

with God.  sadness and concern

brushing themselves roughly

against my already raw heart.

sarah was released from the

hospital with a catheter bag

still inserted. her husband helped

her into my car.  she is 18 months

clean, and scowled  at me.

"what the hell?!!"

holding onto her catheter.

laughter, bordering on hysterics,

overtakes me.  i stop at a

grocery store and buy us a chocolate cake and a people

magazine.  we both hobble into

my house in pain.  she and her

husband are here for the night.

the five children distributed

among family.  i paid their phone

bill so they can at least stay

connected.  they are so grateful

for everything.

last night, i slept at tom's and

jan's in sacramento. her report

from the oncologist wasn't

good.

i have always wanted to

die first.  truly believing jan

could handle my loss better

than i could hers. how can there be

life without her?!

"moment by moment,

i'm kept in His love.

moment by moment,

new life from above.

looking to Jesus' til Glory

doth shine....

moment by moment,

oh, Lord, i am Thine."

(old hymn; author unknown)

often, this glorious, hard Race

demands everything.  all of

us have massive areas of

chaos in our  lives.  even if

it is all crammed down as

deeply and quietly as possible. 

something seems to always be

kicking up dust somewhere.

i'll walk with pain the rest of

my life...and count it all joy... if my children will truly

follow Jesus.  will live His love

to a broken world.   and know

how honored and thrilled and

proud i am to be their mother.

colson shouldn't be smoking

cigarettes, but he has

had anxiety since a little boy.

taylor was awarded for his

brilliant film degree, but still

doesn't have a job that draws

all his creativity to the screen, and

he is afraid his vision is drying up.

brock would literally live in his

car if he could play his bass in

a band that were to perform weekly.

brandt is just thrilled where he is.

and jasmine is happy.  for

him, that's everything. 

our little baby-doll just makes everything better.

and i just celebrate

all of you

because you are overcomers,

and warriors with backbones

for Jesus.

let's dance in His love

all weekend....and see everyone

through the loving eyes of God.

she's eleven years old.

petite.  wide-set blue eyes

and blond hair.  a little, stuffed

horse is always under one arm,

and her t.v. is  turned to

nasa.  this is bailey.

she is one of six children,

and her parents are recovering

addicts with me.  her mother, sarah,

is the one i've been taking to

doctors and hospitals.  they have

found a mass pressing against

one kidney...in her uterus.

bailey and her parents were

leaving my house the other night

after school shopping when

suddenly, bailey, quiet and

reserved,  flew back in the door

and wrapped her arms tightly

around my waist.  i held onto her,

soothing her.  speaking quietly.

"i love you, darling."

"it was so fun shopping. that back-

pack on wheels, especially."

she didn't budge. her face pressed

into me. arms remaining locked,

behind my back.

"bailey, everything is going to

be okay, sweetheart."

she looked up into my eyes.

studying me...and held on harder.

"Jesus is with us, doll,

and i have complete peace

about your mommy.  i'll always

stay close to you. always."

i buried my face in her warm,

sun-soaked hair.  i kissed her

forehead.  one more earnest

look into my eyes.  one more

squeeze, and she was gone.  

one beautiful little girl.  fearful,

and needing reassurance.

one of my sons called tonight.

needing his own comfort. as you

know, when my children call,

my world stops.  all obligations

are dropped. forgotten.  nothing

matters so much as that son's

personal turmoil of the moment,

and God's power to bring peace.

this is a true picture of Jesus.

we are never alone with Him. we

run to Him, and He is always waiting.  

we nestle into His

powerful warmth and love,

and the troubled waters cease.

"and Jesus says, 'come to the

waters...stand by My side. I

know you are weary...  you won't

be denied.  I saw every tear

that in darkness you cried....and

I am here to remind you that

for your sins I died."

most of life is made up

of hard-fought battles, but

who would we be without

the pain and hardship that

draws us close to Jesus and

each other? our humanity is

what reminds us all who God

is and what we aren't without

Him.

"with the Cross of Jesus...

marching as to war!" 

run to Him today.

He is waiting for you!!!

first day of a new week.

long days stretched in front

of us.  bills to pay.  groceries

to buy. children back to school.

miles and miles to run. peace

to be made.  forgiveness to

seek. a message of Christ's love

to be delivered.   

and so the

journey goes. and  

mondays are my greatest challenge.

it's the organizing in my mind.

lining up appointments. calls

to make sure nothing overlaps.

mundane and tedious...and  a

discipline to the process.

well,

i've made calls from bed. checked

on friends. made sure i start

physical therapy on my foot this

week.  all in pajama bottoms and

a simple, light teeshirt.  now you

know more secrets about me.

it's 2p.m...and i promised to

buy school clothes for tomorrow.

the first day of school. 

for a beautiful little girl that has none.

i don't want Jesus to catch me

being lazy in my worship of Him.

He is NOT a responsibility, but

the life-flow through which i move

and mark the gifts and blessings

and struggles of my journey. the

Race of life.  only as His power

flows through me can His love

pour over others.  only Jesus abiding in us makes our eyes

shine and our compassion reach

to all who pass our way.

there would be nothing.....

absolutely zip of value in me

without Him.

"if anyone thirsts, let Him come to me and drink.  He satisfies the

longing soul, and fills the hungry

soul with goodness." 

 john & colossians

may Christ and His grace make

us champions of His love this

week in a broken world.  i love

you and my life is beautifully

different because you are in it.

good news.

faithful God.  your many 

prayers.

jan's white count is up.

much higher. pneumonia

is gone. no more collapsed

lung.  i love living 45 minutes

away. thank you for being

warriors in our lives!!!

my foot?

"set your mind on things

above. not on things on the

earth."  col.3:2

i ask you to forgive me for

being shy and hesitant when

my friend told the doctor at

urgent care that i was a writer.

this doctor was so impressed

it overwhelmed me.  BUT...

the  next day,

there was a serious incident.there.

someone died.  police locked everything down...and this lovely

doctor had both wrists wrapped.

when sarah and i went in.

this petite, human physician looked

at me and, with tears in her eyes,

"i really need your prayers. it

was a bad day yesterday."

if sarah hadn't proudly said

i was a writer, i could not have

had such an open door to speak

earnestly about the glorious

Savior of the universe.

and i felt convicted that i mentioned

the man at celebrate recovery

who wondered if i'd had a little

experience speaking to small

groups. it so caught me off-guard

since my entire adult life i ve

keynoted huge audiences.

this i know...

if i were a brilliant speaker, 

AND I AM NOT, it matters not.

only Jesus can touch a heart.

as humans, we are powerless.

we can look good and sound

entertaining, but it's all garbage...

trash..a waste of time..if Jesus

doesn't annoint our lips and

stir hearts.  NEVER can a speaker

take credit for what God only

can do.  

my orthopedist is waiting two

weeks.  doing

another cat scan,

and reevaluating the condition

of my foot.  he never says,

"i'm so sorry about this..."  or....

"i know you've really suffered."

it's taken me deep..far under....

the cold, icy waters of terror

and  pain...but Jesus has been

my Partner.  it can't get better

than that. the saga contInues. 

today is the Sabbath.

my favorite day of all.

every week. i love this Scripture.

"so here's what I want you to do.

God helping you. take your every

day, ordinary life...your sleeping, 

eating, going to work, and walking

around life...and place it before

God as an offering.  embracing what God can do for you.....

fix your attention on God.  you'll be changed

from the inside out."  romans 12

may we celebrate His holiness

today.  laugh easily.  and hear the

celestial choirs lifting all our burdens to the only One who

truly gets the picture...and can

help us carry them.

thank you, again, for all your

priceless comments of encouragement.

with all of life's struggles,

we mustn't forget ice cream

cones and s'mores. bike rides 

and swimming and baseball

games on warm, summer nights.  

laughter is magic.

my friend and i had a terrible

experience in the emergency room.

she was put on a bed in the

broom closet. 

her car just stopped in the slow lane of the freeway

going home. dead cellphone...so

she jumped out of her car, and began running down the freeway    

wildly knocking on windows,

begging anyone to push her car

over.  this may not seem funny

to you, but in desperate straits,

we ended up laughing hard.  forgetting   

how hard life is right now.

"let the beauty of the Lord, our 

God be upon us." 

"a  glorious church, not having

spot or wrinkle or any such

thing, but holy and without

blemish.  you are complete

in Him."  daily light

jan and i feel oh, so much 

gratitude. a result of all your.prayers and loving comments.  

you mean everything to us.

well...Jesus has everything covered, 

so take time to hug and rejoce in things of God... .  

a small child's face.  the smell of fresh flowers. 

the comfort of friends.  trust me,

i have to work at this, too.

"let the beauty be seen

in me. all His wonderful passion

and purity.  oh, Thou Spirit divine...

fill this being of mine...'til the

beauty of Jesus be seen in me."

a day to glorify our Lord. and see

beauty everywhere we look.

six months of unrelenting agony.

unable to wear anything but flip-flops.  three surgeries, and no

success.  it has thrown me into a

darkness I have never known.  

i have quoted God's promises.

cried out, on my face, to Jesus..

but when i open my eyes every morning,

i can't imagine another day of this.  

my joy seems like nothing more than a tattered,  

soiled thread of fear that i kick around, and can barely 

hold onto.  please don't be disappointed in me.  just pray.

jan has a collapsed lung and pneumonia.  

my arms are wrapped around her as she has her blood test thursday

re: her myeloma.

my blue eyes brim with tears at

least half of every day. 

the mention of my foot or jan tends to bend my soul in half.  

like a gnawing vice,

chewing right behind my belly button.

well...enough of this.  you know

me well enough to know that every

single day, in unexpected moments,

i look for, and find, a touch of glory

where Jesus shines.  i throw my arms around His neck.  

i bury my face in the vast warmth and smell of

unrelenting love and generosity and

compassion He has for me.  someone so broken and imperfect.

"i have seen Him.

i have known Him..

and He walks and talks with me.

and the glory of His Presence

shall be mine eternally."

author unknown

well, fellow runners,

this is the Race we all have.

gain and loss.

victory and defeat.

faith and adoration...

and fears and doubt.

it takes all of these

to make our life's journey

so magnificent.  so together,

let's tackle what Jesus has handed

us...with all our might.

and watch, every day,

for the sunrise.

tonight

was graduation night

for our12-step group.  at

celebrate recovery.  joyful.  we are sisters.

we each were to give  a

2-minute, typed-out testimony

of our year's journey together.

our leaders are merciful.  mine

had not been turned in, and i

simply pleaded, "trust me."  i

sat in bed this morning, and in

ten minutes, wrote from my

heart to my head to the page.

then i called my friend, tere,

with shaking courage, and read

it to her to time. 1 minute, 30 seconds.

i had scrawled it on an envelope,

and took it to the stage to read.

a guy came up to me after small

groups, and said, "ann, do you

have some experience in speaking

to small groups?"

it was hard not to laugh out loud.

it's such a joy not to tell people

what i do...and just love the world

to Jesus.

the last two days,

i've been with a very sick

young mother.  urgent care and

the packed emergency room

of a hospital here.  yesterday, i

accompanied her to a private

exam room.  she is in my 12-step

group, and i really love her.

out of nowhere,

she blurted out that i was

a writer.  for her, it was showing

great honor.  i was horrified. the

female physician became completely absorbed with me,

and i was very embarrassed and

shy.  the one blessing..a beautiful one..

is that i was able to share

about Jesus.  i cannot imagine a

doctor being impressed with a

simple writer.

all four of my children called

today.  colson called while i was

taking a bath.  brock called from the bank.  

and taylor left a message

that he loved me and would call

this evening. 

brandt said he and jasmine were taking care of three of colben's cousins.  

oh, i miss that dollbaby of mine...and am so

proud of my amazing children. they

are everything to me.  have i told

you that recently?  smile.

tomorrow, i have an appointment

with my ankle-foot specialist, and i

am terrified.  the bone did not fuse

in my left foot, and i have lived

with such excruciating pain. i have

no words.  he is supposed to be the

number one doctor in this entire region, and he says it will require

another surgery where they remove

a piece of bone from my hip,  and use it for the fusion.

"my flesh and my heart may

fail, but God is the strength

of my heart...and my portion

forever."  psalm73:26

"isn't He wonderful,

wonderful, wonderful...

isn't Jesus, our Lord,

wonderful....."

Jesus is my passion.

my Song.  my morning joy

and only Hope in the darkness.

but these have been hard,

rugged months, as you know.

my foot surgery in early february,

where i remain in critical pain.

opinions from multiple doctors.

scared.  confused. more surgery?

the arduous task of detoxing off

pain medicine when correction is

complete.

and jan's cancer and near death.

my four sons who make my heart

ache with joy and longing...

and pride and concern.  an endearment that courses

through me.  that they might not

just know Jesus,  but be sold

out to Him. that God can count on

them to carry His Redemption

wherever they go.

without all your prayers

and love and compassion...

your comments that have

swept me away from the cliffs

of utter despair...without you,

i can't imagine surviving.

trying to blog in this state

of mind has been, for the most

part, agony.  you deserve messages

of hope.  of broken people

being loved.  of a mother who

knows how to parent better.

more Scripture of God's unwavering

faithfulness.  you are warriors,

in the midst of battle, and you

need to be fed solid Food...and

inspired.  i fall so short!

i've been working with..and loving..

a young mother of six. 

i was praying with her over the phone

tonight, at a most critical,

desperate moment.  we had to

have a miracle when her husband

suddenly pulled into the driveway.

another mother with five,

all five years and under, asked

if i would help with the children

at the doctor's office.  but

she forgot to tell me the office

number or name of doctor. a

huge medical building. 

i methodically went to every obgyn

listed.

"have you seen a woman with

five, small children?"

finally, the last office.

i came down to the name of

my friend.

"yes, across the hall.

in 15 minutes."

i was waiting when

babies and toddlers

streamed in.

jan didn't die.

brandt got the firefighting job.

"mom, i want to know everything

going on in the family so we all

truly stand together," requested

my oldest.  united, bonded sons.

if i just don't forget

that in my darkest hours....

when life feels too hard...to give

my life away, then joy will

gush into my wounds.  that

pain is a gift.  through it, I have

learned that you love me.

that you are some of God's

greatest gifts to me.  superficiality

fades, and Jesus and i become

one.

"our light affliction, which is but

for a moment, is working for us

a far more exceeding and eternal

weight of glory."  2 corinthians 4

Jesus our Lord, is wonderful.

and so are you!

i've driven to sacramento

to see jan.  i'm lying next to her,

and she is praying...

"thank You, Jesus.  thank You.

oh, Jesus, you have the power

to heal me.  i know You can."

and i began singing,

"isn't He wonderful.......

wonderful...wonderful.

isn't Jesus, my Lord,

wonderful?!

"eyes have seen. ears have

heard. it's recorded in God's

Word. isn't Jesus my Lord

wonnderful?!"

in our struggles,

rej oice.

in our sorrows, clap.

when we feel we are caving   

in, and we can't seem to feel or

find God, i get it.

but Jesus is for us.

and your prayers are moving

through my little family.

i have decided

to kick my tired shoes

of mourning from my feet.

they are impeding my joy.

and i forget how blessed i

am.    

i have decided that jan

is tough, and her collapsed

lung and pneumonia keep

making her stronger!

my feet?

that have carried me

thousands of miles.

winning marathons and

qualifying for boston marathons?

it's broken my heart, and i am

terrified of a fourth surgery, but

Jesus promises to see us through

every trial and seeming impossible

hole thrown in our paths.

taylor called.

"mom, i want us to face everything

that hits our family.  to stand

together through it all."

brock and colson and brandt

call almost daily. we work

out our issues, and never finish

a call without 'i love you."

your prayers have melted our

hearts.  i read them via phone

to jan, and we weep..

i have never cried

or been so hopeless and terrified

as the last several weeks. 

depression has taken on, for me,

new.meaning.and compassion for 

those who live with it constantly.

"ponder the rock from

which you were cut.

think of the One solitary man...

"wake up..wake up....

I am the One comforting you

I am God. your very own God ."

your love and prayers for us

have held us together. we've

cried out and not felt isolated.  and

somehow, i find myself crying.

our sorrows and burdens are

shared. yours and mine.

dance.  sing.  grab my hand .....

and feel the magnificent Savior

of the universe. and 

when the rolls of swirling darkness

force us to roll in our sorrow and

agony, Jesus will be there.  and

i will be.  just as you will be

standing by with open arms for us.

how profoundly i love you all.

jan has not recovered well

since the meat was lodged

in her lungs. her white cell

count is dangerously  low....

and her red count isn't good,

either.

i'm scared.

life without jan is

unthinkable.

just as i know it's been

for all of you who have lost

children and mates and

siblings.

please continue to pray for

jan.  "just as i am,

i come.  i come."