in hebrews,

discipline is a long-distance

race.

this i understand well

because i am a long-

distance runner. it is not

easy for me to take on a five-

or-10 mile competition. with

my long legs and stretched-out,

narrow physique, i don't even pick up speed

for 10-12 miles.

marathons are my style.

26.2 miles. i have always

needed time to build momentum.

i always started each race very

relaxed and easy. as slow as

8-minute miles for the first

four or five....before picking

up speed; a fast rhythm.

the gun would go off.

my heart had been nourished

by God's Word. i always paid

my dues. would run 10-12 miles

every week day....and a 20-miler

on saturdays. they would all be

deposited in the bank until the day of race.  

when legs started flying,

and feet would start slapping the

pavement all around me, i would

start withdrawing from my bank 

account everything deposited

there in the previous months.

my upper body had become

strong by the way i used my

arms.....and, at the end of

every, single marathon, i would

come across the finish line

and throw up. all the training

miles now used. the account

now depleted. another race

completed; new lessons learned.

will i ever, again,

after all the surgeries

on my feet, be able to really

run again? only Jesus knows.

"strip down.

start running (again). and

never quit. no extra spiritual fat

no parasidic sins. keep your

eyes on Jesus, who both began and

finished this race we're in. study

how He did it..because He never

lost sight of where He was headed.....

that exhilarating finish

in and with God...the Cross,

shame, whatever.:"

"so don't sit around on your

hands..clear the path for long distance runners

so no one will trip and fall.  

help each other out and run for it!"

hebrews 12..the Message

i've had a hard run this last year.

but my passion for men's

souls burns with holy flame.

i don't want anyone to miss this

magnificent Savior. He's the

clean, morning sun..and the

afternoon breeze. He's every

song there is to sing...and all the

dreams painted across the sky.

life is all about the Race.

all about deliverance and 

freedom. Jesus owns the

story. the glory. every breath

is His, pumping through our

run. our love and passion.

we're out on this course

together. side by side. it's

long distance so let's set our

pace so we can make it to

the end.

let's not judge,

but cheer each other.

i love you!!!!

"sunrise!!!

tomorrow.

sunrise!!!

tomorrow.

sunrise is coming ...

for you and for me.."

dry air after dripping humidity.

a rainbow arched across a sky. 

multicolored promises of fresh

hope after howling storms of

doubt and fear and full-blown

failure. loss and regifting.  

something we truly loved, and taken....then given back.

 

from blind to sight.

ravaged pain to healing promises

for smiling tomorrows.

everything is an equation.

however shattering equated to

how lifting and shining at opposite end.

"isn't the love of Jesus

something wonderful?

wonderful, wonderful He is

to me!"

Lord,

oh I long for all of

You. more!!!!

another monday.

new week. new month.

a cast like mine soon

removed. pain because my

foot is twisting inside.

"to be like Jesus....

to be like Jesus...

that is all....to be like Him".

let's see what coffee or

tea or lemonade of the

heart can do for us in our

journey with Jesus today .....

this week.

"trust in the Lord

with all your heart...

and lean not on thine

own understanding.

in all thy ways acknowledge

Him...and He will direct thy paths."

prov.3:5-6

an old,old hymn.

"I will not forget thee..."

when i was very small..

a young child...and someone

harmed me,You were there.

watching over me.

I will not forget thee.

when my father moved us

to hawaii, and i was eight,

and blue-eyed and white-skinned,

and ridiculed...You smiled down

on me. You had shaped me in

my mother's womb...with jan, a

sister...to remove my isolation.

You comforted us when we had

brutal days, and walked home

from the bus stop, crying.

others might forget, but You

did not. You did not ever forget.

 in college chapel,

when we sang,

"my stubborn will at last i've

yielded..i would be Thine,

and Thine alone..." and i

surrendered the rest of my

life to You,You remembered,

and You have stood by me every

day all these years of mountains and valleys 

and fire and flood. You

have never abandoned or forsaken

me. when i've fallen and sinned......

and failed You...You have remained

close. You had already paid the

price; worn the thorn-covered

crown; hung on the roughly-

hewn cross...and had nails  

plunged into Your soft flesh. You

never forgot Your mission to

redeem us...and offer deliverance

to all who hunger for it. and

freedom.

"there is a River...

that flows from Calvary...

come to the fountain that

never shall run dry."

i have raised four, beautiful sons.

lost a husband to cancer. been

a single mother. suffered sorrow

and loss as everyone has. i am

broken and have failed miserably...

but You always hear my moans...

and lead me out of desert lands...

to where rivers flow and choirs

sing and all our tears are washed

away. we are picked up, and

set on solid rocks.

rains and floods may come

and go...but Jesus doesn't

forget the road or the yearnings

of our bowed spirits.

He just doesn't forget.

never. ever.

"great is His faithfulness..

Lord, unto me...".

we might forget.

even often.

but Jesus never will.

"God is our Refuge and Strength.

always there in times of trouble."

"worship the Lord your God,

and only Him. serve Him with abso-

lute single-mindedness..."

     

"the devil left. and in His place,

angels....came and took

care of Jesus' needs."

"there at the jordan river, those

who confessed their sins, were

baptized into a changed life.

"...a fire within

you....going to clean house..

and making a clean sweep..

everything new in its proper

place. God will place everything

true in its proper place..."

matt.3-4

this is what i long for.

i want to be like Jesus.

love like He does. laugh and

play kick ball...with neighborhood

children...oh, i want a clean

heart. untarnished. caring more

about others than myself.

i'm silly.

i seem to worry

about what others think.

do you ever have that complexity?!  

scrubbed clean.....i want to shine

like a copper kettle.

i'm sick of this cast...left leg.

of this noisy walker. of my

lazy mind that drapes myself

over the slip-covered couch,

and pretends that if i forget, all

the business of my life will

slip away, and be lined up in order.

Jesus...

thank you for pain.

for what it is doing to

my misconstrued thoughts

and backward confusion.

i'm running, Jesus. with joy.

wait up, for me. for all of us

that are lagging behind....oh!

we need a Savior. You, 

yes, You....our Savior.

the philosopher...

kierkegaard...

wrote:

"prayer does not change God...

but the one who prays..."

Jesus,

transform me.

enlarge my vision.

plant the roots of love

and utter compassion and forgiveness 

deep within the innermost, winding halls

of my soul. quiet me.

soften my judgement.

and may i run to you.

and never stop burying

my face into the soft folds

of your favor .

running the Race.

fighting the wars of division

and contradiction. warriors

for salvation's cause; for the

music of Redemption.

that souls may be set free.

amen. amen.

that souls may be

set free.

as we pray for you,

and you for us....

let freedom ring.

let freedom ring

miracles.

amazing, unexpected.

wide-stretched  

surprises. the impossible

breaking into melting, beautiful

realities.

fingertips

reaching for the sky.

tapping the sparkling

stars. events sprouting wonders only

the giant God of the universe

can weave in and around

what feels terrifying and

impossible.

jan has been hospitalized

for a week. crushed vertebrae

in her spine. excruciating pain.

surgery scheduled for last

night. part of her cancer affects

her bones. a bone, when it breaks,

usually bends away from the spine.

jan's did the opposite, and

punctured a hole into the fluid of

the backbone. if the surgery wasn't

perfectly executed, jan could be

paralyzed the rest of her life.

neither of us does well with pain.

we each fell asleep, crying. 

pleading for miracles....for each

other. my leg with a cast; multiple

fractures in my back. and jan

facing serious possibilities.

each day,

jan injects herself with a

form of blood thinner. for years,

she's struggled with blood clots.

yesterday morning, with nurses

not thinking, she had that

injection. if the specialist

hadn't suddenly caught that

on jan's chart, she would have

had a serious bleed during surgery,

and been paralyzed the rest

of her life.

"and we know that all things

work together for good to them

who love God; who are called

according to His purposes...."

romans 8:28

yes...oh,  yes...

isn't the love of God

magnificent! amazing!

something majestic!

clap your hands. dance

and skip and bow. the vast

love of God, amazing.

tuck your fears away.

trust in the never-failing

faithfulness of the living,

the awesome Redeemer.

in flannel, p.j. bottoms.

a long-sleeve, black,

cashmere sweater.

hair pulled back in

tight ponytail.

had 

to battle

every single moment

of this day.

no phone calls.

no food fixed.

comfort in the arms

of Jesus. wrapped in

His strong arms of care.

i'm a runner.

to the house next door.

across the parking lot.

but for the second time

in a year, i'm reduced to

a walker. one leg carrying all

my weight. a tendency to

fall. 3wks. to go before i can wear

a boot. i'll feel i'm wearing

jimmy choo's heels. smile.

hooray!!!

hooray!!!

for every brave

survivor of a health problem.

for jan, with cancer.

do we ever appreciate anything

enough until we lose it?

let's make that our prayer:

"Jesus....may we love the

air on our skin. the colors

in every rainbow. the orange

and pinks spread across the

horizon of every sunset. good

health. sound sleep. the miracle

of every child. our pets. freedom

to worship...."

"Lord, be glorified.

be glorified.

be glorified

in us!!"

"may we live in faith...

and not sight. faith that

there is nothing too hard

for you. nothing that can't

be forgiven. that warm smiles

can bless everyone. that your

arm is never too short."

just...

bless You, Jesus.

and may we most of all

never stop praising You

for the glorious Cross that

delivers us from all our sin..

and sets us free.

amen.

amen.

hallelujah.

amen.

"we walk by faith; not

by sight.."  2nd corinthians

faith is believing the sun is very 

soon to rise....though, at this 

moment, the darkened sky

swats out every thread of

light that begins to break through.

there is not even a knot of hope

that we can grab onto.

waiting.

watching the sky.

stretching our sight as far down

the road as possible...

pacing. praying. crying out.

refusing to bend our backs or

shake our fists....because all

we have ever known about

this journey called life ..as Christians...

is that Jesus never

fails.and if answers are going

to live, our faith must not be

compromised by sight!

i had to believe years for the birth

of our first child...with many

deaths and losses along the

way. to really see the power of Christ 

doing miracles against all

odds. Jesus brought us three

more. no amount of sight

could have done this.

the Spirit of God whets our

appetites by giving us a taste of what's ahead.

He puts a little of heaven in our

hearts so that we'll never settle

for less.  

cramped conditions?

fight on! 

our mission?

cheerfully pleasing God.

His Word carries the first

and last by pure, clean faith alone.

faith has never been so

difficult for me as today.

both my feet not properly

fixed by surgery. multiple

fractures of ribs from a fall.

faith. not sight.  just rock-solid

faith.

Jesus demands faith over

sight. trust over seeming

loss. what we think we see 

is nothing. Jesus says

faith for the unseen cancels

out all else.  

glory....

hallelujah!!

i can see the sunrise

even if the black waters

lap everywhere.

colben, brandt, jasmine

good days.

happy, roll-in-the grass

moments. laughing hard.

my memory bank of fun so as

dark clouds lazily crawl in,

my joy cannot be quenched.

last night,

carefully, i was trying

to maneuver my walker into

the living room. one accessible

leg...both arms occupied, guiding

the walker...and a health-shake

wobbling...my tongue twisted

around one lip, i suddenly started

to lose the shake as it was 

slipping out of my fingers.

i was batting the air to grab the

glass when my feet flew under

the walker, and i crashed with

such force that i knew my tailbone

was crushed...and glass shattered.

i can barely sit down today.

the other side of dance and morning sun is darkness.  

a pain that pinches our joy....and steals

our contentment. life hands us

some of both. sometimes,

hand in hand. i'm not keen on pain.

it even scares me. but it keeps

my backbone straight and my

heart tender and kind. and Jesus

is busy, day and night, sewing

the holes of resentment back together 

"where moth and rust

cannot corrupt...and thieves

cannot break through and steal..."

don't throw away the magnificent

with the dark and heavy. it takes

both roads to reach the summit...

and celebrate the New Jerusalem.

i think Jesus has just

helped taylor earn a very

good job. woo-hooo!!

and he called his brothers

to check on them.  

"mom! i think brock seemed

happier than i've ever seen him.

get it, mom...really happy!!!

and brandt and jasmine and

colson appear well, too."

"sorry to miss you, mom.

we'll talk later. how are you,

mom? love you, mom."

beat the drums. dance around

those with fresh

hope. turn the choir volume up.

pull out the pipe organ. don the

choir robes. tap the shoes.

there are times in our lives when

the sun shines brighter. beautiful 

flowers of fresh surprises seem

to keep popping up all around us.

hold steady...

feel the ebb and flow

of life's rhythm.

times of joy. celebration.

taste these moments. laugh

easily. allow peace to roll

over you. storms are coming.

clouds will some day

return.  

hold on to the beautiful surprises

when they come...and draw from

their memories when the tides

change and courage is demanded.

"i'll tell the blessed story...

as i lay my burdens down.

'Jesus led me all the way."

"when i was desperate, i called out,

and God got me out of a tight

spot.

"God's angel set up a circle

around us while we pray.

"open your mouth and taste...

open your eyes and see me.

how good God is.

blessed are you who

run to Him.

"worship opens doors

to all His goodness...."

psalm 34

the message.

God always meets us

more than half way.

taylor needs him to.

brock really longs for

this mercy..

colson pleads for Jesus

to stretch his hope....

and brandt and jasmine

and my baby doll, colben,

have seen more of God's

mercy so this is a place of

God's shining.

do nothing of significance  

every day without a moment in

God's loving comfort.

"if ever i need you' tis now,

oh, Lord. i come. i come.."

running.

arms spread wide..

into the tight embrace

of Jesus.

join me. we need

the strength of each other.

love is something you do.
there is a young couple, with
six children, and every time they
get ready to leave after
visiting me, the husband
silently moves through my house
and collects every garbage
container of trash, and takes it
out with them as they leave.

it's not as if my place is sloppy.
it is simply a gesture of doing
their part of clean-up for the visit.
every visit. and the husband
does the work!

sarah, the wife, is 36yrs. old.
i am her best friend. one day, she
was lonely for me.

"ann, if i pay half the cab fare,
can you cover the rest?"

"of course," i responded.

we are all recovering addicts.
she has just had a hysterectomy,
and had to be on a lot of pain medication.
we will be going through detox together. not
because we have walked away
from recovery, but have each been so ill.
had to take meds momentarily,
and refuse to abandon the
sweet taste of deliverance. and
God's best. the road to recovery.

laughing,
sarah said to the cabbie,
"i'm 36 and my friend is 68,
but who cares?!!"
sarah makes me feel so special!

another gal is in her 30's..
single mom. we've got so
much in common. raising
children alone. hanging by
the edge of our teeth financially.
she drives me to sacramento,
to doctor's appointments. sat
in my hospital room to keep me
from being alone. to not feel
my pain and physical agony so
acutely.

my children will tell you
that if there is one thing Jesus
and i have called them to it is
to give their love away. a fast-food
lunch to a bent, dirty soul
resting on a curb. a smile at
someone who walks by. to give
some of every penny Jesus gives
them to others in need.

to play ball with a child.
to hug an unattractive, elderly
man. to stop and laugh with
someone who seems sad. to
hug a child. to squeeze until
they giggle.

to feed another mother's
child. to help a crippled woman
cross the street. we do one thing
with everyone who passes by.
we build a wall or a bridge.  i
want to be a bridge-builder
for Jesus. to change the world
every single day. in even a very
small way. yes. love is something
we are..and something we do.

"all for Jesus..all for Jesus...
every day and every hour..."

i remember, years ago, when i
was addicted to pain pills,
there were so many things
that i missed.

how clean and vibrant
the sky was. how great it
felt to feel the earth between
my toes on warm days...to look
everyone straight in the
eyes, with no guilt and shame.
no double standards. and...
that sweet taste of freedom.

it's all of this,
and more...that has made
the last seven months so
foreboding and terrifying. i
have had to take medication
to walk because none of the
bones would fuse on the bottom
of my left foot.

and i've known i would have
to detox off these pain pills.
where? how would i cover
expenses? finally, i returned
home from the hospital last
week with one leg in a cast.

"do NOT allow leg to even touch
the ground for six weeks!"

everything had depended
on Jesus. what a hard, glorious
adventure this has been. if you
are fighting an addiction...a large
piece of cloth that has wrapped
itself around your neck...and
subtly, obscurely begun to imprison
you...and squeeze the air of
freedom and deliverance right
out of you, then i ask you to take
my hands.  step up to the altar
of God who promises to remove
the self-loathing paths of our
brokenness.  and seek with me,
that the Lord...the Power greater
than ourselves...will lead us to
the peace and sun again.

i'm watching for you.
i'm watching and waiting.
"His truth is marching on."

to run the Race.

to look people in the eye

and say, by the clear

conviction shining in your spirits,

that you are not afraid to run. to

fall flat on your face....

and not be so shamed that

you will stay down. will roll around

in the embarrassment of

all your imperfection.

NO!

you will always rise

again. bruised and bloody

and limping...and yes....maybe

shamed and raw and exposed and

eyes slightly downcast. BUT,

you will stand on your shaky

legs. first, you will only walk.

stumbling along the side of

the road...but slowly, you will

pick up your pace. your legs

stretching. and glory will begin

to shine along the edge of the

horizon. and glisten in your pace.

the faint echoes of choirs.

i can hear them. coming from

the redeemed. i am one of those.

the last year has knocked me

down. over and over. these

blogs have embarrassed me

beyond words. painting, across

the skies, how poverty-ridden

my soul is. my faithless spirit

of raw fear...rather than relentlessly

clinging to Jesus' powerful

promises...shames me.

i've been so scared.

have shared my children's

struggles, with their permission,

so you would know we are broken,

like everyone else..yet worried

that i haven't instead guarded

their hearts more carefully.

after all the physical suffering,

i must now face all it will take

to expunge these chemicals

from my addicted body. not

for a second have i considered

these pain pills once more

the answer to my earthly struggles

and sorrow.

but i am so terrified.

how to do it. who will

help me. can i wait until

my ribs and foot are healed?

i ask you all to forgive me for

not representing Jesus better.

oh, what a beautiful, magnificent

Savior He is. i'm so ashamed

of not being a tougher warrior

of the faith.

for you who have contributed

funds to help Jesus and me

change my neighborhood..

and all the love poured out 

in your comments...you all

have fed my soul. you have

painted such love across my

children's hearts. you have

been Jesus to the five of us.

our years as warriors have

been difficult...and i've not

always done it right, but with

all my heart and soul, i have

tried.

may we march with Jesus

leading us....and everytime we

stumble, and fall, may we rise

again. forgive ourselves and

others, and shout the victory

cry. i so love Jesus and you!!

i had a friend that

i truly cherished.

her hair. her poise.

the way she loved others.

she did beautiful things for

my sons and me...and we just

adored her unconditionally.

we were family.

we longed to make her happy

because that's what she did

for us.

someone knocked on my

door the other day. laughed

and visited. no negative words

were uttered. we shared what

we love in each other. spoke

about what we love in others.

our favorite things to chatter

about were our children....and

what gifts they are...and our

dreams for their futures.

when Jesus got up to leave,

and thanked us all, we were

so amazed. suddenly, we recognized Him. 

tears streamed down our faces.

i looked at Him...

and then at you all,

and i wanted to love you more.

"more, more about Jesus..

more...more about Jesus..

more of His saving fullness

see..more of His love who

died for me."

midnight

to another day   

where the damp earth

and crowded places 

grow quiet and prepare  

for the hours to come.

it happened a week ago.

7p.m. my surgery on my foot

where the bones never fused.

first, a five inch chunk was cut

around my hip bone to be placed

where weak bones were.

i promise i won't carve my blogs around feet......

and bunions and callouses.

but the wonders of' running

in the mountains of life with Jesus.

i've  fallen...no...CRASHED...since

returning home. my casted foot

that is not to touch the ground

in 6 wks. came crashing 

to the floor, pounding cement

4 times; twice knocking the air

out of me. breaking several ribs.

so we fight the demons. robed

in black. we lay our victories at

Jesus's feet....and march on

to hear the victory Choir.