three years ago,

my beautiful, brilliant, darling,

incredible grandbaby, colben,

was born. he's my first and only

grandchild, so please forgive me

if i think he's the shining sun and 

bursting stars of the galaxy.

it was november 25, 2010.

and that year was thanksgiving

day. i had just put the stuffed

turkey in the oven when brandt

called and said jasmine was in

labor. taylor was the photographer

of the event, and we were all in

the delivery room when colben 

pushed his beautiful little head

into the world.

i could never have known

that day how this baby was

going to bless my life. that the

most difficult times 

were coming, and colben was

God's kiss on my tear-stained  face

 and the garden of my soul.

neither did i know that God 

had given me the most generous,

unselfish daughter-in-law

who allowed me all the time

i needed to enjoy and love on

her baby. brandt is the fire-

fighter in the family, and now

they live by her family in

pittsburgh. i'm so happy for them,

but how i miss my little, star-kissed

baby doll.

colben william anderson.

with a head full of ringlets,

warm, honey-colored skin and

chocolate-glistening eyes.....

happy birthday, 

big boy! you color the sky

red and yellow and purple

and green..... and make

grandma laugh. oh, i treasure

you, colben. grandma loves

you.

"Jesus loves you,

this i know...for the Bible

tells me so.

little ones to Him belong.

they are weak, but He is strong..."

yes. yes. yes.

Jesus loves you.

yes. yes. yes.

be a dreamer for Him,

too.

"this is the air i breathe.

Your very words spoken

to me....and i..i'm desperate

for You. i'm lost without You.."

i was standing with a couple of

very good friends...and they

were brewing thoughts

and feelings about someone i

love very much. i just stood

there while they verbalized 

some negative pieces of this

woman. there would be a spurt

of laughter, and the conversation

progressed to a higher level.

trust me, i have failed, at 

times, to not cover people's

backs, but raising four sons

as a widow. being responsible

for their character building, and

my deep, pure belief that love

transcends all differences, the

core of my belief system has

stood the tests of time. i have

four sons who always have my 

back. absolutely always. and

the same goes for each other.

i looked at my friends, smiling.

we are all so human. flawed.

imperfect. write my name at

the top of the list.

"ann, why are you suddenly so

quiet?"

"i just wish we could talk about

something else. we're all so

imperfect. let's believe in the

best in each other. what else

can we talk about?"

that simple.

we made a quick, smooth shift,

and i felt so much happier.

"HE WHO COVERS OVER AN

OFFENSE, PROMOTES LOVE,

BUT WHOEVER REPEATS THE

MATTER, SEPARATES FRIENDS"

proverbs 17:9

this thanksgiving,

let's breathe God's air,

and dance in the desperate

beauty of His Presence.

i pulled out of my

driveway, heading for

the freeway to sacramento.

jan is finally home from back

surgery and i was on my way

to be with her while tom was

at work.

i live about ten miles from town.

by the side of the road,

with a big, solid rod of some

kind, stood an unshaven,

almost toothless man. heading

for the stop sign, i couldn't get the

image of him out of my mind.

what would Jesus do?

there was something wrong

with this picture, and i know

it might seem foolish, but i

felt compelled to turn my car

around, and see if God needed me

to assist Him with this

seemingly broken man.

he squinted at me through

stunning, almost-blinding

morning sun.

"hi, sir....where are you headed?"

he proceeds to tell me his car

gave out on him a couple hours

ago, and he was walking home

to get a part. that he was a

mechanic in lodi. hmmmmm.

"sir, do you know Jesus?

because He sure knows you,

and He cares about everything

that matters to you."

he vehemently shook his head

"no"!!!!! he wasn't interested.

  

i quietly spoke. doors locked.

my window partially down.

when i asked about the heavy

rod he was carrying. he told

me it was his walking pole.

"well, maybe you didn't notice,

but you whacked my rear view

mirror off, and i can see pieces

of it right now, around your feet.

i forgive you the way Jesus

forgives us."

pulling away,

i think of a little market,

and i swing by. buying a

bottle of 7-up...and getting

a little cash, i drive back to

the road where i'd left the broken

man, loved by God. 

i keep my distance. remain in my car....

but press the window down

again.

as i hand him the cold drink,

and a couple bills, i begin to

sing to him.

"freely, freely

you have received...

freely, freely give.

go..in My Name, and because

you believe, others will know

that l live."

"don't forget...Jesus loves you."

not a thank you or a smile.

no gratitude or ...

"i'm sorry about your mirror."

but,

Jesus says we are to

love our enemies and do

good to those who flunk

in kindness.

we are all runners in the RACE.

not the10k or boston marathon.

the run for eternity. and we are

to bring all we can with us.

i don't always know how to

run up the rugged hills, or how

to help others really understand

how imperative the Race is. we

are simply called to love. may

God empower each of us to run,

and by His grace, win.

   

"and Jesus said...

come to the water.

stand by My side.

I know you are thirsty.

you won't be denied.

l felt every tear that

in darkness you cried.

and l'm here to remind you

that for those tears l died."

close of another Sabbath.

jan back home ten days after back

surgery and much pain.

"ann, i have to wear this ugly

body brace. my hair is awful.

my spray tan is gone except

for brown spots where i've

been washed and i.v.'s have

been put in. i can't be alone

tomorrow when tom goes to

work, but no one is allowed to

see me like this but you and tom."

well...

my foot is almost 8 weeks

down the road from another

surgery. not better, but worse.

but i can drive with my right

leg. take extra pain medicine

with me...and try.

like Jesus.

bending over the blind.

"Lord, that i might see."

having a sick man lowered

through the roof because of

the massive crowds.

"rise up and walk."

touching the lepers.

the untouchables.

kissing a child's skinned knee.

ministering to a dying, aids'

man. smoothing his gown.

wiping his brow.

calling a dead child back to life.

Jesus was always busy

healing the sick and infirmed.

a woman with a blood issue

had only to touch the hem of His

garment. thousands pushing and

trying to get close, but the second

she touched His cloth, He knew.

God never misses anyone with

unaltering faith. the courage

to believe. to know there is NOTHING a great God can't do!

absolutely nothing.

so...

this week,

amidst the troubles and

sorrows and wrenching, missteps of life, may we keep

our eyes open for the sick and

dying all around us. may we be

what Jesus requires of us.

may we especially remember

that almost everyone comes

to Jesus at a point of need.

i have a friend just diagnosed

with breast cancer. 36 yrs. old.

mother of six. please...pray.  

and that i'll be strong enough to

get off this couch, and nurse jan

so she'll feel no shame.

and for you,

i pray the same.

of life.

"and...

He walks with me

and He talks with me

and He tells me i am His

own...."

veronica.

my very dearest korean

friend. it's been two months

since i've been to quality cleaners.

veronica and her husband's

business. as you know,

they live in my neighborhood.

i've been too ill, but i miss her.

i've hugged and kissed her...

and tried to be Jesus to her.

she always kisses my face.

in very broken english,

she tells me every time

i walk in that i'm her very

best friend. she loves me.

and for over three years, 

i have tried to pour love on her head.

paint peace on her walls. and

wait for her to open her

heart to Jesus. never a sign

of desire to know Him.

eight months. i felt she probably

missed me, too. Jesus has pulled

me deeper and deeper through

a shroud of pain...to remember my mission. my calling.

i limped through the front door

of quality cleaners.

"veronica, hey!"

and running through the

racks of cellophane-covered

clothes, i see my little, tiny

friend with pure love and joy

and worry all spooned together

on her face. we throw our

arms around each other. i'm

much taller, and i bury my face

in her neck, tears soaking her

skin. her arms tightly squeezed

around my waist. i'm not fancy

today. skinny jeans and a simple,

cropped top, and uggs.

veronica finally loosens her arms

and steps back. her face also wet

with tears.

 

"every morning, i pray to God,"

(and she emphasizes God!) "and

i ask Him to make you well. "

her liquid, dark eyes glisten,

and she points to Heaven. she

is excited to tell me. to let me

know she's been praying for me.

she keeps pointing up, and

saying God.

veronica has stepped over the

line. from belief in a foreign god...to

an acute awareness of a living

God. Who loves us. Who listens.

Who cares. Who answers. a miracle!

pure and untarnished and beautiful.

"and the joy we share as we tarry

there...none other has ever known."

walking with Jesus. we

don't have to search for people

every day to love for Him. He

will put them right in front of us.

you and Jesus and i and love.

right where we live. changing

the world.

storms.

God seems to weave us 

in and out and through the  

winds and rain and breaking

temperatures and into snow

banks. He puts a halt to many

of our dreams...and, in barren

places where we cannot, no matter

how far we look, hear music. see

flags waving or people laughing.

all we hold dear.

what we love and treasure.

self-imposed beliefs that

if only i were married...or we lived

in a beautiful house or became

prominent in our careers.

storms shut out the sun.

erase the laughter.

strip us of 

our puffed-up egos....

and 

peel away all the layers

of superficiality.

i am in a storm.

most of us are.

it's painful.

every day,

God's Word reminds me

to praise the Lord. thank Him.

trust and obey. but it's difficult.

the  neighbor across the street

brings me my mail every day.

"i'm coming..." i call out,

as i put on my boot and hobble

to the door. and, every day, 

usually with no make-up on and

hair pulled back in a ponytail,

my face is covered with tears.

he studies my face.

makes small talk as if he

doesn't notice.

but....

i've lived long enough

to know the sun always

shines again. He raises

beauty out of ashes. and

absolutely nothing molds

us and makes us more like

Him than suffering.

stand strong, weary warriors

Jesus took those apprenticed

to Him. to a quiet place, He taught

His climbing companions....

Jesus, count me in.

i'm on Your team. and i quietly

sat in a shady spot as close to

my Savior as possible. let's not

worry that my car is parked

quite a distance away.

i don't feel the pain in my foot...

or the pall of heat in the air. only

that i could catch a glimpse of

Him. the love and strength of my life.

Jesus starts by reminding us

we are blessed. and cared for.

"you're blessed when you are at

the end of your rope. with less of

you, there is more of God and

His rule."

"you are blessed when you feel

you've lost what is most dear

to you. only then can you be

embraced by the One most dear

to you."

read chapter five in matthew. less

of us and more of God. that is what my

soul cries out  for.

He is all i want. the only One who

can save me. it's all about the Blood.

"what can wash away my sin?

nothing but the Blood of Jesus....

WHAT can make me whole again?

nothing but the Blood of Jesus.....

no other fount i know...nothing but

the Blood of Jesus."

Jesus is THE Warrior.

we are His army.

i had sat on the mountain side.

with Jesus. in my mind, I was being

taught...and I could see Him.

there is so much more i need to be

for Him...come on! let's go find another

grassy knoll. maybe we can find Him.

robes blowing in the breeze. just for

a moment. a second.   

colben, my dollbaby

love

is

all there is...and

was...and all there ever

will be...

love is like the clean,

morning air. and a bird dipping

low over curling ocean waves.

you feel it when sun rays warm 

the chill in the air...and someone

smiles at you in a way that says

you are special.

brandt called.

"oh, mom, i hate to say this,

but i have 75cents...and am almost

out of gas. until i'm done with

emt school, i can't get a second

job."

he's the firefighter in the

family, with my beautiful daughter-in-

law and grandson.

i rushed to a post office.

my check would cost $40 for

overnight. $32 for two-day 

service. $7 for priority.

the gentleman behind the counter

says sometimes it gets there in

three days....priority.

"Jesus is my Hope," i look at him.

smiling. eyes shining."here's

$7!"  love is speaking Jesus' name.

the Author of all love.

 

tonight.

why did i do that?    

what if brandt runs out

and priority takes a week? 

well, divine Love makes a way

through, even if the mountains

have to be pushed apart, and

the envelope carried on the

wings of an angel. i believe.

my dear friend, sarah, stuck

$5 in her pocket and headed to a

thrift store close by. she finds

miracles. a mentally-delayed

man was asking the person

behind the counter how long he

would hold a certain shirt.

"24hrs."

"aw....can't you hold it two

weeks when i come back?"

"24hrs.!"

""come on! two weeks..."

sarah spins around.

"how much is the dang shirt?"

"$5."

"i'll buy it for him."

she pulls out the crumpled $5

bill. "i'll have to go to my car

and look for the 25cents.."

the worker volunteers that amount.

"i have my new shirt!"

"i have my new shirt...for my

grandpa's birthday."

and he is dancing around.

clutching his new gift.

sarah watching, with tears on

her face.

love is Jesus,

orchestrating each moment.

putting people together, in all

kinds of places, at exact moments

to create miracles in our lives.

don't forget to be love

where you live.

i love this Scripture

in psalm 127:

"if God doesn't build the house, 

the builders only build shacks.

if God doesn't guard the city,

the night watchman might as well

nap.

it's useless to rise early and go

to bed late, and work your

worried fingers to the bone.

don't you know He enjoys

giving rest to those He loves?"

living is all about God.

He does the teaching. the healing.

the growing. the directing.

we listen and learn and scatter

the seeds...and live with quiet

souls so we can hear Him speak.

can understand our next

assignment. know where He wants

to plant us.

feel the smooth, straight road

under your feet. experience the

wonder of young children playing.

shout into the wind, 

"He lives. He lives. glory.

hallelujah. He lives."

and...

in the midst

of all the music and noise and

chatter of life, just hold onto

Who created it all. fixed every

star. grew all the trees. and....

taught us what love is.

pure and earnest and our only

Redemption. Jesus! the Savior

and Hope for all the world.

no matter where

you are tonight...

or your children.

no matter

how

hopeless you feel.

how alone.

how narrow the road looks.

how closed in the walls feel.

how low the clouds.

how short you are on

rent. how ill the one

you love is.

or...

maybe

you just found out

someone molested your

child. or made fun of one

at school. or even did harm.

just regardless.

neglected or abused or

betrayed or misread in some

crazy, bizarre way.

remember.

Jesus reigns.

He's alive. risen. the Redeemer.

Deliverer. the true Comforter.

and...

we have to run the Race.

face the horrors and live with

the fears. crawl out of the safety

and warmth of the bedcovers

where pain cannot touch us...and into

the raw, cold realities.

BUT...

".....we KNOW that ALL things

work together for good to those

who love God..."  romans

"trust in the Lord with All thine

heart, and lean not on thine own

understanding; in ALL thy ways

acknowledge Him, and He WILL

direct thy paths."   proverbs

"a bruised reed He will NOT

break..."

our heads hang down

and our bones break

and death sometimes seems

so much easier than the

option of life.

alcohol and drugs and food

and sex and pills and many

more vices lure us. numb us.

i know.

i understand.

i've lived long enough

to see and experience much

of this. but let's do our best

to encircle our loved ones..and

those we've never met before.

and cling to the ROCK that

is higher than we are.

and the cool waters

of His love can kiss the wounds.

run River run.  keep us whole

until the Race is finally over.

our burdens dropped outside

the Gate. and we dance on

streets of gold and sing

with the choirs. with all

those who overcame...

by the Blood of the Lamb..

and the Word of our testimony.

"the Power greater than

ourselves..."

november 1, 2013

colson called.

he has two jobs now.

he never has difficulty

getting work. today, he

sells paintings at the bush

library. often sells more on

a given day than anyone else.

he was hired at walmart

three weeks ago, and notified

already of a promotion in the

managerial area.. my prayer,

above all, is for colson to

lean hard on Jesus when the

going gets tough...and to

manage his life and

money...wisely. he keeps

working at these hard tasks

of keeping things going. sort 

of like me on many given days.

mornings, as you know,

are my demise....but it is

one of those areas that i have

to keep punching my way

through.

today starts a new month.

yesterday, i awakened with

tears on my face. i'm going

through some very tough

things. some wrenching

losses. are you? 

well,

we have to keep the

wheels of God's marvelous

grace rolling. and...

"tell it to Jesus. tell it to Jesus...

are you weary? heavy-hearted?

tell it to Jesus alone."

colson and i got disconnected,

phone wise. found each other

again.

"mom, i'm always thinking

of how i ran from my troubled

marriage. and i made a vow

before God that i would protect 

my wife until death. well,

she's back on the streets again,

and it may be a futile effort,

but i just want to be faithful to

what i promised God."

a second chance.

one. see what Jesus

can do with that .

just a thought for all of us.

as we approach thanksgiving

and Christmas...and a new year,

watch what Jesus is doing.

stay close to His side. please run with me.  

let's try to hold each

other up. be busy with the

vows we've made to God.....

and grow in the sunlight of

God's enormous, vast grace.

you can count on me

to do my best at your side.

p.s. jan is having back surgery

today. it's 5am. i've just spoken

to her. appreciate your prayers.

             colben, my babydoll grandson