gushing with God's love.

running the race for His glory.

with all of you at my side.

the wilderness comes and goes.

but God has amazing surprises that

restore us and keep the passion alive.

the sky sometimes darkens.

the holes we fall into can be very deep.

very hard to crawl out of.

but...God...glorious God.

He is our story. He is our joy. He is

our perfection in brokenness. He does

the miracles. He creates the music.

i know. i have lived long enough

to see the miracles.

to watch the sunrise.

to see the seemingly-impossible

live. from holes to mountain peaks.

i love each of you.

this is our Race.

the Runner we are following is

Jesus.

never give up. never let fear rule.

never take credit

for victories. never forget to praise

the One who forces the desert and wide, lonely

places to clash into honor and wisdom

and celebration.

love wins.

not judgement.

not pride.

not criticism.

LOVE.

today,

if you don't know how

you will pay the bills, or

how you can conquer your

addictions. or how one of your

children is going to make it.

or how to turn loss to gain...

I can promise you that, with God,

you can. i've run way down

the road...and i have seen
the victories and

heard the music shattering

our feeble faith.

God looks at our hearts.

He asks that we keep them with

all diligence.

today, i don't notice people's externals.

with my children, i care only about their

hearts. the rest is periphery.

"everyone who competes for the prize

is temperate in all things..."

"therefore, i run thus; not with

uncertainty. thus i fight. not as one

who beats the air. but i beat my body

and bring it into submission, lest, when

i have preached to others, i myself should

become disqualified."

I Timothy 4:16

I Corinthians 9:26, 27

on my most difficult days,

i remember you all are with me.

grab hands and never let go.

it is almost Christmas eve.
please forgive me for not communicating
with you, my fellow warriors and friends,
since right before Thanksgiving.
my first grandbaby, Colben William Anderson,
was born on Thanksgiving day. NOW, i know,
what one feels when your children have a baby.
something so beautiful and pure and...it levels
life out in some miraculous way. all of us...my other
sons and jasmine's brother and mother and i were
all with her through labor and delivery. yes, through
the entire process, we stood and watched this
unforgettable event.

this is such a difficult time for so many.
i have felt so deep under the waters of struggle
and concern that it has made me, literally, put
one foot in front of the other. telling myself,
"just keep moving." pain squeezes our ability
to remember what we have. we are so consumed
by what we don't have. none the less, pain becomes
a gift. it is by gulping a breath of air in the dark waters
of the soul that we realize joy when it does happen.

my book proposal has been sent to all
main publishers. several wanted to negotiate
immediately IF i would just write like the rest of
the world. with full punctuation. conforming with
all the other books in the store. as desperate
as i am for income, i just can't, overnight, decide
to do this. so i wait. wondering how God is
going to accomplish this process. i am so fiercely
open and vulnerable and unveiling that i just
can't decide this overnight. please pray re: this.

wherever you are, today, remember that there
are masses around you that are fragile and devastated
and almost paralyzed by the economy. or with
lost and prodigal children. no income to buy those
they love gifts. shaken by those that won't forgive
or need forgiveness.

this has been the most difficult time for me.
so i am especially touched by those who walk
by. moved by the pain i see etched behind their
half smiles.

Jesus says, "fear not!"
He reminds us that His arm is NEVER too
short to help us. His mercies endure forever.

please forgive this rough blog. from my
heart to this page. no matter HOW hard i've
tried to put together something beautiful for
everyone to read, i have felt too broken myself
to process it all. i love you all. we ARE warriors.
we will NEVER give up. for the King of Glory
will come in.

a beautiful, miraculous Christmas to you all.
i gave a beautiful, little, crippled mexican woman
my dryer.

"i pay you $50. that enough, missus."

"you don't need to right now."

"no, i pay you missus."

her nephews came in and carried
it out to her little red truck.

as she hobbled to hand me the cash,
her face shining, i said,
"elaudia, i won't take your money."

"yes, missus..."

"no, merry Christmas. remember Jesus
really loves you." and i hugged and kissed her.

i had $25 in my account. no idea HOW i was even
going to feed all my children coming home. stark terror.
i was reading in my room when i heard my cell phone,
and knew i had a message.

"ann, i just put $600 in your acct...for Christmas
or rent or whatever you need." mark and julie

$50 given away. $600 given back from God.
without me telling anyone of my seeming devastation.
so GIVE everyone. in whatever way you can. God
will NEVER let you outgive Him. i love you, ann.

forgive my whining and groaning
about the dmv, and flunking the tests.
oh, please forgive. today, i walked in,
went straight to the counter, no studying.
and passed. hands down.

forgive someone you know you have
a grudge against. make the real power
of the glorious Cross worth what Jesus did.

forgive your children. human and struggling
and losing their ways and trying to find themselves
maybe in all the wrong ways. without forgiving, you
cannot genuinely listen and love and be creative
in how you express their beauty and value to you.

and...
forgive yourselves.
i am ruthless with myself.
my failures and flaws are lined up,
side by side, stamped on the walls
of my closest and hidden places of
my heart.

a dear friend
told me the other night that
she covers for me when certain
people at the church are always
critical and judgemental of me.

why tell me that?
now i know i have all these people
who have negative opinions about me.
i slip into the service.
sit wherever there is a chair.
smile and greet a few people as i leave,
i have a few great friends there, but not
alot. why do people have negative opinions
of me? i don't vie for attention. make a scene.
it's so hard to have perspective with this.

i love that old song that pleads for sinners.
"just as i am,
without one plea...
but that thy Blood was shed for me...
oh, Lamb of God, i come. i come.

just as i am,
and waiting not
to rid my soul of one dark blot...to Thee
whose Blood can cleanse each spot...
oh, Lamb of God, i come."

when things get muddy
in our brains, and some things
run together and scramble our
perspective, know that deliverance
most often comes through forgiveness.

drawing so much strength from all
of you who love me and send me beautiful
words...love, ann

forgive my whining and groaning

about the dmv, and flunking the tests.

oh, please forgive. today, i walked in,

went straight to the counter, no studying.

and passed. hands down.

forgive someone you know you have

a grudge against. make the real power

of the glorious Cross worth what Jesus did.

forgive your children. human and struggling

and losing their ways and trying to find themselves

maybe in all the wrong ways. without forgiving, you

cannot genuinely listen and love and be creative

in how you express their beauty and value to you.

and...

forgive yourselves.

i am ruthless with myself.

my failures and flaws are lined up,

side by side, stamped on the walls

of my closets and hidden places of

my heart.

a dear friend

told me the other night that

she covers for me when certain

people at the church are always

critical and judgemental of me.

why tell me that?

now i know i have all these people

who have negative opinions about me.

i slip into the service.

sit wherever there's a chair.

smile and greet a few people as i leave,

i have a few great friends there, but not

alot. why do people have negative opinions

of me? i don't vie for attention. make a scene.

it's so hard to have perspective with this.

i love that old song that pleads for sinners.

"just as I am,

without one plea...

but that thy Blood was shed for me...

oh, Lamb of God, i come. i come.

just as i am,

and waiting not

to rid my soul of one dark blot...to Thee

whose Blood can cleanse each spot...

oh, Lamb of God, i come."

when things get muddy

in our brains, and some things

run together and scramble our

perspective, know that deliverance

most often comes through forgiveness.

drawing so much strength from all

of you who love me and send me beautiful

words...love, ann

today i went to the dmv.
you know. a BIG room filled
with dozens and dozens of people.
long lines. hard, plastic chairs.
numbers being called. over and over
and over.

someone,
looking at my driver's license,
said,

ann, your license is
expired. did you know?

usually, the dmv notifies
people a couple months ahead,
and you respond, and they mail
you a new license. same picture.
the man sitting next to me today,
at the dmv for a different reason,
showed me his driver's license.
now, partly bald and gray...with
his picture from twenty years ago.

i was only told today that i would
need a new picture. as soon as
they snapped it, and i paid my
$31, they handed me a written
test, and told me to go to a cubicle
and take it.

a TEST?
a CALIFORNIA driver's test?!!!
before i moved to california, i never
got anything but a perfect 100% on
my dmv tests. but...
here, they have seven different tests.
and if you miss more than three on one,
they give you a different sheet...clear
down to number seven.

i'm insecure about ALOT of things,
but not my intelligence. no! i'm NOT
brilliant, but can usually hold my own.

without a chance to even look
at a book, and study alittle, i was
handed a pencil and pushed away.
it didn't seem that hard, but all those
questions, and only three misses
allowed. and slipped inbetween the
easier ones, were these sneaky,
insignificant, benign and ambiquous
questions that had at least two choices
that seemed viable.

well, i flunked.
five wrong.
and i was not about
to go home and come another
day.

taking the paper book, i sat down
on the only chair in the entire room,
by a cubicle, and was madly combing
through the pages. making everything...
every little detail...stick. when,
suddenly, a loud voice said,

ma'mm!

i looked up.

yes, YOU! what are you doing
sitting in the testing area with the
study guide?

well, there were no other chairs, and
i was waiting for my number to be called,
and cramming for the test....

go to the over side!
did you hear me?
away from the testing area.

tears in my eyes.
do you have to scream at me?
i looked around, and EVERYONE
in the entire room was looking at me.

you are embarassing me.

and suddenly, my number was
called again. almost NO time, again,
to gather my thoughts.

in the end,
i failed all three times.
by one extra mistake.
i have to return, pay again,
and face my shame and terror.

and i plan to return TOMORROW.
after the gym tonight, i will study
that little book until i know it all.
and with great intrepidation, i am
praying that Jesus helps me.

"Jesus loves me,
this I know...
for the Bible tells me so.
little ones to Him belong.
they are weak, but He is strong..."

wherever you are today,
know that you are loved.
that we all fail. are all broken.
sometimes can graduate with honors
from a great university, and still
flunk drivers' tests. i love you. ann

proverbs 3:5-6

"my friend helped me FIND the lost blog..."

dear warriors,
my new blog vanished
from the screen of my computer.
in a second, gone. thrown out
by the complication of computers
that i am truly, mentally-challenged
by. my dear friend, debbie shea, will
try to find it. any one of my sons could
help me in a second. but every one of
my four sons is either doing papers for
classes or sleeping or driving to a
job.

so, i sit here at my computer,
lost and dismayed and sad.
take Jesus with you today.
remember to forgive. as i strive
to do the same. because forgiveness
is the essence of the Cross. there is
NO hope for any of us if we choose to
judge and hold onto our wounds.

"my friend helped me FIND the lost blog..."

dear warriors,
my new blog vanished
from the screen of my computer.
in a second, gone. thrown out
by the complications of computers
that i am truly, mentally-challenged
by. my dear friend, debbie shea,
will try to find it. any one of my sons could
help me in a second. but every one of
my four sons is either doing papers for
classes or sleeping or driving to
a job.

so, i sit here at my computer,
lost and dismayed and sad.
take Jesus with you today.
remember to forgive. as i strive
to do the same. because forgiveness
is the essence of the Cross. there is
NO hope for any of us if we choose to
judge and hold onto our wounds.