the heart.
everything is about the heart.
not how we dress. or if we have
wine before dinner or if we go to
Bible Study Fellowship. when my
children confide in me...when they tell
me their sins and failures...i remind them
that God ONLY looks at their hearts.

Jesus can tell everything about us just
by a quick glance at our hearts. what we
are thinking. what truths we understand, or things
that we still don't grasp about God. often, the
things people are so critical about in others
often deals with issues that haven't been
worked through, in people, but they are seeking the Lord
re: these. if, the heart is pure before God,
then none of us should be looking around,
gossiping and gabbing about so and so.

and if we have fallen into a deep hole...
if we have lost our footing and are temporarily
very troubled, God can check us out from the
inside. He can know the bent of our will. the
brokenness of our childhood. the things that
have bruised us and left us broken. He under-
stands everything about each one. He formed
us, with every detail and piece. He knows if
we are going through a terrible patch of stinging
hurts, and He is merciful and so kind.

people have different convictions. not everyone
feels the same about everything, and i don't think
any of us can decide for another what his or her
truth must be to follow Jesus.

"You are the light of the world. a city that is set
on a hill cannot be hidden.." matt. 5

our eyes should show His light in our hearts.
and they should always be filled with warmth
and kindness and compassion. always just keep
tabs on your heart. that is the whole ball game.
the entire deal. our hearts.

i've learned some good driving lessons
from my sons. i mean from the tickets they've
received.

brock was turning right onto a very quiet, open
street. no traffic, so he just sort of slid around the
corner. thinking nothing of it. suddenly, a police
car showed up behind him, lights flashing. he
received a ticket for not coming to a complete stop
before he turned.

i am always remembering that. it is very easy for
me to be in a hurry. alway making sure there is no
traffic, but thinking how easy it would be to just slide
around the corner and keep going. probably better
on the gas. smooth and quick and not interrupting
my pace. but i've always remembered brock and his
ticket.

following Jesus can sort of be like this.
just sliding around the corner. not noticing
all those around us. moving along in our own
thoughts and our own little world. sliding around the
moral issues. around truth and decency and
true forgiveness. just putting out the very least
we have to and still somehow believe we are being
enough for God.

run, warriors, run. but stop around every curve
in the road because there are so many people we
won't see otherwise. stop. listen. look. "be
silent and know...." that God is yearning for us.
for communion. for us to love the broken and
empty and lost. don't run so fast that you endanger
the desperate and hurt by leaving them on the
side of the road of life. we have a world to change,
and a glorious Savior to enjoy and sliding just
won't hit the mark.

"I created you and have cared for you. I made you...."
"I will be your God until your hair is white with age..."
isaiah 45-46 we love You, Lord. make us tall and
steady of spirit for Your world and for You.

it was four years ago.
i pulled into the large parking lot
where alot of stores(including grocery)
were. i suddenly noticed several policemen
with a woman in handcuffs outside the clothing
store. my heart started racing. that poor
woman. she looked around 45. very decent.

"oh, Jesus, touch her right now. just calm her.
what in the world, Lord? what should i do?"

i cautiously got out of my car, and headed for
the group. walking up to a couple of the police
officers, i said, "did this woman take something
from the store? did she shoplift? because i would
just like to pay the store for her. just cover it all
myself, and you can let her go. i am sure she didn't
mean to. maybe she is desperate. will you please
let me take care of it?"

the officers looked at me with the most amused
faces. i didn't understand. aren't we to be love
where we live?

"lady, that is really kind of you, but that won't
be possible. we have to take her to jail. but
thank you. i don't think we've ever had an offer
like this before."

i slipped over to the lady. i touched her arm.
just stood next to her for a moment so she
wouldn't feel so alone and embarrassed at
people staring at her.

"Jesus will take care of everything. He will.
just know that He loves you and He wants you
to know."

you and Jesus and i and love.
right where we live. building bridges instead
of walls. drawing the vast, hurting world into
the secure, strong, loving arms of God. beautiful Lord.

"there's room at the Cross for you.
there's room at the Cross for you.
though millions have come, there is
still room for one...there's room at the Cross
for you."

i heard something great.
when we confess our sins to God,
He forgives us. when we confess them to
others, He heals us. have i told you this before?

anyway,
for me it has been a challenge.
bible study fellowship asks some personal questions in small group.
celebrate recovery always only helps if i lay my
week's sins or failures or frustrations on the table.
i'm in the co-dependant group, and it can be pretty
embarrassing to still not be able to stand up for myself
in situations. and the 12-step group? well, that
has taken each of us to a more courageous level
of confession than, at least for me, i've ever experienced.

confession is unveiling all we're not.
peeling off our skin and exposing all our
crooked bones and mixed up wires and purple
veins of wrong-thinking and failure and sin.

growing up, i truly believed that if ANYONE knew
i had made anything less than an "a", they would
not like me. not want to be close to me. so much
of my entire life, i've tried to be so together and so
smart and so successful that i would never be
rejected. but i remember one night as a little girl.
my father had some old-timer come in and speak
on a sunday night, and he began to talk about all
his lacks. his many imperfections. his losses.

twelve years old, and trying so hard to be perfect
enough, i sat, in ponytail and flip-flops, spell-bound.
it was beautiful. courageous. honorable. i was only
twelve, but i knew that much. it took me so many years
of falling into so many holes and getting so lost until
i began to barely whisper to my sister and a few others
of all that wasn't in my life. of course, becoming addicted
to pain pills after so many baby losses and serious
infections, and going into rehab....well, you talk and confess
if you want to get well. and i wanted to be well for my
four, little sons more than i wanted air to breathe or
food or anything else in life. my love for them was so
deep and pure that NOTHING was too sacrificial.

one day, in group, in rehab., a guy said,
"ann, i've seen your little boys, and they are
beautiful, but i can tell you've f_____ with
their security." i let out a gutteral scream that
came somewhere deep, deep inside me and was
heard all over the building. leaving me gasping
in a sorrow so deep i didn't know how i could rise
above it. the staff later told me that when someone
can reach that deep, there is hope. i don't know whether
he went into recovery or not, but God sure gave me the
courage to crawl there, and be there today. so join me.
find others you can trust. and talk. be open. Jesus never
planned that we could make it just with Him. i'm
standing with you! you'll see what deliverance it will bring!

danae dobson, daughter of jim and shirley dobson,
emailed me about a movie they all saw that they give
a big thumb's up to: "the last ounce of courage."  i
think it is still showing right now, and though i've not
seen it, i'm sure from danae's words, it must be very,
very, very special. check it out!!

i have just been reading over so many comments
and loving words and recognizing names of friends
of mine from many years. i promise to spend more
time in facebook. i love you all. God's breath rushes
through me as you reach out and touch me. thank
you so, so much.

"to live is Christ, and to die is gain..."
so sorry. don't have time to find where
this is in my Bible. almost late to bible study fellowship...
but it is one of my favorite verses.

another brand new week.
sunshine and smiles and cheers
skipping by...and some fresh tears
and new problems possibly. back to
school and back to work and back to
all the victories and losses, and
ups and downs of living.

i have Bible study fellowship tonight.
i don't know about anyone else, but the two
pages of questions we are to answer nearly kill
me. they are tricky and difficult for me; not always
obvious, even after i've read all the Scriptures.

it takes a set of my will to answer the best i can,
and to spend enough time studying, and get my
body there. but i love the magnificence of God.
and the women i know and love there.

tuesday night is celebrate recovery as you all know
for me, and thursday night is my 12-step study. and
every single event is difficult to get to. to be on time
and prepared and out the door when staying home sounds
so much easier.

do you know HOW hard it once was for me to be in ANY
small group? i was terrified just at the thought. almost my
entire adult life, i have stood on stages and addressed large
audiences with the beautiful, miraculous stories of Jesus. of
me and my neighborhood. changing the world. most of the
audiences didn't know all my flaws and insecurities and failures
and imperfections. to be in a small group, it would be
inevitable, i knew, that others would begin to find out what
a broken person i really was. and what if they rejected me?
that was, hands down, my greatest fear because of the severe
rejection i experienced growing up in hawaii.

my childhood pain, i understand today, was a rare gift from God.
never did the success of my books and speaking mean anything
to me except i wanted everyone else to believe in dreams and
help bring Jesus to the world, too. i never felt superior, and i ALWAYS
knew that all my blessings weren't because i was gifted in some
extraordinary way. i just knew Jesus had to have put His hand
on me for some unknown reason, and every child i met and hand
i shook in an autograph line humbled and touched me. every
single one.

if you are lonely,
or battling a wrenching battle,
find a small group, or several, and you
will be amazed that when the meeting is over,
you will be revived and renewed. you will be
loved and others can stand with you, and pray for
you and your struggles. crush the noise of fear.
go! isolation is the worst if we are seeking fellowship
and love. if i could do it, so can you. i promise!!

someone asked me about colson.
and his marriage to christina. and taking
her little doll-baby, cami, as his own.

so many times,
i mean to write about this.
maybe it still hurts too deeply,
and some blind place in me forces me
to forget to speak of it.

two, very young kids.
christina stayed home with the
baby, and colson worked. they
both had issues. living close to her
parents, i can tell you they tried very
hard to help them, and i would go back
and forth. colson adored the baby, and
she, him. brandt and jasmine would drive
the two hours over, and put some money in
colson's pocket, and encourage them.

i loved christina.
she simply told me if she was going through.
personal struggles. never, ever tried to make me
think she was something she wasn't. i believe they
loved each other...colson and christina...but there
seemed to be too many hurdles to overcome.
they are separated, and in colson's heart (probably christina's,
too)it is over.

a life-altering piece.
in some way, tied together forever...yet
vows tossed along the sand and wind.
and the years will come and go, but this is
something you do not erase. i love them both.
ultimately, i pray every choice will lead my children
closer to the heart of God. even if they aren't always
right. please pray for them. i miss little cami lyn, too.