i make a list every night.
what needs to be accomplished
the next day.

well, today, i accomplished one thing
on my list because i had a friend who
needed me. all day. it is late. panera's
is really closed, but they let me hang out
until the last minute. i melted some cheese
in a little tortilla early this morning. we were
so busy that we forgot to eat.

anyway,
i have a friend's birthday on Sunday,
and maybe....just maybe...i won't get
to find a car until the first of the week.
time is a funny thing. it is called "waiting".

waiting for God's time.
for His perfect plan.

i have a difficult time waiting very long.
but i have been in this school for some
years now, and would never know Jesus the
way i do if i had not been placing one foot at
a time along this pathway call patience.

they are telling me it is time to leave
here. so i'm running. remember,
it pays to wait. God is in control.

last night, i received a call
from an unknown lady in ohio,
about a bill (i took care of it today).

suddenly, Jesus tapped my shoulder.
"speak to this woman about Me...."

i took a gulp. how should i approach this?
"ma'm, i want you to know i am a single mother
of four sons, and i just could never have made
it without Jesus. and for just as we've been speaking,
i feel God is asking me to tell you that whatever BIG
thing is happening in your life? well, He has it all
covered. all taken care of. that you can depend on
it. He's asking me to reassure you that He really IS
bigger than what you are struggling with."

"wow! wow....thank you. thank you so much
for your words."

i clicked off the phone.
my eyes shining. an ordinary
thursday. had been waiting all day
to see if Jesus had a job for me. i long
for these moments.

wow!!!
from me.
a woman reminding me i had a bill
to pay. the kind of call that gives me
shivers. anxiety. and out of the shadow
of doubt and charcoal rumblings, Jesus walks
in, and scatters stars and rainbows and balloons
and choirs everywhere.

be listening.
be watchful for a nudge.
Jesus is calling us in all kinds
of unexpected moments to touch
the world that has forgotten there really
is a Savior. a beautiful Redeemer.
yes, always room at the Cross for one more.

Jesus lives in a VERY big house.
with walls of windows, and redwoods
growing outside. those magnificent
trees that look as if they are brushing
the sky.

and somehow,
it just feels as if we all live together
there. you, my fellow warriors, and i.
we belong. we are bound by God's incredible
crush of love. all of us broken, but putting one foot
in front of the other on hard days, and once in awhile,
almost flying. with the wind at our backs, and the joy
and encouragement of each other singing in our ears.

YOU have helped ME so much.
all your love and beautiful thoughts.
AND the money you've sent to help for a
new, used car. i am so excited. i plan to go
to sacramento saturday, and have my brother-in-law
help me look. and i am just believing it will be.
yes, i am believing!!! and so excited.

my dear friends and neighbors,
who have allowed me to use one of
their cars every day, have roamed
around with me, seeing what we could find.

do you know what real grace is like?
well, you wait two-plus months for a car, and
you wait, and wait. and it is okay. but i know
when i get my own car, and don't feel i am
taking one of my neighbor's cars, i think it will
shock me at the tidal wave of relief and joy that
will come. grace is making it, and not realizing
HOW much God is helping us until the battle or
the need is won and met.

brandt had to wear an ankle monitor for three
months for stealing two little lighters at the drugstore.
as you know, when i found out, i called the police,
and he spent two nights in juvenile hall, and then
had the monitor put on so he could only go to
school. for my most social child, this was HUGE.
he never complained until the day they removed
the contraption from his ankle, and i was deluged
with his joy and gratitude and relief to have that
"thing" off. it had rubbed his ankle, and kept him
from friends. he tells me that is when he started
smoking. out his bedroom window, on the roof.
when i was running errands or out with the other
three boys. sigh.

anyway,
grace is what carries us in terribly hard
times. we just don't realize HOW vast and
great it is until the specific battles are over.
when we look back, it is truly amazing all
the Lord does to carry us.

thank you all that helped on my car.
as soon as i find it, i'll announce it.
celebration is just around the corner.

there is a beautiful, young woman i treasure.
she has four, precious children, 5 and under,
and is pregnant with her fifth. all of this, alone,
is a huge undertaking.

we had a long talk.
how does a wife stand with her husband,
and her parents who she also loves, and
still feel someone is looking out after her.

i'm crazy about her husband, and i
know he has her back. her parents are some
of my dearest friends, and they are trying to help, too.
in the end, this young woman is trying
to keep everyone happy.

i've lived my entire life trying to do that.
as a little girl, i've probably told you, i would
sing in the car if i sensed my father was unhappy.
which was alot of the time. you know, worried
about my rebellious brother mainly. and i
would start in....

"everybody happy?
say 'amen'...."

if my father wouldn't say "amen",
i would sing it again. becoming more
troubled and agitated.

"honey, i don't want to say 'amen' if i
don't really feel happy."

my mother would say,
"harold, just say 'amen' so
ann can feel we're all okay."

so....
begrudgingly,
my sweet, holy father would say, "amen."

today, i still struggle with wanting people to be
happy. otherwise, i somehow feel respoonsible.
that i'm not good enough or kind enough or worthy
enough. BUT, i am getting better. much better.
i have learned how to at least take a little care of
myself. i know Jesus wants us to do this.

now you know why i go to the co-dependant group
at celebrate recovery. smile. i have work to do.
and i pray every day for this extraordinary mother
with another one to come. that she will feel carried
in the loving arms of God, and lay her burdens down.

down by quiet streams and brooks with fresh water
trickling over the rocks.
close to the feet of Jesus. feeling His hand
on our shoulders. hearing His quiet words of love.
unsullied peace. may we all find peace today
wherever our wounds and hurts live.
and basking in His peace.

i am filthy from head to foot.
pink sweats covered in dirt. white
top, the same. i worked in a BIG storage
unit that belongs to a friend of mine all day.
her beautiful, 24 yr. old son and father also
helped. carrying things. stacking. tearing up
many boxes to toss. i kept a broom and dust pan
close at all times. tossing large bags of garbage
into the dumpster. so hot that i was completely
wet. from the inside out. but it looked amazing
when we were done (never stopped all day). and
it really was for steve, my friend's husband, who
parks his huge snap-on tool truck inside each
night.

we had so much camaraderie. we could laugh.
and many strong arms and clear minds help make
the process move so much faster.

you see, it is important that we help each other.
my friend, mya, a genius in my thinking, has been
helping me with a legal matter, and today was just
an opportunity to give back. to serve her.

when someone does something for us,
don't you think it is loving to do something
for them? well, i want to do as many loving
things for mya as i can. and for others around
me. Jesus says we are to love one another,
and i don't think He meant just everyone who
passes our way in the world. when we share
what we have with those we love, and who
know Jesus, too, it becomes a different kind
of adventure.

"if you help the one next to you..
and i help the one next to me...
we'll all work together,
in all kinds of weather....and
see what can be done!"

getting old is a journey you can only really understand
if you are there. old, i mean. your toes that once looked
so nice and straight and lined up. no bunions or crooked
ones. today, especially with all the thousands of miles of
running, i try in every way not to draw attention to my feet.

i have the same slender body. almost too skinny, in fact, even
though i eat anything and everything. the doctors call my heart
and state of health absolutely amazing. that's good. it is. BUT,
it doesn't replace the big knuckles on my fingers from arthritis (i guess).
my thumbs are the WORST from holding thousands and thousands of
books, and autographing at the same time. i no longer have my nails
done. it was NEVER one of my favorite things to have acrylics put on.
and today, too expensive. one ring on each hand. one from my
youngest son's birth mom; the other from my brother-in-law. so
i have old feet and hands.

then, there's your skin that just sort of goes south. i'm grateful
i don't have alot of skin, but my skinny thighs dimple in places
when i sit down (if i look). and my skin is so white. God has to love
those with darker skin more, don't you think? i used to get tan every
single week. i felt i was (and still do) alot more valuable with darker
skin. in the last eight months or so, i've been forced to write the
spray tan off my budget. when times get tough, the tough straighten
up and say good-bye to more glamorous things. this was the very
hardest to let go of. i wore leggings and little flats all summer to cover
all the white skin, and didn't even think of putting on a swim suit. i
work out in old sweats at the gym.

i can still keep pace with most anyone in the cardio area of the gym.
i can still hear God's voice, only much clearer today than ever.
i can know and understand His ways as i've never been able to
and i know my greatest job, aside from being what God wants
me to be, is to pray for my children, and inspire them to walk
with God today, i have seen the power of prayer in ways i simply
couldn't have comprehended at thirty and forty when my body looked
great in swim wear and there was no hanging skin.

and today really isn't about me and my accomplishments and
marriage and four, little, beautiful boys that consumed me. it is
all about worshipping the God of the universe Who longs for us
to spend more time with Him. my spirit is bright and my love
for Jesus deep. rooted far below the struggles and all the holes
i've fallen into. deep because of all the miles He and i
have spent together and all the times He's delivered me and all
the wrinkles He's ironed out of my life. i may be older, but i sure
wouldn't want to learn all the lessons already covered and all
the battles already fought and won. celebrate wherever you are in life.
and don't be afraid of growing old.
well, try not to be, even if it isn't a piece of cake.

i just love my 12-step group (9 women). we just seem
to be a perfect blend. and when it is our job to do homework;
to share our resentments and hurts and hang-ups; to lay them
out, piece by piece, before everyone in complete trust that we
will not be betrayed.... well, beautiful things happen. there is not
a squashed moment of distortion. these things are what we remember.
we are sharing some things we have never verbalized before. ever.
and no matter how awful and shocking some of our experiences are,
we never think less of each other...but more. it takes courage.
raw and unflinching. and it draws us together.
ropes of love and compassion that weave
around and over us. you just can't help but be changed.

i know i've told you about our group before, but i keep growing.
we now, often, sit side-by-side in church on Sunday mornings.
two weeks ago, two from our group were baptized together.
side-by-side.

and wonder of wonders,
i have all my bible study fellowship sheet done. and it isn't
even until tomorrow night! smile. i, like many,
don't do our research and study until the last
couple days. working until the very last minute.

for some reason,
i don't have a perfect record of being on time
to everything. 5, 10, 15 minutes late, and i twist a small
smile, and make a pitiful excuse if i bump into anyone, and
go on. my dear friend, tere, a hard taskmaster, believes it shows
no respect. especially if it is a church service. that God expects
better of us than this. i am coming around to believe she is right.
maybe it is something many of us can work on??

i've started getting dressed first thing in the morning.
completely pulled together and ready to go out the door in
case of any emergency or tight schedule, and then i work on
mail and bills and laundry and other things. you see, i could
just live in p.j.'s. the minute i walk into my house, every day,
even if it is just for 2 or 3 hours, i still strip and put something
sloppy and easy on. so this first-thing-in-the-morning, new
practice is quite a step forward for me.

well, i'm rambling. i want you to know that i haven't personally been
as involved in my facebook as i should be, but things are changing.
i want to know what is happening in each of your lives. see new pics.
connect more intimately with you. i tried to start last week, and facebook
refused to accept my password. what was that about?!!! got so discouraged,
and it became late, and a friend was picking me up to take me home
(someday, again, i know i will have my own car. someday. i just know!).
so this week, my longing to do this is going to be worked out so i can.
oh, i've read all your incredibly-touching words, just not responded one-on-one
for the most part. please pray. as you know, i not very technical.

have a beautiful week,
and always remember that Jesus is all the world to us!!