my dear friend, tina, in ohio, sent
me a cd called "10,000 reasons"
it is utterly magnificent!

"and i worship...eternal hallelujahs
to the King...for He's higher than we
ever could imagine. closer than our
eyes could ever see. He's magnificent.."

last night,
sitting in my p.j.'s.
i sat in my beautiful car...in
the dark...midnight..with this cd on.
my arms lifted. tear-covered face.
worship. worship. forever sing to the
King.

i ran by the pharmacy to pick up my synthroid,
and cheryl was helping
behind the counter. i was donned in
skinny leg jeans and a high ponytail.
my blue eyes glistening like sapphires.

"cheryl, are u a Christian?
i mean...it doesn't matter because i
love u either way. but...i am. and i've
been listening to a CD in my car.
it says Jesus is higher than the heavens..
and closer than our eyes can ever see.
that He's magnificent!" tears brimmed
my eyes.

i picked up my script.
"i love you"!
"love you too, ann..."

and i headed for celebrate recovery.
the second time in the day to speak
of Jesus. anorher to a really nice
muslim at at&t.

there are two things, among many
mess-ups, that i think i have done
right with my sons. i understand
the heart...and i have shown them
grace. grace for every hole they fall
into (oh, my entire life has been falling
into holes!). may grace fill us. may
judgement and criticism, like boils,
dry up a d fall away.

magnificent God.
love is ALL You are.
teach us, Jesus, teach us
how to love.

enlarge my heart, Lord.
stretch it wide open.
unveil to me my secret sins. thoughts
i do not even realize i have that
corrupt my moral judgements...
and the things i say.

enlarge my vision, Lord.
lead me beyond the crushing
burdens and sorrows..and the pressing
influences of the secular mentality...
and into Your vast and warm heart
of love and quiet peace.

i so love You, Lord.
if there ever was a servant who loved and trusted her Master,
may i be that one. may You consume me.
may i cry out in joy to You every time a
shadow starts to darken my path
so i will know hope instead of fear.
light instead of darkness. radiant trust
rather than consuming worry.

yesterday morning, i helped taylor
make a casserole of sorts to enjoy
when he gets hungry...and i prayed
with him. what an incredible time we
had for four days. laughing and
eating ice cream and talking about
life, and how it all falls into place with
God. one day at a time. we thought
about the kind of girl God could bring
into his life to marry....and his dreams.

i drove away, after hugs and kisses
and 'i love you's'...with tears in my eyes and
joy in my heart. thank you
all for your loving words on my blog
and facebook. for celebrating my joys,
and embracing my many inadequacies.
you all touch me and feed me hope every day.
i'm loving my new (used)
car, too. just enjoying every minute driving it.

yesterday, colben, my little doll-baby grandson, turned two.
celebrate the beautiful pieces of your life today, and
let Jesus carry your burdens.
and please know that i really care about each of you.

"let not your heart be troubled..or afraid."
so much push and rush and noise.
so many people you feel you must
make happy. dollar signs and inadequate incomes.
crowds and long lines and the last item grabbed
off the shelf just in front of your eyes.

i've been in israel at Christmas to run
the israeli marathon. the quiet, humble,
little town of bethlehem. intimate.
a sea of stars wrapped around the intinacy of
generations in a seemingly-common, but holy
corner of the world.

"oh, Lamb of God, i come. i come."
come to Your sweeping heart of love.
to Your kind smile of acceptance.
and forgiveness and compassion.

take over my Christmas season. all
the sad and difficult pieces.
the pressure i place on myself.
help me, in all of this, to seek You as never
before. to bury my face in Your wide
lap of forgiveness....and hear the angels sing.

i spent one more night with taylor.
getting ready to leave. i know i'll cry.
i just can't help it. he's my son, and
i treaure him so. like my other three.

i love you all.
my struggling comrades
of this glorious faith.

i have always known that God
was magnificent. that He NEVER fails.
that He ONLY cares about our hearts...
and not so many things that people
attach to that.

it is the INTENT of the heart.
and...yes, we get lost and fall into
holes and have to be rescued by the
vast sea of God's glorious love. but
God's Blood is for the heart.

today..i head home. oh, i hate to say
"good-bye" to taylor. my first-born.
with his piercing, blue eyes washed
and glistening from his earnest core.

we have talked about everything.
in 3 wks. he'll have his film presentations
splashed across the big screen,
and a film degree under his belt. with alot of
biology and chemistry thrown in.

he doesn't have a steady girl right now.
we talked alot about God's choice. we
had more ice cream. both of us needing alittle extra weight.
and we bought some things, and took them all
back. ate left-overs for dinner. the
children and i have lived with so much
loss that we all think the police are
going to come and haul us away for
insufficient funds. at any moment.

to all of you fellow warriors,
look for my ponytail as we run.
or my blue eyes smiling on you for
all you are to me and to Jesus. and
ALWAYS be watching for broken
people lying along the way.
oh, may Jesus take our eyes off ourselves
so we can see them. and have a cup
of cold water ready. in His Name.

always...only...ALL for Him.

taylor did it.
with a beanie on his head
and a pea coat to stay warm,
he headed out to best buy and
black friday. the 40-inch, samsung
television for $169 was gone. that was
what he had his eye on. he does not
have a t.v.

i wasn't brave enough or young enough
to want to brave the elements. but
was awake at four a.m. when he returned.

life is often like black friday.
bundled-up excitement for the things that woo
us..and promise great surprise... only
to disappoint and dash our expectations.
the devil is the liar of all liars,
and a master genius at manipulating our
thoughts and desires.

i love the verse...in isaiah:
"a bruised reed He will not break.."
pour light into your wounds. sing in the darkness.
grab someone's hand so you don't feel alone.
and know that Jesus will hold you together no matter
how hard life tries to break and bruise
you.

thank you for all your continuing
comments of love. of kindness.
let's ask the Lord if we can be neighbors in
Heaven.

with taylor. thanksgiving.
just us...but we have planned
everything that are our favorites.
homemade mashed potatoes.
turkey. green bean casserole.
and dressing with cranberries.

someone is treating us to be together
at Christmas. it has been so long.
such hard, hard years. very hard.
Jesus has taken notice of us. glorious
Savior!

"though the fig tree may not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines; and the fields
yield no food; though the flock be cut off from the fold,
and there be no herd in the stalls yet...
i will rejoice in the Lord,
i will joy in the God of my salvation."hab.3

i love each of you so. holidays can be dark for so many.
i know. i have been
there. still must work on my fears.

just remember...though the worst-case scenario...
Jesus reigns. Light shines.
music blows melody to sad longings.
Jesus reigns. allelujia.

re-entry.
after all the love and adjulation
and celebration at my alma mater
university.

re-entry
into the real world.
where i contacted a serious
sinus infection. food poisoning.
and pink eye.

walked into my little house alone.
a bag to unpack. silence. yes...from
love pouring over me to reality.

re-entry means returning to the
real world. bills. details to cover.
life. it is a challenge. such a huge
shift. resiliency is a reality that we
always must keep adapting to in
this challengeable life.

how i love you all. your loving hearts.
your prayers. the way you stand
by me. thank you all for keeping me
on this straight, narrow path called life.

"how can it be that Christ, my God
shouldst die for me."

"amazing love. how can it be.
that Christ, my God shouldst die me."