just to keep it straight, 

my hair was borderline

disaster. and i always want

to look my best with my children.

but..it ended up

being brushed out, and into a braid

at the nape of my neck. with a

thin, white-stretched head band.

i didn't even know what i

had brought to wear. so i wore

plain and some design tights.

and long tops, layered. and

started drooling in nordstrom

over a pair of uggs. last ones.

in violet/purple. the newest

color for 2014. the ones with

glitter. this may sound really

ghastly to you, but with my long,

lean body, i think it works.

to the sales man, i asked if he

could just hold....

"no! sorry to interrupt you, dear.

it's a policy of nordstrom's....."

blah. blah. i couldn't make such

a decision. $200. the children.

then.....

up walked taylor and colson.

"mom! do you like those? do you?"

my eyes began to shine.

to become luminous.

what was taylor hinting at?

he has a big, new job. videographer

at post-graduate naval school,

but he has all his college loans

to pay off, and....

"sir, i'd like to buy these for

my mother.."

colson was grinning. he had

to work all night, but he's in heaven

with all of us together. and i was

now speechless. at that moment, 

every light in this store

went out. complete blackness. 

just two or three minutes. 

but it just added to the glory and surprise

and excitement of one of my children doing this for me. 

i've only taken these uggs off to sleep.

literally.

then, i received perfume. and

brock bought me two, darling, long

sweaters (to go with tights).

sacrificial for my sons.

it blew the sun across my face

and made my bones shake with

delight i can't even articulate.

we each had an orange julius.

we held hands walking through

the mall tiers. just so grateful

that Jesus would make a way

for us. and it was just us,

no one else can ever really know

what we've lived through. i took

6-7 pictures. again, pictures...

anything except Jesus and His

grace....just got lost. forgotten.

there were two girlfriends in

the party, but the kids were
more focused on our family because we

were so hungry to simply absorb

our love for each other. my eyes

are wet with warm emotion, 

remembering.

not perfection.

an aging mom with a sad, 

broken year under my belt.

and fine..such handsome...sons

with their own hurts and sorrows.

and over and over, so many

clerks behind counters that i

shared Jesus with. tears welling

up in eyes. their brokenness.

so obvious. confessionals

behind glass counters. happiness

has blossomed in my soul again.  

what i've lived through the

last twelve months has planted

a compassion so pure and deep

inside me, for others, that i have

a beautiful, new garden

blossoming. a fresh, sweet aroma.

your love and prayers have

done it. you carried me, prayed

and cried with me.. and utterly

embraced me. jan thanks you so,

too, for including her.

you assisted God in lifting her

off a sick bed to be with her husband and children

Christmas day.

"hallelujah! what a Savior!!"

sitting at the bar counter

of a hamburger hot spot between

southern methodist university and

the george w. bush library where

colson has worked. on brock's

days off from bank of america,

he's here. taking orders. tending

bar. all four of my sons are hard

workers.

tomorrow

is the end of this party of

love and vulnerability and

laughter and hugs. 

we go to our separate cities and states and

jobs and worlds. and...

go to work at the 

ominous job of addressing

our sins and failures of 2013,

so we have some thoughtful

insights on making 2014

a more peaceful and holy year

for God's glory.

the most sobering day of my life

every year is new year's eve.

am i farther down the road with

Jesus than 12 mos. ago? what,

with God's help, does God expect

of me in 2014?  how does He

want me to run the Race?

never have i been more excited

about a new year...as i am today.

to step across the chasm of such

pain and despair. 

to know God is pouring courage through my veins,

and into the bloodstream of my

soul so i won't be afraid to face

myself in every area that unveils

my mass of shortcomings. i

want us all to grab hands so we can

stand steady and firm together.

can you already detect

some pitfalls? rocks...boulders..

strewn along the race course?

are there areas you know will

have to be faced before you

can be fully used of God?  just

some things to consider as we

approach the new year.

oh, i always hate saying "goodbye"

to my children. truly, you can't imagine 

how much fun we have

together. colson opened the car

door, this morning, and got in before

he realized it wasn't taylor. scared

colson and the man half to death.

and, yes, taylor and i took him

directly to the optometrist, and

lenses are being made.

the angels came.

the choirs sang.

Jesus wrapped us

in His arms, and washed us

with love. He spoke to our

little family, and bound the

chord of love and trust even

more tightly around

us. we are restored in the

magic of His grace and

magnificent love.

"we are marching to Zion.

beautiful, beautiful Zion...

we are marching onward

to Zion..the beautiful city of God."

taylor

brock

colson, taylor

Christmas, 2013

over. behind us. most trees

are still lit. children's eyes still shining.

the voice of silence, however, is

stepping back into malls and busy

sidewalks...and especially the decibels

of noise pounding in our brains:

how can i stretch the money?

what should i give...small gifts...to

my children?  knowing hurting people,

and doing the best i could with what

i had.

it's been the best Christmas,

ever,

for me.

maybe because i've

dwelled in such pain and anxiety

all year...and when i watch the complete

devotion and love of my children for each other....

and treating me as if i were a million, sparkling lights

on the horizon. how could anyone not feel as if

i'm dancing on the sunrise?!!!!

please forgive my failure to do blogs.

i was bathing in the waters of Heaven.

my children were full of surprises. i mean

special, genuine love....and all your best

wishes ... and comments....and giving

made me know you would truly understand.

taylor, brock, colson, brandt and jasmine and colben

and i all send you the most heart-felt love and gratitude.

my sons LOVE to see people love me. truly. when i speak

to them about my blogs...how inadequate and imperfect

they are, but that you all so care that even if it's a bad blog

day...or days....you've stood with me. on Christmas...and

through today...when i tell them, their eyes become so large

and luminous. their faces break into looks of wonder. wide

smiles. that is how i love you. the way they love me.

Jesus, the Christ child.

"higher than we ever could imagine..

and closer than our eyes can ever see...

He is magnificent...." 10,000 reasons

Christmas eve.

"and the sky was bright

with a holy Light...

twas the birthday of

a King.."

courageous, for me.

i drove to monterey,

via san jose. brand new

routing. three-plus hours.

seeing one of my children

always takes my breath away. like

a gulp. a gasp. has taylor grown

a few more inches? and 

those chiseled, upper arms.

smile. mothers!

we fly out today..

for dallas, texas..where two

more sons are. two more miracle

wonders.  oh, may Jesus come

to us. may we hear the choirs

singing. and literally see the powerful love

the Christ child can

bring into a family. or friends now

alienated.

pain, given to Jesus,

can truly provoke sunrise and

miracles. the more stark the pain,

the wider the vistas of blessing.

my greatest failure this past year

was not praising Jesus enough

in the shadows. my garden needs

to be better watered. the weeds

pulled.

"though millions have come,

there's still room for one

there's room at the Cross

for you.."

i love these verses

from "The Message":

"you're blessed when you are at

the end of your rope. with less of

you there is more of God and His rule......" and

"you're blessed when you're content

with just who you are...no more.

no less. that's the moment you

find yourselves proud owners of

everything that can't be bought."

tomorrow is Christmas eve.

almost the end of another year.

so many struggling people. a couple

whose heat and electricity were

turned off. phones that were being

disconnected. i did my best to help.

doesn't Jesus tell us to do that?!

but the most riveting experience

was a father who lost it, and,

in the end, called his truly decent,

beautiful, teenager some terrible

names because he is out of control,

and feels pretty awful about himself.

i was with his lovely, ex-wife,

and arrived at the house shortly

after. here was this strong, grown

man. screaming and storming

around...and then, i noticed he

was crying. weeping.

"i hate myself. i know i m

wrong. i just lost it!" and he

spoke this to me by name.

"ann..." over and over berating

himself. ravaged by failure and

self-hate.

maybe you feel differently,

but it broke me, and began to

cover any judgment i had because

he was humble enough to confess

he was a "jerk". wrong. way wrong.

that is what i want to say to

you: if i crossed the line in what

i said about will, my husband...if

i was unkind and demeaning, and

should have kept quiet, i take

responsibility. if i've moaned and

groaned and pulled you down

all year by my excruciating struggles,

i humbly beg for mercy...

and forgiveness.

will and i had so much wrong

with both of us. but i know if

he were alive today, he'd be

telling husbands and fathers

what he saw and learned the

last five days of his life. 

he was always, from day one of our marriage,

confessing he was a

pharisee. it took me a lot longer

to really see my own deep holes

of illness. i was faithful...truly loved will
and he loved me...i just know and
was utterly faithful, too.

when i write my blogs,

i am always trying to think of

where most the world is...and are

enough people being vulnerable

about their weaknesses and

horrors and dark places because

that is what i'm willing to lay on

the line. so you won't feel alone.

isolated.

loving people.

that is the essence and

core of who i am. and knowing

Jesus is the ONLY Hope. longing

for others to not miss Him. there

is not a drop of good anywhere

else in me.

my children are the rising

sun and soaring eagles. the

afternoon breeze and every

rainbow that has ever shown

itself when the glorious sun

breaks through the rain. they

are everything. i used to be

so proud of their successes..

and i still am, but i'm radical,

down in my soul, about their

walks with Jesus. we are so

bonded. so knit together, but

i want to make sure that is what

they are with Jesus, too.

i love you all so.

a beautiful Christmas to you, 

inspite of how little or much you

have; how tough the Race.

Jesus!

He is Who i want.

the One i long for. His Word

in my heart. please...yes..forgive

the year of maybe saying too

much about pain. for not being

"happy" enough. i promise to

try and lead you to higher peaks

in the year to come. you are the

world to me.

a week from today is

Christmas. 

last night was celebrate recovery, 

and i bumped

into one of my favorites there

who i hadn't seen in a long time.

  

"mary, where have you been?"

"in a dark place. very dark....

for about six months."

some degenerative disease in

her neck. hasn't worked all this

time. her eyes not clearly focused

from medication. she was telling

my story.

. 

another young mother diagnosed

with breast cancer. recovering

from a hysterectomy. six, young

children.

no Christmas shopping yet; the

rent hasn't been completely paid,

and the husband is on the job at

6 a.m. every morning.

this morning, i received a text

from a great friend. i refused to

cry.

"ann, get happy again..and healthy

so you can go on our next trip

with us.."

i felt terrible shame that you

all have had to share my year

of dark pain. have prayed and i

contemplated dropping the blog

many times.

2013.

not my best year.

but i've learned heaps of

compassion. with each one who

passes my way, i've studied their

eyes. often, a tear will, with no

invitation by me, slide down

one cheek. my passion for

broken people has become immense.  

i understand it all 

better. what Jesus feels. what

led Him to die for us.

jan, with worsening cancer.

physical pain and foot surgeries

that made my feet worse..by far...

than previously.

i lost a beautiful friend my children and i adored.

i feel sad for all of us..

I wasn't stable enough to bring

someone new into my life.. i see all kinds of

things i should have done differently, 

the magnificent Christmas carols.

the wonder of the shepherds and wisemen.  

the birth of baby Jesus.

the Prince of Peace. the Redeemer

who not only delivers us from ourselves,

but all the brokenness that an evil world deposits

into our lives.

"how silently...how silently..the

wondrous Gift was given...our

Lord, Emmanuel."

feel the crisp, night air.

see the shepherds and wisemen

as they follow the Light. hear

the sweetest sounds on earth....

a newborn baby's whimper. the Christ-

child of the earth.

the lights are getting brighter.

my hope is hanging from the

limbs. the joys and carols

are wooing me. the cold ice

and wind are unfolding the

magnificent glory of a briliant,

great news.....Jesus lives.

oh...yes sir....and with Him

comes the sound of His carols

lifting hope that warms the cold

nights..and broken, fighting

survivors.

"oh, holy night, the stars are

brightly shining.....

it is the night of the dear

Savior's birth."

i love you all.

the sadness is being

eclipsed by the giggles of

young children. let's set our

sights on the victories. of the past,

and the miracles of the tomorrows.