i fell into two coma's, back - to-back
before entering rehab. it took both of
these to make me understand i had a
problem. and, every day,

we had to say our names and what we
were: addicts or alcoholics or both. several
times a day. i hated this routine bacause i only
believed i had become dependant on pain pills.
i was NOT an addict.

i realized everyone drank coffee and smoked.
i did neither. i was freezing and losing weight
i didn't have to lose. i smelled nicotine in the
carpets and the food and clothes and hair.
i have never smoked one cigarette in my life,
so the pungent odor gave me extreme nausea.

my body ached. hurt so badly. all over.
i didn;t sleep for 12 days. took at least
three hot baths a night just to get through them.
my higher power was Jesus. for sure! absolutely!!!
but almost all others were like foreign gods.
stones and crystals and electricity.

everyone had it out for me in group therapy.
they REALLY got to my core one day when
they said they felt sorry for my children because
i was such a "bad-ass" mother. a gutteral
scream rose from my deep, inner core, and
i was left gasping, in tears, to keep breathing.

let's wrap this up tomorrow....

the children were so sweet. they
loved california. everything looked brand
new compared to chicago where will and i and
the children lived.

without herb and dona, nothing would
have changed. they loved will, but took one
look at me, and knew something drastic was
happening in our family. herb called will,
and simply told him they had sent us somewhere
and would not reveal farther than this. to this day,
they are still some of my closest friends. because
of them, i am here today.

i had a few pills in my purse.
pain pills. the holiday was finally
behind us. and jan, my twin sister, flew out
to take care of the boys while i went into a detox/rehab.
center. a nice one. every penny put on the table
by herb and dona.

i walked into rehab. and absolutely knew God had
put me here, and i wouldn't walk out until i was free.
there were no options for me. i was now a single
mother (legally separated), and if i REALLY loved
them the way they deserved, my feet had to be on the
ground and my mind clear. they deserved everything good.

most addicts and alcoholics have wandered in and out
of these places, and knew the routine. this was brand new
for me. when the nurse told me i needed the "BIG BOOK",
i looked at her with a frown on my face.

"you mean the Bible"?
"no. you know. the BIG book!"

it took me a week to figure that out. i mean, i was
in japan or china or russia because no one spoke
english.

more tomorrow. thank you for your responses and love!

it was 1996.
on this week-end.
that my four sons and i,
sent by some of my dearest
friends, herb and dona, flew
to fresno, california. NO ONE
was home. the world had
disappeared.

the children were 7, 8, 11, 12.

they sent us here because there is a Christian
counselling center. link care.
our plane was met by jonathon olford,
and we were dropped off with a key in hand.
an apartment link care had.

i was absolutely terrified.
the shag carpet was dirty and ancient.
no car. 105 degrees. alone for the long
week-end. the children and i all slept
together in one bed the first night.

being addicted to pain pills after years
of miscarriages and abdominal infections and
16 major surgeries, i had NO idea where this was
going to take me. the thought of withdrawal
naturally setting in with four children and steam
rising from scorched asphalt, i literally gulped down
my constantly-rising fear, and foremost, to keep
calm for the children.

i have never liked this long, holiday ever since.
and will tell you more tomorrow. my journey
from hell to heaven and beyond. in some ways,
it seems like yesterday.

today,

memorial day,

i ran into walmart to pick up

some cold drinks.  hurry.  hurry.

and i blindly walked past a dishevelled

guy in an old wheel-chair.  i went

around the back of him because i just

couldn't face another poor guy, with

a sign of needing money.

 

when i came out of the store, i felt

i couln't ignore this guy.  so...

 

i walked up to him.

heading for the car, and hoping he

wouldn't take advantage of me, and

lie for money for more alcohol or

drugs.

 

he was waving a pitiful, old american

flag.  a veteran of some war.

 

"are you hungry, sir?"

"oh, i am always hungry...."

 

"well, what sounds really good to

you right now?"  i smiled. no agenda

with me, but genuine love and concern.

 

"i love fish sandwiches from mcdonald's..

yeah, those are the best!"  and he smiled

and licked his lips

 

so i told him i would go, right then, and get

him one.  when i got to mcdonald's, one

just didn't sound like enough, so i ordered

two.  upon return, he was sitting right there.

  

i pulled over next to him and handed him

his meal.  and he thanked me.

 

"this will last me for today."

 

"what is your name, sir?"

"jim...."

"well, hi, jim.  my name is ann."

 

"do you know Jesus, jim?

i mean really, really know Him?"

 

"yes, ma'm, i do.  i sure do,"

"well, if you know Jesus, then you

can make it through anything. He

sent me right to you to remind you that

His eyes are on you, and to not be afraid.

no matter what."

 

i walked to my car

and was suddenly struck

with Jesus's words about feeding

the hungry and caring for the broken,

the poor.  the weak.

 

"Jesus, when did we ever see

 those hungry

or naked or in pain?"

 

and His response was,

"when you care for these, you are

caring for Me...

 

"God loves you and i love you

and that is the way it should be.

God loves you and i love you and

that is the way it should be."

 

keep watching for Jesus to put

people in front of you.  keep watching.

He will because we are the only arms of

love and kindness He has to work with

on earth.  please don't forget.

 

one more memorial day passed.

thanks to the troops from multiple

wars.  thank you.

my broken rib still hurts,
and i have a black eye and
an egg on my forehead....to
go with it.

yesterday, i went to
panera's to start back to
our chats. i was terrified that
my face would scare everyone.
so i put on one of my most beautiful
dresses. pulled my hair back in a
pony tail, and slipped inside, hoping...
praying that people would admire my
dress and almost forget to look up.

i found a little corner tucked away.
and pulled my computer out. everything
as usual except i couldn't get panera's
internet service no matter what i tried.
truly...it was sooo hard that i wrapped
everything up. slipped out the side door.
drove home in tears. put my night-gown
back on, and slept for an hour.

i miss my children. oh, i miss them.
if you could just see them and hear them
when they talk to me with love soaked in
their messages. i'm lonely for them.

yesterday just turned into today.
my bruises look better and my rib
feels better, and it really is the truth
that life gets better and better and
harder and harder. i love you all, and
Jesus does...and that is enough for today.

the day of chuck's service,

the sky was magnificently painting

slabs of wide blue over our heads.

it was the morning choir reminding all

of us that God was alive and ready for

the day.

the cathedral was magnificent.

chiselled like crosses.  pristine

in its design.  i was seated nearly on

the platform because i was with ann.

the pipe organ burst into music.  some

of my very favorite old hymns like

"Great is Thy Faithfulness".

eulogies by two daughters.

both well-done.

i had to suck up my emotions

because everyone else was in a wild,

celebratory joy that chuck now had

Heaven to embrace.

had only minutes to speak to cal

thomas.  does  your newspaper carry

his column?  they should.  seconds,

literally, to say "hi" to my dear friend,

wes pippert.  there was a private reception

that ann and i completely missed because

the concierge took my bag and put it in

the wrong car, and their bag in ours.

we raced back to georgetown inn.  got

it corrected, but by then the private

reception was over. great for us.

was spending a few minutes, alone, with

patty, chuck's wife.

evening came. the sky turning dark blue

as it folded its hands and turned morning

on.  

the wind is kicking up again.  i hear an owl.

dry leaves everywhere.  and i paid homage

to the great man we named colson after.

not an easy trip.  but life will never dress-up

in 'easy'.  now, it's time to keep the journey

of my soul and hang on to my children's dreams

and do the laundry.  

i can hear the wind

pushing pebbles and sticks

and noise and chaos... almost

enough rhythm to start up the band.

to blow the horns and tap the drums

and march to the cadence of 

Heaven's choir.

i often used to sing a little song to

children in my neighborhood...and abroad:

"lonely voices crying in the city.

lonely voices sounding like a child.

lonely voices come from busy  people...

too afraid to stop a little while...."

i travelled from san francisco to washington, d.c.

to bid farewell to chuck colson via the memorial

service.  tears fled from my eyes, and down my

soul, and i longed for one last chat.  one more

letter.  another message.  just one more. tomorrow

i will tell you a few moments that God DID give me.

it feels so good to be back with

all of you.  we follow in the wake of

a noble warrior that God decided had done

more than enough service for the Master.

the wind in the trees becomes quiet.

and gathering storms howl out the message

that even in loneliness, there can be joy.

Wondering where Ann has been? Ann has been out of town attending the memorial service for Chuck Colson in Washington, DC.  When she got back home she cracked a rib playing with her grandchild. Please pray for Ann and expect to see her back and blogging here soon!

from 3 or 4 years of age,
jan and i had one dream only:
to be mothers.

we lived with our dolls.
had pretend husbands.
loved...loved...babies.

we babysat.
even at the big Hawaiian
hotels where cabs would
pick us up and deliver us home.

jan married 11 years before i did.
i was travelling the world. running
marathons. and longing to change
the world. at 35, will and i started
right away to have a baby.

so many miscarriages. devastating
losses. every month, our hopes raised,
and every month, they were shattered.

and then, four, beautiful, southern, educated
birth mothers....alot like each other...handed
us our sons. i was the labor coach. will and
i were in the delivery room. and God gave us
a newborn, a 6mos. old, a 2 yr. and 3 yr. old.
not all at once, of course.

four birth mothers who became dearest friends.
four boys who became brothers. and i, the
adopted mom, who taught my children that
their birth mothers were angels and stars
and heroes.

today is mothers' day.
call me love. call me joy. call
me the richest lady in the world because
i get to be the mother of four sons who
love me and look after me and love me.

and i, them?
they are my morning sky
and my afternoon sun and, along
with Jesus, the only reasons i get up
every day with a sense of hope and promise.

whatever their successes and achievements,
my only REAL desire for them is that they love
Jesus and plant a touch of His magnificent love
and Redemption into every heart they can.
without Jesus living in them. i have failed.

"my desire to be like Jesus...
my desire to be like Him....."
paint the hydrants red.
throw a rainbow across every child's face.
and remember, children are gifts from God.
i celebrate Him and my four children and their
families today with a song in my heart. you, too!
okay?

"lonely voices crying in the city...
lonely voices sounding like a child..."

alone. utterly isolated.
no one to lean on.
to wrap their arms around.
people striding by; rushing .
absorbed in their own thoughts.
troubles. maybe angry.
maybe you?

"lonely voices...too alone to
stop a little while...."

"sir, can i help you with
the groceries?"

"little boy, do you want to play ball?"

"hey! do you want to talk?"

this is our world. spread far apart.
the sky of our longings so far above
us that we don't know how to stretch
our yearnings high enough to pour the
warm sun into our hearts.

i so want to love the world better.
to watch children laugh and play
ball and know everything is going to
be okay because Jesus CAN do that.
He can do ANYTHING!!!

i saw someone smile.
at ME! my whole world laughed
and i stood up. standing straight.
and tall and for the first time in a long
time, i really felt i was worth something.
admired.

ho, every branch that waves.
every time the sun warms our skins.
ho! "all you are yearning , come and
be glad..."

it's 6 a.m.
i'm at a coffee shop by jan and tom's
in sacramento.

new day. new possibilities.
fresh hope. promises of sunrises.
how could we go on without these?!

pray for jan.
she's very discouraged.
is anyone the same after cancer?
even when you are in remission?

fly to washington d.c. next week for
chuck colson's memorial service.
we live...and then, at God's destined moment,
cross over to eternity.
i hope my life has counted in some way like
chuck's did on me.

the sky is clear.
the sun is up.
people are passing
on the sidewalk in front of this window.
life starts early every day. when i ran ten
miles a day, i left at 5:30 a.m. for my ten-mile
run, and was bathed and in my office before
half the world was even awake. i liked that.
but i'm really not an early-morning person.

today, i pray you will feel the breeze on your face.
that you will see God every where you look.
that His peace will fill you. every crack and crevice
of your souls. that you will smile easily at all who pass
your way. that absolutely NO one will look into your faces
and not see the love of God.

find joy. in little things.
like a child skipping by. back-pack in tow.
innocence in every smile.

don't think anyone is below or above you.
you are exactly where God has you, and He
NEVER values one of us more than another.

and know i truly love you.
some, sight unseen. i love you because
you are. and, like me, imperfect every day,
but knowing Christ's vast love covers it all.
take my hand, and never forget that we are
all running this glorious, hard Race together.
and that's how we make it. each helping the
other. i love you all. look for the miracles.
they are coming!!!

noise.

trucks. cars. sanitation vehicles.

everywhere there is a little, hole-in-the-wall

restaurant.  vietnamese.  japanese.  sandwiches.

pastries (my terrible weakness).  bikes whizzing by

and engines honking for everyone to please take

notice. and move or get hit.

 

i look for people to catch my eye so i can smile.

you know. NOT flirt.  just put a little warmth in their

eyes. warm their hearts. feel a sliver of goodness

seep inside their souls where there is so much pain.

 

so much pain.  but hidden. at all costs.

covered.  but hearts are limping. shuffleling.

chilled and torn up inside and an ache that

can take any of us to the very lip of catastrophy.

 

this is a busy city.

sacramento. and i am sitting in a

coffee shop. facing the windows.

i've lived long enough to know all

our pain and defeat and victories and joys

are shared. 

 

"...He grew like a tender shoot.

   holding on to a dirt root...

  despised by others. rejected by all..."

 

just the physicallity of where and how Jesus

grew up.  plain and unnoticed. scoffed. ( Isaiah)

 

i don't know how anyone..especially i..could be

so courageous.  so bruised and pushed around.spit

at. rocks hurling.  forget the carrying of a huge, rugged

Cross.  a crown of thorns.  nailed.  talk about His

road.  the dust and heat,  trying to just to do His Father's

business.

 

for all the people walking by this window.

for you. for me.  think of His journey.

"in our lives, Lord, be glorified.

be glorified..."

 

glory. glory. glory.

  

p.s. i'm going to chuck colson's memorial

service in wash. d.c..all because he lived

a glorified life for Jesus.

 

 

 

 

affliction! thinking again
about that . whoa.....that
word is HEAVY

to be afflicted in a world that lays
every odd on the table to be well.
to keep our affliction silent. a secret.

raise your hands. remember!
raise an arm, hands spread out.
nothing being held
back.
"i see...i see...i plunge
and oh, it cleanses me.
oh yes it does, it cleanses me"
old hymn sung as a child.

God kisses our afflictions.
tells us just to keep our eyes
and fears on Him. He died for
the afflicted.

remember. love is all there was and
all there is and all there will ever be.
pure; love.. like water rushing over
rocks. cascading into water falls.

cleanse us with clean water, Lord.
"the cleansing stream, i see, i see."

washed against a hot, weary sky
of burdens and struggles.
always hoping...pleading
that somehow we can grab onto a
root of a miracle and hang on for
our lives.

i'm talking about single mothers everywhere.
and i mean...walking the sidewalks, searching
for a job ; to standing all day at subway, making
sandwiches usually without kind words from the
people streaming in. praying...every single day,
that Jesus will somehow make a way for us one
more month.

mothers are the souls of children who hover close.
nothing is impossible with a worn-weary mother.
you get that?!!!! mountains can be levelled by
one look from a single mother. we are fierce.
inpenetrable . will fight all the lions and wild
cats if need be to make it. no...to make sure
our children get a fair shot at life.

i can smell a
single mother a mile away..
the way i hear them walking.
shuffeling along. damp hair from
who knows. yes, put me in a walmart
or a bus stop or someone cooking at the atlanta
airport. every hair on my neck stands up.

yes, waiting for the light...any piece of
promise that will keep them and their children
surviving another day. moon, pull in close..right
where we can see you slide across the horizon.
big, wide moon. the way we call out to each other
to keep singing and praying and holding on to the
root of dirt. still, against all odds, yeah for single
mothers.

i just happened to take a glance online

(something i NEVER do except facebook.

in BIG LETTERS, it said ann kiemel and

husband divorce.

hmmmm.

who would come up

with such a salacious lie as this?

i don't think anyone who is married would say

it's a piece of cake.  for me, it was, hands down,

the hardest thing i ever did.  somehow, by Divine

grace, will and i clung to our vows made before

God,  and only in the last five days of his life

did the children and i feel really loved by him.

a tornado swoops in.  we are all hiding in the

bath tub together.  praying for the Lord to

save us.  tornadoes rip through our souls,

and carry carnage through our veins, and puncture

wounds so deep we cannot stop the bleeding

of pain and resentment..

i do not think that Jesus abandons those who

are divorced.  He may "hate divorce", but He

is sorrowed by many things beyond divorce.

we are all broken.  

all of us have shadows we wish weren't

there.  but...

blow on the trumpet.  hit the drums.  get

the organ going.  Jesus is our Husband and

Father. everything..every failure, every lost

place...it is ALL covered by the Blood.  all

of it.  so now we will sing and celebrate.

it doesn't matter what others think of us, it

is ALL about what God sees when He sees

pure hearts.

i was speaking to about 5,000.

maybe more.  all my books to sell

were right behind the auditorium on the

other side of the doors.  there was so

little space to work with for me.

 

shoving and pushing and a rather high-

pitched demand to get to me.  i felt the

surge of the group. i  didn't look up

for fear goliath would over-take me.

the lady helping with the books had

some agitated moans.

 

suddenly, a voice yelled out:

"who are you anyway?!  i think you

are a phony.  a really bad phony."

 

now, i looked up.

this young man's face was roaring red and

his body was literally pushing between others to

get as close as he could.

 

i became very quiet.

looking at this bitter man.

 

"i'm ann. and i sin every day..and

maybe along the way i make more mistakes

than i realize.  i need you.  all the help i can get

to help the world know Jesus.

 

will you please forgive me?  and pray for me?

i'm doing the best i can, but not close to perfect...."

 

this man's eyes bored into mine.

and i stood, unmoving,

 

suddenly. he slipped through the crowd.

all eyes remained on me.  appalled and offended

by this character.  but i wasn't.  if i'm doing what i

should for Jesus, not everyone is going to like me.

they surely didn't like Jesus.

 

the Lord is powerful and strong.

and worthy in all His ways, and

the weak and forsaken and broken

fly to Him for grace and Redemption.

 

put your running gear in place.

give the Lord all your afflictions, and

let's keep moving toward the celestial city

where Jesus and many others are waiting.

 

and the morning mist and afternoon heat

will teach us and guide us day after day after day.

 

still thinking of the loss of chuck colson.

one honorable pure warm and passionate

man of God.  pray for his family at this time.

love, ann

 

i have just spent six days

taking care of my grandbaby, colben.

one year old.  ringlets all over his head,

and full of loving mischief.

 

every night, i bathed him and shampooed his

hair, and it was a perfect deal breaker re: his

going to sleep.  we love each other.  i act half-

crazy with him.  don't care what anyone thinks,

my head just flies off;.  brains and sensibility and

whatever protocol there should be. i could care less

what anyone thinks.  only the beautiful reward of his

laughter and giggles and little games that are just

between us. 

 

one night, i was in a hurry to get the bathing routine

out of the way, so i got into the tub, and lifted him in.

have you ever thought how beautiful it is that a baby

looks at you as if you are heaven itself, and doesn't

even know the imperfections of an old body.   for him,

i am perfect in every way.  i pour water over his head.

we laugh.  then, i lift him out.  and myself. and wrap

each of us in towels.  put a gown on, then proceed to

slather him with baby lotion in every crack and crevice,

and put his jammies on.

 

oh, i love this baby.

and i just bend over in pain at the

thought that anything would ever harm him.

 

babies don't care, or even notice, if we are

high-fashion models or 66yr. old grandmothers.

no flaw is significant.  they are searching for love.

little, new people who just want to be gently loved

and hovered over and fed.  wouldn't it be

beautiful if we all were like this?

 

that we never looked across the room at

someone, and walk in another direction because

we see a handicap person or someone that looks

like the dregs of society.

 

Jesus says that when we look and care for

"the LEAST" of these, we are serving Him.

it is as if the hungry and poor and needy are

angels , and God is just checking us out to see

how solid and pure and humble our love for others

"the least of these" really is.  these are the ways God

checks our hearts. 

 

oh, i just want to be watching and searching for

the seemingly "least", because then i know that

i truly AM making a difference in the world as God

has asked us to do.

.