i made it.

like you.

today.

Jesus is enough.

His arm is never too short.

"oh, my soul, bless God.

from head to toe, i'll bless

His Holy Name. He heals your

diseases. every one."

"God makes everything

come out right. He puts victims

back on their feet..."  ps.103

stop loving the world?

never!  this journey of mine

has opened many doors

for me to talk about Jesus. is

there anything more intimate

than curling into God's heart?

the ONLY One Who can save us.

the great Deliverer.

pain is a magnificent gift.

if we let it be.

if we swim in the

waters of testing ...and don't

doubt what God can do with

brokenness.  

where is your pain?

what are your fears?

what disillusionment haunts

you?

i have beautiful, amazing sons...

but trials in all their lives. maybe 

four foot surgeries is exactly

where i am to be. set apart.

removed. to pray for you.

for my sons. to face myself.

we are all running to win.

let's see what the next course

is. the Race yet to be conquered.

pray on, dear friends.

pray. cry out.

i'm counting on you.

returned from hospital

yesterday.  friday. large

incision on hip where bone

was removed for foot.  my

foot cannot touch the ground..

no weight...for six weeks. my

bones had never fused, so for

seven months, i've walked with

bones separated. not once

in the hospital did they medicate

my pain enough for relief.

"as the deer pants for

streams of water, so my soul 

pants for you, my God."  ps.42

Jesus!..Jesus....

all those running this

glorious, oft shattering

Race of life You have assigned

us....as a choir, Lord...we sing:

"as the deer panteth

for the water, so my soul

longeth after Thee..

You, alone, are my heart's

desire, and i long to worship

You...."

"You, alone, are my

Strength; my Shield...

to You, alone, doth my

spirit yield...."

i can hear the drumbeat.

the marching band of God's

mercy for us all. stay the

course. and when you are

washing dishes...or driving

down the streets...or picking

up groceries, and you think

of me....

pray.

cry out...

i can't imagine

making it otherwise.

i love you.

thursday night.

two days since my surgery.

a beautiful, single mother

of six stopped by the

hospital. Jesus stops by just

when we can't make it any

longer. 

He walks through the door.

sits in a chair. His Presence

through any humble servant

quiets the storm. i sobbed all

day. before wheeling me into

surgery at 5p.m., this doctor had

a sense of gaiety.

"remember, doctor, to align

my toes..."

"no! i'm doing one thing:

getting rid of your pain.."

none of my bones had fused

together. the fourth surgery in

less than a year, and he breaks

this news to me. i should

have pulled out the i.v.....and

run for my life.

please, please pray.

as terrified as i am, my eyes

are fixed on Jesus. i will not

be denied.

thank you for all your prayers.

oh, bless you. everyone who

prays. who posts notes. who

contributes to my ministry...

you feed my joy...and cause me

to dance in the darkness.

i'm hanging on to every

thread and button of Christ's

robe. mulling God's Word

around in my brain and spirit.

we WILL overcome.

oh, yes.. we will overcome.

yes, we will!

all the good wishes..the posts...

filled my heart with hope and

comfort and gratitude and joy.

i pass them on to jan...and we

will keep everyone posted as best

we can.  with such love....

september 22.

it's my birthday!

it's my birthday!

but jan and i are not self-absorbed

on birthdays. we grew up twins, 

and who could give a party?  my

mother felt it was asking too

much for people to bring two

gifts. however.......

when we turned 16,

my mother threw her hands

in the air....and with radiant face...

announced: "we are having a

PARTY!!"

invitations went out. oh, the

smells that wafted through the

house.  nothing could wipe out the

sparkle in my mom's eyes. it was

a birthday royalle. 16 years.

the children and i have a

friend who is very close to us.

and debby is her name.  she

creates all kinds of glorious

events. for the family.  laughter

and tears when we get to see

each other. she orchestrated someone to come get me.

by plane. and because taylor is

in california, he was

chosen. my major foot surgery

is tomorrow.

and since i seem to fall on

my face with these feet, his presence has been essential.

i've eaten six bags of gummy

bears...and the rest is too embarrassing to mention.  but

fun?  it's been spectacular.

new pajamas and toasty, heavy

sweatsuit....and skyping colben.

we fly back to sacramento tonight.

staying with jan. taylor back to

monterey..tomorrow.  and i to

the hospital.

mountains rise.

trees sway.

roots are yanked out.

the world stops.

the surgeon walks in.

and another year dances before

me. fire and flood and surprise

miracles. four sons that make

courage burn in my soul.  and i

have the privilege of continuing

being a warrior at your side.

philipians 4:6

thank you for your prayers tomorrow

ann, debby

ann, taylor, debby

nestled in seattle.

just days before surgery.

taylor came along. a good job

anywhere?

film work? computers?

just checking opportunities

out.

i had one last consult with

a doctor for my feet. i was ready

for him to do the job that

afternoon. and it's my birthday

week-end.

"I have seen, His ways,

but I will heal him.

I will guide him and restore

comfort to him...creating praise 

on his lips.

"I will heal them."

"then your light will rise in

the darkness, the Lord will guide

you always....

He will satisfy your needs in a 

sun-scorched land....

you will be like a well-watered

garden, like a spring whose

waters never fail...."

isaiah 58

Jesus prepares us for the

journey...straightens the lines...

puts love, spilled out, into

our brokenness. calls us to

wars of the soul. promising

faithful camaraderie.

on

monday,

i will need all He will give me

for the foot ordeal. i know you

will be with me.  finally, the

grace is moving in.

let's go to war...

with the Cross of Jesus...

going along to serve righteousness.

"He is wooing

us from the jaws of distress...to a

spacious place free

from restriction;

to the comfort of your

table laden with choice food."

"i waited patiently for the

Lord...He turned to me and heard my cry....

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of mud and mire;

"He set my feet

on a Rock

and gave me a firm place to

stand.

"He put a NEW song

in my mouth

a hymn of praise to our God..."

psalm 40:1-3

hallelujah! hallelujah!

our rivers run. the sun rises

over the troubled corners

and fears of our lives....and all

we really have that is stable

and solid. is from Him.

our Savior. our Guide. the Rock

amidst the warrior battles.

i can't walk very well...

but taylor is here. and debby.

brock is back at work.

brandt is studying for his emt..

my doll-baby, colben, will

soon be three.

and colson's second job at

wal-mart is flying.

for me...

for you..

keep our hearts

with all dilligence.

fellow warriors,

let's just keep running

the Race. our hearts turned

toward the Savior. rugged

days...sometimes..and

cold nights. but the joy

of living with the eternal

view. souls set free. delivered.

with promise...and hope.

you may wonder why

i so seemingly, without

regard, shared about brock

and his dui. he and i talked

about it. as a family, we've

wanted to open ourselves.

to show the world we aren't

perfect...and the Christian arena,

included...is full of brokenness.

but Jesus covers it all.

is mighty over all...and His

life is all about this. He lives

for the brock's of the world...and

the rest of us with our own issues.

warriors must overcome.  must

fall.  pay the dues. get back up.

never lose your vision. and

every time we fall...and get up....

the self-respect grabs hold.

the juices start stirring....and

fresh God grace energizing our

vision.

victories have so much to do with

failure. they are locked, hand in

hand with the other.

"wonderful the matchless

grace of Jesus. deeper than

the mighty....rolling sea...sufficient

for you and me."

racing to catch a plane to visit

debby.  please forgive me for

constant verbiage on my feet.

surgery is scheduled for this coming monday. 

more complicated

than before. a 4-inch incision

in my pelvis  ... to place on foot...

in hospital several days. i wept.

ran all errands in p.j.'s.  no matter

what anyone thought.  terrified of

the horrendous ordeal it is.  softly

begging the orthopedist to please

say a prayer.."i don't do that!"

he responded...."but let's shake on

it!"

jan is doing well.

Jesus becomes, in the

most astute of emotions,

truly the "Rose of Sharon"

and my Comforter, Defender,

and worthy to serve on His 

marching warriors.

wherever you are,

the One who promises all,

gives all.

don't live behind your

perfection, but your struggles.

everyone identifies with those.

"God is for us."

all of us.

makes no difference where

we've been. where we are. what

we've done. good or bad.

Jesus will always be for us

when no one else is.

it is 2 a.m..

had just awakened 

to go to the bathroom

when my phone rang.

i'm a single mother of four

sons. in their 20's. a 

phone call can change

everything.  a lifebeat into

eternity .

it was brock.

my second born.

oh, i cherish..adore..love

this punk music lover.  no

one with a sweeter heart.

academically gifted. yes, he

lives with his girlfriend. regardless,

i treasure her.

"mom, i've just been given

a dui. i knew i shouldn't be

driving, but i wanted to get

home to kristi.  no accident.

i was just pulled over. please

call kristi.  i don't want to

spend the night here. maybe

30 days.  i want to take this

like a man, mom. i made a very

poor decision. pray for me, mom.

done!

accomplished .

i never lecture my children

in these moments. the last thing

they need. going to bed, i was

trying to set things in action for

my feett surgery, but something

else very important has just 

taken momentary top importance.

God had me post that picture

of brock and kristi.....preparing

us to pray.  to be ready. if your

child is hurting, so am i.

please always know that.

i ask for your prayers for my

family. we will all be standing

with brock, trying to make

the right choices.  without

question, we watch each

other's backs. and run..fly..

into the arms of God

"I, even I, am He who comforts

you..."   isaiah

"from the first day that you

set your heart to understand. and

to humble yourself before your

God, your words were heard."

book of daniel

Jesus knows.

He cares.  uh-huh.

that our entire hope is in Him,

our God.

the rivers run cold.

the nights can hollow

out a darkness that can make

you shiver and shake.

but our mighty Warrior

never leaves us or forsakes us.

will keep you posted.

the broken heart of a devoted

mother.  love,  ann

the Bible speaks of "the beautiful feet of those who serve the Lord.."

well, my feet aren't physically

beautiful.  in fact, after three

surgeries, with another scheduled,

i am too shy and embarrassed 

just to get someone to paint my

nails before the surgery. 

Jesus is speaking to me.

He is feeding me courage and

self-respect. running so many

marathons. calling out to thousands of people,

"God loves you.  He wants to   

make a way for you. never give up..

He lives for you in all your pain."

and i would squeeze their hands,

as i'd pass them along the

courses.

i have run hundreds of thousands

of miles for the glory of Jesus.

there is so much power in just

speaking His name.  the world

longs for truth.  people want

deliverance.  freedom from sin.

soak your feet.  

ask God to send you where

someone is desperately waiting

for Jesus to come by.  Jesus

knows just where the hungriest

are. the most broken.

i was so disappointed in myself

yesterday.  please forgive such a

shallow blog.  talking about myself.

often, i am the thirstiest of all.

the most weary and sad.  but

not yet...not once in my life...have

i yet felt abandoned by God.

let's get our running shoes out.

put on warrior gear. be grateful

for a patient Savior. let's join

hearts and hands....and

keep running

"for the joy set before us...

for the joy, He endured the pain..

for the joy He suffered the shame..

and He'll do it all again...."

for the joy set 

before us.

the joy.

yes...the joy...

we are running

for the joy.

have you noticed how good it feels

to laugh out loud?  to feel whole and

complete around someone?

i went to the dentist today.

an office full of darling technicians.

young. vibrant.  my hair isn't

being washed until tomorrow.  i

pulled on white tights, and a long, 

white top...with silver sandals.  the

office is maybe only six miles

from where i live.  there was a

day i could have pulled on running

shoes, and headed out the door.

a piece of cake.  peanuts.  no

effort....and run my way there.

i desperately need to have my

eyes checked. an implanted

tooth put in.  BUT, i'm so brain-

deprived when  it comes to

directions that i crawl back through

the front door and stew over

everything.  

to hide my embarrassment,

i brush my hair out.  pull it into

a ponytail....with a headband

that says "blessed" in gold letters,

and drive around, praying for

directions.  academic honors

and achievements everywhere,

but stark terror of getting lost

inspite of a gps and a smart

phone.

the nurses and assistants

in these offices love my style

and tiny figure, but laugh

hard.  giggling at how askewed

and unsure i am.

the unabashed humor that lures

me into their arms and lovely,

stretched-wide hearts brings

healing,  and threads foolishness

into gaiety and sparkling-clean

joy.

Jesus wants us to

mount seemingly-impossible

mountains of despair, and

help Him conquer our nasty, 

hard conquests. that His glory

will be made known.

"isn't the love of Jesus

something wonderful??!!"

let's go out today and show

the world how beautiful and

true His magnificent world

really is!!!

drenched with early thursday

morning beginnings.  my heart

dancing with expectation; chewing

on the beautiful, strain of choirs

in the diistance.

oh, Lord...

oh, Lord...

glorious is Your Name.

i went with my friend to

return jewelry she had bought

at dillard's...the best store in town.

it had all been purchased for

an eighty-plus-year-old aunt.

our eyes caught some costume

jewelry we liked.  she is stunning

peruvian; i, caucasian..and the

lady behind the counter, hispanic..

my friend and i were giggling..and

picking our favorite bracelets and

headbands. 

"are you sisters?"  the clerk

asked.  absolutely no innuendo

in voice or smile.  as if no difference

in color of our skin or eyes.

"no..great friends God brought

together."

i want my friendship with Jesus

to be like this.  bonded. trusting.

filled with goodness and kindness.

nothing that can tear us apart.

"the Lord is for me."  ps.118

somehow,

communicate

even to complete strangers

today...that you are for them.

that's my goal; often 

by big, shining smiles and

glistening eyes.

 "oh, to be like Thee.

oh, to be like Thee.

blessed Redeemer...

pure as Thou art.

come in Thy brightness..

come in Thy fullness.

stamp Thine own image

deep on my heart."  chorus

let's run, warriors..

with soul and every Divine crumb

of love...we can find.  making

music that is light instead of

dark.  thst builds bridges instead

of walls.

the close

of another

Sabbath.

the glorious reality

of a wide-spanned sky, 

and  

september warmth

that peals forth the reminder that

from the first week of human 

creation, God set aside a sacred

day to celebrate, forever, that

He lives and reigns and changes

everything.  

"isn't He wonderful? wonderful...

wonderful...isn't Jesus, our Lord,

wonderful?!  eyes have seen.

ears have heard. it's recorded

in God's Word...isn't Jesus, our

Lord, wonderful?!"  (old chorus)

i stick pictures of my children

in so you have visuals of them. and

can help me pray for them.  i

wish you could know brock.  you

would treasure him. has two,

full-time jobs...and can play a

mean bass.  i know he's into

punk music.  has a nose piercing,

wears pale eyeliner...and loves

tattoos, like his girlfriend.  i

really pray over these things,

but God keeps reminding me

of his beautiful heart.

and time.

that sometimes,

it takes a lot of years for

all of us to grow.  especially for

me to truly care about the things

that REALLY matter to God...in

my children.  not where brock

is...but where God is taking him.

weeks are just flying by.

too fast.  i'm getting older

with every breath.  today, i

wept...and talked to Jesus

about the yearning i've always

had to be more like Him.

more like Him....

tomorrow...than i was today.

for people to feel so much more

significant after we've passed

each other in the grocery store.....

than before.

that demands that i think a lot

less about me, and much more

about others.  i think it sounds

much simpler than it really is.

well,

brave warriors.

we are running against

the wind.  there are times

i just want to quit.  but....

give up? 

NEVER. EVER.

you and Jesus and i and love.

one moment at a time.

this is our goal. our song.  

the hard, cold music of

victory at any cost. the battle

cry for God's love in a very

broken world.  push on.

push on.

brock and kristi

there are some dangerous,

harrowing moments along

the way.  you can open the

door and peek out.  pull the

curtain aside, and take a

quick glance. but the investigation

must be swift.

i've spoken of this before.

gummy bears and klondike bars

and licorice. then, cupcakes (jan has extra frosting rolled on), 

and rather large, baked pies,

cut into generous helpings, and

packaged.

i have been addicted to neccos

and bagels topped with flavored

cream cheese.  because i'm a

pain-pill addict in recovery...or

someone else is into meth, we

are cautioned always to be aware.

on guard. careful.  i know the

weapons are subtle. sublime, and

the devil begins, at a very young

age, to seduce us.  to gently

pull us over the line.  he's slick.

quick.  addictions consume. slowly

at first...then, suddenly, we are

owned..possessed.  and it's a war.

"oh, thank God....He's so good!

His love never runs out.

ALL of you set free by God. tell

the world.........how He freed you..

in your desperate condition...you 

called out to God, He put your

feet on a wonderful road.."  psalm 107

tell the world.

God spoke,

and we were healed.

the latest...the last...catscan

assured my specialist that my

bones in left, back foot...never

fused. that is why i cannot

walk without pain medication.

oh, i fear the chiselling of bone

from my hip...and the painful

recovery...but nothing scares

me as much as coming off

the pain medication. nothing!

"You are higher than we

ever could imagine.....and closer

than our eyes could ever see....

You are magnificent...You alone are

holy."   10,000 reasons

oh,

it's ALL about the Blood...

every sweat drop.  every puke.

every second of crawling skin.

each long, dark night watching

for early dawn....

'how precious is the Flow..

that washes white as snow...

no other fount i know...

nothing but the Blood of Jesus."

if you can't seem to get it down.

if you fail over and over and over.

if you long for the sweet, liquid

taste of deliverance, but your

teeth carry bitter gall...

Jesus still loves you.

He knows a different Love.

He knows our hearts.

He gets it..

and He has power.

only trust HIM.

brock and kristi
my punk music kids

can a mother forget the infant

at her breast...walk away from

the baby she bore?

"but even if mothers forget,

i'lll never forget you...never."

"trust in God.

lean on your God."

"all who are serious about

right living...and committed to

seeking God...i teach you how

to talk...and personally

watch over you.."     

early morning.  daylight crawling

silently over the dip of the horizon.

labor day, 2013.   i'm trying to

take care of jan... very ill.  all her

family is out of town.  

me?

i'm hobbling on one foot.

yesterday was brandt's

25th birthday.  brock had a

concert.  and got colson in.

both live in same city. i've met

so many people.  jan and i

have been evangelizing hospitals

and doctors.  please pray for

all taylor is doing.

i want to be like Jesus.

so many questions.

people with such different

points of view.  do you ever

wonder who has figured out

the perfect life plan

that would perfectly please God? 

the thought of caring for the

bruised and broken and destitute....

but good people without the Lord

do this. and i try to.  but that's it.  a

part of following the Lord. 

maybe never raising your voice,

and arguing and never using

your mouth to gossip and criticize. others.   

but..we're all broken.  

Jesus

says that all who simply come

to Him can be saved.

many come just so they can feel better
for awhile.  

no!  i'm running to Jesus our LORD.

running. feet flying. i mess up

so much.  get discouraged.

Jesus, do you see me?

run warriors.

take all of Him.

embrace Him.

Let's find our freedom.

our deliverance.

His way.