just to keep it straight, 

my hair was borderline

disaster. and i always want

to look my best with my children.

but..it ended up

being brushed out, and into a braid

at the nape of my neck. with a

thin, white-stretched head band.

i didn't even know what i

had brought to wear. so i wore

plain and some design tights.

and long tops, layered. and

started drooling in nordstrom

over a pair of uggs. last ones.

in violet/purple. the newest

color for 2014. the ones with

glitter. this may sound really

ghastly to you, but with my long,

lean body, i think it works.

to the sales man, i asked if he

could just hold....

"no! sorry to interrupt you, dear.

it's a policy of nordstrom's....."

blah. blah. i couldn't make such

a decision. $200. the children.

then.....

up walked taylor and colson.

"mom! do you like those? do you?"

my eyes began to shine.

to become luminous.

what was taylor hinting at?

he has a big, new job. videographer

at post-graduate naval school,

but he has all his college loans

to pay off, and....

"sir, i'd like to buy these for

my mother.."

colson was grinning. he had

to work all night, but he's in heaven

with all of us together. and i was

now speechless. at that moment, 

every light in this store

went out. complete blackness. 

just two or three minutes. 

but it just added to the glory and surprise

and excitement of one of my children doing this for me. 

i've only taken these uggs off to sleep.

literally.

then, i received perfume. and

brock bought me two, darling, long

sweaters (to go with tights).

sacrificial for my sons.

it blew the sun across my face

and made my bones shake with

delight i can't even articulate.

we each had an orange julius.

we held hands walking through

the mall tiers. just so grateful

that Jesus would make a way

for us. and it was just us,

no one else can ever really know

what we've lived through. i took

6-7 pictures. again, pictures...

anything except Jesus and His

grace....just got lost. forgotten.

there were two girlfriends in

the party, but the kids were
more focused on our family because we

were so hungry to simply absorb

our love for each other. my eyes

are wet with warm emotion, 

remembering.

not perfection.

an aging mom with a sad, 

broken year under my belt.

and fine..such handsome...sons

with their own hurts and sorrows.

and over and over, so many

clerks behind counters that i

shared Jesus with. tears welling

up in eyes. their brokenness.

so obvious. confessionals

behind glass counters. happiness

has blossomed in my soul again.  

what i've lived through the

last twelve months has planted

a compassion so pure and deep

inside me, for others, that i have

a beautiful, new garden

blossoming. a fresh, sweet aroma.

your love and prayers have

done it. you carried me, prayed

and cried with me.. and utterly

embraced me. jan thanks you so,

too, for including her.

you assisted God in lifting her

off a sick bed to be with her husband and children

Christmas day.

"hallelujah! what a Savior!!"

sitting at the bar counter

of a hamburger hot spot between

southern methodist university and

the george w. bush library where

colson has worked. on brock's

days off from bank of america,

he's here. taking orders. tending

bar. all four of my sons are hard

workers.

tomorrow

is the end of this party of

love and vulnerability and

laughter and hugs. 

we go to our separate cities and states and

jobs and worlds. and...

go to work at the 

ominous job of addressing

our sins and failures of 2013,

so we have some thoughtful

insights on making 2014

a more peaceful and holy year

for God's glory.

the most sobering day of my life

every year is new year's eve.

am i farther down the road with

Jesus than 12 mos. ago? what,

with God's help, does God expect

of me in 2014?  how does He

want me to run the Race?

never have i been more excited

about a new year...as i am today.

to step across the chasm of such

pain and despair. 

to know God is pouring courage through my veins,

and into the bloodstream of my

soul so i won't be afraid to face

myself in every area that unveils

my mass of shortcomings. i

want us all to grab hands so we can

stand steady and firm together.

can you already detect

some pitfalls? rocks...boulders..

strewn along the race course?

are there areas you know will

have to be faced before you

can be fully used of God?  just

some things to consider as we

approach the new year.

oh, i always hate saying "goodbye"

to my children. truly, you can't imagine 

how much fun we have

together. colson opened the car

door, this morning, and got in before

he realized it wasn't taylor. scared

colson and the man half to death.

and, yes, taylor and i took him

directly to the optometrist, and

lenses are being made.

the angels came.

the choirs sang.

Jesus wrapped us

in His arms, and washed us

with love. He spoke to our

little family, and bound the

chord of love and trust even

more tightly around

us. we are restored in the

magic of His grace and

magnificent love.

"we are marching to Zion.

beautiful, beautiful Zion...

we are marching onward

to Zion..the beautiful city of God."

taylor

brock

colson, taylor

Christmas, 2013

over. behind us. most trees

are still lit. children's eyes still shining.

the voice of silence, however, is

stepping back into malls and busy

sidewalks...and especially the decibels

of noise pounding in our brains:

how can i stretch the money?

what should i give...small gifts...to

my children?  knowing hurting people,

and doing the best i could with what

i had.

it's been the best Christmas,

ever,

for me.

maybe because i've

dwelled in such pain and anxiety

all year...and when i watch the complete

devotion and love of my children for each other....

and treating me as if i were a million, sparkling lights

on the horizon. how could anyone not feel as if

i'm dancing on the sunrise?!!!!

please forgive my failure to do blogs.

i was bathing in the waters of Heaven.

my children were full of surprises. i mean

special, genuine love....and all your best

wishes ... and comments....and giving

made me know you would truly understand.

taylor, brock, colson, brandt and jasmine and colben

and i all send you the most heart-felt love and gratitude.

my sons LOVE to see people love me. truly. when i speak

to them about my blogs...how inadequate and imperfect

they are, but that you all so care that even if it's a bad blog

day...or days....you've stood with me. on Christmas...and

through today...when i tell them, their eyes become so large

and luminous. their faces break into looks of wonder. wide

smiles. that is how i love you. the way they love me.

Jesus, the Christ child.

"higher than we ever could imagine..

and closer than our eyes can ever see...

He is magnificent...." 10,000 reasons

Christmas eve.

"and the sky was bright

with a holy Light...

twas the birthday of

a King.."

courageous, for me.

i drove to monterey,

via san jose. brand new

routing. three-plus hours.

seeing one of my children

always takes my breath away. like

a gulp. a gasp. has taylor grown

a few more inches? and 

those chiseled, upper arms.

smile. mothers!

we fly out today..

for dallas, texas..where two

more sons are. two more miracle

wonders.  oh, may Jesus come

to us. may we hear the choirs

singing. and literally see the powerful love

the Christ child can

bring into a family. or friends now

alienated.

pain, given to Jesus,

can truly provoke sunrise and

miracles. the more stark the pain,

the wider the vistas of blessing.

my greatest failure this past year

was not praising Jesus enough

in the shadows. my garden needs

to be better watered. the weeds

pulled.

"though millions have come,

there's still room for one

there's room at the Cross

for you.."

i love these verses

from "The Message":

"you're blessed when you are at

the end of your rope. with less of

you there is more of God and His rule......" and

"you're blessed when you're content

with just who you are...no more.

no less. that's the moment you

find yourselves proud owners of

everything that can't be bought."

tomorrow is Christmas eve.

almost the end of another year.

so many struggling people. a couple

whose heat and electricity were

turned off. phones that were being

disconnected. i did my best to help.

doesn't Jesus tell us to do that?!

but the most riveting experience

was a father who lost it, and,

in the end, called his truly decent,

beautiful, teenager some terrible

names because he is out of control,

and feels pretty awful about himself.

i was with his lovely, ex-wife,

and arrived at the house shortly

after. here was this strong, grown

man. screaming and storming

around...and then, i noticed he

was crying. weeping.

"i hate myself. i know i m

wrong. i just lost it!" and he

spoke this to me by name.

"ann..." over and over berating

himself. ravaged by failure and

self-hate.

maybe you feel differently,

but it broke me, and began to

cover any judgment i had because

he was humble enough to confess

he was a "jerk". wrong. way wrong.

that is what i want to say to

you: if i crossed the line in what

i said about will, my husband...if

i was unkind and demeaning, and

should have kept quiet, i take

responsibility. if i've moaned and

groaned and pulled you down

all year by my excruciating struggles,

i humbly beg for mercy...

and forgiveness.

will and i had so much wrong

with both of us. but i know if

he were alive today, he'd be

telling husbands and fathers

what he saw and learned the

last five days of his life. 

he was always, from day one of our marriage,

confessing he was a

pharisee. it took me a lot longer

to really see my own deep holes

of illness. i was faithful...truly loved will
and he loved me...i just know and
was utterly faithful, too.

when i write my blogs,

i am always trying to think of

where most the world is...and are

enough people being vulnerable

about their weaknesses and

horrors and dark places because

that is what i'm willing to lay on

the line. so you won't feel alone.

isolated.

loving people.

that is the essence and

core of who i am. and knowing

Jesus is the ONLY Hope. longing

for others to not miss Him. there

is not a drop of good anywhere

else in me.

my children are the rising

sun and soaring eagles. the

afternoon breeze and every

rainbow that has ever shown

itself when the glorious sun

breaks through the rain. they

are everything. i used to be

so proud of their successes..

and i still am, but i'm radical,

down in my soul, about their

walks with Jesus. we are so

bonded. so knit together, but

i want to make sure that is what

they are with Jesus, too.

i love you all so.

a beautiful Christmas to you, 

inspite of how little or much you

have; how tough the Race.

Jesus!

He is Who i want.

the One i long for. His Word

in my heart. please...yes..forgive

the year of maybe saying too

much about pain. for not being

"happy" enough. i promise to

try and lead you to higher peaks

in the year to come. you are the

world to me.

a week from today is

Christmas. 

last night was celebrate recovery, 

and i bumped

into one of my favorites there

who i hadn't seen in a long time.

  

"mary, where have you been?"

"in a dark place. very dark....

for about six months."

some degenerative disease in

her neck. hasn't worked all this

time. her eyes not clearly focused

from medication. she was telling

my story.

. 

another young mother diagnosed

with breast cancer. recovering

from a hysterectomy. six, young

children.

no Christmas shopping yet; the

rent hasn't been completely paid,

and the husband is on the job at

6 a.m. every morning.

this morning, i received a text

from a great friend. i refused to

cry.

"ann, get happy again..and healthy

so you can go on our next trip

with us.."

i felt terrible shame that you

all have had to share my year

of dark pain. have prayed and i

contemplated dropping the blog

many times.

2013.

not my best year.

but i've learned heaps of

compassion. with each one who

passes my way, i've studied their

eyes. often, a tear will, with no

invitation by me, slide down

one cheek. my passion for

broken people has become immense.  

i understand it all 

better. what Jesus feels. what

led Him to die for us.

jan, with worsening cancer.

physical pain and foot surgeries

that made my feet worse..by far...

than previously.

i lost a beautiful friend my children and i adored.

i feel sad for all of us..

I wasn't stable enough to bring

someone new into my life.. i see all kinds of

things i should have done differently, 

the magnificent Christmas carols.

the wonder of the shepherds and wisemen.  

the birth of baby Jesus.

the Prince of Peace. the Redeemer

who not only delivers us from ourselves,

but all the brokenness that an evil world deposits

into our lives.

"how silently...how silently..the

wondrous Gift was given...our

Lord, Emmanuel."

feel the crisp, night air.

see the shepherds and wisemen

as they follow the Light. hear

the sweetest sounds on earth....

a newborn baby's whimper. the Christ-

child of the earth.

the lights are getting brighter.

my hope is hanging from the

limbs. the joys and carols

are wooing me. the cold ice

and wind are unfolding the

magnificent glory of a briliant,

great news.....Jesus lives.

oh...yes sir....and with Him

comes the sound of His carols

lifting hope that warms the cold

nights..and broken, fighting

survivors.

"oh, holy night, the stars are

brightly shining.....

it is the night of the dear

Savior's birth."

i love you all.

the sadness is being

eclipsed by the giggles of

young children. let's set our

sights on the victories. of the past,

and the miracles of the tomorrows.

yesterday,

i took my friend, sarah,

to the worst, most dangerous

core of my city where her

husband is painting an old,

victorian, three-story house.

they have six children...and his

income from this job is for bills,

and the family's Christmas.

i really love this family.

both vehicles barely run.

money for gas is slim. she

just had a hysterectomy, and

been diagnosed with breast

cancer.

"i hate Christmas, ann."

exhaustion and weariness

planted on his face. "i have

since i was a kid. wanting it

nice for the kids. but... all the pressure.

really wanting it to be over."

sarah and i had a can of gas

for his empty tank. undercover

police officers were driving

back and forth. ten p.m., and 

matt had started at six a.m.

i was attired in p.j. bottoms,

a nightgown, and long sweater.

compassion like rain and fog

covering my windows gripped me.

the Christmas season is so

difficult for most.

baby Jesus.

born to be our Savior.

ultimately, grown and stretched across

a splintered Cross. the Lamb

of God tiptoing into the world

by pushing out of mary's womb.

a tiny, newborn baby.

my children are scattered. God

has worked it out, by the most

generous person i know, for me

to be with three of my four children

in dallas. i'm longing for this time.

oh, i'm grateful to the Christ-child  

for my little family. how we

love each other. we may mess up

with many imperfections, but we

have each other's backs covered

at all times.

jan is so ill. will is in heaven.

and 2013 has been, hands down,

the most painful, life-shattering

year of my life. worst of all is

the sense that amidst the bends

and twists along the road, is the

jarring reality that i'm not even close

to being what i think Jesus expects

and needs me to be.

but my answer to Him

is YES! YES! YES!!!!!

"the blind see.

the lame walk.

lepers are cleansed.

the deaf hear. 

the dead are raised.

the wretched of the earth

learn that God is on their side."

matthew 11  the message

we are hand-joined.

quietly walking together

to celebrate this glorious event.

Jesus being born, the Only One

Who promises deliverance to

all who long and thirst for it.

i do.

long and thirst.

his name is javier. in

the most dangerous part of

downtown Stockton.

standing at the window of

a fast food sort of place.

advanced road construction

had led me to areas unknown.

i pull in. walk to the open window.

javier appears. handsome, 30'ish,

hispanic. everything spotless

behind him. he's not shabby either.

"how about a crispy, big taco,

and a diet soda?"

"what? no checks or cards

accepted for pay?"

"i'll treat you!" he replies.

a radiant grin spreading from

one side of his face to the other.

"really?!!!"

"sir, i'm lost. i'm trying to get back to

lodi. i have a very sick sister.

i realize this isn't the most savory

area.....and as i've been praying,

Jesus seemed to take over the

wheels. whipping me directly in

front of your eatery. do you think

it's possible to take me, with vast

limitations, and put me back on

l5 south? one person, ordinary,

with a giant God, can do anything.

at least, my father, a preacher, 

always taught me this.

i received a free dinner. a very

every-day woman, plus the blessing of God.  

was able to talk about

Jesus. found the right freeway.

i wasn't mugged, and called

javier.. and continued 

our Jesus talk from where we'd

left off the night  before.

"isn't the love of Jesus something

wonderful?  wonderful...wonderful?

isn't the love of Jesus something

wonderful.?! ....wonderful He is to

me!!"

javier was my assignment

that day.....to remind him Jesus

really pays.

"I'm baptising you in the river,

turning your old life in for a

Kingdom life. changing you from

the inside out..God is cleaning

house..making a clean sweep."

so.

in this holiest of seasons,

the birth of the Christ child...Who

was born to be our Redeemer..

may our hearts be quiet. listening.

at every moment on call.

"glory, glory hallelujah...

His truth is marching on!!!!!"

so...

i was in rehab.

Jesus used every tool He

had to pull me out of my denial.

i needed to face myself. forget will.

terrible withdrawals.12 days of NO

sleep. no relief. a nightmare. 

down to 104lbs. at 5'8".

too nauseous to eat. 

could smell cigarette smoke

in the carpet. the walls. i have

never smoked. but the

odor settled in my hair...made me

more sick.

and will was in chicago.

stunned. swimming in his own

nightmare. i had filed for separation,

and received full custody of the

children. divorce was never in

my vocabulary, but i was so hurt

and broken, and i had to stay alive

for the children. because of my

love and devotion for them,

i had become a tiger. until you

know what someone has suffered, 

you can't grasp the severity of

the wounds.

the 12th night,

i was in my room. cranky,

bitter roommate asleep. pain

racked my bones. my soul. i

began to crawl, on hands and

knees. tears dripping off my nose.

deliverance. my prayer. my longing.

at any cost. i could almost taste

freedom. sweet. a cool, damp

cloth on my wounds. begging,

pleading.

and Jesus came.

He touched me.

i became whole at the

center of my core, and began

to heal. more and more every

day. no longer blind. my hair

pulled back. tight. long ponytail.

the lost, blind, hopeless, enslaved

woman. SET FREE. i walked out

of wounded, powerless

childhood...to a serene, competent

adult. never to forget all i wasn't.

always to remember ALL Jesus is.

after a year of sobriety... a steady

diet of peace and deliverance from

fear for the children, i invited will

to move to california with us.  

God opened a job for him. he took turns

sleeping in the boys' rooms.  i

began to see old behaviors, but i

longed for miracles, and i was a

different woman. i drew healthy

boundaries, but things began to

unveil. not good things.

will was brilliant in areas.

he taught four, impressionable

sons how to have strong handshakes, 

and look people in the eyes.  

he lived out for them

that you love one woman your

whole life; a wandering eye is

sin and weakness. we all learned

to target practice and climb mountains 

and hike to hidden places and fish.  

i believe he did the best he could see.

inspite of terror in my throat,

i felt God challenge me to

walk back into our marriage.

to stand before our children, and

confess we both failed...and with

God's help would become what

Jesus desired. our closest friends

flew in. for me, it was pure obedience

to the still, small Voice.

2mos. later,

will was diagnosed with

renal cell carcinoma.16 mos.

after,november 27, 2000, as he

told each of the children to take

care of me, and he'd see us in

Heaven, he peacefully stepped over

into God's house. my father-in-law,

dr. henry brandt, said at his

memorial service....

"will was a bitter, angry man

until five days ago...when God was

able to open his eyes.."

when Jesus was born, the angels

said, "fear not..." and Christmas

is the celebration of redemption

and hope and peace on earth.

life is a battle. marriage takes

hard work, forgiveness, and Christ's

miracles. i don't know why i felt

led to share all this. it leaves me

raw and vulnerable....but it is

the story of love. that it is never

one's fault, but both, in a marriage

if it fails....and only Jesus can

redeem us. do your best.  

sometimes, only one is willing to

change. just hold on to pure love.

i have no answers or lectures. i'm

at the back of the line. i sin every

day. some days, i can only crawl.

more than anything, i long for my

children to see and feel God's love

all around them...and to forgive

all the wrongs they didn't deserve.

"if you don't go all the way with Me,

through thick and thin, you don't deserve Me.
if your first concern is to look after yourself,

you'll never find yourself.
but if you forget about yourself
and look to Me, you'll find both yourself and Me."  
matthew 10

i believe that love lives.

that only God knows how to bring us
to the end of ourselves.

that the great miracles and

transformations of life rise out of ashes. 

some of my dearest friends,

herb and dona, saw me on a trip

back east. 1996. i no longer

had hope. i had miscarried

multiple babies. many infections.

dependent on pain pills. sleep

deprived. broken. they flew

the children and me to california

one day while will was at work.

all four of the boys were in

grade school. beautiful. sweet.

suddenly, my heart wasn't focused
on what will lacked, but on myself.

jan flew out and kept the children,

while i entered a 30-day rehab.  

i was terrified. i realized i had

big issues of my own. mainly,

my children needed an adult for

a mother, who could draw safe
boundaries, and who was physically

and emotionally stable. and

off  pain pills.  

while i was in withdrawal from

medication...and didn't sleep

for 12-straight days...and felt

everyone was talking russian

and hurting my feelings, God had

finally stopped will in his tracks.

his wife and children were gone,

and for the first time, he saw i

had some backbone, and wasn't

willing to keep living like we were.

he was willing to change things...

please...but begging me to bring the

children, and come home. however,

i was resolute. not visibly emotional. running to save my

life. if i was gone, what would the children do?
every breath was for them.

final wrap up tomorrow.

though i had traveled the

world and spoken to thousands

at a time; and, with God's

blessing, written multiple, best

sellers and qualified for three,

boston marathons....and,

though i had fearless faith

in Jesus, the Savior and

Deliverer of the world....

there was something about the

events of my childhood that

stole a stable, inner balance

from my core. my father languished

the fact that my brother was not

a Christian. and it scared me

when he would fast and pray

for ten days at a time. i was sure

my dad was going to die.

so i strived to make my godly

father happy. my older

brother was angry, and his rage

scared me. it sewed fear into

the seams of my psyche, and

thus, i became a woman compelled

to keep will happy. to be a perfect

wife. it was so natural for my

husband to run the show. though

i didn't know where his income

was, he and his father had created the biggest, 

seed potato ranch in the world.

will's father had died years before,

and my husband had been groomed

to take over. to be the boss. he

stepped into marriage 

with the same mentality. 

as with the ranch, he was our boss. the

thought of mutuality was not a

concept he really grasped. but....

neither did i understand that there

are special gifts in us all, and it

was my responsibility to protect

and take care of me and the

children...and even will if he was

not catching it.

there were hundreds of times 

when i needed to pull on my big-girl boots.  

stand with my back rigid,

and refuse to bend to some whim

of will's.

we were all in the car,

going to a walk-in hair-cutting

shop.

"honey, the best person there is

named tom. he's excellent. gay,

with some funny quirks, but he's

really skilled."

words spit through the narrow

spaces in his teeth.

"NO gay man is going to cut

my hair!!!!"

a chill ran down my spine.

"stop!!!"i hissed.

"i mean it, ann. don't you

dare put me in that position."

i held onto the door.

praying. breathing...gulping...

contaminated air.

somehow, i held my tongue until late that night 

after the children were

tucked in beds, and will and i were

behind our own, closed doors.

i whispered out screams. i cried

until my throat was raw. my eye-

lids were swollen. reminding

my tall, curly-haired, handsome

husband that he was a pharisee.

a fool. that Jesus is ALL about

love and mercy..that if he ever

spoke like that again in front of

the children, he would seriously

regret it.

most of the time, i just swallowed

the  pain...and let bitterness

soak up the pure places in me.

it made me physically sick. i

swallowed my pain pills and

developed kidney infections and

miscarriages.

i breathed every breath for my

children. bike rides and ice cream

and talking in the dark at bedtime.

will alienated himself from us. i

never knew what he was going

to do next, but i allowed fear to

consume me, and a healthy person

would have seen her addiction.

grown up. and established some

boundaries.

tomorrow is the end of this saga.

a picture of what Jesus can do

when both husband and wife

care enough to get well. i'm not

an absolutist. God hates divorce,

but He hates other things even

more. i just know miracles can

live, and children deserve parents

who can shed diseased thinking 

and live out beautiful,

God-centered love.

thank you, so sincerely, for

all your love and prayers and

compassion for me. the way you

wrap your hearts around my

wounds....and draw me into

the circle.  if a

picture could be

drawn of God's love, it would

look like you.

people can say marriage is hard,

or a broken rib really hurts, but

unless you've walked the path,

it is, truly, a foreign concept. i

was married for 19yrs., and have

broken multiple ribs. neither easy.

will was black and white. his way

or the highway. i will always believe he wanted to be the best

husband and father, but he didn't

grow up with the tools instilled in him. 

will was the first-born,

and only son...and loved and

adored at his house. he walked

on glistening, colored stones and treated like a prince.

will was the first to find Jesus,

and miraculously, led his entire

family to the Lord. a beautiful

story, but he was academic about

everything, and felt powerful. me?

i was the most serious co-dependent ever.   

i looked professional and intelligent, but

i grew up with my brother never,

ever looking at me so i was positive

i was less than nothing which

translated into my marriage .

will ran the show,

and i buried my growing

rage over money issues and

no power. as the children were.born,

it became more

complicated. i was afraid of

really standing up for anything.

the Bible said we are to honor

and obey our husbands, and

nothing terrified me more than

disappointing God.

the LAW was will's sword and shield, 

but law without divine

love created judgement and criticism,

i thought, and will's passion

to take our little sons, and make

them tough and fearless ruled.

one of will's live and die by Bible

verses was "spare the rod and

spoil the child."  the children and i

were afraid of will, though i never

verbalized it. some things i can't

contemplate often.

marriage

has to be one of God's ways

of shaping us. forgiveness is

imperative. a humble spirit is

a major working tool. it aligns

us with the Cross, and it really

does take time and sacrifice to

succeed.

"if you don't go all the way

with Me, through thick and thin,

you don't deserve Me. if your

first concern is to look after yourself, 

you'll never find yourself. but if you forget about yourself

and look at Me, you'll find both

yourself and Me."  matthew 10:38-39

"it is best to start small. give a cool cup of water to 

someone who is

thirsty. the smallest act of giving

or receiving makes you a true apprentice.  

you won't lose out on a thing."  matthew 10:40-42

i was authentic and grown up

on the outside, but underdeveloped

at my core. emotionally fragile.

one night, in the heart of boston,

a couple years before i met will,

i was sexually assaulted. terrifying.

it was not until my honeymoon

that we realized something was wrong. 

flew into town, and will

immediately drove me to the

doctor's.

a sexually-transmitted disease?!!

so naive, i had never heard of it

before. nothing on earth could

have destroyed me in an instant

as that did. i was sullied.

abused. ruined. the doctor gave

me the first morphine shot of my

life. immediate healing of body

and soul, and the beginning of an

addiction. a two-week

honeymoon, and then my nail--beds...scalp..fingers...and heart

dried to a crisp like my soul.

they caught the man, but they couldn't give back what was taken.

in the end, however,

God has used EVERYTHING, as He

promises, and works it all for good.