tomorrow,
everyone heads to
monterey, ca.
celebration begins.
taylor's birthday.
and graduation.

and i'm sitting in the
beauty shop to have my
hair highlighted. smile. and
getting a tan this afternoon.
a big fuss, but i think life
is a celebration.

would you please pray for
our time together....as i pray
for your days, too? and may we
never forget to remember that
in the twists and turns of living,
we must hold on to joy.....and
laughter thrown in along the way.

""oh, Lord,
i know the way of man
is not in himself; it is not
in man who walks to direct
His own steps."

"commit your works to the Lord,
and your thoughts will be established..."

"He will be our guide
even to death...."

find something
that tickles you today.
something to smile about.
life is too short not to.
i love you.

"i want to drink God. i'm 

thirsty for God-alive......

as the deer panteth for the

water,  so my soul longeth

after You.  You alone are

my heart's desire.... and i

long to worship You..."

psalm 42

so many nights,

lying in the  dark....

i pray this prayer.

tears welling under my

eye lids. soul yearning.

i've lived long enough

to know there is ALWAYS

a way out.  of anything.

i have personally seen God

lift me out of massive difficulty.

NEVER once abandoning me.

nor coming up with some flimsy,

wobbly solution.

it often takes Him some time.

a lot of loose ends to pull

together.  re-situate us.

straighten the wrinkles of

old habits and thoughts.

beautiful joseph, in genesis,

was tossed into the dregs of

jail for 11 years.  never knowing

God was preparing him to become

the second most powerful man

in the world. second only to

pharoah.  for all joseph knew,

his life was over. finished. and i

don't think there was a great

crowd of witnesses patting him

on the back.

God takes us as we are.

He always has a plan.

if we hang on. never give up.....

the breeze begins to stir.

the wind picks up. and the

sound of marching boots

is heard  in the background.

another miracle is rolling in.

get ready!

taylor's birthday is thurs.

28yrs. old.  and saturday is

commencement from cal. state/

monterey bay. degree in film.

some family and friends flying

in.  robin, his birth mom, is one.

just as the Lord got this new

job for brandt in harrisburg, so

we are crying out for taylor.

listening for the winds of God,

announcing his new job.  he has

a great part-time employment,

and he is quietly watching and

waiting.

rivers flow

and oceans pound

and we hunger for His

will.  He's working in your

behalf.  you betcha He is.

listen for the stir of wind.

His Presence....to drop off

the miracle u need.

being a mother.

nothing...ever...not even 

close...to compare.

except Jesus.

taylor.

brock.

colson.

brandt.

forgive me for being silly,

but i am weeping as i write

this.  i love my children so.

we've loved and fought and

yelled and cried and hung on

to each other. and screamed

our loyalty and watched each

others' backs. and cried

and hugged and stood

together through thick

and thin.

we've won and lost.

failed and succeeded.

and when it felt as if the

entire world had gone mad,

we stood like soldiers.

refusing to be bent and too

broken to rise above the

seemingly-impossible ordeals

of life. the ashes. the holes.

even when i took pills

to cover my wounds of

terror and shattered dreams,

i never let go of my children.

i laid in the dark next to them,

and held their hands, and

whispered devotion and pride

in their ears.  and read them

books and sang to them. and

reminded each one that Jesus

was EVERYTHING...and if they

missed Him, the glories of

life would  be lost. completely.

i have four, beautiful birth

mothers to thank for my sons.

they pushed them into the 

world, and laid them in my arms.

and Heaven rained on our

broken-hearted souls.  will's

and mine.  and washed away

our tears.  life didn't turn out

like i thought, but my children

have carried me through deserts,

and taught me to dance in the

darkness.

and i throw

my arms around each

of you. and thank you,

humbly, for praying for

us and sharing our victories

and caring about our losses.

you have loved me inspite

of my failures...and been

warriors at our sides. 

every woman

is  a mother.  to a

child or a pet. or others'

children. have a beautiful

day!

p.s.  "with special devotion

and love to colben."

"good morning,

glorious, beautiful, magnificent

God.....my Redeemer and

best Friend!"

my phone accidentally

got left in my 12-step room.

i didn't realize it until i got

home at 9pm..and by then,

the building was locked for

the night. please forgive my

inconsistent blogging.

thank you for every kind word.

for even reading my journey day

by day.

i drove through to have my

oil changed, and this young guy

was calling gibberish to some other

guy under my car.

"sir, do you know Jesus?"

"sure do, ma'am.... "

"oh,  He makes ALL the difference,

 doesn't He? "

funny goggles on his face.

he jerked to a stop. looked

closely at me to see if i was

in my right mind.

"uh-huh, He really does."

my heart was beginning to

sing.  i was  in my element.

"if i can help somebody as

i go along...if i can cheer

somebody with a word of

song....then my living can't

be in vain."

tears in my eyes.

clean, untarnished 

joy.

"then my living can't be in vain.

if i can help somebody as i go

along, then my living can't be

in vain."

announcing....

because of God's vast

faithfulness and your many

prayers....

that my son, brandt, received

the news today that he is

the fire station's first choice

as a new firefighter in harrisburg,

pa.

yahooooo!!!!

he got the job.

no overseas' work

away from his little

family.

what seemed impossible.

what the devil made brandt believe......for sure...that the

mountain was too high.  and

what i wept over on Easter because

i, with such embarrassment,

confess to wavering in this dream.

today, may 9, God proved

us weak and wrong...and the

enemy nothing but a puff of

worthlessness.

"it is truly wonderful

what the Lord has done.

it is truly wonderful...

what He's done for me..."

as a family,

we celebrate the

magnificent faithfulness

of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

believe, fellow warriors,  believe.

for your seemingly-impossible

mountains today.

jan noticed she had a lot of lower
pain in her back. she was
finally diagnosed with multiple
myeloma. cancer of the blood.

she called back over to the
nurses' station. crying.

"how long do i have to live? is it
a week? a month?"

the nurse calmly asked where
her husband was?


"where is my husband?  he's
at work. what difference does
it make? i want to live!!!!"

that was six years ago.
jan has been through a bone
marrow transplant and
multiple other surgeries....but
her cancer remains in remission.

oh, we've been through
many things. fears. hospital
stays. our view of living has
shifted. i have thought that
if anything happened to jan,
i wouldn't be able to go on.

every day is hard.
a nagging headache. pain
in her foot. anything makes
her think it's the beginning to
the end. yet...so many promises
from Jesus. so much love
wrapped around her.

"it is I;
do not be afraid."
john 6

fear is the devil's favorite
tool. his roughest weapon.
refuse to let him near. just
start speaking the name of
Jesus. over and over. that
is our best defense. he will
flee.

today,
may you somehow
conquer the darkness
that life brings.
today, may the sun diminish
the darkness. believe.
and when you can't,
may the rest of us carry
you.

it is such effort
to dress and change clothes.
to wash my face, and keep
plenty of cream on hand for
my face. put make-up on.
and get my hair to co-operate.
well, the bathing comes first.

i just want to take care of
my soul. make my heart the
focus. it doesn't just happen.
pure hearts. grace. Jesus shining
in our eyes. a passion for the
lost world. it takes work, too.

"those who seek the Lord shall
not lack any good thing.....I want
you to be without care. ...be
anxious for nothing..."

time with God.
listening. reading His Word.
reaching beyond ourselves.

oh, i hunger for holiness.
but i get caught up in living.
worrying. keeping busy at
everything but the most important
pieces.

today...may 6...is brandt's
test for the firefighting job in
harrisburg, pa. thank you to the
one who offered him a bed. good
food. oh, from this mother to you,
thanks. please pray.

taylor is in dallas with colson
and brock. he's putting a financial
plan together for colson. brock
has just broken up with his girlfriend.
he's doing his best
to encourage them..and there
are a couple of big chunks in
taylor's life that he needs support
and wisdom with.

my sons cover each other's backs.
love sustains. and in their eyes,
no one better mess with their
mom. Jesus took my shattered
heart and infertility, and wrote
sheet music the heavenly choirs
are singing.

God is doing the same for you.
if you can't hear the choirs yet,
just know Jesus is still working
on the project. i love you all.