Friday, August 30

in night.  got jan
up. we ate klondike bars....
and cried.  oh, i don't want to
lose jan.  praying for jan's healing.

we get impatient with each
other, sometimes.  don't know
why.  it's friday again.  i am driving
home today....and jan's dear
friend is caring for her over the
weekend.  i hate to leave her.

"Jesus, i trust Thee.
how i've proved Thee o'er and o'er.
Jesus, Jesus...precious Jesus.
oh, for grace to trust Thee more."

brandt is three hours
later than west coast.
he called last night
from fire station.  such
a good talk.  i put it on speaker
phone so jan could enjoy.

i don't think there's a co-
dependant bone in jan's body.
me?  i'm always trying to keep
the world happy.  i think it's
the most difficult part of our

i received probably the most
scathing comment of my career
a week ago.  that i pity myself.
that i feel sorry for myself.

do you celebrate
the glory of the risen Savior?
do you realize that we all have
blind spots?  do you long to be
more like Jesus?

i do.
oh, i do.
God's truth is marching
on.  and i've learned there is
a thread of truth in every
criticism.  must go.
may we pray for each other
today.  and march to victory.

brandt and colben

Thursday, August 29

i saw the beauty of Jesus
today.  when a lovely lady
came to jan and me while
we were pumping gas.  she
had no money, but her eyes
were glistening.  when we spoke
the name of Jesus, the sky lit to
a clear, pure blue.  and we helped
her a little.

jan and i stopped at her
favorite little dress shop,
and we told the sales' clerk
that one could feel the warmth
of shining love when we reach
out and touch the fingertips
of God's vast grace .. 
and she said her heart yearned
for that.

i have been with jan
while tom and their son, nash,
are at a 60.2 mile race.  had
to call an ambulance for jan.
found out with latest catscan
that my bones did not fuse in
my foot so surgery is a must.....

"bless the Lord,
oh, my soul,
and ALL that is within me....
bless His Holy Name...."

"He has done great things...
He has done great things...
He has done great things..
bless His holy Name.."

we have been eating
chocolate eclairs.  and
pinkleberry frozen yogurt.  and
lots of gummy bears.

"But Lord, be merciful to us, for we have waited for you. 
Be our strong arm each day and our salvation in times of trouble."
~ Isaiah 33:2, NLT ~ Isaiah 33:2, NLT

if we don't cut back on sugar,
mercy will be our war cry.  smile.

Sunday, August 25

my fast, hurried, disjointed blog
yesterday was done with a good heart.
i so wanted to give you
something on a lazy, easy, saturday
morning that would inspire you
to pull on your running shoes of
life....and watch God surprise you
with answers to prayers, and glorious victories where you
needed them most.  

however, tom asked me to drive
him to the train station in sacramento..that would take him
into the city (san francisco)
where he would meet nash for
their flight to europe....and nash's
62-mile race in the alps. jan is
too ill to drive, and i'm taking
care of her some of this time.

i was sitting on my bed.  still in
p.j.'s. writing almost as fast as
a jet breaking the sound barrier.
racing.  heart in earnest as i said....
but the outcome was tacky...and
hard to follow. please don't judge
me. i had the blog posted before
reviewing it.  dashed to my car
in my p.j.'s. drove almost an hour
to tom and jan. and made it to
the train station in time.

it is dark outside.  jan's asleep.
and i had to find this blog (yesterday's) because i instinctually
felt it wouldn't be worthy of God's

i'm too sleepy to give you
what i want to share, but i will.
bottom line, the Race is all
about love.  God's beautiful heart
living in us.

today is the Sabbath for most
of us.  enjoy Jesus. lay your
burdens down.  sing and clap
and raise your hands in praise.
let's celebrate the easy and difficult,
knowing God is using it all to
build us in the faith...and help us run this glorious, difficult Race 
so that Jesus will be glorified,
and we'll cross the finish line
to the glorious City.

until later.
asking forgiveness.
i love you.

Saturday, August 24

i go to jan's
until her friend
flies in from cleveland.

tom is travelling with nash
to europe, where nash has
trained hard for a 50-mile
race in the alps. tom is the one
who planted the running bug
in all of us.  i'm praying for
nash (a gruelling feat).
august  30.

some people are created to run
long distances; others, sprints.
if we have knee problems, we
usually must drop out of at least
long-distance pursuits.

following Jesus is so much like
running the races.   it is never
a part-time effort.  it takes constant
focus and dedication.  we fall.
get lost now and then.  get pushed
and shoved.  hurt. sometimes,
there are injuries along the way.

but Jesus calls us...
to run and win.
to hold onto His joy even
when the wind and rain
are beating us..and pushing us
around.  to trust Him even when
someone pushes us off the
path when we get distracted.

fellow warriors,
keep your eyes on the course.
when it's extra rough, cry out
to Jesus. the Author and Finisher
of our Race.  always stop, if you must, to help a brother or sister.
in difficulty.  we are never to
focus attention on ourselves.
our faces toward the Son. the
breeze and sweet aroma of His Presence is what keeps drawing
us.  what is our joy.
when we fall,
we must get up.
keep the rhythm.
shut the noise
of dissenters out.

what a choir.
everyone running toward
the goal in Christ Jesus.
don't allow mud and rocks
to defeat you.

when we've finished our
course...and see Jesus face to
face...all our trials will be over.

Victory to the One who Is
and was and will forever be...

our Song and Hope.
no more sorrow. no more crying.
in the sweet by and by.
just you and me and Jesus.
our children who left us early
in our arms. friendships rejoined.

i'm thinking of
each of you today...
praying for you.

"it will be worth it all when
we see Jesus..."

Thursday, August 22

the beautiful, little family i've been with a lot...
trying to assist the ill
mother of six...
invited me to dinner
tonight.  yummm.

steak on the grill. watermelon.
real mashed potatoes. zucchini
and portobello mushrooms.  it
was really lovely. at 9:30p.m.,
as i drove home, a light
flashed on the dashboard.
something about checking tire
pressure.  what if a tire flattened
on a dark country road?  i was
alone. one gas station a road over.

Jesus is so magnificent.
opening doors for me to share
Him.  on days when i need and
i yearn to speak His Name.

"Jesus, please give me the
perfect person to help me."

a young guy is pumping gas.
big truck.  "sir, can you help me?"

another guy walks by.
"hey...can you go in and tell them
to turn the air on?"

he gets behind my wheel.
backs the car to the air pump.
pulls out a little flashlight.  grabs
the gauge. pumps perfect level of air in.   
two back tires.  job done.
for him, as easy as breathing. for
me, it might as well have been

"hey! i don't know if you know
Jesus, but i  love Him. i count on
Him. when i drove in, i simply asked
Him to give me someone to help."

"and nate, Jesus hand-picked
YOU.  here's a little cash...and thanks.
remember! God LOVES you! " his
smile is wide.  my eyes are shining.
it's all about that Name.

dance with me.
listen to the choir and the birds
in the trees and the oceans roar
as the tireless Lord of the
universe goes about His glorious
duties of the day.

and as we,
inspite of setbacks and hardships,
respond to Him.  singing our hymns
and watching...waiting....for every
moment Jesus gives us to speak
love and show mercy.   there is
a River...that never shall run dry.

come, Jesus, come..
run, River, run.

"the lines have fallen to me in
pleasant places; yes, i have a
good inheritance."  psalm 16

Tuesday, August 20

it's been one of those
days that doesn't fit.  where
i knew i was an inconvenient

i had my catscan on cd  to
deliver to my orthopedic surgeon.
on time. almost there when i
suddenly became filled with
anxiety, and pulled into a gas use the restroom.
instantly, there was a swoosh....
and diarrhea poured out of me.

the bathroom was only for
personnel.  i stood there..white disbelief and utter
humiliation.  the salvation army
was across the street.  the
place where some angels reside.
crying, a woman led me to a

missed my dr.'s appointment..
went to Jan's to strip and wash,
but she was busy on the phone...
and i was in the way. an inconvenience.

"Jesus says, and we know that all things work together for good...
to those who love God and are
called according to His purpose."
romans 8:28

i know this is alittle raw to talk
about.  to have the entire market
stand around, staring at me....
and i can't move.   but..

if Jesus tells us it all works
for His good, then we must
believe.  even on crooked,
lopsided, seemingly misplaced
days we never want to remember.
we must just take life as it comes.
trust God and move on.

Sunday, August 18

"all to Jesus, i surrender.
all to Him, i freely give.
i will ever love and trust Him...
in His Presence daily live....

"i surrender all ..
i surrender all. all to Thee,
my blessed Savior.  i surrender

"Lord, i give up all my own plans
and purposes; all my desires and
hopes, and accept Thy will for
my life.  i give myself, my time, my
all utterly to Thee to be thine forever.
fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. 
use me as Thou wilt.  send
me where Thou wilt.  WORK OUT
AT ANY COST, now and forever."
betty scott stam, missionary

with God's help,
i surrender my life to Him.
my feet and His answer for their

i surrender my children, who are
His magnificent gifts to me. they
are my life.  my dreams come true.
oh, may they always know how
much Jesus loves them.  that they
are shaped for greatness in
His Kingdom.

i surrender jan, and her cancer.
i praise You, Lord, for all the victories these past six years.
and praise you for what the future
holds. i can surrender because
You are a trustworthy God.

because of Your awesome power,
i surrender my neighbors to You.
every potential opportunity to
love them to You.

i surrender
my comrades...
my fellow the Race
we must run.  to the mountains
looming ahead and the sorrows
You may ask us to walk through.

"glory, glory hallelujah..
His truth is marching on!!!!"

there's a sunrise for you
this Sabbath weekend.
watch for it.  i love you!!!   ann


Saturday, August 17

my friend, kat, sent
me these beautiful verses:

"open your mouth and taste.
open your eyes and see...HOW
good God is.  blessed are you
who run to Him...

"worship God if you want
the best; worship open doors
to all His goodness."
psalm 34:7-9  the message

what a day!
brock called on his way home
from work...and i had a scattered
brain. had had a catscan
and physical therapy before
i see the surgeon on monday. my
friend was in the emergency room
at lodi memorial.  i, in the grocery

an empty conversation
with my son.  it broke my heart.
it felt like being at a rock concert,
and chattering about nothing
with God.  sadness and concern
brushing themselves roughly
against my already raw heart.

sarah was released from the
hospital with a catheter bag
still inserted. her husband helped
her into my car.  she is 18 months
clean, and scowled  at me.

"what the hell?!!"
holding onto her catheter.

laughter, bordering on hysterics,
overtakes me.  i stop at a
grocery store and buy us a chocolate cake and a people
magazine.  we both hobble into
my house in pain.  she and her
husband are here for the night.
the five children distributed
among family.  i paid their phone
bill so they can at least stay
connected.  they are so grateful
for everything.

last night, i slept at tom's and
jan's in sacramento. her report
from the oncologist wasn't

i have always wanted to
die first.  truly believing jan
could handle my loss better
than i could hers. how can there be
life without her?!

"moment by moment,
i'm kept in His love.
moment by moment,
new life from above.
looking to Jesus' til Glory
doth shine....
moment by moment,
oh, Lord, i am Thine."
(old hymn; author unknown)

often, this glorious, hard Race
demands everything.  all of
us have massive areas of
chaos in our  lives.  even if
it is all crammed down as
deeply and quietly as possible. 
something seems to always be
kicking up dust somewhere.

i'll walk with pain the rest of
my life...and count it all joy... if my children will truly
follow Jesus.  will live His love
to a broken world.   and know
how honored and thrilled and
proud i am to be their mother.

colson shouldn't be smoking
cigarettes, but he has
had anxiety since a little boy.
taylor was awarded for his
brilliant film degree, but still
doesn't have a job that draws
all his creativity to the screen, and
he is afraid his vision is drying up.
brock would literally live in his
car if he could play his bass in
a band that were to perform weekly.
brandt is just thrilled where he is.
and jasmine is happy.  for
him, that's everything. 
our little baby-doll just makes everything better.

and i just celebrate
all of you
because you are overcomers,
and warriors with backbones
for Jesus.

let's dance in His love
all weekend....and see everyone
through the loving eyes of God.

Friday, August 16

she's eleven years old.
petite.  wide-set blue eyes
and blond hair.  a little, stuffed
horse is always under one arm,
and her t.v. is  turned to
nasa.  this is bailey.

she is one of six children,
and her parents are recovering
addicts with me.  her mother, sarah,
is the one i've been taking to
doctors and hospitals.  they have
found a mass pressing against
one her uterus.

bailey and her parents were
leaving my house the other night
after school shopping when
suddenly, bailey, quiet and
reserved,  flew back in the door
and wrapped her arms tightly
around my waist.  i held onto her,
soothing her.  speaking quietly.

"i love you, darling."
"it was so fun shopping. that back-
pack on wheels, especially."

she didn't budge. her face pressed
into me. arms remaining locked,
behind my back.

"bailey, everything is going to
be okay, sweetheart."
she looked up into my eyes.
studying me...and held on harder.

"Jesus is with us, doll,
and i have complete peace
about your mommy.  i'll always
stay close to you. always."

i buried my face in her warm,
sun-soaked hair.  i kissed her
forehead.  one more earnest
look into my eyes.  one more
squeeze, and she was gone.  
one beautiful little girl.  fearful,
and needing reassurance.

one of my sons called tonight.
needing his own comfort. as you
know, when my children call,
my world stops.  all obligations
are dropped. forgotten.  nothing
matters so much as that son's
personal turmoil of the moment,
and God's power to bring peace.

this is a true picture of Jesus.
we are never alone with Him. we
run to Him, and He is always waiting.  
we nestle into His
powerful warmth and love,
and the troubled waters cease.

"and Jesus says, 'come to the
waters...stand by My side. I
know you are weary...  you won't
be denied.  I saw every tear
that in darkness you cried....and
I am here to remind you that
for your sins I died."

most of life is made up
of hard-fought battles, but
who would we be without
the pain and hardship that
draws us close to Jesus and
each other? our humanity is
what reminds us all who God
is and what we aren't without

"with the Cross of Jesus...
marching as to war!" 

run to Him today.
He is waiting for you!!!

Monday, August 12

first day of a new week.
long days stretched in front
of us.  bills to pay.  groceries
to buy. children back to school.
miles and miles to run. peace
to be made.  forgiveness to
seek. a message of Christ's love
to be delivered.   

and so the
journey goes. and  
mondays are my greatest challenge.
it's the organizing in my mind.
lining up appointments. calls
to make sure nothing overlaps.
mundane and tedious...and  a
discipline to the process.

i've made calls from bed. checked
on friends. made sure i start
physical therapy on my foot this
week.  all in pajama bottoms and
a simple, light teeshirt.  now you
know more secrets about me.

it's 2p.m...and i promised to
buy school clothes for tomorrow.
the first day of school. 
for a beautiful little girl that has none.

i don't want Jesus to catch me
being lazy in my worship of Him.
He is NOT a responsibility, but
the life-flow through which i move
and mark the gifts and blessings
and struggles of my journey. the
Race of life.  only as His power
flows through me can His love
pour over others.  only Jesus abiding in us makes our eyes
shine and our compassion reach
to all who pass our way.

there would be nothing.....
absolutely zip of value in me
without Him.

"if anyone thirsts, let Him come to me and drink.  He satisfies the
longing soul, and fills the hungry
soul with goodness." 
 john & colossians

may Christ and His grace make
us champions of His love this
week in a broken world.  i love
you and my life is beautifully
different because you are in it.

Sunday, August 11

good news.
faithful God.  your many 

jan's white count is up.
much higher. pneumonia
is gone. no more collapsed
lung.  i love living 45 minutes
away. thank you for being
warriors in our lives!!!

my foot?
"set your mind on things
above. not on things on the
earth."  col.3:2

i ask you to forgive me for
being shy and hesitant when
my friend told the doctor at
urgent care that i was a writer.
this doctor was so impressed
it overwhelmed me.  BUT...

the  next day,
there was a serious incident.there.
someone died.  police locked everything down...and this lovely
doctor had both wrists wrapped.
when sarah and i went in.
this petite, human physician looked
at me and, with tears in her eyes,
"i really need your prayers. it
was a bad day yesterday."

if sarah hadn't proudly said
i was a writer, i could not have
had such an open door to speak
earnestly about the glorious
Savior of the universe.

and i felt convicted that i mentioned
the man at celebrate recovery
who wondered if i'd had a little
experience speaking to small
groups. it so caught me off-guard
since my entire adult life i ve
keynoted huge audiences.

this i know...
if i were a brilliant speaker, 
AND I AM NOT, it matters not.
only Jesus can touch a heart.
as humans, we are powerless.
we can look good and sound
entertaining, but it's all garbage...
trash..a waste of time..if Jesus
doesn't annoint our lips and
stir hearts.  NEVER can a speaker
take credit for what God only
can do.  

my orthopedist is waiting two
weeks.  doing
another cat scan,
and reevaluating the condition
of my foot.  he never says,
"i'm so sorry about this..."  or....
"i know you've really suffered."
it's taken me deep..far under....
the cold, icy waters of terror
and  pain...but Jesus has been
my Partner.  it can't get better
than that. the saga contInues. 

today is the Sabbath.
my favorite day of all.
every week. i love this Scripture.

"so here's what I want you to do.
God helping you. take your every
day, ordinary life...your sleeping, 
eating, going to work, and walking
around life...and place it before
God as an offering.  embracing what God can do for you.....
fix your attention on God.  you'll be changed
from the inside out."  romans 12

may we celebrate His holiness
today.  laugh easily.  and hear the
celestial choirs lifting all our burdens to the only One who
truly gets the picture...and can
help us carry them.

thank you, again, for all your
priceless comments of encouragement.

Friday, August 9

with all of life's struggles,
we mustn't forget ice cream
cones and s'mores. bike rides 
and swimming and baseball
games on warm, summer nights.  

laughter is magic.
my friend and i had a terrible
experience in the emergency room.
she was put on a bed in the
broom closet. 
her car just stopped in the slow lane of the freeway
going home. dead
she jumped out of her car, and began running down the freeway    
wildly knocking on windows,
begging anyone to push her car
over.  this may not seem funny
to you, but in desperate straits,
we ended up laughing hard.  forgetting   
how hard life is right now.

"let the beauty of the Lord, our 
God be upon us." 
"a  glorious church, not having
spot or wrinkle or any such
thing, but holy and without
blemish.  you are complete
in Him."  daily light

jan and i feel oh, so much 
gratitude. a result of all your.prayers and loving comments.  
you mean everything to us.

well...Jesus has everything covered, 
so take time to hug and rejoce in things of God... .  
a small child's face.  the smell of fresh flowers. 
the comfort of friends.  trust me,
i have to work at this, too.

"let the beauty be seen
in me. all His wonderful passion
and purity.  oh, Thou Spirit divine...
fill this being of mine...'til the
beauty of Jesus be seen in me."

a day to glorify our Lord. and see
beauty everywhere we look.

Thursday, August 8

six months of unrelenting agony.
unable to wear anything but flip-flops.  three surgeries, and no
success.  it has thrown me into a
darkness I have never known.  
i have quoted God's promises.
cried out, on my face, to Jesus..
but when i open my eyes every morning,
i can't imagine another day of this.  
my joy seems like nothing more than a tattered,  
soiled thread of fear that i kick around, and can barely 
hold onto.  please don't be disappointed in me.  just pray.

jan has a collapsed lung and pneumonia.  
my arms are wrapped around her as she has her blood test thursday
re: her myeloma.
my blue eyes brim with tears at
least half of every day. 
the mention of my foot or jan tends to bend my soul in half.  
like a gnawing vice,
chewing right behind my belly button.

well...enough of this.  you know
me well enough to know that every
single day, in unexpected moments,
i look for, and find, a touch of glory
where Jesus shines.  i throw my arms around His neck.  
i bury my face in the vast warmth and smell of
unrelenting love and generosity and
compassion He has for me.  someone so broken and imperfect.

"i have seen Him.
i have known Him..
and He walks and talks with me.
and the glory of His Presence
shall be mine eternally."
author unknown

well, fellow runners,
this is the Race we all have.
gain and loss.
victory and defeat.
faith and adoration...
and fears and doubt.
it takes all of these
to make our life's journey
so magnificent.  so together,
let's tackle what Jesus has handed
us...with all our might.
and watch, every day,
for the sunrise.

Wednesday, August 7

was graduation night
for our12-step group.  at
celebrate recovery.  joyful.  we are sisters.

we each were to give  a
2-minute, typed-out testimony
of our year's journey together.
our leaders are merciful.  mine
had not been turned in, and i
simply pleaded, "trust me."  i
sat in bed this morning, and in
ten minutes, wrote from my
heart to my head to the page.
then i called my friend, tere,
with shaking courage, and read
it to her to time. 1 minute, 30 seconds.

i had scrawled it on an envelope,
and took it to the stage to read.
a guy came up to me after small
groups, and said, "ann, do you
have some experience in speaking
to small groups?"

it was hard not to laugh out loud.
it's such a joy not to tell people
what i do...and just love the world
to Jesus.

the last two days,
i've been with a very sick
young mother.  urgent care and
the packed emergency room
of a hospital here.  yesterday, i
accompanied her to a private
exam room.  she is in my 12-step
group, and i really love her.

out of nowhere,
she blurted out that i was
a writer.  for her, it was showing
great honor.  i was horrified. the
female physician became completely absorbed with me,
and i was very embarrassed and
shy.  the one blessing..a beautiful one..
is that i was able to share
about Jesus.  i cannot imagine a
doctor being impressed with a
simple writer.

all four of my children called
today.  colson called while i was
taking a bath.  brock called from the bank.  
and taylor left a message
that he loved me and would call
this evening. 
brandt said he and jasmine were taking care of three of colben's cousins.  
oh, i miss that dollbaby of mine...and am so
proud of my amazing children. they
are everything to me.  have i told
you that recently?  smile.

tomorrow, i have an appointment
with my ankle-foot specialist, and i
am terrified.  the bone did not fuse
in my left foot, and i have lived
with such excruciating pain. i have
no words.  he is supposed to be the
number one doctor in this entire region, and he says it will require
another surgery where they remove
a piece of bone from my hip,  and use it for the fusion.

"my flesh and my heart may
fail, but God is the strength
of my heart...and my portion
forever."  psalm73:26

Monday, August 5

"isn't He wonderful,
wonderful, wonderful...
isn't Jesus, our Lord,

Jesus is my passion.
my Song.  my morning joy
and only Hope in the darkness.
but these have been hard,
rugged months, as you know.
my foot surgery in early february,
where i remain in critical pain.
opinions from multiple doctors.
scared.  confused. more surgery?
the arduous task of detoxing off
pain medicine when correction is

and jan's cancer and near death.
my four sons who make my heart
ache with joy and longing...
and pride and concern.  an endearment that courses
through me.  that they might not
just know Jesus,  but be sold
out to Him. that God can count on
them to carry His Redemption
wherever they go.

without all your prayers
and love and compassion...
your comments that have
swept me away from the cliffs
of utter despair...without you,
i can't imagine surviving.

trying to blog in this state
of mind has been, for the most
part, agony.  you deserve messages
of hope.  of broken people
being loved.  of a mother who
knows how to parent better.
more Scripture of God's unwavering
faithfulness.  you are warriors,
in the midst of battle, and you
need to be fed solid Food...and
inspired.  i fall so short!

i've been working with..and loving..
a young mother of six. 
i was praying with her over the phone
tonight, at a most critical,
desperate moment.  we had to
have a miracle when her husband
suddenly pulled into the driveway.

another mother with five,
all five years and under, asked
if i would help with the children
at the doctor's office.  but
she forgot to tell me the office
number or name of doctor. a
huge medical building. 
i methodically went to every obgyn

"have you seen a woman with
five, small children?"

finally, the last office.
i came down to the name of
my friend.

"yes, across the hall.
in 15 minutes."

i was waiting when
babies and toddlers
streamed in.

jan didn't die.
brandt got the firefighting job.
"mom, i want to know everything
going on in the family so we all
truly stand together," requested
my oldest.  united, bonded sons.

if i just don't forget
that in my darkest hours....
when life feels too give
my life away, then joy will
gush into my wounds.  that
pain is a gift.  through it, I have
learned that you love me.
that you are some of God's
greatest gifts to me.  superficiality
fades, and Jesus and i become

"our light affliction, which is but
for a moment, is working for us
a far more exceeding and eternal
weight of glory."  2 corinthians 4

Jesus our Lord, is wonderful.
and so are you!

Sunday, August 4

i've driven to sacramento
to see jan.  i'm lying next to her,
and she is praying...

"thank You, Jesus.  thank You.
oh, Jesus, you have the power
to heal me.  i know You can."

and i began singing,
"isn't He wonderful.......
isn't Jesus, my Lord,
"eyes have seen. ears have
heard. it's recorded in God's
Word. isn't Jesus my Lord

in our struggles,
rej oice.
in our sorrows, clap.
when we feel we are caving   
in, and we can't seem to feel or
find God, i get it.

but Jesus is for us.
and your prayers are moving
through my little family.

Friday, August 2

i have decided
to kick my tired shoes
of mourning from my feet.
they are impeding my joy.
and i forget how blessed i

i have decided that jan
is tough, and her collapsed
lung and pneumonia keep
making her stronger!

my feet?
that have carried me
thousands of miles.
winning marathons and
qualifying for boston marathons?
it's broken my heart, and i am
terrified of a fourth surgery, but
Jesus promises to see us through
every trial and seeming impossible
hole thrown in our paths.

taylor called.
"mom, i want us to face everything
that hits our family.  to stand
together through it all."

brock and colson and brandt
call almost daily. we work
out our issues, and never finish
a call without 'i love you."

your prayers have melted our
hearts.  i read them via phone
to jan, and we weep..

i have never cried
or been so hopeless and terrified
as the last several weeks. 
depression has taken on, for me,
new.meaning.and compassion for 
those who live with it constantly.

"ponder the rock from
which you were cut.
think of the One solitary man...

"wake up..wake up....
I am the One comforting you
I am God. your very own God ."

your love and prayers for us
have held us together. we've
cried out and not felt isolated.  and
somehow, i find myself crying.
our sorrows and burdens are
shared. yours and mine.

dance.  sing.  grab my hand .....
and feel the magnificent Savior
of the universe. and 
when the rolls of swirling darkness
force us to roll in our sorrow and
agony, Jesus will be there.  and
i will be.  just as you will be
standing by with open arms for us.

how profoundly i love you all.

Thursday, August 1

jan has not recovered well
since the meat was lodged
in her lungs. her white cell
count is dangerously  low....
and her red count isn't good,

i'm scared.
life without jan is
just as i know it's been
for all of you who have lost
children and mates and

please continue to pray for
jan.  "just as i am,
i come.  i come."