Wednesday, July 31

"God's voice is glorious in
the thunder.  we can't even imagine
the thrill of His power."  job 37:5

tonight, my hope is built
on Jesus.  jan has pneumonia.
one of my sons is broke
i got a letter from the irs.
tonight  is celebrate recovery.
last  week, i couldn't even raise
my head.   the entire time i
shared, i said things like,
"I don't want to be here. i don't
like it. I don't want to go on

that night i thought i'd lost
jan....and didn't  want to go on.

these words are so grim, i know.
my foot?!!!!  what am i going  to
do?!  orthopedists and a podiatrist
think so differently.  i'm terrified.
God says:
"count yourself lucky.
how happy you must be.
you get a fresh start.
your slate's wiped clean."  psalm  32

there are days 
when some of us
just walk.  
one foot in front of the
other.  one moment at a time.

the rains come
and the storms pummel
us.   all we need is the hem
of Jesus...and the refusal to
stop.  that's what you do
in a race .

don't look back.
KNOW the God of the
universe has NEVER failed.
trust me, i'm right beside you.

thank you again for all your
comments. each one. i trace
the love and
beauty of your words....
and tuck them in my heart 

Monday, July 29

the sunday message
was delivered by a pastor
from israel.  "do you REALLY
want to change?"

there are prayers that scare me.
"Jesus, humble me."
"Lord, change, at any cost,
what doesn't please You in me."
"Jesus, take away or put into
 my life anything You desire."

i went forward at close of
service.  "don't return to your
seats until you know God has
changed  you."

"bless the Lord, oh, my soul...
oh my soul. worship
His Holy Name. sing like
never before, oh my soul.
i'll worship His Holy Name."
10 000 reasons

just ask Jesus today
if there is anything He wants to
change in you to make you
a more true warrior for Him

let's be bold.
all of us.
and see
what  kind of
army Jesus has in 

may this be the start
of a life-changing week
for all of us.

Sunday, July 28

"Jesus is all the world to me.
my life. my joy. my all.
He is my friend from
day to day...without Him i
would fall...."

i just called jan to say
"good night".  a week ago
today, a medical team of 12
were trying to resuscitate her,
and get the large pieces of
meat out of her lungs.

crying out to the Warrior
Divine...and then to you,
all the soldiers of the Cross
who run this glorious, difficult.
Race with me.  you were armed
and ready...and your praying
was heard by the master
Redeemer.  there is no question,
with my family that YOUR
prayers were the key.

i took my friend, sarah, to
chevron tonight.  a celebra-
tion for one more week with jan.
it was a little humorous, we
combed the aisles.  two sodas.
the bakery shelf  for little,
crumb donuts....and  an ice
cream bar.  when i' m with
someone who loves and
trusts me,  i know God
 has stitched the world
together perfectly.  it can
be very lonely when the world
is closing in....and  you truly
feel all by yourself.  BUT....

if you are in a big, overwhelming
struggle, and you don't know what 
to do, be silent. still. Jesus
is whispering,  "but I do!"
He always has the answers.
please  never forget. life is unbearable without this  truth.

Friday, July 26

for all
whose prayers
seem to be hanging in the
wind.  for every one who has
a rebellious, lost child...or
one who hasn't been delivered
of some level of disability.   for
the marriages that are cracked
at the seams and so hurtful......

"take a good look at my Servant.
I've bathed Him with My Spirit, My
life. He'll set everything right.
He won't brush aside the bruised
and the hurt...and He won't
disregard the small and insignificant. He'll steadily
and firmly set things right.."
isaiah 42

God did these incredible
miracles for jan....yet i can tell
you i have almost felt hell
hanging on my back since.
life has turned upside down
in so many areas. the enemy
is a smooth one. great victories
often followed by bent inequalities.

"we need a Savior.
we need an Anchor.
be very sure. be very sure.
your Anchor holds...
and grips the Solid Rock."

the ONLY One.

much to say.
to share.
lost yesterday's
let's continue
to pray for one
for the sun to rise..
and warm our faces and
broken spirits....and take
every wound. laying
them on the ground.
allowing the heat of God's
compassion to burn off
every piece still twisted
by anger or fear or sadness.

all my love to each
of you today.


Tuesday, July 23

what is that quote...
"victory is won on the mountain,
but realized in  the valley."

jan had two visiting 
physicians.  both had been
in emergency when they brought
her in. unconscious. not breathing.

each wanted to meet the woman
who had miraculously beaten the
odds and lived. with no brain damage.  the same night, they had
lost a thirty - yr. old under the same
circumstances.  one spared. one

for me,
one difference.
jan had an army of warriors.  YOU!!!
prepared.  faithful. on call.  and
tonight, jan's nurse lined up chairs
along the wall with plenty of' pillows
and blankets, and i'm keeping vigil
by her bed. hopefully, i don't fall off
my 13"-wide bed.

this morning,
i was so overcome
by God's vast array
of grace and goodness...
by your battle readiness.
still shaken by what we thought
the worst could be...
that i cried out to Jesus.
to change me forever.

my friend and i planted
geraniums...and i made some
fresh vows to never be a petty
person any more....and to give
my life away for the poor and
broken in ways not done before.

"let the beauty of seen in me...
all His wonderful passion
and purity. oh, Thou Spirit divine,
fill this being of mine...'til the beauty
of Jesus be seen in me."

thank you.
for all your prayers
and concern.
there was no make-up on 
today,  tears streaked my
face...and my nose ran.
abounding gratitude.

Monday, July 22

"hallelujah! hallelujah! hallelujah!
He is higher than we ever
could imagine...and closer
than our eyes could ever see...
He is magnificent....He alone
is one else as glorious
as He...."  10,000 reasons

jan is off the ventilator.
no brain damage.
they were able to suck
out all the food in her lungs.

one of you wrote:  warriors
enlisted.  praying.  oh, fellow
warriors, because of you, i
have seen a miracle.

it's 5am.
i'm still crying.
i sat on the edge of Jan's bed
in icu.  i read her every one of
your comments.  speaking your
names as i went. tears rolling
down my cheeks.

tom and i headed to the
hospital.  sobered with every
terror possible bubbling in our
thoughts.  jan. our jan.  a complete
vegetable?  i refused to cry.
reserving all emotion; gathering
strength to hold me upright in
prospect of the worst.

so many of you have heard
the worst.  lived through the
darkest.  please never believe
my struggles are more significant than
yours.   my black shadows
only draw me closer to you.

you must all know 
that jan and i have had our
petty struggles. our insecurities. with each other.
but everything in my life
was forever changed july 20-21.

whatever jan wants,
i want.  whatever she thinks,
i want to listen.  the hurtful
moments will always carry a
different hue of meaning.  to
see her on the ventilator,  her
face swollen and bruised.  i
am forever transformed by
the wonderful grace of Jesus.

her first words off the
ventilator were:
"lordy. lordy...i have to go
home today."  smile.

thank you.
every one.
beyond words.

"...may you have strength
to comprehend with all the
saints...what is the
breadth and length and height
and depth..
and to know the love of Christ
that surpasses knowledge..
that you may be filled with
all the fullness of God..."ephesians 3

we are not empty.
not alone.
thanks, warriors.
enlisted and ready.
thank you so!!!!

Sunday, July 21

a piece of meat lodged
in jan's throat. unconscious
for 7-10 minutes while tom
raced her to closest hospital.

food in lungs.
possible brain damage.
weeping. jan in icu. i was out
of town.  so scared. darkest
moment of my life.  10-12 minutes to
resuscitate her. ventilator.

the massive unknowns.
called my neighbor. her
husband is out of town.
we crawled in bed.  i held her
hand.  snuggled close.

children of  the Great I Am.   
how much better? cling to Him.

just running. weeping. trying to
keep the praise going.

fell flat on face. guest bedroom.
praising Him. my spirit dancing.
victory is my war cry. 
victory is my song.
please keep
praying. so gratefully. love, ann

Saturday, July 20

oh, the beauty and comfort
of your words.  your prayers
for jan and me.  such kindness.
please forgive me for not
blogging.  two days after jan's
diagnosis, my orthopedist said
i have to have surgery on my
left foot...or the pain will never
go away.

and maybe i will never
be able to run again.

big, ugly, cruel words
splashed across the core
of my running passion.  i 
think you have to be a runner
to really grasp this.

but God can pick up shattered
glass and glue it back together.
He has given water when we are
thirsty and bread when we are
hungry.  Living Bread.  He never
allows a bruised reed to break.
and when i punched my window
down today...and stuck a $10 bill
in a  begger's hand, i truly saw
the face of God.  yes! i did.  the
very reason Jesus died was
for this man. and i shared Jesus
with Him.  a glorious thing!!!

"You are my Hiding Place.
You always fill my life with
songs of  deliverance whenever
i am afraid...i will trust in You...
"i will trust in You..
let the weak say i am strong
in the strength of the Lord."

please know.
wherever your wounds are,
there stands the Savior.
and without sorrow,
i would not be kind and tender,
but blind and empty and insensitive.

i will always be running
the Race.  and always reaching
out my hand for yours. after
all, we are warriors for the Savior
of the universe.

roll around 
in the comfort
of His big, soft lap.
and may we all remember
God is ENOUGH.

Wednesday, July 17

jan invited me

to join her and tom
when they went in today to
see the oncologist.

she is no longer in remission.
her numbers are high, and
they are starting her on a
potent medicine daily. also,
the doctor didn't realize jan had
an identical twin sister. they
can use me, if needed, for a second
bone marrow transplant.

tom returned to his executive
office, and i drove jan and me
home. we crawled into bed,
side by side, for the rest of
the day. shell-shocked.
holding hands. crying ourselves
to sleep.

"energize the limp hands.
strengthen the rubbery knees.
tell feaful souls,
"courage! take heart!
God is here, right here,
on His way to put things right.
and redress all wrongs.
He's on His way! He'll save
you." isaiah 35

jan and i have always
been together. shared
the womb and since.
please pray for our family.
especially jan. i dearly
love you all.

Monday, July 15

jan goes to her oncologist
to find out if she is still in

last night,
taylor and i flew back
to sacramento from pennsylvania.
saying good-bye to my children.
and my grandbaby.  a pure treasure!

i'm trying to not be fearful
about jan.  to not be sad that
my happy days back east are
over for now.  or downcast
that taylor boards amtrak early
in the morning for monterey.
he and tony have two bookcovers
to complete.  deadline due.

colson called.
"mom, i've had a lot of hardship,
but what would i have to offer
others if my life had been easy?"

oh,  i pray i can wear shoes
again instead of flip-flops.  and 
that debby has re-entered her
world with peace.

isn't life a journey?  a constant
adjusting to the
highs and lows. the bumps
and skids handed to us.  often
every day.

jan is known for ordering
things off t.v..  last  night,
when taylor and I arrived from
the airport (tom and jan were
in san francisco
with their sons), I saw an un-
opened box with "tummy tuck"
on it.

"oh, ann, it was one of those
crazy ideas.  you wear it so many
hours a day, and it slowly
melts your fat away.  i thought it
would be good for tom, but  began to realize it could hurt
his feelings. i'm sending it back.."

tom and taylor and i laughed
hard. tom is the best-looking
executive anywhere.

it was the laugh we all needed.
and then...
"His yoke  is easy, His burden
is light.  i've found it so...i've
found it so.  He leadeth me by
day and by night...where
healing waters flow."

time to get back in my
groove. you know the hardest
moment every day is opening
my eyes each morning.  i'm so
NOT a morning person.   yet, 
for many years,i flew out of bed.
pulled on work-out clothes....and
did a 10-20 mile run.

take time to walk in his Word.
to form quiet moments where
you can hear God. the road map
is always different.

and  tell it to  Jesus .
"He is a friend that's well known.
there's no other such a friend
and brother. tell it to Jesus

how i love each of you.
you are warriors with me.
all for Jesus. 

Saturday, July 13

there are few things i enjoy
more than having my children
call to talk...

fifty minutes ago,
brock second oldest.
besides working for bank of
america, which bores him almost
to tears, he plays bass in a band.
he sees the right band, always,
with one thought:  this could be
the bridge to broken people.
he eats and drinks the dream. yearns for the reality,  
and we've spoken hours ....
talked miracles...of this longing
in his heart.

taylor and i are still in pennsylvania.
what great  hours.  i knew it
would go too fast.  colben says,
"grandma should sit here by me."

taylor has carried him everywhere.
walked the dog since brandt worked
today.  drives the rental.  changed

then, colson called.
how much he loved us.
"mom, i'm really sick.
something doesn't feel
what is the hardest, most
important job...the most difficult
assignment of my life?!
motherhood. parenting.

out of the blue, Debby...said, "let's
do a little shopping."   something
i rarely do for myself."

let's do our best
to make life...
more beautiful....

to smile easily.....
and lift each others' burdens.
especially those in our
families.  sometimes the hardest to


brandt and jasmine


Thursday, July 11

no time to detail the blessing
and love and commaraderie
of our time with brandt and
jasmine and
and debby and taylor and me.
enclosed are pics of memories.
please pray..and somehow
catch the fun. much love,  ann

brandt and jasmine
colben and taylor
colben and taylor

taylor and debby

Wednesday, July 10

long flights to
after 2 a.m.

thinking of all your
prayers.  your investment
of love toward my son and
daughter-in-law and
grandbaby.  how i love you
all, and thank you.  for caring.
believing.  being an integral
part of our little family.  thank
you, debra, for letting brandt
stay with you until an apartment
was found....and jasmine and
the baby made it here.

isn't Jesus wonderful?!!
"He's higher than we ever
could imagine...and closer than
our eyes can ever see...magnificent!
He alone is holy..."
10, 000 reasons

this isn't much of a blog.
but i wanted to send my
gratitude.  i wanted to glorify
Jesus.  that Jesus helped me
make this trip .....injured foot
and all. this is a gift, and i'm
so grateful.

yesterday, i stopped by to see
my little, korean friend, veronica.
she kissed the cross around my

"i wear this because i am a
Christian. what is your spiritual
belief,  veronica?"

she didn't seem to understand,
but threw her arms around me,
kissing me.

"oh, ann, i'll love you forever!"

i believe for my neighbor.
"I will not doubt though all my
ships come sailing home with
broken masts and sails..."

because Jesus is.
because nothing can stop His love.
because we are all so broken,
and He is our only, true Deliverer.

Tuesday, July 9

taylor (who could fit his job
around this) and i are getting
to fly to pennsylvania to
see brandt and jasmine and
colben.  yeahhhhh!!!

to see the firehouse. their
new  apartment.  oh, to wrap
colben in my arms...and kiss
and tickle him until he giggles.
i've missed him (all of them)
so much.  because of my left
foot, i really need taylor to help
me on the long, cross-country

of course, i'll be wearing one
of those fancy, walking boots
(sigh).  i hope you don't judge
me for not being pushed in a
wheel chair through airports.
i think i'm just not spiritually
humble enough.  a sense of anxiety
begins to rise in my throat just
thinking about it.  today, how i
respect all who are wheel-chair

my friend, debby, is coming, too.
she found a specialist....foot, 
ankle...and i'm taking the catscan.
another opinion before another

we all so need to have something
to look forward to.  there are many
moments of desolation in life.
mornings kill me.  the courage
to face a new day.  a darkness
that slips in between my shoulder
blades...and out the tips of my
fingers.   Jesus is my plea.
my only Hope.  

brock called.
"mom, i saw such a broken, sad
man today. i gave him $16, and
told him Jesus loved Him."

"darling, you couldn't tell me
anything that could touch me
more.  you are making a difference
for Jesus in a crushed world.
oh, brock, darling, i love you."

my fellow friends and warriors...
press forward.   grab the hem
of Christ's garment and allow the
tenderness of His vast compassion
and love and deliverance sweep
away the enemy's lies.  words
that speak everything NOT true
and pure.

i stand beside you.
and will...until my last breath
on earth.  ann

Monday, July 8


"I will sprinkle clean water on
you, and you shall be clean."
ezekiel 36

new heart and spirit.
self-will abandoned.
just what i long for.
to be like Jesus.

the gal behind the front counter
at my beauty shop is darling.
when i was in saturday, i noticed
her nail polish. mentioned that
i loved acrylics. just
polish on nail.

"ann, do you want me
to do your nails?"

she whispered that it was
so slow...saturday afternoon..and
she was bored.

she was carefully polishing.
"linda, do you have a personal
faith?  a spiritual relationship
with Jesus?"

"well, i was raised catholic, but
i don't go to church....."

an ordinary day.
started like all the rest.
a prayer first thing:
"Jesus, i am just ann.
one ordinary woman.
please give me someone
to love to You, today."

i love them.
the pure, untarnished
moments when Jesus taps
you on the shoulder, and
reminds you this is one of
those moments for Him.
oh, it is the greatest stuff
in all my life.  loving and
serving Jesus.

be watching.
quiet enough to know
when God has set up the
perfect setting to share Him.

i so love you all.
thanks again for your loving
comments.  forgive me for
not responding personally
more often.  your words keep
me going.

Saturday, July 6

july 4

july 4, in monterey.
breezy. hair-swept. the sun
dancing on the rippling, busy
waves among throngs of people.

taylor and i start out.
camera slung over one shoulder...
and with his other arm, taylor
hanging on to me.  pain meds
in my system so i can walk.
a photo shoot to achieve, and
rocks to climb over..and steps
to conquer. maneuvering through
wind and sun placement in the
sky and cars and bikes and
many smiling faces.

having to take this pain medication
is definitely not addiction, but
survival.  watching runners put
tears in my eyes.  i dream of
the day i can toss the pills,
and even just walk without
searing knife jabs.  at least we
finally know i'm not just a
"slow heal";  the bone just
never fused.

this is, as i've mentioned, for
the new cover of my book,
"seduced by success..".
deliverance. wholeness.  and
having my sweet, tall, lean
son.. fresh out of school with
his film degree...position me.
and study the sky. and smile
in whole-hearted support, while
snapping away.  how much
better can it get?!!

i was done.  enough.
we headed for the most
authentic, french bakery
and ordered a princess cake
with marzipan.  an almond croissant. two baby quiches,
and a raspberry pastry. cold
drinks. a cozy table.

we inhaled it all.
we both have that blessing
of calories somehow sliding
right out of our systems to
places far away and unknown.
my mother weighed 125 pounds
almost her entire life, and at
5'8", i'm even a little less.

there are many other things
i don't have that i wish for. i
hope that before i die, someone
will discover a pill you can swallow
that instantly turns white skin
dark.  maybe not' til heaven.

i pray you had a blessed
fourth!  happy birthday, sara!

"i will tell of the kindnesses
of the Lord....yes, the many good
things He has done..."  isaiah 63


"ann, and private photographer...taylor"

Friday, July 5


the right ones,
spoken in kindness,
can make someone's day.

jan's husband got me to the
amtrak station at 5:45 this
morning.  because taylor is
doing this photo shoot for
national distribution  of
"seduced by success", i
had to bring various outfits.

i had my purse and a puma bag
over one shoulder..and a giant,
$1 marshall's bag stuffed with
special camera and tripod and
mucho my right
hand.  waiting for a cart to take
me a mile away to my train,
a beautiful, black woman came
and waited next to me.

"oh, i love your top!" she said.
my eyes widened.  sparkling.

"thank you!" i replied.

"oh, and i love that braid
in your hair.  i'm a beautitcian, 
so i notice things like that!"

i'm not an early morning
person, and my bad foot
makes standing so painful.
but my heart nearly stopped.
one of my favorite missions
is to speak beauty to others,
and God had actually sent
a stranger to do that for me!

"my name is ann.  you know,
words are so  powerful.  they
can instantly change someone's
day...for good or for bad.  thank
you for such kind words.  i
didn't feel very special until
you spoke to me."

my eyes became liquid pools
of gratitude and joy.

"i'm on my way to my brother's
funeral in los angeles..."

"oh, that makes me sad.
was his death sudden?"

"he died of liver cancer."
her beautiful grandbaby was 
in her arms.  assuring her that
i would be praying...that i was
so thankful we had Jesus in
these moments of our lives...
i got on the cart, and was
whisked away.

the Bible says so much about
words.  one of my favorites is:
"a gentle word turns away wrath."

no matter what lovely things
we think about someone, they are
worthless unless we speak
them.  it is a free gift we can
give every day.  above all
others, speak beauty to your

beautiful words.
wrap your children in them.
paint them across the sky.
speak them in the grocery store.
at the dry cleaners. to the
cashier at the bank.

all day,
i thought of those lovely
words spoken to me. i chewed
on them. rolled them around
in my brain.  snuggled into
the warmth they brought me.

and every single comment
you post to me is like glistening,
fresh rain on a brutally-hot day.
thank you so much for taking
time to speak love to me.

Thursday, July 4

"i can see Jesus making miracles today"

i stood in the fenced-in
backyard...almost all my clothes
peeled off.  my dear friend...the
only one except jan who i'd trust
to be so exposed.  a can of tanning
spray in her hand.

very early, i am climbing onto
amtrak for monterey.  taylor is
doing a photo shoot for "seduced
by success."

i'm so crazy in love
with my sons.  i just don't
get excited about cameras
focused on me.

taylor wants the blue sky and
california pacific ocean to somehow
carry the beauty of God's deliverance in my life.
white flowing something 
to wear. wind in my hair.

oh, i want to fly.
to gather the lonely
and broken.  to
promise that Jesus IS
the Deliverer.  

please pray for taylor these
few days.  for me.
it's fun....but i just want
Jesus to be glorified.

i can see Jesus 
making miracles.
let's start today.

Wednesday, July 3

"call unto Me..."

i drove to sacramento
last night.  tom insists i sleep
with jan when i visit.

at 2:10 a.m.,
i stumbled out of bed
for the bathroom.  smashed
my sore toes into a wall....
and got back in bed, holding
jan's hand.  moaning. pain
makes me a baby.

67 yr. old women...
snuggled. side by side.
like third graders. talking.
squeezing hands.

"oh, ann, this is like
childhood.   like forever."

runners focused on
the Race.
you. me.  driven....but
not too much so because
we must try and find all we can
who will grab our hands  and
run with us to the Eternal City.

lift up your hands and sing. the highest...
hosanna  to the King!"

Jesus sent an angel along.
truly, a real one.
brock turned his apple
computer into a pawn shop for 
a week, to get money, and got
his car fixed..  taylor got an
extra day's work .  God's angel
dropped some cash into their
accounts.  completely stunning
us all.

"call unto Me and I will 
show you great and mighty
things you  know
unto Me. "

Tuesday, July 2

"delight yourself in the Lord"

"delight the Lord......
and He will give you the desires
of your heart.."

-colson texted that it sure got
hard being broke for a month.

-brock called and said his car
wouldn't start.

-taylor has a fantastic, part-time
job....well, two...but really needs
more income with college loans
to pay off..

i see people, every day, who are
the "hurt...the maimed..the poor.."

what does "delight" mean?
i long for my children and me to
get it.  to be grateful for ALL we
have.   to celebrate the laughter
of a child.  the breeze against our
skin.  how beautiful it feels to
look up and see someone smiling
at us.  the feel of colben's hand
in mine.  oh, i miss that little boy.

even though my last
blog just disappeared off the
screen.  and a cat scan showed
that the bones that were fused
in my foot had not fused as they
were supposed to.  and though
the clouds turn dark and oceans
roar...and the earth shakes.

commit it all to Jesus..and
He will bring the needs and
desires to fulfillment.

Monday, July 1

"come to the water"

colson texted:
"being broke for a whole
month gets to you."   

the most important thing to
colson is his rent.  he's been
eating top ramen every day.
we were talking this afternoon,
and i was reminding him that
Jesus always comes through.

a very, very, very sweet angel
put money in his account.  unbe-
known to us. Jesus always,
somehow, in time, makes a way.
colson was craving a hot dog.
God took care of it.  i wept.
woohoooo for Jesus.

i plan to take amtrak to
monterey on tuesday.  taylor
is doing a photo shoot for the
cover of the reprint of  "seduced
by success."   last week,  his
partner, tony pinillos, took 98 different shots of me for
"i'm running to win."

taking my picture is one of
my least-favorite activities,
by the way.  i just suck it up
and pray; so much rather be out
changing the world for Jesus.

life really is NOT about us.
i only see me    
as a vessel...
and a very inept one at that.
today,  i accomplished almost
nothing.  saw so many co-dependent pieces about myself.
went to church, but somehow
lost my way in the middle of
the sermon.

i've earnestly prayed.. and
promised God i will do better

here are some children i try
to invest in. struggling situations.

"and Jesus says...
come to the water.
stand by my side.
I know you felt every tear that I cried.... and I'm here to remind you
that for your tears I died-.."