Sunday, June 30

are you feeling weary..

"i feel like traveling on.
the Lord has been so good
to me...i feel like traveling on..."

"are you feeling weary,
heavy-laden. tell it to Jesus.
tell it to Jesus...."

i had a stalwart, dead-center
Christian. someone millions
have looked up to. he was on
the phone. wondering how the
battle was going with me. my
friend? he was plain tired of the

have we forgotten
that God delivers
us from the paws of
the lions?!

fellow warriors,
run for the victory that
overcomes the world.
let the tears flow. let the
rocks and gravel knock us
to the ground ..... but get
up. grab an outstretched
hand. balance back on your
feet. and never be deterred
by the difficulties. we are running
to win. at any cost.

thank you for all the prayers
for jan and me. they mean
everything to us. have a holy
Sabbath. amen.

Friday, June 28

"it's a beautiful day in the

remember mr. rogers?
taylor and brock LOVED
the familiar routine of his
taking off his sweater,
and hanging it in the closet.
children need consistency.

"good morning, Jesus!"
no matter how i feel when
i open my eyes every morning,
i LOVE Jesus. He's been my
Comrade all my life. i've laughed
with Him. sobbed. and i've
always been thankful for another
day of life.

"why my soul art thou downcast?
why so disturbed within me? put
your hope in God. for i will yet
praise Him. my Savior and my
God." psalm 42:11

I have one son who is living
with a girl. one out of four.
oh, he is truly brilliant and
incredible...and my heart is
so tightly squeezed around
him in love. he makes me so
proud. his heart marches to
a rhythm of trust in Jesus.

"but this is about love, mom.
real, honest to goodness love."

i love him madly.
i know he is young.

"see that young man over there?
that's my son. i'm the richest
lady in the world. i get to be
his mom. nothing can altar my

again, prayer is my weapon.
as a mother, i cry out. and i
don't harass my children. i
taught them the love and laws
of God for many years. i
continue to believe Jesus can
lead my sons to truth. that un-
conditional love wins.

have a beautiful week-end.
look for the poor and broken.
remember..except for the grace
of God...there we are headed.
i love you....all.

Wednesday, June 26

my identical twin.
shared the womb together.
one. before air and laughter
and camaraderie; before
utter love and souls intertwined.

yesterday .. the news that pinched
my shaky core. .sent
chills down my spine.

i have run straight to jan
in my most traumatized
moments.and wrapped my
soul around hers.

she is like my sons.
my morning sky and afternoon
sun and every evening, setting

i open my hands fully.
telling Jesus jan is ALL HIS.
He can take or leave.
because we are His.
living of dying.

i hate cancer,
but i love jan,
and i must trust God.
to the end.

Sunday, June 23

brock called.
"hi, mom.  just calling to see
how you are."

"well, darling, i have been
thanking God for my struggles.
you know. my feet especially.
i just know Jesus honors praise."

"mom, you know i've been in
training at bank of america.  i'm
now going to be a manager over
the managers. this job isn't challenging at all, mom."

"brock, i've been compelled to 
pray recently about your work.
honey, i want your life to count
for Jesus.  i want the world to be
better because you are in it."

"you are brilliant, brock.  there
is nothing you can't do...."

"i know, mom...but i keep this job 
because i have band practice at

brock has always felt called to
play in a band.  "mom, there
are so many mixed-up kids
that go to concerts."

i'm nodding my head on the
other end of the phone.  praying .

"mom, i get your thoughts.
it seems i'm not helping anyone.
this morning, coming out of
the grocery store, i saw a homeless
man, and handed him $40."

"that makes me so happy, brock.
a lady is here helping me clean.
she puts aside a little money
every week,  she told me,  just
to share it with broken people
she passes."

"yeah, that's what i try to do, too."

"her son gets upset because he
believes these people just go
and get alcohol and drugs...but
you know what she told him?"

"it's none of my business. i give
because there go I but for the
grace of God!!"

"brilliant, huh?!"

"well, honey, just keep talking
to Jesus about your future....."

"i will, mom.."

" aren't wearing those
earrings that stretch your earlobes
out, are you?"

he burst into laughter.
"no, mom.  i got my ears pierced,
but not for those.  but you know
i  am hoping to get a tattoo next
month if i can afford it.  
mom, i've been wanting
one since i was 19, and i am just
turning 28."

"i know, doll.  i've been preparing myself all these years
for this to happen.  you've waited  a long time."

i was entirely too afraid and
nervous  to ask if kristi, his girlfriend, had any new tattoos.
every time i see her, there are
additional ones.

colson has a new job.
his bike is fixed, and he callled
en route home one evening.
i could hear horns blasting.
colson said a few choice words
 to a couple drivers.
i just closed  my eyes and prayed.

it will take all of God's vast
mercy and grace...and all our
"crying-out" prayers to help our
children make it in this dark,
perverse world.

as parents who long for depth
in their children's spirituality...
as wayfarers sludging through
the mud of despair...
"get away with Me and you'll
recover your life.  I'll show you how to take a real rest.. 
walk with Me and work with how I do it. 
learn the unforced rhythms
of grace (a blog reader introduced me to .this passage).  
keep company with Me, and you'll
learn to live freely and lightly."
matthew 11:28-30

pray for me.
i'm getting addicted to gummy
bears. pure sugar!
i love you all!

Thursday, June 20

sitting around the big table
in the co-dependent group of
celebrate recovery.  two new
women.  i was so moved by the
"stuff" verbally unloaded and
revealed.  each confession popped with such wounded vulnerability.

"are you weary? are you heavy-
hearted?  tell it to Jesus.  tell it
to Jesus...."(old hymn)

tonight i am.
i hurt someone's feelings,
unintentionally, last night.  i
fell through my front door.
sobbing uncontrollably.  crying
out to Jesus.  oh, Jesus is my
Husband.  dearer than anyone
and all else in the world.

and then,
there are my feet..
they hurt so much, and my
long, skinny legs yearn to run

i have my one, dear friend
who tries to keep me on the
straight and narrow....and i do 
so long to be all for Jesus, but
it's hard to see worth in myself.

now i've confessed to you.
i want you to know that inspite
of my struggles, Jesus shows
me every day, that He really loves
me.  are you watching?  He's
showing you, too.

"isn't He wonderful?
wonderful. wonderful.
isn't Jesus, my Lord, wonderful.
eyes have seen.
ears have heard.
it's recorded in God's Word...
isn't Jesus, my Lord, wonderful!!"
(long-ago chorus)

today, i headed to the dry
cleaners.  right there, in front of
me, stood little veronica. my
korean friend.  she ran to me.  i
threw my arms around her.
kissed and kissed her cheeks.
as she did mine.

" you getting too skinny!"
and she hugged me.
"oooh, i love way you dress!
your style!"
and i thanked her.
and pointed to my feet.
one with an ugly, surgery shoe
on it.  the other with a cute
sandal, but an ace bandage
intertwined around my ankle and

she put a sad look on her face.
"i sorry. but i miss you so..."

i love you..and i pray for you...
and God smiles on you...and.."

our eyes shining with tears.
"the greatest thing in all my life
is serving You.  the greatest thing
in all my life is serving You.  i
want to serve You more. i want
to love You more...the greatest
thing in all my life is serving You."

taste the love of Jesus today.
be joyful in the glorious adventure
of loving others to Him.  i know
nothing more thrilling.  to
touch a heart, and see Jesus.
the best. the greatest.
in all the world.

Tuesday, June 18

this is one of my favorite
passages in the Bible:

" who are blessed by
my Father:

I was hungry and you fed Me.
I was thirsty and you gave Me   
    a drink.
I was homeless and you gave Me
     a room.
I was shivering and you gave Me
I was sick and you stopped to visit.
I was in prison and you came to

"Master, what are You talking
about?....."whenever you did one of
these things to someone overlooked
or ignored, that was
did it to Me."    matthew 25

watch today.
while you are shopping.
when you run in to get a cold
drink somewhere.

people..teeming ...
with needs.  the wounded.
"masses yearning to be free..."
there is a Savior.
and we are His hands and
eyes and heart.  He is ALL
about love.  so we must be.

i am out to change my world.
please join  me.
you and Jesus and i and love.

Monday, June 17

great news!!
brandt and jasmine were
able to get the apartment they
wanted.  a dear friend came
up with a brilliant idea, and
management went for it.

i miss them.
my little doll-baby, colben.
debra, a blog friend, allowed
brandt to stay with her and
her husband until the apartment
situation was resolved.
it meant so much!!

a year ago,
almost to this day,
there was a cookout next door.
i was invited..and met a
friend's handsome, twenty-plus
year old son.  we visited.  he
opened his heart to me.  very

i walked back to my little  
house.  hot. filled with good
food.  and as i shut the front
door behind me, i suddenly felt
i had to return to this young man
and tell him something.  like.a compelling force...God Himself...
guiding me.  telling me what i
must say.

fussing with 
God for a few moments....
this kid and i had already had
a long talk, and it seemed a little
foolish to return to the party after
i'd  given my good-byes.  i
spun around. opened  the door..
before i could talk myself out of
hearing God's voice.

"jason, Jesus spoke to me.
brought me back to you.  He
told me if you would completely
surrender your life to Him, He
will give you the desires of your

my eyes were damp with tears.
piercing earnestness met by
the same in his face.

"don't forget this, jason.
come by and i'll lead you to
Him.  the Lord."

tonight, i was invited to dinner
next door.  almost an exact year
later.  only six of us. jason was one of the six.   suddenly, 
in front of everyone, i reminded
him of that conversation.  he
countered with  things said that
i'd forgotten.   he said he would
be by this wednesday.  a serious,
gentle look on his face.

"come unto Me all ye who labor
and are heavy-laden..and I will
give you rest..."

all anxiety and burdens
laid in the dust of our own
agitation.  and we crawl into
the safe lap of God.  free.
free at last.  please pray!

Sunday, June 16

"strip down. start running...and
never quit!   no extra spiritual fat, 
no parasitic sins.  keep your  eyes on Jesus, Who both began and
finished this Race we're in.

"Jesus never lost sight of where He
was headed...that exhilarating
finish in and with God."  hebrews 12

three days post-op.
i can feel your prayers
every day.  i don't know when
i can run again, but my eyes are
on the Goal.  i am claiming the
healing you all have been praying
tomorrow is father's day.
i am always sad because my
children have no father. i'm praying that some of you men will reach
out and wrap your arms not
only around your children....but
someone on the outside without
a father.

there have been some very
gracious men in the last, almost
thirteen years since will died.
men who have encircled my
sons with love and compassion.
and i will never forget.

"so clear the path for long-distance
runners so no one will trip and fall.  
help each other out. and run 
for it."  hebrews 12

a beautiful, blessed father's day.
i celebrate each of you.
may we ALL run straight to the
Finish Line.

special love to nash ream, 
my nephew, who is running the
san francisco marathon today.

Wednesday, June 12's 2 p.m..
surgery accomplished .. 
no complications.  appears

Jesus says, "come unto Me."
with all our burdens and
weariness and unsolved
mysteries and questions.

you rest.

well, i came to Jesus today.
and when i arrived in the Temple
of His glorious Presence, i
found many of you there, too.
praying for me. praising our
glorious Savior.

i don't know exactly where
Jesus is leading all of us.  i
simply grasp that He is.
thank you, beyond words,
for being in my life.  

the numbing medication
is starting to wear off on my foot.
i am trusting Jesus to see me
through.  my doctor warned me
it could be tough the next  few
days.  but i wanted you all to
know the picture.  with so much
gratitude and love.....

Tuesday, June 11

when my children call,
we talk..and i listen..until
the atmosphere is such
that they are safe enough to
tell me what they really need
to talk about.

it brings back all the memories
of bedtime when they were very
small.  it was a ritual.  I would lie
next to each one in the darkness
of their bedrooms. hold a little
hand, and have them tell me
anything they wanted before they
fell asleep.

four little boys.
scrubbed clean from baths.
and they would tell me things
that had  never been spoken in
the glare of daylight.

"mommy, my friend laughed
at me today."

"honey, that sounds terrible.
it must have really hurt your

"it did. and he made fun of
my shoes, too."

Jesus is so safe to me.
oh, i can run to Him in my
darkness, and i know He loves
and embraces me.  i feel so
unworthy of such love, but
i don't let that stop me.  there
is nothing my children can
do to separate me from them,
and everything i know about
unconditional love, i've learned
from Jesus. He is the Author of it!!!

the picture of me posted a
couple days ago was snapped
by my friend at a bishop's house.
a brilliant, charming, anglican
bishop who had invited seven
of us to dinner.

over hor'deuves, he began to
tell stories of healings.   and
that Jesus never prayed for
people to be healed. He just
commanded it.

almost all of us needed
healing somewhere.  my
left foot, with ligament damage,
still makes it excruciating to
walk.  four months, and if i
walk on it for two hours, it
swells to distortion.  my skinny,
quick, runner's foot.  my right
foot has developed a lump of
bone at the base of my big toe.
pushing the toe inward like a
severe pigeon-toe.  tomorrow,
i must go back into surgery to
have it corrected.

i swallow two pain pills to get
up in the morning and just
walk to the bathroom.  it has
terrified me.  the doctor,  a top
ankle-foot specialist, made it
sound so uncomplicated.

sitting in front of the bishop,
head bowed, several priests,
and my friends' hands  on me, 
bishop schofield prayed...and
then commanded, in the Name
of Jesus, that my feet be whole.

nothing has happened yet,
but would you please be
praying?  i'm tough-spirited.
my feet have carried me
thousands and thousands of
miles.  my doctor always says
i have the strongest heartbeat.
it can only belong to a runner.

pain pills (by far not the strongest)
do not destroy my sobriety because
this is pain so wrenching that i
can't describe it.  it gives me chills
and makes my stomach hurt.

"as the deer panteth for the water,
so my soul longeth after Thee.
Thou alone art my heart's desire,
and i long  to worship Thee.

"You, alone, are my Strength
and Shield.  to You, alone, doth
my spirit yield.  You  alone are my
heart's desire...and i long to
worship You."

where, fellow warriors, do you
need healing?  where is your pain?
we are going to stand  together.
waiting for God's command,
"be healed!"

Monday, June 10

my 12-step group

"for the joy set before Him..
for the joy, He endured the pain.
for the joy, He suffered the shame...
"and He'd do it all again.
yes, He'd do it all again...
for the joy...."

i've just read bk. of
philippians. ONE THING ONLY.

"but one thing i do: forgetting
what is behind...and straining
toward what is ahead. press on
toward the goal to win...."

push forward.
don't even look back.
we are runners. warriors.
not to be deterred.
oh, i lose the picture
so quickly.

but i want to be a ONE THING
PERSON. always looking to
Jesus. seeking to be His.
following with wide-heart
and joyful anticipation.

Sunday, June 9

i know you understand
pain and sorrow and loss and
fear. for me, they have become some of my best friends.
let me add failure to the top of this

either we choose
to become bitter and
resentful, or we join hands
with these pieces of life that
break and bend us. all my
successes have really contributed
nothing to my character and
compassion and kindness.
nothing. and if we are truly
honest, we understand that we
deserve no credit for achievements
anyway. that is the stuff of an
amazing God, bestowed upon
us even as unworthy as we are.

that is a part of
every day in my life. at least
one tinge of judgment crosses
my mind. or i'm late to church. or
i neglect more time with
Jesus. or i worry and fret
more than i pray and trust.
but failure has taught me kindness
and pure love for all those around
me. it continues to lift me out
of myself and into a cavern of
caring for everyone i see. failure has woven gentleness
through my soul and out my
fingertips and into the muscles
of my careless thoughts.

brandt called.,
his voice uneven. quiet.
so opposite from this morning....
when he said he'd found a
two bedroom, one bath apartment
for them. thrilled. excited.

"mom, they told me
my credit wasn't good
enough. i have never been
late or missed my rent. ever!
i have my budget for jasmine
and me and colben...and i've
been paying off our first year's
debt every month. no one
has rejected me before, mom."
24 years old. married almost
four years. a father.

brock called, en route to the
airport for los angeles, and
his band concert this week-end.

"mom, i left an envelope under
my doormat for colson. all
his money went to rent so i
left him $30 for groceries, and
$6 for a pack of cigarettes. but
he has to walk 14 miles to
pick it up because i was about
to miss my flight. i feel really

taylor eats one meal a day.
almost six foot three, and
thinking of college loans
accruing interest now that
he's graduated.

my hair..pulled back in a ponytail.
my face streaked with tears.

"fear nothing......
not wild wolves or flying arrows.
not disease. not disaster.....
because God's your Refuge.
the High God your very own home."

to you. to my sister, jan. to
my children....remember,
"God's eye is on the sparrow.
and He watches over you."

Saturday, June 8

wednesday was brandt's
first day on the job in
harrisburg, pa. he had
a chance to look around.
get his bearings while jasmine
and colben are at her parents'
in pittsburgh. he thinks he knows
which little town he'd like for
them to live.

one of you,
who reads this blog,
lives outside harrisburg....
and she has opened her home
to brandt. he is sleeping under
her roof tonight because of her
vast love. her endearing kindness
for another mother's son. the very
first real friend for brandt and jasmine
in this new journey. thank you,
my dear, beautiful debra!!

and those God uses
to help build the pieces.
miracles really can live.
they do.
but Jesus has to have
a team of assistants to
literally take the world at
its core, and rearrange the
normal, common, self-created
ways of mankind. He shifts the
universe, and realigns the stars,
and sweeps across the doubts of
pee-wee, human thoughts.

and i will worship.
worship. because....
"He is higher than we ever could
imagine...and closer than our eyes could
ever see...magnificent!....He alone is worthy.."
10,000 reasons

you have been a part of this miracle
with our little family because of your
prayers and faith and love. may the
enormous kindness of God cover every
ripple in your souls today. and
surprise you with miracles, too.

Friday, June 7

here is taylor as he heads
back to monterey. computer
all back in one piece. genius
stuff for me. it's so great to
have my children visit. to have
them flop across the bed and
talk. show me something i can't
figure out on this phone.

i don't know exactly what it is,
but my kids and i are just secure
when we're together. we seem
to see the best in each other.
to feel safe. it's about the wars,
i think. the battles and hardships.
puzzle pieces fitting together so we are each
protected on every side. backs
against each other to lean on.

jasmine, my daughter now(brandt's
wife) is so treasured by me.
she's seen me as i really am...
and has a bad ankle from boot
camp so she understands
this foot ordeal. she had all of
us in the delivery room when
colben was born. i kiss her
and wish, with all my heart,
that my skin was dark like

we are all broken...
but it works best like that.
our faults and hurts draw us
together, and one doesn't just
walk away easily from your
best buddies in the world. i
mean, we've seen each other
cry. naked. fighting. failing.
nothing can really be hidden.

"I will restore to you health,
and heal your wounds..declares
the Lord." jeremiah 30:17

may Jesus heal all the wounds
your families carry. may He
bring health to the hard edges
that seem to cut and tear at
each other in the circle. i say if
you have more than one child,
one of them will always keep you
very humble. just where we need
to be.

out of the blue,
two people contributed to
my loving my world to Jesus.
it is not in me, truly, to ask
anyone for money. i didn't even
know the request for a car was
listed by someone on my blog
page. i will never get over that
miracle! and the gifts today.

all of you have become a part
of the children and me. if you
have prayed. sent me a card.
forgiven all the failures i confess
to. if you have stood beside my
children and me, it means everything. i will ALWAYS run
beside you. always. you and
Jesus and me and my children.
we will change the world.

you watch. you wait. you'll see.

Thursday, June 6

last night
was celebrate recovery.
i was in the kitchen, with others,
cleaning up, and realized i didn't have
my car keys.

my children have helped me,
more times, look for keys. often in
the bottom of the trash containers.
always picking up. cleaning. keeping
order. and feeling so rushed that i unload
groceries and other things with keys still
in my hand.

someone with a flashlight
saw the keys on the passenger front seat
of my car....and the car was locked. the
only set of keys i have.

have i mentioned lately
HOW much i love my car?
what it means to me
every day
when i crawl behind the wheel...
that you all made it possible to have
it. no words of gratitude sufficient.

time to call AAA.
the first time to use my card
since i was able to purchase the
membership. call me a queen.
that's how i felt, dialing the 800 number.
i am the owner of a triple a card!!
Jesus covers everything for people
like me who are easily helpless.
if someone put a gun to my head,
and told me to change a tire, he/she
would have to shoot me.

had left the parking lot by now.
suddenly, windy and cold out, with
my friends, tere and sarah, the big, yellow,
tow truck pulled into the large, dark, church
parking lot.

almost in seconds,
the door was opened.
saved by this kind man.

"do you have gas with you?"

"yes, i do. a couple gallons, maybe."

"my friend, sarah, is here. out of gas.
she's not a member, but could we use my
card and service her? she's a mother of six.
very special. and...."

"no problem.
let's do it!" he answered.


he inserts a long funnel,
and begins pouring gas into
sarah's tank while my friends talk.
i move over to the side of the car.

"i don't know if you know Jesus or not...
but i do..and He really appreciates when
people do what you are doing right now.
with Jesus, kindness counts, and i want you
to know that He will bless you in a special
way...right where you need it...for doing this."

his face open. warm eyes.
easy smile. nodding his head.
sort of like,
"o.k., lady. that's nice."

as i walk him back to his truck,
i ask him what i owe him for the gas...
and he says nothing.

"is there someone i can
contact to put in a good word
for you? a superior?"

he hands me a card.
we shake hands.
"God bless you, sir."

my prayers were answered
for the day. i got to talk about Jesus
to someone God put right in front of my
face. my very favorite thing to do. because
Jesus is really the ONLY One worthy enough
to lift up. and so many don't know him. or
are alienated from Him. it was such a thrill.

i don't know what Jesus is going to do
for him, but He knows right where this man
needs Him most. God knows exactly how to
soothe his wounds and troubles that no one but
God knows about.

"if i had a thousand lives to live,
i'd live them all for Jesus.
if i had a thousand hearts to give,
i'd give them all to Him...."

"a thousand tongues to sing His praise
could NOT tell half His wondrous ways.
if i had a thousand lives to live,
i'd live them all for Jesus."
(favorite, old hymn)

Tuesday, June 4

"take a long, loving look at Me,
your high God. above politics,
and everything....

"Jacob-wrestling God fights
for us. God-of-angel-armies
protects us."
ps.46 The Message

monday morning.
take a deep breath.
a fresh day with God.
new beginning of a week.

i plan to be quiet.
well, as thoughtful and
peaceful and few of words
as is possible for ann kiemel
anderson. smile.

one of the most difficult
pieces of this foot-healing
process is that i've been
separated from the world.
not running. few errands.
off feet as much as possible.
and i'm lonely for the world.

you know.
all those that need a smile.
a hug. a kind word. so many
hungry for Jesus...and just
don't know. how often
does the world hear the name
of Jesus? i want to be out there.

four of my blogs have just
disappeared right off the screen.
gone! forever!! please know i
work to get a blog out every
day, but with me, we are dealing
with a tech wannabe. will keep
working on this.

remember. we are running
the BIG Race. it's a battle.
some can't run very fast. some
trip and fall frequently. in love.
run to win.
run with patience and
kindness toward all.
and be quiet enough to
hear God's voice along the

Monday, June 3

they made it!  safely!
brandt and jasmine.
2yr.old colben.
2 dogs in a kennel of a
packed suv.

they drove straight through.
california to pennsylvania.
called the economy plan.
angels' wings flapping as
they followed my children;
guaranteeing safety to
the end.  brandt starts work
in harrisburg june 6.

he got the job!!!
he got the job!!!!
praise Jesus Almighty.
he's a firefighter in the united
states.  three hours from
jasmine's family.

i am so humbled.
Jesus hears every mother
crying out
for her children.

colben, ann

colson now has two jobs..
he manages mcdonald's,
and picked up another part-time
position.   he carries his wallet
with him; id enclosed.  no

"mom, it's the best way for me
to make it.  even if i'm tempted, i
don't have any money to spend.
i have to keep remembering that i
am poor.  that every dollar counts."

taylor and brock have been working
with colson.  helping him to come up with
a system for his money.  they have spent
hours on the phone.  back and forth to each other.

makes me think of the verses in
ecclesiastes 4....
"it's better to have a partner than go it alone.
share the work. share the wealth.
and if one falls down, the other helps.
but if there's no one to help, tough!

"by yourself, you're unprotected.
with a friend, you can face the worst..."

and my favorite:
"a three-stranded rope
isn't easily snapped..."

Jesus, plus two brothers, equals three.
it's one of the most beautiful things i've ever
observed.  my sons always watching each others'
backs.  the strength of three-stranded rope.

taylor is here for the week-end.
working with tony pinillos on the covers
of two of my old books being prepared for
mass-market publication.  "i'm running to win"
and "seduced by success".  please pray for them.
in the process, taylor decided to take his computer
apart.  getting everything geared up for all his

taylor's computer 

and brock's band plays in los angeles
this month.  every time he sends me a picture
of him and his girlfriend, she has a new tattoo somewhere.
oh, i love her.  and she's given me permission to say
these things.  a few tattoos..sort of hidden..don't bother
me.  but, on a girl, i get nervous. jumpy.  yet this is
what pure love is all about.  unconditional love.
complete acceptance.  God is using my children to
teach me so many things.

"let the beauty of Jesus be seen in me.
all His wonderful passion and purity.
oh, Thou Spirit Divine, 
fill this being of mine....
til the beauty of Jesus 
be seen in me."  old chorus

i love you all.

Saturday, June 1

one year in 12-step.
started with nine. ended
with nine.  we all stuck it
out.  laid our sins on the table.
cried.  studied.  had two great
leaders.  we fought together
for recovery.  broken and war-
ravaged  and yearning for

God's peace.
different from the world's.
redeemed and cleansed and
delivered from
all our wayward ways.
the drugs or alcohol or pills
or forms of coping that made
us so much less than what
Jesus wants for us. life
slamming into walls of
despair instead of hope....
and those of us who chose
the wrong coping skills.

it took courage
for me every week go.
i never had my whole lesson
completed.  i felt shy speaking
about me.  the embarrassing. but we were sisters.
truly.  and somehow they all
seemed to love me.  even with
gulping sobs and  pitiful

thank you for such tender,
moving words about brandt's
and jasmine's departure, with
my doll-baby, colben. brandt
not letting me go without wrapping
his massive arms around me.
pulling me into his broad chest.
with his head burned  into my neck.
he held me tightly. trying to pour
his love and strength into me.  
like breathing fire into my shaky
legs so i wouldn't fall, crumpled
onto the ground.  my  baby!  my baby.....

i got into my car 
without tears shed.
eyes shining.  a miracle in 
living color.  once safely down
the freeway, i allowed the tears
to come.  a mother is  always a

i pulled in to get some gas.
knowing a lot of traffic was ahead.
a kid...maybe eight..biked over
to the pump.  donning  a
baseball cap.

"ma'am, do you have money
for a candy bar?"

"yes, of course  let me get
the pump started..."

i rummaged around
my purse. came up with
$1.50.  he took it. stuffing it
in his pocket...and remained,.
with feet planted.  going nowhere.

"do you know Jesus?"
"yeah...but i need more money!"
"child, you need some manners.
that is all i have. just never
forget how much Jesus loves

he biked off without a thanks.
and brandt was down the freeway.
"let the beauty of  Jesus be
seen in me..."

Jesus is our powerful weapon
of love. whether it be an obnoxious
kid ...oh, Jesus loves him!  or...
the sorrows and adventures of
parenting or the courage of
sobriety. march on, warriors.
march on.

loving each of you!!!