Tuesday, January 28

Update on Ann

before the dusty road of the Cross
Ann will be leaving to go home in a few days so she can rest and continue to recover. She will be taking blood thinners to try to dissolve the multiple blood clots in both lungs. It is so incredibly painful, her doctor, also a recovering addict, said she needed to be on pain meds to get through this. The doctor commented that he didn't realize she was going through more than withdrawal until she kept complaining of the pain she was in and they took a cat scan. That is when they discovered the multiple blood clots in her lungs. After Ann has had time to recover, she will be back to blog. She would appreciate continued prayers as she says she has never been this ill. Thank you so much for all your prayers for Ann.

Message from Ann

the uggs taylor brought to rehab.
a piece of one of my children.
i am so sorry i haven't been able to blog.
i have been and am still so ill.
there are no words to thank you for all your prayers.
because of your prayers, i am truly making it.

i've had the most wonderful nurses and some
of the best doctors.

jan is steady and holding her own.

Thursday, January 23

Ann is very ill and is not able to write new blogs right now.

She has asked for continued prayers as she undergoes treatment for multiple blood clots in her lungs, as well as heart and kidney concerns.  She would especially appreciate prayers that God would send her wonderful nurses, like Nataline, who are kind and understanding of what she is going through.  

Ann loves you and thanks you for all your love and prayers! 

“Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven." (Mat 18:19 NKJV)

12:09 a.m.

to all you beautiful friends
and fellow warriors....

thank you for your posts. all
the prayers mean the world to

i'm so ill i can barely write, but i
love you. and Jesus is the lover
and warrior of my life. freedom
and delivery from enslavement
come with a cost. i'm running
to win...!  never give up in the
middle of your battles. forever
with gratitude and love..ann

6:30 p.m.

keep running the race.
the race is sometimes
extremely rugged
and, at times, we think impossible.
so, be strong and join me as we
run for the goal of arriving at the celestial city
where there will be no suffering and pain.

i love you.  your prayers mean everything.
God is with me.

detox is hell.
you have to really want it.
have to believe it's your
only option. long for freedom
and deliverance

my blood tests taken...
in any detox situation..
revealed some concerns of
the hospitalist. not the detox
doctor. after a cat scan, they
discovered i have multiple blood
clots in my lungs, and something
attached to my heart.

i had developed terrible pain behind my ribs.
now i have been moved to
heart floor. please understand
i'm too ill to say more.

i know you are praying.
a miracle i was here...and
found this. God's faithful care.
very hard to be in detox
and so ill in my body.

Jesus keeps leading me all
the way. and you. this
Race is His to lead us on.

Wednesday, January 22

this is ann.
coming from the front lines
of drug rehab .

nothing since i came.
finally drew my blood.
said i am severely dehydrated.
could give me ibuprofen.

i refuse to panic.
to have terror shoot from my
eyes. to succumb to all the
what ifs.

every time i open my eyes,
there's a nurse peeking around
the corner. staring.  

"your hair..the braid around
your face...it's beautiful."

lovely words are like
medicine. i smile. but the doctor
hasn't been here yet. there is
utterly excruciating pain behind
my rib cage.  

and the nurses smile.
and the patients holler.
and the doctor arrived.
an i.v. in place. my bladder
packed with fluid. but....
my heart is quiet. i won't
be afraid.

fresh potted flowers.
and i expect Jesus to see
me through to the end.
no more enslavement.
only deliverance and freedom.
sweet, sweet journey.

tomorrow will be continued.
thank you for your prayers.
oh..beautiful comrades.

happy birthday to my
nephew, tre.

we will meet again.

4:30 a.m.
my skin is crawling.
horribly. why did i do
this?!!!!  i want to unhook
the i.v....no...tear it out...and
run for my  life.

"Jesus!  save me.
make me tough." 

Sunday, January 19

in 48 hours, i will be
walking through the doors
to begin rehab. my clothes and necessities and
Bible are packed. ready to load.

health care today is an entirely
different fork in the road. there
we stood:  my sponsor, adela. the
initial intake guy...and the very
top facilitator re: who will be
accepted into the rehabilitation
program, and financially, reliable
enough to enroll.

four of us.
and Jesus.
the pin-point center
of my soul was as quiet
and still as fog that has suddenly
rolled in, and the possibility of
my acceptance looked dismal.

as if i was jumping out of an
airplane 10,000 feet up. if Jesus
didn't catch me, i would splatter
dead center at the bottom of the
grand canyon.

or, God could swoop His massive
arms under me, and save me.

"16 years ago," i began to share, "i
promised Jesus
that if He would deliver me
from my addictions, there was
nothing i wouldn't do for Him
the rest of my life. addictions to
performance and praise were
at the top of my list; pain pills
followed. Jesus kept His end of
the bargain. so did i. until.....

"after almost a year, and four
major surgeries on my feet,
and wild, crazy pain, i have
once again found myself
starving for freedom. pleading
for the sweet taste of deliverance
again. there is almost nothing
worse than being enslaved.
nothing. "

suddenly....almost sounded..
almost ...as if a robe was blowing
in the wind, we all sensed someone
had entered the room. i saw
that the one who carried the
power among us, grabbed tissues,
and began blowing her nose. then,
we all had  tissue. we all began to

"ann, it has come to me that
if you could pay the half up front,
$3,850.00, and the rest at the
end of 30 days, we'd make you
the exception. and continue to
get medicare, and your supplement insurance to pay their part."


i have enough savings for the
first half. and God's arm is never
too short. it will take all i have,
but Jesus poured out all He had.

when Jesus enters a  room,
and no one can deny it,
"who am i that i should
choose my way? the LORD
shall choose for me.
tis better far i know...so let
HIM bid me go or stay."

i plan to blog to you
every day. i long for your
prayers. a journey i can only
make if Jesus runs this course...
and sustains me. for each of us
entrapped in addiction, it takes
a Power greater than ourselves
to be set free.

unhinge the gates.
make the path smooth.
running from glory to glory.
flow, River, flow.

thank you.
thank you so.....for every
post of encouragement.
for every dollar given.
please forgive me for not
being better at showing
gratitude. for now, please
just know.


Wednesday, January 15

jan and i
have had a dark day.
sobbed. laughed. thought
of all we're both facing.
of all we are and aren't...

jan's numbers are up on her
cancer. the rehab. takes me
off everything. literally everything.
my insurance is an issue. trying
to resolve dollars and cents.

colson is home, and i'm thrilled..
but we're talking about a place
two hours away. for me, it's
all or nothing. i'm running
to Jesus. arms spread wide.
tears streaming down my

as a giant redwood,
piercing the sky. as mountain
peaks, jagged and splitting the millions of snowy,
shattering earth particles,
crushing the sun blasts through
the crevices.....so is the
begging, yearning of my soul.

"make a way, Jesus.
make a way..."

we all have work to do.  
and splitting of self introspection.....
and all of God we can grab ahold of...

sing, choirs.
walk and run
and carry your
weapons of loss and failure.
we will see you in the
morning. in the morning.

Saturday, January 11

i love this old hymn...

"my faith looks up to Thee.
Thou Lamb of Calvary.
Savior divine.
Lord, hear me while I pray.
take all my guilt away..
oh! may i from this day be
wholly Thine." old hymn

oh...Jesus, yes.
completely Yours.
stacking the bricks
of worship and adoration.
uncompromised, untarnished.
i can hear the music now.
can you?

i ran by veronica's.
the korean dry cleaners.
in a warm, gap shirt.
arms flung around each other.
as i leave, she stands out on the curb.  
blowing kisses...until
my car is out of sight.

" oh, isn't the love of Jesus
something wonderful...wonderful....
wonderful He is to me..."

colson is getting a transfer
to walmart's next week from
texas to here in lodi where i live.
has anyone discovered the
grand-all that makes raising children
a snap in the dark? hmmnm.

i enter a rehab place this
week. i am so excited. putting last
year behind me. feet hurt, but i don't care anymore.  
back to freedom and deliverance: 
to strength and health. i long for
your prayers. not sure what my
insurance will cover, but i have some.

tomorrow, we raise our hearts to
the glorious King of Kings. the sun
rises, glistening the damp earth
of the holy day. may His grace
fill us all. wooing us into the 
Presence of God's beauty and

Thursday, January 9

i wonder who created gummy
bears? the most dangerously
alluring candy. haribo brand or
nothing. i see a bag on the
shelf in the grocery store, and
i tell you the truth, it teases my
appetite until i HAVE to buy
some. like 6 or 7 bags. an anxiety.
an urging.

"Jesus, I want to be that passionate
about you. oh, that i might  hunger
and thirst for you. that i might
search the aisles...the highways
and paths for what i love....more
of your presence."

hope lives.
my insurance covers
rehab. a miracle....but one
foot needs correction. please

you know the story in the Bible?
the harlot who comes to where
Jesus is having. dinner....with the
rich and the haughty. sinners.
the door opens. in walks the un-intimidated harlot.

she goes straight to Jesus.
her tears washing His feet. her
long hair drying them. she poured
very expensive perfume on them.
a far more extravagant gesture
of love than the robes and food and  
cajoling. her gifts, all she had,
far more magnificent than all else.
Jesus counted her sins for

let's come to Jesus.
give Him our sins.
wash our tears at His feet.
let's yearn for more of Him.
may we long for Him as we
never have before. everything else
will fall into place.

i treasure each of your posts
so, so grateful for those who
contribute financially. it means
everything! i love you!


Tuesday, January 7

i am still in awe
that a new year has arrived.
except for a few days, the slate
is still untouched. unmarred.
clean and smooth and shining  
like marble. my messy, clumsy, 
pigeon-toed cracks of fear and
imperfection have not yet been
smeared in ways that cast
shadows over the glistening
wonder of Jesus.

it's the way He gathers us.
wraps us in His  joy.
promises to never belittle us.
we are His artwork. Jesus
thinks we're magnificent. even
the straw and rubble of life that
expose our fears and shortcomings.   
He says His glory
is most revealed in our weaknesses.

don't be afraid or downhearted
today. don't let shame wrap
itself around you. let's stare
fear in the face. and run to the
Waters.....of His love.

i'm scared with this detox
process. really fearful. but i
want it behind me. to be my

for Him.
always, only, all
for His glory.

Monday, January 6

"make the road smooth and straight.
baptized into a changed life.
serve Him with absolute single-heartedness."
matthew 3 and 4

gave me so many
opportunities to serve Jesus.
to speak His Name. sing little
songs. the opportunities to take
people's hands and clasp them to
the heart of God. and
twist my life into a shattered 
pile of brokenness i never
realized Jesus would want to 
hand me so my life for Him would
have more depth in this Race.

i'm in the process of getting off
pain pills...after 8mos. of foot
surgery. so alone. so scared.
i dressed for church. slipped
next to friends. and suddenly
found tears streaming down my
face that i couldn't control.

it's my first assignment of 2014.
no delay. get  the job done. no
stalling. so all alone. can't afford
a detox place. trust me. one needs
support and medical assistance.
not everyone has to do this. but
i do. i heard His still, small Voice.

oh, i love this:

"you are BLESSED when you are
at the end of your rope. with less of 
you, there is more of God and His 
rule."  mathew 3...the Message

let's rally. pray. call out..for each
other. this is a serious, glorious
business we have set our hearts and
minds to. i don't want to drag my
feet. THIS is the year of victory.
marching forward. the Lord's
business to accomplish.

"yes, Lord.
yes, Lord.
yes, Lord."

p.s. i miss my children.
Christmas was so fun. 
and thrilling. i pray yours
was just as special. now,
back with the calvary.

Saturday, January 4

i love to pray.
"oh, Jesus, i need to talk something over with You...."

it feels so simple. God.and i.
all alone. the first thought i
have is just pure gratitude.

"i'm so grateful You've
got the day covered. Jesus,
so much can happen that i'm not
prepared for. Lord, keep us
bound  together. may nothing,
great or small, remove the beauty 
and tender shoots of boundless
love that help us laugh and 
giggle...and forgive without remorse.

reaches into the glorious
and magnificent heart of God. where
NO compromise or breakdowns
can breathe or know life.

every year,
i vow to do better in my prayer life,
and the older i get, the easier,
more clearly i understand how
important and powerful it is.

teach us to 
pray. to really pray.

Wednesday, January 1

 "glory, glory, hallelujah..
His truth is marching on..."

through the streets
and down the alleys.
from one side of the world
to the other...

Jesus, and His angels, and 
hopefully, all of us following
His magnificent, majestic lead
into the dark and evil and aimlessly-
wandering and broken souls all around us.  
carefully peeling away
their wrenching places of despair.
because of Jesus, and His Blood,
shed on the Cross, there is hope
for all. we need to be busy
giving back, in deep gratitude for
all that has been poured into us.

Light. lifting. others praying and
holding onto our shirts when the
roaring waves of despair have
tried to pull us down. swallow
our joy and victory.

"I will pour water on Him who is thirsty.
I will pour floods upon the dry ground. 
open your hearts
for the gifts I am bringing. all
you are longing for, come and
be found."  old hymn

a fresh beginning.
painted across the skies
the glories of His love.

you carried me
through last year. literally.
and today, i am laughing again.
believing. refusing to let the
enemy in. not even one of his
big, fat, ugly toes.

we are marching.
"marching to Zion.
beautiful, beautiful Zion."

i love you...and as long as
i'm alive, you will hear my feet
running the Course beside you!