Wednesday, March 4

God tells me things
when i am at the gym.
talks to me.
maybe because He has
my undivided attention.

it has always been this way.
even during my early years of
ten miles every morning at 5:30.
air on my skin. alone along the
charles river. boston.

what a wonder!
the eternal God of the
universe unveiling His thoughts
to me. i miss hints from Him.
getting myself, especially as
a mother, into all sorts
of skewed emotions.

i had a nasty work-out.
eight miles on the edge
of acute, abominable misery.

God reminded me
that i casually say things
to make myself look better.

how many miles did you go
today? oh, 8 or 10 or 12.
whatever it is.

how are your children doing?
well, taylor is thriving in college.
brock has a great job.
colson is so authentic.
brandt's a firefighter.

God reminded me
these are all His gifts.
my health. my children.
and that my life is full
of imperfections. He would
prefer me not to tell people
how far i have run...or
my children's victories. ever.
but rather, that some days
are good. others rough.
my children have challenges.
usually one or another at the moment.

when i have been raising
children fourteen years.
and loving my neighborhood
in complete obscurity, i find
my confidence leaking.
drip by drip. and
pride sticks its head in
with a crazy, crooked jab.

no one remembers who you are,
ann. and today, no one really
cares. suddenly, without meaning
to, i quietly tell someone
i am a writer.
was once successful.
the minute it takes for me
to say that, a cloud forms
on the horizon of my soul.
shatters the impact of who
God is and who i'm not.

last night
i fell on my face.
as low as i, a
weak, insecure, prideful
servant could be. prostrate.
shamed that i can love Him
so, yet try to lift myself
so as not to be hidden.

forgive my failures.
let's build bridges
instead of walls. too
much pain in all our lives
to brag about anything.
Jesus is our mission.
the light.

love unconditionally.
no judgment. ever.
only beautiful, clean,
glistening love.


  1. Dear Ann,
    You sound so sad. "I was successful once..." You are still successful at loving, at being honest, and other things that are very worth being successful at.
    I've never been "successful" in the eyes of the world, and now, when I would most want to succeed, in bringing some of "our" families to Christ, I'm not successful either--yet.
    I pray I can be successful at working through this with God. Thank you for helping show the way.

  2. "love unconditionally.
    no judgment. ever.
    only beautiful, clean,
    glistening love."

    I want God to tell me things.