very late. again reading your
messages to me. oh gosh, they
are so moving and beautiful and
touching that i have no words.
just a constant chant to God;
thank you, Jesus. thank you. bless
us all, Lord. bless us all.
it is wednesday and i just returned from jan's.
my twin sister. she and her husband live in
sacramento. two blocks from the capitol.
huge, beautiful loft. over-looking the city. i LOVE
my sister. i run to her. disrobe, and let her know
every dark place and every terrified thought.
i confess that sometimes i feel envious and jealous
of all jan has. she can go into a store and buy anything
she likes. never has to worry about money. or paying
the bills. i always open the drawers of her chest, and....
check all the new tops and night gowns. i stand in her
closet and see all these beautiful things that she matches
and blends that make her look exquisite. for awhile,
we decided that if i wouldn't talk about my daily terror
over money, she wouldn't buy anything new. she and
tom have been SO good to the children and me while
they were growing up (after will died and i lost everything).
she lets me borrow some of her things. bought me my
purse. new uggs. there is no pretension in her and tom.
i come back to stockton, and i feel lonely.
i evaluate myself, and there are many things i could
improve on. well, my hair desperately needs highlighting,
and my toe-nails are black from running so long and
hard, and i can never polish them like the manicurist.
i MUST stop worrying about money, and how i'll make
it. Jesus has NEVER failed me. and He loves the poor
and weak and needy. we are His specialties.
i have a good driving record. no real accidents. but i
get distracted. just got my car back ('05 kia sorento...suv)
from running into a medium strip dividing the lanes down
the road. only to back out of my driveway, trying to miss
this huge moving truck, and backed into a red pick-up
parked behind it. and the other night, trying at midnight
to find my way to the inner-city hospital to be with my
friend, i pulled into a gas station to ask a guy pumping
gas if i was on the right road, and the car behind me
wouldn't back up, so instead of waiting, i tried to pull
around it, and clipped the cement platform where the
pumps are. hit the edge of my right bumper.
fred owns the collision body shop. he has deep creases
in his face from age or smoking or a stressed life, but he
is one of my heroes. i am always praying that God will
bring him lots of business. i wrote him a note one day,
and while i was waiting for him to fix something on my car,
i went to the waiting room, and saw the note pinned on
the wall for all to see. i think i am about all he knows about
Jesus. and am probably the answer to my own prayers
that he get more business.
i called him, crying, after hitting my front fender. it was almost
too mortifying to tell him i was in trouble again. he knows he
always has to come up with a special deal because i don't have
"honey, just bring the car back in, and we'll
get it fixed for you." oh, that comforts me.
when tomorrow comes,
forget about the day after.
just live for tomorrow as if it is your last.
that's what i want to do. i'm so excited about
the prospect of a gym membership. of all the
people that pass me in the grocery store or target.
i smile at them; they at me. i love speaking the
name of Jesus every chance i get. and i really,
really want to change my world. love wins. love
never gives up. love lives even when the sun
isn't shining. when the news is bad. love is
truly all there is...and all there will ever be.