Thursday, May 31

i fell into two coma's, back - to-back
before entering rehab. it took both of
these to make me understand i had a
problem. and, every day,

we had to say our names and what we
were: addicts or alcoholics or both. several
times a day. i hated this routine bacause i only
believed i had become dependant on pain pills.
i was NOT an addict.

i realized everyone drank coffee and smoked.
i did neither. i was freezing and losing weight
i didn't have to lose. i smelled nicotine in the
carpets and the food and clothes and hair.
i have never smoked one cigarette in my life,
so the pungent odor gave me extreme nausea.

my body ached. hurt so badly. all over.
i didn;t sleep for 12 days. took at least
three hot baths a night just to get through them.
my higher power was Jesus. for sure! absolutely!!!
but almost all others were like foreign gods.
stones and crystals and electricity.

everyone had it out for me in group therapy.
they REALLY got to my core one day when
they said they felt sorry for my children because
i was such a "bad-ass" mother. a gutteral
scream rose from my deep, inner core, and
i was left gasping, in tears, to keep breathing.

let's wrap this up tomorrow....


  1. Oh, how this must have hurt. I keep getting a picture of Jesus there with you, sticking closer than a brother.

  2. The valley of the shadow of death. So dark. So hard. Seemingly nothing to hang onto. But for the grace of God.....

  3. Such courage to plow through this again:to share for what it might do.God bless...