the doctor in charge of this rehab. center
told me i was hopeless. that he was just going
to send me over for a year of in-house help.
hey!! wait a minute!!
are you kidding me?!
no way. huh-ughhhhhhh!
i was crying and more scared than
ever. i dreamed of...longed for...my
children.. they were everything to me.
if i hadn't had jan with the boys, i could
not have made it. wouldn't feel they were
safe. but i could count on her. oh, yeah,
she was my team leader. she and God.
little did i know that NO one believed i had a
chance. i was stamped "HOPELESS"!
every bad and horrible day i began to fight
with God. His strong arm against my tiny,
skinny fist. i would NOT quit! would NOT
walk away. would NOT disobey Him, but
where the h___ was HE??!
oh, i learned alot about God inside those
doors. how He loves all of us and has no
preferences. that He can take hopeless
and build a tower of promise. i'm running
with Him. He's my ROCK. my Strong Tower.
they used all kinds of jargon on me. i'd call
jan, and she'd tell me the word was worth nothing.
to pay no attention. i sat in a tiny room with a
phd. psychologist. Christian. and i swore and
yelled and chewed him out and He never blinked.
he was compassionate, and i had to have
someone to knock around because i was in
such agonized misery.
when i sat in front of the doctor,
hair pulled back. gaunt, and utterly
empty, i quietly said, "i think i get it.
if i was an addict to performance and praise,
i am naturally a pill addict waiting to happen."
thirty days in hell for me to get it. but i did.
no, Jesus and i did. He pushed and i crawled.
the doc stared at me. eyes big. and whispered
because he felt i was so frail he might lose me.
"you are a miracle. i NEVER believed..ever..that
you, of all people...would get it." shaking his head.
the sun rises fresh every morning.
clean and new and i feel covered with
joy. well, dark days do come, but that is
just what you call "life".