Thursday, October 4

i heard something great.
when we confess our sins to God,
He forgives us. when we confess them to
others, He heals us. have i told you this before?

for me it has been a challenge.
bible study fellowship asks some personal questions in small group.
celebrate recovery always only helps if i lay my
week's sins or failures or frustrations on the table.
i'm in the co-dependant group, and it can be pretty
embarrassing to still not be able to stand up for myself
in situations. and the 12-step group? well, that
has taken each of us to a more courageous level
of confession than, at least for me, i've ever experienced.

confession is unveiling all we're not.
peeling off our skin and exposing all our
crooked bones and mixed up wires and purple
veins of wrong-thinking and failure and sin.

growing up, i truly believed that if ANYONE knew
i had made anything less than an "a", they would
not like me. not want to be close to me. so much
of my entire life, i've tried to be so together and so
smart and so successful that i would never be
rejected. but i remember one night as a little girl.
my father had some old-timer come in and speak
on a sunday night, and he began to talk about all
his lacks. his many imperfections. his losses.

twelve years old, and trying so hard to be perfect
enough, i sat, in ponytail and flip-flops, spell-bound.
it was beautiful. courageous. honorable. i was only
twelve, but i knew that much. it took me so many years
of falling into so many holes and getting so lost until
i began to barely whisper to my sister and a few others
of all that wasn't in my life. of course, becoming addicted
to pain pills after so many baby losses and serious
infections, and going into rehab....well, you talk and confess
if you want to get well. and i wanted to be well for my
four, little sons more than i wanted air to breathe or
food or anything else in life. my love for them was so
deep and pure that NOTHING was too sacrificial.

one day, in group, in rehab., a guy said,
"ann, i've seen your little boys, and they are
beautiful, but i can tell you've f_____ with
their security." i let out a gutteral scream that
came somewhere deep, deep inside me and was
heard all over the building. leaving me gasping
in a sorrow so deep i didn't know how i could rise
above it. the staff later told me that when someone
can reach that deep, there is hope. i don't know whether
he went into recovery or not, but God sure gave me the
courage to crawl there, and be there today. so join me.
find others you can trust. and talk. be open. Jesus never
planned that we could make it just with Him. i'm
standing with you! you'll see what deliverance it will bring!

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