Monday, December 23

i love these verses
from "The Message":

"you're blessed when you are at
the end of your rope. with less of
you there is more of God and His rule......" and

"you're blessed when you're content
with just who you more.
no less. that's the moment you
find yourselves proud owners of
everything that can't be bought."

tomorrow is Christmas eve.
almost the end of another year.
so many struggling people. a couple
whose heat and electricity were
turned off. phones that were being
disconnected. i did my best to help.
doesn't Jesus tell us to do that?!

but the most riveting experience
was a father who lost it, and,
in the end, called his truly decent,
beautiful, teenager some terrible
names because he is out of control,
and feels pretty awful about himself.

i was with his lovely, ex-wife,
and arrived at the house shortly
after. here was this strong, grown
man. screaming and storming
around...and then, i noticed he
was crying. weeping.

"i hate myself. i know i m
wrong. i just lost it!" and he
spoke this to me by name.
"ann..." over and over berating
himself. ravaged by failure and

maybe you feel differently,
but it broke me, and began to
cover any judgment i had because
he was humble enough to confess
he was a "jerk". wrong. way wrong.

that is what i want to say to
you: if i crossed the line in what
i said about will, my husband...if
i was unkind and demeaning, and
should have kept quiet, i take
responsibility. if i've moaned and
groaned and pulled you down
all year by my excruciating struggles,
i humbly beg for mercy...
and forgiveness.

will and i had so much wrong
with both of us. but i know if
he were alive today, he'd be
telling husbands and fathers
what he saw and learned the
last five days of his life. 
he was always, from day one of our marriage,
confessing he was a
pharisee. it took me a lot longer
to really see my own deep holes
of illness. i was faithful...truly loved will
and he loved me...i just know and
was utterly faithful, too.

when i write my blogs,
i am always trying to think of
where most the world is...and are
enough people being vulnerable
about their weaknesses and
horrors and dark places because
that is what i'm willing to lay on
the line. so you won't feel alone.

loving people.
that is the essence and
core of who i am. and knowing
Jesus is the ONLY Hope. longing
for others to not miss Him. there
is not a drop of good anywhere
else in me.

my children are the rising
sun and soaring eagles. the
afternoon breeze and every
rainbow that has ever shown
itself when the glorious sun
breaks through the rain. they
are everything. i used to be
so proud of their successes..
and i still am, but i'm radical,
down in my soul, about their
walks with Jesus. we are so
bonded. so knit together, but
i want to make sure that is what
they are with Jesus, too.

i love you all so.
a beautiful Christmas to you, 
inspite of how little or much you
have; how tough the Race.

He is Who i want.
the One i long for. His Word
in my heart. please...yes..forgive
the year of maybe saying too
much about pain. for not being
"happy" enough. i promise to
try and lead you to higher peaks
in the year to come. you are the
world to me.


  1. I was a bride when you were a bride. I admired you and wanted to emulate what you and Will had. My husband and I just celebrated 24 years together and I am glad that he did not desire to emulate anyone at all. He insisted we be our own authentic selves and create our own unique story. Your honesty is endearing and I continue to be inspired, but in a different way. No longer thinking of you as an ideal...just thinking of you as real. Real is much better.

  2. I think the hard parts of our lives are what validate our testimonies & we should not leave that part out. It gives other people hope to know that faith in Jesus Christ is for REAL people who have had REAL struggles. Our faith shows strong when we continue to love & follow the Lord, in spite of our trials. Don't try to put on a smile to please your readers Ann....the Lord will soon fill you with an incredible amount of GENUINE JOY because He works that way you know....He ALWAYS answers our prayers "exceedingly above all that we can ask or imagine". The sun shines brightest after the storm! Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia

  3. Anne, you are REAL...just like Jesus.
    Thank you,

  4. I feel like we're old friends . . . first was introduced to you by my friend in high school and then read your books about getting married, adoption and wholeness. (I sent you a note while I was waiting to adopt and you sent the nicest postcard back). Anyway, I find it refreshing to read honest words of struggle and encouragement and hope. Thank you for sharing your hard times as well as your triumphant times.

  5. Can we be so bold as to ask what Will learned his last 5 days of life? The LOVE you all had for each other ALWAYS shines through all you have written. It's an incredible story of hope and reconciliation... It's a real gift that you shared it with us. You are right about where the world is... Our big fat pride stops us from being utterly vulnerable... The way Jesus was, the way you have been in your blogs. May God bless you for this richly Ann!