Tuesday, December 10

"if you don't go all the way with Me,
through thick and thin, you don't deserve Me.
if your first concern is to look after yourself,
you'll never find yourself.
but if you forget about yourself
and look to Me, you'll find both yourself and Me."  
matthew 10

i believe that love lives.
that only God knows how to bring us
to the end of ourselves.
that the great miracles and
transformations of life rise out of ashes. 

some of my dearest friends,
herb and dona, saw me on a trip
back east. 1996. i no longer
had hope. i had miscarried
multiple babies. many infections.
dependent on pain pills. sleep
deprived. broken. they flew
the children and me to california
one day while will was at work.
all four of the boys were in
grade school. beautiful. sweet.

suddenly, my heart wasn't focused
on what will lacked, but on myself.
jan flew out and kept the children,
while i entered a 30-day rehab.  
i was terrified. i realized i had
big issues of my own. mainly,
my children needed an adult for
a mother, who could draw safe
boundaries, and who was physically
and emotionally stable. and
off  pain pills.  

while i was in withdrawal from
medication...and didn't sleep
for 12-straight days...and felt
everyone was talking russian
and hurting my feelings, God had
finally stopped will in his tracks.
his wife and children were gone,
and for the first time, he saw i
had some backbone, and wasn't
willing to keep living like we were.

he was willing to change things...
please...but begging me to bring the
children, and come home. however,
i was resolute. not visibly emotional. running to save my
life. if i was gone, what would the children do?
every breath was for them.

final wrap up tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. It cannot be easy to write about this.A woman of courage,you are.And the love that was hard to share then, pours from you now and blesses me.Thank you.