i was in rehab.
Jesus used every tool He
had to pull me out of my denial.
i needed to face myself. forget will.
terrible withdrawals.12 days of NO
sleep. no relief. a nightmare.
down to 104lbs. at 5'8".
too nauseous to eat.
could smell cigarette smoke
in the carpet. the walls. i have
never smoked. but the
odor settled in my hair...made me
and will was in chicago.
stunned. swimming in his own
nightmare. i had filed for separation,
and received full custody of the
children. divorce was never in
my vocabulary, but i was so hurt
and broken, and i had to stay alive
for the children. because of my
love and devotion for them,
i had become a tiger. until you
know what someone has suffered,
you can't grasp the severity of
the 12th night,
i was in my room. cranky,
bitter roommate asleep. pain
racked my bones. my soul. i
began to crawl, on hands and
knees. tears dripping off my nose.
deliverance. my prayer. my longing.
at any cost. i could almost taste
freedom. sweet. a cool, damp
cloth on my wounds. begging,
and Jesus came.
He touched me.
i became whole at the
center of my core, and began
to heal. more and more every
day. no longer blind. my hair
pulled back. tight. long ponytail.
the lost, blind, hopeless, enslaved
woman. SET FREE. i walked out
of wounded, powerless
childhood...to a serene, competent
adult. never to forget all i wasn't.
always to remember ALL Jesus is.
after a year of sobriety... a steady
diet of peace and deliverance from
fear for the children, i invited will
to move to california with us.
God opened a job for him. he took turns
sleeping in the boys' rooms. i
began to see old behaviors, but i
longed for miracles, and i was a
different woman. i drew healthy
boundaries, but things began to
unveil. not good things.
will was brilliant in areas.
he taught four, impressionable
sons how to have strong handshakes,
and look people in the eyes.
he lived out for them
that you love one woman your
whole life; a wandering eye is
sin and weakness. we all learned
to target practice and climb mountains
and hike to hidden places and fish.
i believe he did the best he could see.
inspite of terror in my throat,
i felt God challenge me to
walk back into our marriage.
to stand before our children, and
confess we both failed...and with
God's help would become what
Jesus desired. our closest friends
flew in. for me, it was pure obedience
to the still, small Voice.
will was diagnosed with
renal cell carcinoma.16 mos.
after,november 27, 2000, as he
told each of the children to take
care of me, and he'd see us in
Heaven, he peacefully stepped over
into God's house. my father-in-law,
dr. henry brandt, said at his
"will was a bitter, angry man
until five days ago...when God was
able to open his eyes.."
when Jesus was born, the angels
said, "fear not..." and Christmas
is the celebration of redemption
and hope and peace on earth.
life is a battle. marriage takes
hard work, forgiveness, and Christ's
miracles. i don't know why i felt
led to share all this. it leaves me
raw and vulnerable....but it is
the story of love. that it is never
one's fault, but both, in a marriage
if it fails....and only Jesus can
redeem us. do your best.
sometimes, only one is willing to
change. just hold on to pure love.
i have no answers or lectures. i'm
at the back of the line. i sin every
day. some days, i can only crawl.
more than anything, i long for my
children to see and feel God's love
all around them...and to forgive
all the wrongs they didn't deserve.