ann kiemel

so...

i was in rehab.

Jesus used every tool He

had to pull me out of my denial.

i needed to face myself. forget will.

terrible withdrawals.12 days of NO

sleep. no relief. a nightmare. 

down to 104lbs. at 5'8".

too nauseous to eat. 

could smell cigarette smoke

in the carpet. the walls. i have

never smoked. but the

odor settled in my hair...made me

more sick.

and will was in chicago.

stunned. swimming in his own

nightmare. i had filed for separation,

and received full custody of the

children. divorce was never in

my vocabulary, but i was so hurt

and broken, and i had to stay alive

for the children. because of my

love and devotion for them,

i had become a tiger. until you

know what someone has suffered, 

you can't grasp the severity of

the wounds.

the 12th night,

i was in my room. cranky,

bitter roommate asleep. pain

racked my bones. my soul. i

began to crawl, on hands and

knees. tears dripping off my nose.

deliverance. my prayer. my longing.

at any cost. i could almost taste

freedom. sweet. a cool, damp

cloth on my wounds. begging,

pleading.

and Jesus came.

He touched me.

i became whole at the

center of my core, and began

to heal. more and more every

day. no longer blind. my hair

pulled back. tight. long ponytail.

the lost, blind, hopeless, enslaved

woman. SET FREE. i walked out

of wounded, powerless

childhood...to a serene, competent

adult. never to forget all i wasn't.

always to remember ALL Jesus is.

after a year of sobriety... a steady

diet of peace and deliverance from

fear for the children, i invited will

to move to california with us.  

God opened a job for him. he took turns

sleeping in the boys' rooms.  i

began to see old behaviors, but i

longed for miracles, and i was a

different woman. i drew healthy

boundaries, but things began to

unveil. not good things.

will was brilliant in areas.

he taught four, impressionable

sons how to have strong handshakes, 

and look people in the eyes.  

he lived out for them

that you love one woman your

whole life; a wandering eye is

sin and weakness. we all learned

to target practice and climb mountains 

and hike to hidden places and fish.  

i believe he did the best he could see.

inspite of terror in my throat,

i felt God challenge me to

walk back into our marriage.

to stand before our children, and

confess we both failed...and with

God's help would become what

Jesus desired. our closest friends

flew in. for me, it was pure obedience

to the still, small Voice.

2mos. later,

will was diagnosed with

renal cell carcinoma.16 mos.

after,november 27, 2000, as he

told each of the children to take

care of me, and he'd see us in

Heaven, he peacefully stepped over

into God's house. my father-in-law,

dr. henry brandt, said at his

memorial service....

"will was a bitter, angry man

until five days ago...when God was

able to open his eyes.."

when Jesus was born, the angels

said, "fear not..." and Christmas

is the celebration of redemption

and hope and peace on earth.

life is a battle. marriage takes

hard work, forgiveness, and Christ's

miracles. i don't know why i felt

led to share all this. it leaves me

raw and vulnerable....but it is

the story of love. that it is never

one's fault, but both, in a marriage

if it fails....and only Jesus can

redeem us. do your best.  

sometimes, only one is willing to

change. just hold on to pure love.

i have no answers or lectures. i'm

at the back of the line. i sin every

day. some days, i can only crawl.

more than anything, i long for my

children to see and feel God's love

all around them...and to forgive

all the wrongs they didn't deserve.