ann kiemel

for one year, i have committed to a
12-step program. it involves faithfulness.
digging inside ourselves and putting our ugliest
and worst pieces on the table for all to see.
nine people cap the group. we are all broken
women. all in recovery from some, or multiple
addictions. we are bound by profound love,
and before the end of the year, we will be
committed for life.

a whole YEAR?! i always responded as if i
was carrying three jobs and coping with four, small
children. then the fear. how can i know that this
is truly confidential? having been a public person,
my trust level is lacking.

some of us are professionals of some kind. some
have small children. inadequate grammar. but we
are ALL on level ground, at the foot of the Cross.
and we've all seen some pretty ugly pieces of life
that we continually struggle to relinquish.

somehow,
last night, the first woman spoke of her
ex-ex husband from long ago who beat her
up. knocked out her front teeth. the next gal
had some issues with a couple of her ex-husbands.
that she was a heroin addict for many years, but
now has 20+years of recovery. most of us cry at
least once during the two hours of working out our struggles.

a couple weeks ago, i quietly confessed that i
lost my virginity at 27 years with a married man.
i spoke of what my life looked like. this man absolutely
convinced me that we were an exception to God's rule
of purity. i would get into my sport's car at night, and
drive around streets screaming and crying and begging
God to save me. to help me know. and i would open
the door and lean out to puke, and continue wailing
in a grief that pulled me to the bottom of the ocean where
no air and no comfort existed.

and i would be in a faraway city. might have spoken to
5,000 people. but as soon as i closed the door behind me
in my hotel, i would fall on my face. i no longer cared what
might have gone on at that patch of carpet. i had come from
a powerful service where Jesus really touched me and used
me, and here i was. Jesus knew i was utterly His. passionate
for the world to know Him. but i was so lost. so scared. all
my bones were broken and my muscles atrofied & blood was
pouring out of my veins and choking me until i begged to die.

when i finished, in tears, one of the women looked over at
me and mouthed "thank you", and began to weep uncontrollably.
deep, dark places. buried and guarded because if ANYONE
knew these terrible sins, love and acceptance would be over
forever. our pasts reveal how vulnerable and shaky we are.

i love these women. God put us together.
we walk on coals of fire and hear hissing in our ears, but
we push our darkness out. unveiling all the ugliness. we
don't ever plan to go back to secrets where things fester and
eat away any shred of beauty in our lives.

maybe none of you have ever known such evilness
and despair, but i promise you that we may have messed
up big time, but we aren't worthless. we are brave. fighters &
warriors who will not give up. never quit. not until Jesus
welcomes us with an arm around our shoulders, and the
words "well-done".