Friday, June 22

shut the doors.
close the windows.
turn out the lights.
the blight of my marriage was
too dark for air to breathe and

will and i were idealistic.
we were both passionate about Jesus.
wanted a tranquil home. children. but,
quickly, our dreams were smeared across
the walls, extinquishing our peace. our
hopes and promises lay dead under the
surface of our bravado.

professionalss say we marry those who
are about as healthy as we are. that was
the first blow. without realizing it, i was the
world's finest co-dependant. i had no clue
who i really was; only what the world wanted
me to be. God greatly blessed me because
i truly believe my love for Him was pure
and profoundly earnest.

i reached around all my fears and became
shamelessly impassioned for the world to
know Jesus. built a gymnasium for poor children.
took candy via cabs to them. i sang little songs
to cab drivers, pilots, businessmen on the street,
the jewish neighbors. waitresses. anyone.

a little song said more than anything
i could think of to paint God's love for
everyone to understand.

will could do anything, and i would smile.
trying to be positive for him. i had never taken
care of myself. as a child, i spent all my energy
working to keep my father, a pastor, happy
inspite of my brother's rebellion.

smiling and working to make my marriage look
impressive. so everyone, especially my readers,
who i felt needed me to be perfect. no one ever said
that. it was a disease planted in my brain for success.

continued tomorrow....

1 comment:

  1. Early days, you and I met on a stormy night in South Caroline. You read portions of your books, talked about Jesus and then stayed to meet and greet.
    What I remember from that night is the abject depth of your misery pouring from your eyes. Oh, you did and said the right things but when we met, when our hands touched and I looked into your eyes I saw a woman as broken, hurt, rejected and as lonely as I've ever felt. Because of that meeting two things happened to me...I wondered if you knew, truly KNEW, in your HEART, the sheer unlimited love of Jesus for you and the other thing is you've been tucked into prayer ever since. Not every day but as God brought you to mind, a prayer was said for you and yours.
    Never doubted your love of Jesus but it seemed you were in a great struggle to 'see through a glass darkly'.