Thursday, September 13

last night was my 12-step meeting.
we are working on step four. the first
request in our study book wanted us to write
about all the good things we've done.
many of the women had long lists of good
deeds. it made us all laugh.

following all the victories we shared, we
were asked to list all our failures. a much
more humbling, difficult task. these nine women
(including me) all have addiction backgrounds.
such courage and vulnerability.

i had to confess to my being a needy person.
having to perform to get praise and make sure
people liked me. i was terrified of rejection. didn't
know who i was beyond that except for my great, vast
love of God. and my desire for ALL to know Him, too.

then, there was performance. i had to run marathons.
not just 10k's. people would be more impressed. and
i wanted...longed for ...acceptance and love, so much
so that i lost my virginity to a married man at 27. becoming
addicted to pain pills after years of miscarriages and massive,
abdominal infections. then, learning to take the pills to numb
all the emotional pain in my marriage and the realizations
of many inadequacies in my life.

suddenly, we could all see it. that by the time we had
listed and shared most of our failures, we were brought low
from all the things we thought we had so honorably done in life.
being reminded that "Christ's power is made perfect in weakness.."
1 corinthians 10
that we are not here to brag about ourselves and draw attention,
but to be humble and filled with compassion and non-judgement
for others.

the essence of our power is NOT in how great we are, but
how great GOD is in redeeming our sins and failures so we
can be like Him and love as He loves in our neighborhoods.
on our own streets. in every store and by-way. with
bowed hearts, we love and serve. ALL for the glory of God.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your vulnerability.
    Every time I hear (or re-hear) parts of your story I am encouraged and humbled.

    Grace. It is all grace. I've been thinking about grace recently and how little I understand of it. My head gets it, but the rest of me often has a disconnect (in receiving and giving).